AIBU to feel hurt by my mum treating grandchildren differently?

[Imightbeinthewronghere]

I am trying to be vague for obvious reasons but also trying to give you the full story

I am one of three children, always have been and always will be fiercely independent - I have 2 children and me and my partner have always worked our arses off to provide the best for them

My sibling - one again very independent - never asked for anything

My other sibling - give him £5 and he will spend £10 - he married someone similar - never got on top of their finances and borrowed money constantly from my mum over the years

When my children were young - and me and mum took them out along with my siblings children - I always paid for mine - my mum paid for theirs. Even if I wasn't there I sent money for my child as my mum was a pensioner - my mum always accepted this gratefully as money was tight

My child went to uni - my mum never paid for so much as an asda shop for her - never sent any food etc - fine my child - my responsibility.

My daughter bought a house - again not so much as a food shop or an asda voucher - again not expected my mum is a pensioner

Heres the rub though - my siblings child - has done something terrible and will be in prison for some years - my mum now has said she will be sending money to cover legal fees and other sundry expenses.

Also having only seen my youngest child only twice last year as she cannot come to my house due to my house being on a hill, is now planning on flying hours away, then on a considerable bus journey and staying in a hostel to see him for an hour

She is now also talking about contributing my sibling child driving lessons - did she contribute to any of my children's lessons - no.

I admit - I got very upset about this and did have a go at my mum saying none of this is fair! I am not proud of this.

I do not need any money from my mum, my children don't, but why can't she just try and level it up to all her grandchildren ( she has 5 )

I am so hurt for my children

Yes I should be the bigger person and be thankful my children don't need it - I know I should - but I am struggling.

I might get this deleted later, I am just trying to get a sense check.

You're not being unreasonable but I can also see it from your mum's pov- shes using her limited resources according to need. What did she say when you had a go?

For heaven’s sake, OP, that’s incredibly petty. Your sibling’s child was raised by fuckups, is in prison abroad, and your mother clearly feels he needs a visit from her and potentially legal help. I can’t believe that your response to this is to complain that your mother never bought your child groceries at university or after they bought a house! It’s a needs-based situation.

She said she expected better from me.

She then went on to question my child about if she felt left out - what is she going to say, yes grandma I do..... but even she can see the imbalance.

Your Mum is being out of order. She can't get to your house because it's on a hill but she can fly abroad!! Ridiculous. I think you were right to have a go. She is not being fair to your children and I don't know why she can't see that. I do understand that she must be panicking and upset about the grandchild that is in trouble but she should still be treating the others fairly. Hope you are feeling better after a vent.

He had legal help.

Another member of the extended family offered to cover the costs of a private lawyer but now realises how much it is going to cost.

Thank you, I didn't know if I was.

I am trying to remain impartial.

I am just tired, hormonal, upset for everyone

From bitter experience, I can tell you, OP, that it doesn't matter what you say or what you do, your mum will never change. Who will she turn to soon when her health fails and feckless son vanishes? What will you do then? Be warned.

I don’t agree that children or grand-children should be treated equally (given the same amount regardless of circumstances). I believe they should be treated equitably (give them different support so that they end up in the same position).

Your kids sound like they are doing great. Your sibling’s kids not so much. My resources would definitely go to the kid who needs it.

What do/did you need from her as a mother and grandmother? Did she do those things?

Distance yourself, youll only get hurt. Your mum has made her choices

When my daughter was young she had her once a week for me until she was 5 then did pick up once a week - so yes very much appreciated.

Other than the child care - which I was very grateful for - not much as me and my partner have worked between us to do things

Depending on the crime I would be more inclined to be totally cut off from said grandchild rather than help him .

She probably feels guilty for raising your feckless brother and is trying to make up for it .

I can understand why it hurts OP.
But I'm wondering how your dc knows how your dm is spending their money?
Given that they do, the obvious way to deal with it is to emphasise how you and your other independent sibling have worked hard and provide for your children. The feckless sibling (and dc) are the exception, not you. And let it be known that love and support may take different forms depending on circumstances.
If you feel that your dm doesn't bring anything to your family, prioritise family relationships that do.

Since anything your pensioner mother can contribute to the legal fees will be like a drop in the ocean, especially after she has paid the fares to visit her DGS, you are being pretty unreasonable really.
I see your point but I wonder if your independence has been so pointed in the past that DM has felt that her contributions would not be welcomed.

If my mum were to send £250 per month for sibling child - I am not saying my mum should therefore give the others the same amount

Even if she just said to my two here's £20 or here's a voucher to say I haven't forgotten you

So it seems like where you needed her, she stepped up.

What things do you and your daughter do for her?

Very similar situation in my family too, but I’m one of the grandchildren in this situation (one of the ones who didn’t get, not one of the ones who did).

It’s absolutely not unreasonable to notice the unfairness (and trust me, the grandchildren have) but as you know, you can’t control how she spends her money so it’s better just to accept it.

I understand why you are hurt. Not much you can do though. My mum like yours would say "I expect better from you". She expected perfect behaviour from me and accepted appalling behaviour from my brother. Maddening. I distanced myself emotionally. Mine has dementia now so it's too late to explain how unfair it is, but you could try.

I think that is a major part of it.

I think as well as when we were growing up they were in financial difficulties and never got any help she hates to see them struggle, but they struggle due to having champagne tastes on a lemonade budget and because she bails them out

She doesn't need us to do anything, she is very independent, still drives, goes to the gym, goes on holiday, goes out with friends - she has a better social life than me hahaha

I think YABU. She's on a limited income. What's the point of spending that on people who already have what they need and not on someone who doesn't? Money isn't love.

My daughter is 28 - I didn't tell her - she went down to see her Grandma and she told her

So maybe you take a similar approach. She doesn't do those things because she doesnt think you need them. If you do need something, she does it. She's taught you to be pretty much the same.

It’s about equity over equality. To give others equal opportunity you need to treat them differently as their circumstances differ.

Three people are trying to look over a 5 foot tall fence. One of them is 4 foot tall, one is 5 foot and the other 6 foot tall. The 6 foot tall person needs no help to see over the fence, they already have everything they need. The 5 foot tall person needs to stand on a 1 foot crate to have the same opportunity. However, the 4 foot tall person will need 2 crates to have the same chance as the others.

Your fortunate child is 6 foot tall, don’t begrudge her 4 foot cousin their 2 crates. Even with the additional support your Mum’s always given the child has ended up with a poor outcome. Your child didn’t need anything additional from your Mum to succeed, she had you.

The imbalance as you put it is that your mother has 5 grandchildren who have been raised very differently and therefore she feels, quite rightly, that they need different things.