AIBU to feel hurt by my mum treating grandchildren differently?

[Imightbeinthewronghere]

I am trying to be vague for obvious reasons but also trying to give you the full story

I am one of three children, always have been and always will be fiercely independent - I have 2 children and me and my partner have always worked our arses off to provide the best for them

My sibling - one again very independent - never asked for anything

My other sibling - give him £5 and he will spend £10 - he married someone similar - never got on top of their finances and borrowed money constantly from my mum over the years

When my children were young - and me and mum took them out along with my siblings children - I always paid for mine - my mum paid for theirs. Even if I wasn't there I sent money for my child as my mum was a pensioner - my mum always accepted this gratefully as money was tight

My child went to uni - my mum never paid for so much as an asda shop for her - never sent any food etc - fine my child - my responsibility.

My daughter bought a house - again not so much as a food shop or an asda voucher - again not expected my mum is a pensioner

Heres the rub though - my siblings child - has done something terrible and will be in prison for some years - my mum now has said she will be sending money to cover legal fees and other sundry expenses.

Also having only seen my youngest child only twice last year as she cannot come to my house due to my house being on a hill, is now planning on flying hours away, then on a considerable bus journey and staying in a hostel to see him for an hour

She is now also talking about contributing my sibling child driving lessons - did she contribute to any of my children's lessons - no.

I admit - I got very upset about this and did have a go at my mum saying none of this is fair! I am not proud of this.

I do not need any money from my mum, my children don't, but why can't she just try and level it up to all her grandchildren ( she has 5 )

I am so hurt for my children

Yes I should be the bigger person and be thankful my children don't need it - I know I should - but I am struggling.

I might get this deleted later, I am just trying to get a sense check.

I would stop worrying over this perceived inequality OP - your dd went to visit your dm so their relationship must be okay.

Are you in fact jealous of that? Their independent relationship despite the fact that you believe your dm didn't give them as much as children?

I think your dm is doing what she believes to be right and sacrificing her resources for that. You may not agree with it, but we all have different ideas. Your place is to respect that difference (and also respect yourself for doing such a great job with your own dc! :)).

@Imightbeinthewronghere tbh I don’t think it’s about your daughter as such.
It’s about tge fact your mother has always put your brother first.
It started with him, giving him money etc… and carried on with his children.

The people who argue that yu should be happy because you dint need help clearly have never been on the receiving end of unfair treatment from their parents.
It’s not the one off help that’s the issue. It’s the constantly prioritising the other sibling(s).
And it hurts even more when you feel your dcs are being in the receiving end of the same treatment.

Ive seen it happening in my own family (my mum/her siblings and my gran).
The hurt is huge.

Mentally put this is the "life is not fair " box.
Then reflect on the mantra "thank fuck I am me and have set a good example to my children who have successful lives"

Not jealous at all, why would I be jealous over a grandparent having a close relationship with their grandchild?

It's a bit like what used to annoy me when teaching! Badly behaved kids used to get rewards if they did one tiny thing right and well-behaved kids who worked hard and always did the right thing got ignored. (Incidentally I made sure all the average and nice kids in my classes got rewarded too- maybe because of my experiences!!). Unless there is actually a disability, I believe all family members should be treated equally.

There’s more to support than money though, was your mum there for you and your dc emotionally? Did she check in with your dd at university to see how she was doing - my grandmother had no money but wrote down recipes for me for instance. It seems she did help with childcare, more than I ever got!

@Imightbeinthewronghere You seem to be demonstrating two separate types of reaction here in both your OP and your responses. Firstly you are accepting that you have always been independent and provided for your family and that’s always been the status quo. So that’s the adult and rational you. Secondly you are feeling that it’s not fair, you and your family need your DM to pay attention and send gifts too. That’s the more childish you and also completely understandable.

Rather than have a go at your DM can you just explain that it would be really nice if just occasionally she were to treat your DC to a little token gift/ card/ treat to ensure that they feel as valued as their cousins?

My DM has quite a number of GC and although she sends birthday cards she barely has any relationship with most of them apart from very occasional visits ( arranged by me or them, not her). For me having an active interest in them would be really nice but it won’t change now.

YANBU. I totally disagree with the posters saying your DM has been "equitable". Of course she hasn't. Enabling and supporting bad behaviour (like poor financial decisions) isn't equity, it's favouritism and bad parenting. Your DB and nephew don't have additional needs that need additional support, they've made poor choices and your DM's cushioning the consequences for them. She's using all her spare financial resources on them who least deserve it.
It also really stood out to me that you said you're fiercely independent. That's often not a personality trait, it's actually often a trauma response that comes from having your needs ignored and learning that no one will help you, so you have to do it all alone. It makes me wonder if your DM has always ignored you and babied your DB.
Yes, your DM has been unfair. Only you can decide how you cope with that. As PP have said she's not likely to change, and she won't appreciate you holding up a mirror to her behaviour. I suppose you and your DD should continue to be the bigger people. You have my sympathy.

Your Mum should very definitely NOT be asking your DD what her views on it are - this is manipulative and unacceptable.

Speaking as a retired person and Mum to 3 AC it can be quite hard. I have stuck to the rule of equal gifts for all with no variation. But it can be difficult. I have only a small amount of savings but youngest GC is in need of some lessons that I would love to pay for - but the other and older GC have all had these and other lessons paid for by their parents, because they have more available cash. Because I am trying to be scrupulously fair I am sitting in my hands and watching this GC (whose parents are less well off) go without.

