AIBU to feel hurt by my mum treating grandchildren differently?

[Imightbeinthewronghere]

I am trying to be vague for obvious reasons but also trying to give you the full story

I am one of three children, always have been and always will be fiercely independent - I have 2 children and me and my partner have always worked our arses off to provide the best for them

My sibling - one again very independent - never asked for anything

My other sibling - give him £5 and he will spend £10 - he married someone similar - never got on top of their finances and borrowed money constantly from my mum over the years

When my children were young - and me and mum took them out along with my siblings children - I always paid for mine - my mum paid for theirs. Even if I wasn't there I sent money for my child as my mum was a pensioner - my mum always accepted this gratefully as money was tight

My child went to uni - my mum never paid for so much as an asda shop for her - never sent any food etc - fine my child - my responsibility.

My daughter bought a house - again not so much as a food shop or an asda voucher - again not expected my mum is a pensioner

Heres the rub though - my siblings child - has done something terrible and will be in prison for some years - my mum now has said she will be sending money to cover legal fees and other sundry expenses.

Also having only seen my youngest child only twice last year as she cannot come to my house due to my house being on a hill, is now planning on flying hours away, then on a considerable bus journey and staying in a hostel to see him for an hour

She is now also talking about contributing my sibling child driving lessons - did she contribute to any of my children's lessons - no.

I admit - I got very upset about this and did have a go at my mum saying none of this is fair! I am not proud of this.

I do not need any money from my mum, my children don't, but why can't she just try and level it up to all her grandchildren ( she has 5 )

I am so hurt for my children

Yes I should be the bigger person and be thankful my children don't need it - I know I should - but I am struggling.

I might get this deleted later, I am just trying to get a sense check.

I can totally understand your sadness OP…but as someone has already pointed have, equality does not mean the same as equitable. This graphic demonstrates this brilliantly (you’ll have to wait for MN to approve it though 👌🏻)

I get that I really do.

I know I am coming across as petty and selfish

I know

I can imagine. Hard to get your head around a nephew committing a serious crime. But I don’t think this is the time to start internally comparing help given to you and your sibling’s children. I think it’s not comparing like with like. Your adult child is a self-supporting graduate non-criminal with a house, and presumably a job.

I am going to have leave this for a few hours, I am not ignoring you all

Got errands to run

You won’t change her behaviour. The only thing you truly have influence over is how you respond. I would do whatever you need to do to feel peace about the situation. Maybe lower your expectations and reduce contact, and put more time and energy into other more positive relationships.

I think you’ve conflated two very different situations here.

The fact that your Mum hasn’t spent even a small amount on your DC and didn’t even when they were small

and

The extraordinary circumstance of your nephew being in prison abroad.

I don’t think the two actually relate to each other but you’ve lost your cool and joined the dots in your head.

Who paid for Johnny to go to the Zoo in 2003 when Johnny is now in jail shouldn’t factor in here really.

I can see why you’ve gone there in your head though

OP said her mum consistently had her daughter once a week.

So she has saved you thousands in childcare costs over the years.

I can see why you feel like this. Yeah maybe it's giving to those in most need, but still seems hurtful that you have had to work hard to give your children opportunities whereas siblings children just get given it. I would also be annoyed at the lack of any token gesture towards them e.g. giving a shopping voucher while at uni.

What you needed from her was her time not money and she gave you the time when she helped with looking after your children. Maybe she was paying for her other grandchildren to go out for the day because if she didn’t they wouldn’t get any experiences.
How would your children know that their grandma didn’t spend money on them or when they got older how did they know she was spending money on their cousins? If you told them because you were upset then YABU for that. Are you close with your mum or have a nice relationship? If you are I wouldn’t let this come between you, be proud that you don’t need any financial assistance

I understand where you're coming from @Imightbeinthewronghere and your feelings are valid. It's the money, but it's also not the money. My mother has barely given me a birthday present in 20 years but pays household bills for a sibling. It was made clear to me a long time ago that I wasn't to ask for money. In situations where money was offered and I accepted, I was punished for it and she expected to have full control over how the money was spent. Sibling constantly has his hand in the pot.

A good question to ask yourself is why you ended up in a position where you are so fiercely independent that you would never ask for anything. You didn't get there all by yourself.

Your mother is in the wrong but your chances of getting her to admit that are very slim. What you can control is how you feel about it. I had six months of therapy (probably need more, tbh) and that really helped.

I can see both sides of this. I see why you’re hurt but I also your mum is focusing her resources where they’re most needed, in her eyes. It’s a shame you got upset with her but maybe you can clear the air when you’re feeling less emotional about it. It’s normal to feel fiercely protective of your children.
I have some experience of a similar situation, but less extreme. Whenever I feel a twinge of resentment I try to give my head a wobble because I know most people are trying their best.

I'm all for treating your dc equally. But. This does seem like an emergency situation. In an emergency I would expect the part of the family affected to get more support.

