AIBU to feel hurt by my mum treating grandchildren differently?

[Imightbeinthewronghere]

I am trying to be vague for obvious reasons but also trying to give you the full story

I am one of three children, always have been and always will be fiercely independent - I have 2 children and me and my partner have always worked our arses off to provide the best for them

My sibling - one again very independent - never asked for anything

My other sibling - give him £5 and he will spend £10 - he married someone similar - never got on top of their finances and borrowed money constantly from my mum over the years

When my children were young - and me and mum took them out along with my siblings children - I always paid for mine - my mum paid for theirs. Even if I wasn't there I sent money for my child as my mum was a pensioner - my mum always accepted this gratefully as money was tight

My child went to uni - my mum never paid for so much as an asda shop for her - never sent any food etc - fine my child - my responsibility.

My daughter bought a house - again not so much as a food shop or an asda voucher - again not expected my mum is a pensioner

Heres the rub though - my siblings child - has done something terrible and will be in prison for some years - my mum now has said she will be sending money to cover legal fees and other sundry expenses.

Also having only seen my youngest child only twice last year as she cannot come to my house due to my house being on a hill, is now planning on flying hours away, then on a considerable bus journey and staying in a hostel to see him for an hour

She is now also talking about contributing my sibling child driving lessons - did she contribute to any of my children's lessons - no.

I admit - I got very upset about this and did have a go at my mum saying none of this is fair! I am not proud of this.

I do not need any money from my mum, my children don't, but why can't she just try and level it up to all her grandchildren ( she has 5 )

I am so hurt for my children

Yes I should be the bigger person and be thankful my children don't need it - I know I should - but I am struggling.

I might get this deleted later, I am just trying to get a sense check.

Lucky, or she worked hard so they chose her? Well-paying companies don’t hire by chance.

Is that luck? Did she not have an interview to get the job? Did she not have to have any qualifications for the role?

Or she applied for a job, had the requisite qualifications, passed an interview, presumably scored more than other others then was appointed - what is lucky about that?

Who do I rely on now?

What support am I receiving that makes me dependant

My mother offered to provide one day a week child care for me, my daughter is now 28.

Minimising the achievements of a successful DC, because your other DC haven’t done the same, is a really sad thing for a parent to do.

I agree, I cannot actually believe that they think it is luck that her daughter got a well paying job.

Clearly OP needs emotional support from her Mum who is failing to provide it. She should have explained to OP why she feels she has to give her resources (both financial and emotional) to grandchild abroad in custody.

I'm sure I read a quote somewhere along the lines of 'the harder I work, the luckier I become'

Favouritism. Plain and simple.

I can see quite rightly in my opinion why you feel like this. With out giving to much information 3 of my cousins nearly got cut out my grandparents will due to another aunt feeling they had good jobs and were 'doing alright'. No they worked hard, and should be treated the same as the rest of us. Another 4 siblings, 1 cannot hold down a job and everything is always someone elses fault and spends above his means. In your case I can understand your mom not wanting grandchildren to go with out but the sibling has the have £5 spend £6 mentality why should he be constantly bailed out at the expense of others. It will cause alot of resentment further down the line.

Agreed. And such favouritism, shown early on, is often why those DC end up unable/unwilling to work hard, make good choices and support themselves; they know mommy dearest is going to bail them out regardless.

No such luck for the ‘lucky’ ones who work hard….

I agree and I also think it's so disrespectful to label it as "luck" when you've worked your arse off for something. One of my friends constantly tells me I am "lucky" to never put on weight when she knows damn well I work out at the gym multiple times a week and eat really clean. If I didnt do that, I'd put lots of weight on. It has zero to do with "luck".

Or one child fucks up, over and over, and needs more bailing out. It's not a matter of 'favouritism', but of a perception of need, incapacity or ineptitude on the part of a parent. Which the OP, obviously, may think is a fundamental error of judgement, or just the whine of the overlooked, like the posts on here complaining about their well-behaved child never getting Star of the Week while the Year Two bad boy gets it for for managing not to garotte someone in the playground for five days.

If one child is playing safely in a playpen and the other is running into the road, which one do you run after?

That’s a lot of words to say no consequences for an irresponsible adult.

