AIBU to feel hurt by my mum treating grandchildren differently?

[Imightbeinthewronghere]

I am trying to be vague for obvious reasons but also trying to give you the full story

I am one of three children, always have been and always will be fiercely independent - I have 2 children and me and my partner have always worked our arses off to provide the best for them

My sibling - one again very independent - never asked for anything

My other sibling - give him £5 and he will spend £10 - he married someone similar - never got on top of their finances and borrowed money constantly from my mum over the years

When my children were young - and me and mum took them out along with my siblings children - I always paid for mine - my mum paid for theirs. Even if I wasn't there I sent money for my child as my mum was a pensioner - my mum always accepted this gratefully as money was tight

My child went to uni - my mum never paid for so much as an asda shop for her - never sent any food etc - fine my child - my responsibility.

My daughter bought a house - again not so much as a food shop or an asda voucher - again not expected my mum is a pensioner

Heres the rub though - my siblings child - has done something terrible and will be in prison for some years - my mum now has said she will be sending money to cover legal fees and other sundry expenses.

Also having only seen my youngest child only twice last year as she cannot come to my house due to my house being on a hill, is now planning on flying hours away, then on a considerable bus journey and staying in a hostel to see him for an hour

She is now also talking about contributing my sibling child driving lessons - did she contribute to any of my children's lessons - no.

I admit - I got very upset about this and did have a go at my mum saying none of this is fair! I am not proud of this.

I do not need any money from my mum, my children don't, but why can't she just try and level it up to all her grandchildren ( she has 5 )

I am so hurt for my children

Yes I should be the bigger person and be thankful my children don't need it - I know I should - but I am struggling.

I might get this deleted later, I am just trying to get a sense check.

I agree with both these comments.
My mum was very loving and fair with us always, and it really helped us feel equally valued growing up, and meant that we dealt with our parents possessions very easily when they died. We each had the things we most loved while also thinking of the other. Because there was no competition we were able to be generous and thoughtful and I am grateful to have a brother who deals with things so decently. Everything was split between us equally, db is better off than me, but he has worked really hard and I would not have wanted an unequal split nor would my parents have wanted that either.
My Mil absolutely prioritises my Sil over my DH, she has gone on many lengthy train journeys to provide childcare to Sil’s child (in her 80s), and is always helping them. I have no idea about financial stuff but just in terms of time there is a huge difference. SIL is the squeaky wheel that gets all the oil.
Of course some children need things more than others or at different times, but where there is a huge disparity, however it is dressed up, it always looks to the children and grandchildren as though one is more loved. I know that because we had always been treated fairly, if I had been absolutely on my uppers when our parents died, and db financially doing well, that he would have given me some of his share, and I would have done the same in reverse.
Treating your children fairly means they treat each other fairly on into adult life and when you are no longer there.
Op talk to your Mum about how this makes you feel. I don’t think you are being petty at all. Your Mum’s actions make you feel less loved and as though your children are less important. It sounds as though your nephew is inside for a violent crime of some sort, yet your Mum is making this enormous effort to get there vs refusing to visit you on your hill , that is really unkind and I don’t think it’s petty to point that out. Ditto the driving lessons. You have been pigeon holed I feel as the reliable, capable and financially sorted one, and your brother as needy. It’s not a good dynamic for anyone long term and it’s not kind to spill that over into grandchildren. Your nephew is in prison because he has done something terrible, it’s not an accident !

Ah I've been the left out one and seen my 6 cousins from 3 aunt/uncles get more than me in time, money and holidays for various 'reasons'/excuses ranging from ain't being a single parent family to my parents owning their own home(mortgaged )and not needing it(despite the single parent and one uncle also being house owners ) ,it's often just whosnmore likely to put up with it ,my grandmother felt the need to buy loyalty and love 🤣in reality the cousins had far more form their parents than I ever did. I was the only grandchild who sometimes didn't get birthday money (as a adult) didn't want it but again it highlighted a lack of thought or consideration the only grandchild who was never taken abroad as the free child places had to be given to supposedly more needy grandchildren(ironically my parents couldn't afford to take me abroad ) whilst the single parents swanned off to Tenerife yearly . It was shit and yes it's affected my sentiments towards my grandparents as a adult . Ironically the only person who visits their resting place now is me and my mother ,the leeches are nowhere to be seen .It's made me vow to never be unfair regardless of need every parent has the same opportunity in life to provide for their children and others shouldnt feel less because of other parents/adults poor choices.