What would you do?

@Imightbeinthewronghere such a common tale in families. Bottom line is that your sibling is the favoured one hence their offspring too. Feckless as they may be, your DM has enabled their behaviour through the constant bailing out. No incentive for feckless sibling to grow up and take responsibility for for their children, with one at least going off the rails.
YANBU to be hurt by this but it won't change. Be prepared also for feckless sibling to receive the lion's share of any estate not burned through in the future.
Your DM sees you and yours as independent. That cuts both ways so if she needs a lot of support in the future you have no obligation to provide it, she can look to the receivers of her prior support for that.
And if she drives, why on earth can't she get up the hill to visit you?

But it is about the money.

He has been brought up by parents who have done what they pleased because grandma is always there to plug the gaps, pay the bills and he has seen his parents over and over not taking any responsibility and not suffering any consequences because grandma rescues them.

The wall scenario is interesting but I think people are interpreting it differently

The ones that can see over it are those being held up by grandma or grandma had made a box for them to stand on. When it comes up Imightbeinthewronghere and her dc, grandma hasn’t even considered them and hasn’t even thought to do anything.
They are not her responsibility

He's her grandchild just as much as the OP's blameless daughter, even if he has committed a horrific crime, though. Maybe even more so, if she thinks her continual bailing out of the OP's sibling contributed to their champagne tastes-lemonade budget attitude, which may have robbed off on their child in a way that translated into armed robbery?

DH's elder brother did a significant stretch in prison in another country for armed robbery. His parents, sweet, unworldly people with the emotional intelligence of a shoebox and minimum wage jobs, were always trekking over to see him, which meant that DH, the youngest in his family by some way and mid- to late-primary age in these years, was quite badly emotionally neglected, left with older siblings etc, in a way that has absolutely affected him all his life. They were responding to perceived need. Like triage. It's not unusual. But in their case their priority should have been their eight-ten year old. He was their child. Trips to see his brother actively disadvantaged him.

It's different with the OP''s mother. She's not responsible for looking after the OP's adult child. Her travelling to see the OP's nephew in prison isn't disadvantaging the OP's adult daughter.

I don't know what I'd do. I really don't.
I'd maybe make a contribution but tell my adult children why and then buy the others a treat or contribute to something they want/need. At least acknowledge that one is getting more.

I am swinging through all the emotions possible.

This is my concern, the other two siblings.

Am also interested, as. PP was, in went you are so hyper-independent. I can imagine that as a child you had to be and recognised that nobody was going to help you ( or even, any involvement was actually a hindrance) so you needed to help yourself.

Also maybe at play is nice old fashioned misogyny. Eldest boy? Marvellous: the most important! Eldest grandson/ son of eldest boy! The most important!

Can you tell I’m projecting!? I have this set up in my family. It’s definitely not a case of equitable vs equality. It’s favouritism and misogyny ( in my case).

Well it's not really about the money, clearly. The money is acting as a metaphor for the wider relationship between you and your mother. It happens so often in families, this disparity in treatment/money/attention. It certainly happened in mine but I like to think I've learned to accept it, that my mother never did things unfairly intentionally and that I'm very grown up about it now. She can never admit any of it happened, even when my brother himself acknowledges his golden child status. Not going to lie though, I get a very immature sense of satisfaction when other people notice and comment on the unfairness. I feel very 'seen' then.

I've also seen it from the other side because my husband is very much the golden child in his family and it did ruin his relationship with his siblings and with his mother herself in the end. He and I both recognised the dynamic of each other's families very clearly, and he gets very annoyed by how my mother treats me. On the plus side, recognising that means he has been able to better appreciate how things were for his siblings and start to build a better relationship with them.

Ultimately you can't change her. The best you can do is learn from it and not repeat the pattern. You either accept her as she is and find a way to maintain a relationship with her without letting the resentment get in the way or you keep your distance and have less of a relationship with her altogether. You can love her as your mother without actually liking her or approving of her actions. Not easy but possible.

As others have pointed out though, don't let this treatment be rewarded by suddenly becoming the more important child when she needs more help - not as a form of petty revenge, but because that really will build up the bitterness inside you.

I'm interested to know how the third sibling feels about this situation.

I think you would need to consider why the other parents are able to afford the lessons and the other isn't. What circumstances have they faced?
Sometimes it's about poor choices and if they make them understanding they have to deal with the consequence and not be dependent on someone else to fix it.

I completely disagree with you. It is not a grandparents job to even things up because they won’t have the full picture. They are just playing favourites.
OP, this is just like my mother and one of the many reasons I am now LC with her. It was not just material things with her it was time as well.
Now as GPs, we do everything equally with both our children and grandchildren.

Not poor choices. Both parents work. My other AC are better off because of legacies and luck.

And they are not asking for help of course. I am just aware why these lessons cannot happen and am able to help but am holding back and have not even mentioned it.

Is it luck though, my mum says I am lucky - why because I didn't marry a nob and we have both worked our arses off, saved up, gone without - not one bit of that was luck

Do I think I am lucky, yes because I am healthy, my husband is, my children are.

I couldn't get past "fiercely independent". Judging by your post, you really aren't.

It is luck. One DD was lucky enough to get a job in a company that pays really well. Not everyone is so lucky.

Money aside. That she won't visit because of a HILL (even though she goes to the gym) but will FLY to another country is definitely favouritism