AIBU to be disappointed in this anniversary gift? Probably going to sound like an ungrateful cow here

[Caffeinepleasenow]

It's our anniversary this weekend. DH isn't great at gift giving and prefers for me to tell him exactly what I want, which is fine by me. I pointed out the exact running shoes that I wanted in the shop a couple of weeks ago and sent him a picture of them too.

This afternoon he gave me some perfume, that he'd bought while out running errands with our toddler. He said they didn't have the shoes I wanted anymore. It's nice perfume, but not something I particularly wanted. I have mentioned some perfumes that I liked, after getting some samples, so maybe he thought any would do.

What's slightly weirder is that it's the exact same perfume that he saw me buy for my mum's birthday a couple of months ago.

It just feels very low effort. I would've preferred he order the shoes I liked online, or asked which perfume I liked again.

AIBU to be slightly disappointed?

Been married for 36 years and always exchange anniversary gifts. And go away somewhere even if it’s just a night in a nearby hotel. You’re entitled to your opinion that anniversaries are not important. Not everyone shares that view.

I also did not realise most people bought each other presents for their wedding anniversary every year. I don't think the couples that do love each other more than the couple that dont. I think there may just be a mismatch between your values that needs to be talked about. Neither is right or wrong but maybe you place a lot of importance on this and your husband doesnt. If he is a decent partner day to day, id say try and focus on that. How did he react to the socks?

I’m curious though- are they things like trainers? If I were to do anniversary gifts, it would be something more romantic and marriage specific. Trainers seem like birthday gift to me and then even then I’d expect my DH to buy himself trainers of he needed a new pair. Each to their own I guess but I can’t see the connection between getting a functional item and celebrating your marriage.

Not trainers no. DH buys me Elemis or L’Occitane stuff, I buy him clothes and books, a good single malt or a tie. I’ll order a personalised card with photos of us from Moonpig. For the big ones he will buy me jewellery - he has good taste. I buy him cufflinks.

We don't usually buy presents but we always at least go out for the day and have a nice lunch and nice evening meal. Most years we go away for the night or longer.

They're only "a thing" for some people. I'm not one of them.

Personally I dislike obligatory/entitlement gifts, ie a gift received purely because of the date (birthday, Christmas, anniversary etc) a sense of obligation on behalf of the giver and a corresponding sense of entitlement on behalf of the recipient.

Non-obligatory gifts are much nicer and more meaningful.

It’s our fourteenth anniversary today. I was just handed a card and informed a restaurant is booked for this afternoon. I was pleasantly surprised, i’d completely forgotten about our anniversary.

Perfume sounds nice! Have a lovely anniversary.

We do non-obligatory gifts as well as supposed obligatory ones. It's great!

Definitely YANBU. Sometimes it’s not about the gift itself, it’s about feeling heard.

On our 25th anniversary earlier this year my husband bought me a chunky silver Tiffany bracelet that I’d never choose in a million years. It was very expensive, but completely not my style. I remember thinking what a waste of money because if he’d asked me, I could have suggested something I’d genuinely wear and treasure.

In your case, you actually told him exactly which shoes you wanted and even sent him a photo. If they were sold out, ordering them online or simply asking you which perfume you’d prefer seems like the obvious next step. I’d be disappointed too.

We don’t buy Anniversary or birthday gifts either, never have. We appreciate each other throughout the year.

Yes, I think that's what happened. He saw the perfume and got it muddled on why he remembered it!

He's a lovely DH and I'm over the brief disappointment today. I will buy the trainers when I can justify the expense to myself. I think that's partly why I like doing gifts; because I find it hard to buy things for myself so it feels better to get it as a gift for a special occasion.

I appreciate everyone's viewpoints here, thanks again!

(Perfume is not Chanel 5, for the poster who asked haha. It is Daisy Wild.)

We appreciate each other throughout the year too!

I agree with this @Miranda65
Why are you acting like you have never heard of anniversary gifts before? Mumsnet is so weird.
Raise the bar for yourself if you want but don't expect others to accept so little in life because you do 😬

I don’t think you are spoilt.

I would say to him, I really wanted those trainers and struggle to treat myself so am disappointed the opportunity to get them is missed. Point out you got him nice stuff he wanted whereas he got you the perfume your mum wears.

That will at least stop him doing it again.

We often buy anniversary gifts and always go out for a meal or away for the night or longer AND we also appreciate each other throughout the year. It really is not an either/or situation

So do we. Honestly comments like that just come across as sanctimonious sour grapes.

Just order the running shoes yourself and say to him let’s not bother in future!

So because you and your partner are useless, she should be grateful?

Agree. Trainers is a rubbish anniversary gift. I always go with what the year is - second anniversary this year so bought him cotton loungewear

Buy your own trainers? If he can afford them then so can you? It’s your money. you are married

It could be where I grew up but large anniversary gifts were not a thing at all. Neither of our parents exchanged sizeable gifts even when they could eventually afford it. We never did either.

What was typical was a bunch of flowers, a box of chocs or similar and a special dinner unless it was one of the big anniversaries (which was conventionally a piece of jewellery or similar and a bigger family dinner). It was an acknowledgement of another year together not a birthday.

It really doesn’t matter if you do large gifts or not - it only matters if there is a mismatch between the partners.

We don't buy or exchange anniversary gifts either.

Same. My husband is shit at giving, so I buy what I want rather than wait for him to not buy for me.

Works for us.

Adjust your mindset and life is less disappointing.

Thanks! Will grow up 👍