I could live with this excuse if it were true in my situation. I had a mother who claimed how she raised us was entirely fair. It wasn’t. It always got to the point where by the time it came to me having some kind of equity, the money had run out. It wasn’t all about the golden boy, first born being a fuck up because he was raised to be allowed to be a fuck up. I went to school and did my exams and went to university and got a decent job because I had to. She supported him through his fuck ups and still maintains everything she did was entirely equitable. I guess in one regard she is right. She had to pay through the nose to bail him out at various points because she made so many allowances for him as a child / teenager that she never made for me.

I’m not upset or bitter about what he got, it just irritates me when I have to hear how brilliant he is in comparison to me and my sister.

There's also a huge difference between responding to need and enabling dysfunction.

If a parent continually rescues one adult child from the consequences of their decisions while expecting the responsible child to be endlessly self-sufficient, resentment is inevitable and it will affect their relationship later on.

Honestly, I would mention to the other AC that you would like to do this for the GC because you saw how much their children got out of it. Explain that you can’t afford to give the same amount to all of the grandchildren right now, but that you would intend to even this out as much as possible over time. Ask them how they would feel about it. I would hope they would say that they understood completely, and they’d be happy that their niece/nephew got that opportunity too. This is what happens when you are usually completely fair and acknowledge when you can’t be, but keep those occasions to the minimum. Also, that’s assuming that you aren’t just propping up poor financial choices - eg the sibling whose child(ren) are ‘going without’ isn’t simultaneously buying expensive cars or going on trips to Ibiza instead of paying for their kids’ clubs like the others do.

In that case, I’d speak to your other adult children and see how they feel. They’ll likely say go ahead, because it is all transparent and fair. Maybe you could take the others out for cake or something. A gesture to even it up.

I don’t think anyone would begrudge some one off help in these circumstances for their nieces and nephews. It’s when there is secrecy and very constant uneven attention that it becomes a problem

Oh come on…

Most people who work hard and have come out of Uni with a decent degree are finding jobs that pay well enough,
And most people start with a not so great job agd then change after 2 years or so for a better paid one. At 28yo, I’d guess the dd will have had the opportunity to do that twice?
Thars not chance that. That’s hard work.

We need to stop assuming those who have a well paid job are just lucky or privilege. Yes it migut we’ll have played a part. Hard work will have had a part too. And not acknowledging that is crap.
For the Dd but for the OP too.

Fwiw, being extremely independent and doing your best to NOT need any support (eg from parents) is often a trauma response….

Both children @VirtueName

Because only giving attention to the one who ‘escapes’ is simply shit parenting.
Just like giving again and again stickers and Star of Week award for those who barely show normal, acceptable behaviour is shit, lazy, teaching.

I say that as a parent of two dcs, one NT and doing extremely well, independent etc… and the other ND and needing much more support.
The needs of the autistic child have never meant that the needs of the NT child disappeared or didn’t matter ‘because oh look how resilient they are’. Or because they never seem to ‘need’ anything.

Treating children according to needs means not giving them the same support. It does NOT mean giving 90% of the support to one and only 10% to the other.

Her qualifications are no better than her sister's. It just so happens that a particularly well paid job came up for her where she lives.

But what about experience, tenacity, resilience, getting a high paid job, normally means the expectation of high input etc, companies do not give out high paying roles on luck!

Why are you diminishing your daughters achievement?

Just so happens

She applied
Had the experience
Had the qualifications
Was shortlisted
Interviewed best
Showed potential

Yet you think its luck

Well I’m the ignored granddaughter, though my cousin hasn’t gone to prison (that I’m aware of) but it does hurt like hell and it is unfair.

At a family occasion all my grandmother could talk about was golden granddaughters child, I was holding my baby dd at the time trying to introduce her. She didn’t care. Still hurt. Her loss, didn’t bother with her again after that. Was not going to put my children through being 2nd best

I have this too but when I think about it properly I would be mortified if my mil thought I needed help raising my kids.
Mt mum treats her 17 grandchildren equally.
My Mil has 9 grandchildren.
She does a lot for one sons child but that's because he's a fuck up and she feels sorry for their child.

We all do.
Im happy that she realises we are able to look after our own children

We would hate to be a burden to our parents at our age as both sets of parents had big families , had enough kids to worry about, without having to worry about grandchildren.