To quiet quit at work due to TTC stress

[Maomee]

NC due to personal nature. Sorry, bit of a rambly and negative one.

Just so utterly fed up with it. On month 10 of TTC now and yes 'that can be normal' and 'that isn't even long OP' blah blah but actually the vast majority of couples conceive at least once within 6 months so to have 10 months of BFNs whether I tested or simply didn't and had AF showed up is really fucking hard. For reference I'm 34 and my partner is 36.

The worst part is definitely the uncertainty, for example if someone said it would definitely happen at some point I'd be happy to wait but it's awful knowing that as time goes on you are much more likely to have some problem preventing it. Only thing I know of is one smallish fibroid that was found last year during an ultrasound for other symptoms. Apparently it probably wouldn't prevent pregnancy but I don't even know if I can listen to doctors opinions on such things after all the times they've let me down on other health issues which should have been very straightforward to deal with.

Like many women I tend to find I can be quite positive about it for the first half of my cycle then my mental health flies into the bin during the TWW. It's all getting a bit tedious now.

Why I'm posting is that after all my worry on this, I'm finding myself much less inclined to give a toss at work. I have a relatively demanding role which can be quite tiring, and even though there are mixed ideas of how stress interacts with TTC (believe me, I've trad it all) I'm now at a point where I'm like 'maybe my effort at work is the thing preventing it?'. Whether this is rational or not it reflects a real shift in my mentality, as up until now I've been keen to do my best, try new things, give more than is expected at times for the benefit of the people I work with.

This is complicated by the fact that I work with the public, I won't specify exactly how but most of the people I work with are not employed and at any one point there are at least a few who are pregnant. There is definitely part of my mind that thinks 'perhaps these women have an easier time getting pregnant because they're not at work like me'. There may be some element of truth to this, as some people say that any stress does reduce fertility. But whether it's true or not, I just can't bring myself to give my best at work now. I would also add that I don't begrudge these women for not working, it's more the suspicion that being free from work stress may be beneficial in conceiving. Maybe I'm just starting to reach a point where I'll try anything, AIBU?

So you are thinking of "quiet quitting" to reduce stress and get pregnant but not to go.private on principal? Seems mixed up to me . I wish you all the very best.

Paying for private tests is just a faster way to access what's available for free on the NHS. And they'll be much more likely to say X Y and Z is wrong so you feel the need to pursue expensive treatments you may not actually need. I believe it exploits people who are susceptible to anxiety about this stuff, which is definitely me. I may well end up needing private treatment but I will wait a bit longer before considering it as most people do get pregnant within a year or so.

I would also add that I couldn't easily afford to go private, it would essentially be giving up much of my savings for something I may not need.

How do people all over the world manage working and getting pregnant then?

You're being ridiculous

Good luck conceiving!

I just wanted to add that what you get on the NHS and what you get privately with fertility treatments are often not the same.

In your position I would consider an initial appt with a private fertility specialist and the initial investigations (bloods incl AMH and TV USS), just so you know where you stand and have an indication of how urgent this may be. It sounds like your husband is already getting a sperm analysis on the NHS which saves that cost.

DOI- currently pregnant with an IVF baby!

I may well end up needing private treatment but I will wait a bit longer before considering it as most people do get pregnant within a year or so.

Yes most people do.

And they do it without 'quiet quitting' their jobs.

If you want more than one child and your first one causes you stress, you can't 'quiet quit' parenting them.

I think the whole thing is a bit absurd and I'm not just talking about the silly phrase.

Well, everyone is different I doubt anyone has ever studied it but if you had two groups, one group worked and the other didn't and both groups TTC you may well see a difference in fertility rates. How this happens could be many things: stress affecting hormones and the immune system, better sleep supporting your body's various processes being less exposed to viruses if you don't have to commute, or simply having more time free to shag lol.

I actually would love it to be proven that working had no bearing on fertility, as that would mean I could stop worrying about that but no one is going to prove this one way or the other any time soon when people talk about stress and fertility it's simply speculation. But when you've been trying for nearly a year with ZERO success you start to try and find ways you can improve your chances.

