To quiet quit at work due to TTC stress

[Maomee]

NC due to personal nature. Sorry, bit of a rambly and negative one.

Just so utterly fed up with it. On month 10 of TTC now and yes 'that can be normal' and 'that isn't even long OP' blah blah but actually the vast majority of couples conceive at least once within 6 months so to have 10 months of BFNs whether I tested or simply didn't and had AF showed up is really fucking hard. For reference I'm 34 and my partner is 36.

The worst part is definitely the uncertainty, for example if someone said it would definitely happen at some point I'd be happy to wait but it's awful knowing that as time goes on you are much more likely to have some problem preventing it. Only thing I know of is one smallish fibroid that was found last year during an ultrasound for other symptoms. Apparently it probably wouldn't prevent pregnancy but I don't even know if I can listen to doctors opinions on such things after all the times they've let me down on other health issues which should have been very straightforward to deal with.

Like many women I tend to find I can be quite positive about it for the first half of my cycle then my mental health flies into the bin during the TWW. It's all getting a bit tedious now.

Why I'm posting is that after all my worry on this, I'm finding myself much less inclined to give a toss at work. I have a relatively demanding role which can be quite tiring, and even though there are mixed ideas of how stress interacts with TTC (believe me, I've trad it all) I'm now at a point where I'm like 'maybe my effort at work is the thing preventing it?'. Whether this is rational or not it reflects a real shift in my mentality, as up until now I've been keen to do my best, try new things, give more than is expected at times for the benefit of the people I work with.

This is complicated by the fact that I work with the public, I won't specify exactly how but most of the people I work with are not employed and at any one point there are at least a few who are pregnant. There is definitely part of my mind that thinks 'perhaps these women have an easier time getting pregnant because they're not at work like me'. There may be some element of truth to this, as some people say that any stress does reduce fertility. But whether it's true or not, I just can't bring myself to give my best at work now. I would also add that I don't begrudge these women for not working, it's more the suspicion that being free from work stress may be beneficial in conceiving. Maybe I'm just starting to reach a point where I'll try anything, AIBU?

For context, the bare minimum in my role is still really quite a lot. I'm just not pushing myself to give my best anymore. However I'm also going to spend that energy doing something for me, to help shift my focus a bit and hopefully just have more enjoyment to fall back on if I see further failed cycles.

I think there's a difference between 'not doing something at all 'and 'not doing every thing to the best that you possibly can'. I would also disagree that most people do their best at all times, not only is it not humanly possible but most people reserve their energy and efforts for specific things.

Can you enlighten us to what these tests or conditions are that may be less common? I'm aware that things like untreated coeliac disease can cause infertility for example and I'm not sure if you mean that sort of thing or something specifically gynaecological.

For context, the bare minimum in my role is still really quite a lot.

Well of course it is.

There aren't many jobs where that wouldn't be the case!

Anyway, you had your mind firmly made up before you started the thread and nothing's changed since.

So I wish you luck.

Of course most people give their best at all times. Some days my best is not as good as other days, because I’m tired, stressed, distracted by something else going on, but I NEVER choose to take my foot off the pedal. I do all that I absolutely can.

You are talking about CHOOSING to not give your all. That’s just not right, and YABVU.
Better to give up your job than half arse it.

I don’t see the issue with doing ‘quiet quitting’ to be honest. Sometimes in life something has to give, and for me it would be giving my ‘all’ at my job. I wouldn’t risk my relationship with DH, or anything to do with my son.

TTC is hard, and extremely stressful. I am one of those cliches who got pregnant once we were referred to an IVF clinic! I found out less than a week before my appointment and had to been drinking too much over Christmas.

Good luck OP

I find it quite surprising that stress is often cited as a problem in fertility yet when someone suggests reducing their stress in the ways they can everyone seems a bit outraged.