I don’t think that has much bearing on this complicated situation where the DC involved are now adults

I think I’d be more cross at the waste of money on nephew when he did something terrible(?) and on-purpose(?). If he was caught up in something not wholly his fault I’d be more sympathetic.

I don’t think your timing was great, but I do think that pointing out the lack of any attempt to address any sort of balance was overdue. I think it’s the contrast between all the (self-caused) bail outs vs the lack of a gesture or a treat for other GCs.

Why is it a ‘waste’? From the OP’s mother’s POV, he’s presumably her grandchild on the same basis as the OP’s blameless daughter is. It’s possible she feels to blame, or at least implicated, if it was a crime involving theft, if she relates it to the grandchild’s upbringing by her own child, who has always been a leech. It’s possible she feels at fault for not doing a better job with the parent.

Well that’s a whole heap of cod psychology and a jump of a shark…

Funding his prison allowance (for some years) and legal fees are not the GM’s responsibility or fault at all. Presumably if she doesn’t bail him out (again) he either goes without like others would or his own parents step up.

If she can do all this and travel overseas to support your nephew, why can't she visit you even though your house is on a hill? Is it a driving/parking issue or does she not really bother with you and your children any more?

Honestly, I’d step back. I couldn’t sit there and watch fecklessness be rewarded. They’ll never change as she always bails them out.

She raised them, btw. The cycle will just continue.

This is just like my in-laws and our dc. It wasn’t about the money, it was about time and attention. For example they would be too busy to attend a nativity to see our dc play a part but virtually the next day see my SIL dc in their nativity and then go in and on about how wonderful they were in the play.
I really tried to shield my dc from it at the time but now they are older they make occasional
comments about ‘nans favourites’ . Funnily enough the gc that visit the most are the ones who had the least time and attention from her as children.

Its unfair and rewarding poor behaviour OP whilst disregarding all the parenting efforts you have made.

She is leveling it up for her grandchildren, yours aren't disadvantaged because you and your DH make sure they have what they need. What your mum is doing is trying to give the one with shit parents and equal shot in life. It's not about you or your sibling, it's about the chid/children who were disadvantaged being born to shit parents. Like how we have programmes for disadvantaged children in the public sector, student loans based on parents income, reasonable adjustments in schools for children from dysfunctional families or children with additional needs. Equality isn't treating everyone the same.
I can understand you being hurt by it, but try and think about your niece/nephew and what they need. They're your family too, your mum is right to try and level the playing field for them.

I don't agree with this at all.

Ops dd isn't even in the picture. Dm hasn't checked to see if the dd can see over the fence.

OP. Your dm sounds crap. Like you say even a token gesture or a visit would make her feel remembered.

Maybe if she had been scrupulously fair and not just thrown money at these people things might have worked out better.

This sibling and his wife I would hazard a guess are only together now doing the same things over and over because they are still on the gravy train your mother is driving. They have never been asked to figure anything out and have been infantilised by your mother to the point where they have fucked up being adults so much so that their child thought they could do the same and grandma would ride to the rescue.

Maybe letting them fail and getting the help to budget and grow up would have been better for everyone concerned

She doesn't need us to do anything, she is very independent, still drives, goes to the gym, goes on holiday, goes out with friends - she has a better social life than me hahaha

So she can do all of these things but can’t visit you because you live on a hill and is quite happy to tell one GC that she is paying for driving lessons for another GC and probably over the years she has told them of all the other money presents and toys that have been gifted.

I do think you need to take on board what your mother is telling you and your dc.

She doesn’t think about you.

You your dh and children are a family she knows. You are not her family.

Because if you were her family you would be receiving gifts and help

I would be upset, too. I think your mum should be told, and be made aware of, the fact that she gives your sibling and his children special treatment, and that it's very hurtful that she seems to reward and prefer your sibling. Depending on her reaction, I would either take a step back from the relationship or continue as normal. I'd find it difficult to be around a parent who treats me differently to my siblings.

I presume that if she needs looking after in the future it won’t be her special dc who she will turn to. It will be you.

She expects that you will just take on board caring for her.

Then when she passes you know she isn’t going to mention you or your dc in her will.

Anything she owns will be going to her special children because they need it more.

What has not occurred to your mother is that she has created the situation where her adult children need financial help because she has always given financial help

She hasn’t let them be responsible for their own money and debts.

She hasn’t given them guidance

She hasn’t let them to grow up

She hasn’t let them learn consequences

Personally I wouldn’t go out of my way to have much to do with her.
Turn up occasionally when she asks but start to keep note of what happens when you meet.
When she is chatting make a note of how much money she is giving out and to whom and what she asks of you.

I would if you want to test her, when this gc’s trial is over, wait a while then come up with your own emergency and see what she does.
Will she ride to your rescue?

Or will she tell you to figure it out?