AIBU to feel hurt by my mum treating grandchildren differently?

[Imightbeinthewronghere]

I am trying to be vague for obvious reasons but also trying to give you the full story

I am one of three children, always have been and always will be fiercely independent - I have 2 children and me and my partner have always worked our arses off to provide the best for them

My sibling - one again very independent - never asked for anything

My other sibling - give him £5 and he will spend £10 - he married someone similar - never got on top of their finances and borrowed money constantly from my mum over the years

When my children were young - and me and mum took them out along with my siblings children - I always paid for mine - my mum paid for theirs. Even if I wasn't there I sent money for my child as my mum was a pensioner - my mum always accepted this gratefully as money was tight

My child went to uni - my mum never paid for so much as an asda shop for her - never sent any food etc - fine my child - my responsibility.

My daughter bought a house - again not so much as a food shop or an asda voucher - again not expected my mum is a pensioner

Heres the rub though - my siblings child - has done something terrible and will be in prison for some years - my mum now has said she will be sending money to cover legal fees and other sundry expenses.

Also having only seen my youngest child only twice last year as she cannot come to my house due to my house being on a hill, is now planning on flying hours away, then on a considerable bus journey and staying in a hostel to see him for an hour

She is now also talking about contributing my sibling child driving lessons - did she contribute to any of my children's lessons - no.

I admit - I got very upset about this and did have a go at my mum saying none of this is fair! I am not proud of this.

I do not need any money from my mum, my children don't, but why can't she just try and level it up to all her grandchildren ( she has 5 )

I am so hurt for my children

Yes I should be the bigger person and be thankful my children don't need it - I know I should - but I am struggling.

I might get this deleted later, I am just trying to get a sense check.

I'd be very hurt at the inequity, regardless of the scenario

Of course the OP’s child can see over the fence! She’s a university graduate with a house and a job and an involved mother who raised her well, not in prison in another country!

Yes. Check yourself op, seriously.

Its an emergency that will go on for years

So no one who has those things could ever have any problems, or need any help or attention?

And conversely, anyone in prison for committing a crime should have excuses made for them because their parents probably didn't do a great job?

Sure, but what relevance does its length have to your mother’s involvement in your daughter’s life? What is it you think she needs to do to compensate for her concern for your jailbird nephew?

I am not asking her to compensate my children

It is just the fact there was never any money for my children at important points in their lives, but now there is money to send over every month.

YANBU to be upset that you and your children are expected to get on with things on your own while other family members are treated differently. It's not about money and gifts per se it's about care and interest and you've spent your while life aware that your mum cares more about one sibling and their children than she does about you and yours.

YABU if you expect her to change, she'll always see you as capable and self sufficient so won't ever understand that you have emotional needs that went unmet because feckless sibling was louder and in worse circumstances.

It's not an emergency. It's someone serving the sentence for the crime they've committed. Your mum sounds determined to treat sibling and their kids as golden child. Remember that when she asks you to help her when she gets older and less mobile - because it is you and your daughter she'll ask.

Agreed. My in laws are similar. Bailed out their daughter on many occasions and made excuses for why they pay for things. They used to say they were doing it for the grandchildren (e.g. buying new cars whenever hers got written off, paying their internet bill, taking them on holiday). But even now only one child is at home (others got taken into care) and is mid 20's they are still doing the running around for their daughter and now granddaughter too. They still pay the internet bill (and can't change it to a lower rate as they foolishly let her set it up and it's in her name and she won't give them the password) and won't simply cancel the direct debit as that would be mean. I find their actions are what has enabled their daughter to behave the way she does.

Luckily it's not my mum and dad so I can mostly let it go but it does grate on me how their son doesn't get the same financial input.

That’s an incredibly weird response. It’s not the OP’s mother’s job to solve the OP’s adult child’s problems, by any stretch of the imagination. She’s not going to be able to solve the OP’s nephew’s either, obviously, but it’s fairly clear which one has more pressing issues. Do tell what you think the OP’s mother should be doing to compensate the OP’s daughter for her trip to see her jailbird cousin? Asda vouchers?

Aaand this is why so many Mners are NC with family. Because no matter what’s happening in people’s lives, it always comes down to ‘Waah! Someone got a bigger slice of parental attention than me and my child, and I can’t cope!’

I am not NC with anyone - I have no intention of being.

Because it’s a family emergency type situation! She is probably going without so that she can help with your nephew’s legal fees because this is a significant situation and the need for legal help is high. It’s not at all the same as giving money to a grandchild for shopping or new clothes etc.

This is not a normal, everyday situation and her decision around whether she can afford to help with legal fees in order to keep her grandson out of prison or reduce his sentence etc is obviously going to be different to a decision around whether she will contribute towards uni fees etc. Presumably the outcome of good vs bad legal representation is going to have a much greater difference to her grandson than the outcome of giving money towards a big shop or not to a grandchild!