It's a bit of a myth. Women conceive and deliver healthy babies in all sorts of stressful situations - wars, refugee camps, during family upheavals etc. quitting work may just give you more of an opportunity to dwell on the negatives.
Also you are never going to eliminate stress from your life. The best you can do is try to find some medical answers, but there may be none, as you know 10 months isn't unusual.
I would suggest going for counselling to help you manage your responses and feelings. Then you will at least have a better outlook, and approach treatments with confidence - or who knows, conceive quickly!
I had unexplained infertility for 7 years before conceiving.

This made me laugh a little, so thank you for that. The idea of resigning from my job and explaining to my organisation 'i felt I couldn't give 100% so I thought it best to do 0% instead'.

No, you thought it best to allow them to recruit someone else who will give 100%.

It’s not all about you. Maybe there’s a pattern here?

It's nice to read of success stories like yours, that must have been a great surprise.

As I've said I'm fully aware I'm being quite irrational but I just can't push on the same after so many months I didn't expect to conceive quickly but it has been a while now. Just planning to do my job to an OK standard, save a bit of headspace and energy for myself and out more time into constructive things where I can.

Yes I'm sure the jobcentre would be very understanding of this backstory when I sign up for UC 😂

Do it! If we died tomorrow work would replace us so don’t push yourself so much at work. Good luck, I hope it all works out soon for you.

Off the top of my head, Sperm DNA fragmentation is one. EMMA and ALICE tests are another. There will be others.

Thanks for sharing, from what I can see the issues relating to these would be fairly rare and related to things like failure of interventions like IVF or complications for gynae conditions that the NHS treats, again hopefully it won't come to that but I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

With all love, as I know how much TTC can drive you round the bend, this would be a colossally stupid thing to do. Do not set your life on fire because you haven’t yet conceived.

You are also bending stats to support a negative narrative – yes the vast majority of couple do conceive within 6 months, UNDER 30. At mid 30s that drops to 60%. Mid 30s at 12 months rises to 75-85%. That’s rises to 90% at 18 months and 92% at 24 months.

You’ll be in for a whole heap more stress at work if you are called out for your ‘quiet quitting’, and even more if redundancies come round and you are let go because you are ineffective.

Don’t actively damage your future over this.

Oh, so you NEED your job, but are choosing to not give your best?

OK. You do you. 🙄

No one is outraged - thats hyperbolic to suggest.

A lot of stressed people get pregnant and a lot of very in stressed people don’t. You are looking for something to blame.

10 months is normal and you want there to be a reason when there might not be.

I'm afraid I may have given the wrong impression with my OP or perhaps all of the posts combined have done so. Maybe the phrase 'quiet quitting' has affected the understanding too as I realise like many trending phrases it is a bit silly.

All I mean is that I do have a particularly tiring role and I'm going to actively do things to reduce the toll on my wellbeing which I feel is affected by work by the end of every week. To be fair, I should probably have done this sooner regardless of TTC. Sometimes making things 'easier' isn't necessarily 'lazier' or less effective.

I'm not doing a poor job just less enthusiastic than I normally would.

The statistics you shared are really reassuring, did you find them from a reliable source? Thanks for sharing them as it does quiet the irrational part of me a bit 😅

Has your DP had tests done @Maomee?

Try very early in your cycle and see if that helps. So the day your period finishes try then, and the following day, I worked out I conceived twice very early on in the month even though I had a 25-28 day cycle and ovulated around day 12 or so.
sorry this is happening, I was chatting to a lady this weekend who is 8 months into TTC and said to her try relax and it will happen, I now feel a bit bad saying that to her as it’s bias isn’t it (those that find conceiving to be easy don’t stress) never thought of it that way before

I wouldn't feel bad, telling people not to stress is just very much what people say. Whether it actually affects TTC the jury is still out, but I suppose trying to not stress is god advice in general.

Thanks for your advice, we DTD regularly from when the period finishes and up to once daily around ovulation itself and for a bit afterwards too if possible. No luck so far but hopefully it's just chance..

We are currently awaiting his SA result. I think it's due this week (they don't release it immediately which is annoying).

Ask for a course of prednisolone. It could be you have an over-efficient immune system which is stopping your embryo from staying.
This was the game changer for me.

And keep working hard! Your career is important, especially when you have kids to support!