I think most parents have to manage their energy levels and they know they can't be the perfect parent at all points, they do what be they can when they can and that's good enough.

Part of the problem is the culture of thinking you should give your all at work when the reality is none can give everything all the time If people have their own issues and they can reduce the effort they put in to help manage their energy and well-being they absolutely should.

This. The fertility tests that finally revealed what was wrong with us were not available on the NHS and still aren't. Up to you OP but I would re-think this.

There is no evidence that stress and anxiety has any impact on the success of TTC - I did serious reading into all available studies on this at one point. (Women get pregnant in war zones, when raped etc.) Read It Starts With the Egg - it's a good place to start when struggling to conceive.

I don't think you really believe that work is preventing you getting pregnant. You just want an excuse to be lazy.

I appreciate your advice but I don't agree that private fertility clinics are necessarily better than the NHS, they may be faster but many of the consultants who work in them are also at local NHS trusts if you research theirs names. So I understand you may be seen faster but you also risk paying more when you could either get the same help a little later for free, or even risk paying for things you don't need because you've been convinced there's a problem when there may not be..

I've already had a TV US last year as I said in my OP. My past bloods (general) are all good except quite low ferritin (but as you may be aware they don't usually flag this as an issue), no deficiencies, only issue is one small fibroid which apparently should have little to no impact. I haven't done AMH but I'm sure I ovulate due to tracking. We are waiting for the SA to come back in the next week.

I did this while I undertook Ivf. I’ve never regretted that decision. Ivf was successful. I don’t think it would’ve been if I’ve stayed at work.

Thank you,bi a really find this quite reassuring. I have seen this book recommended a lot on here and have had a little read into it already which has been interesting.

I think it's just quite a human thing to start searching for what might be holding you back, even if there's nothing and it's just bad luck.

I actually feel quite guilty about it as I've never been a lazy worker, but it's a deliberate decision in the small chance it improves my chances. You hear all the time 'stressing will stop you conceiving', so why not see if avoiding stress where possible may help?

As I said, I don't believe you believe that.

It must be incredible to be able to assess someone's core motivations from a few posts on a website forum...

No, it's often very obvious.

Often very preposterous, more like.

As I said in my post- NHS and private fertility care isn’t the same.

Also waiting times CAN be crucial especially as we get older. Periods show you are currently right now likely ovulating, but don’t give you an estimate of how long this may be for in the same way that AMH can (and even better - an AFC on TV USS which you haven’t mentioned was done on your scan last year. A fertility specialist would definitely do this on a scan).

And you'll be letting your manager know why you're doing the bare minimum and why?

Or are you going to see if you get called in for a 1 to 1?

I wasn't saying they were faster (although they obviously are). I was saying that they offer a wider range of tests that can reveal issues you will never know about if you stay with standard NHS testing. They are not ultrasounds, bloods, or standard sperm analyses. The NHS may never make you aware that these tests exist. These tests may be the difference between knowing what your issue is, and whether it can be treated, or being classed as "unexplained infertility", for which the treatment is to have IVF cycles on repeat in the hope one works. IVF may never work though if the underlying cause isn't addressed. Also not all fertility clinics are staffed by people working in the NHS. Know you've made up your mind but just adding this to the thread so other women reading this know that there are options out there.

OP it sounds like you are deflecting. You
are trying to find reasons why after 10 months you haven’t conceived yet when frankly that is mostly likely just nature.

Be careful - you may quietly quit and still may not conceive.

I think you would do better to mentally shift yourself to these things can take time rather than finding things to blame. 10 months is normal in a lot of cases.

Sorry but this is absolute bollocks. Most of us give our all in all facets of our lives. We don’t take on too much in order to do so.
There is no-one I’ve ever known who has had to stop giving their best at work in order to conceive. If you need to do that to conceive, how will you cope when you’ve actually got kids?! You’ll need to stop cooking, cleaning, LIVING in other to manage your stress levels?!

Ludicrous.

Sorry for your circumstances but I don’t think this is a good idea. Could you book an all inclusive holiday where you can ‘try’ solidly for two weeks without the stress of life and work.