No, I wasn’t talking about you, @Imightbeinthewronghere, only the poster I was responding to, who was giving such poor advice based on her own sibl8ng competitiveness and insecurity.

Maybe if this mother had treated all of her children equally her children would have been able to grow up and parent their children properly.

Handing out money because a child has an emergency is one thing but when you have created the emergency and there always seems to be an emergency (disabilities/ND apart) then the fault lies with your own parenting

We all should be our children’s safety net even in to adulthood.
But not teaching or letting them learn responsibility then this is why op has the life, money and children she has and her sibling is a complete screw up and has taught their child to not have any responsibility for their money or actions.

Thats not an accurate comparison though is it?

A better analogy would be- one person is given multiple crates to stand on over the years and destroys them all in anger (their own choice) and STILL moans they cant see and gets lots of "oh poor you" whilst the person without the crate gets completely ignored entirely.

my parents were considering changing their will to give me more as we are in low paid jobs whereas my sibling snd partner are in v highly paid

i declined this as it would cause resentment but i accepted money from then when the boiler broke snd we needed ivf , they bought us things like a car seat which we were v grateful for

my sibling found out about a few of these gifts accidentally and was v v v pissed off and jealous

yoour sibling have a child in jail abroad which is soo hideous personally id let all pettyness go as you have a child who went to uni and bought her own house ! In your shoes id feel nothing but sorrow for them their life is in tatters your mum must be in bits - id focus on that personally

My MIL behaves like this. Favours one child, (and their children) who is perceived as the one that needs help. It’s ruined the siblings relationships and the cousins have nothing to do with one another really. It’s very sad, and a good lesson in treating your kids equally if you want a happy family!
People saying she’s giving according to need - I view it as penalising those that behave well and work hard to favour the badly behaved workshy imo!

I completely understand where you are coming from OP. We are in a similar situation in essence but it’s handled so much differently.
My dad bought my brother a house he had a stroke young and it limited his earning potential when young. I already had a (mortgaged) house that wasn’t contributed to.
However my dad comes and sees my children even two weeks like clockwork. He will always have a little gift or a sweet treat. He also often brings me my favourite drink or some wine.
So although there is a huge disparity on what has been given financially. I don’t feel hard done by. My brother needed the financial help but my dad balanced that by making sure I knew I’m not forgotten about

And before this latest emergency?

This gm has had 30 years+ to level out the gift giving but even now she is telling one GC that she is paying for driving lessons for another GC.

How shitty can you get?

You have my sympathy OP. Lots of people on here always bring these posts down to being grabby or self-centred, but it's really about the way unequal treatment makes you feel less loved or important to a parent. I have had this with my family for over 60 years; the main difference is my sister doesn't have problems, lives in a one million+ house, only worked a few years along time ago and is in a very fortunate position, whilst I have a lot less and have worked a lot harder! I finally exploded a few years ago when my mother did something ridiculously unfair and examples from the last few decades fell out of my mouth. She seemed truly shocked, like the hundreds of examples of unfair treatment were a surprise that had never occurred to her. She and my sister now treat me like a mad woman and gaslight me about the past. I have no respect for my mother and don't really speak to my sister as they have not changed their behaviour at all. I think some of the "be the bigger person" people on here have never experienced what you're going through on the same scale and don't appreciate how upsetting it is.

But the OP’s is TRYING TO solve the grandchild issues. She is making the effort to go and see them.nat great expense too.

As for having ‘pressing issues’, it really depends on why he is in prison. That grandchild is as much of an adult as the OP)s children and should take responsibility for their own life.including if this means a few years in a foreign prison.
Because if he is in there due to negligence/error from the police, fair enough to help with no hesitation.
But let’s say he is in prison because he raped someone, was transporting drugs in a country that’s very harsh in drugs, killed someine etc… then maybe he is just getting what he sow?

Also, let’s be honest, it’s not about the money. It’s about how much interest and attention you give to someone. Sometimes, it takes the form of money. But it could have been many other things. Like regular phone calls.

If she drives, cant she drive up the hill to see you? If not, could you get a wheelchair to push her up?

The whole situation is sad but, ultimately l, I'd rather be you/your daughter than your brother/his son.

Although I do understand that it feels unfair and that hurts you. Try and looks at it in a different way.

If your financially okay and stable and you have an immediate family member who isn't and has a situation where a child faces being in prison. I would count myself lucky I do not need that extra help and I would be explaining to my children how lucky they are and that it isn't due to being loved less it's that some times people need more support than others.

I personally couldn't begrudge a sibling help. Especially if I'm actually okay. I think it might feel unfair but your children are safe and secure. Count your blessings and don't give your mum a hard time. She can see your successful and she is just trying to help someone.