AIBU to be disappointed in this anniversary gift? Probably going to sound like an ungrateful cow here

[Caffeinepleasenow]

It's our anniversary this weekend. DH isn't great at gift giving and prefers for me to tell him exactly what I want, which is fine by me. I pointed out the exact running shoes that I wanted in the shop a couple of weeks ago and sent him a picture of them too.

This afternoon he gave me some perfume, that he'd bought while out running errands with our toddler. He said they didn't have the shoes I wanted anymore. It's nice perfume, but not something I particularly wanted. I have mentioned some perfumes that I liked, after getting some samples, so maybe he thought any would do.

What's slightly weirder is that it's the exact same perfume that he saw me buy for my mum's birthday a couple of months ago.

It just feels very low effort. I would've preferred he order the shoes I liked online, or asked which perfume I liked again.

AIBU to be slightly disappointed?

We don't do anniversary gifts because to us it's pointless as we buy what we want when we want. However i know others that do token gifts and some that do extravagant gifts. Each to their own .

Maybe he didn't particularly want to get you running shoes and was trying to get more of a romantic gift. He likely thought you liked the perfume if he saw you buying it for your mum!

Thanks everyone for your replies! It is nice perfume, I just thought it was slightly odd to smell exactly the same as my mum haha. I will gratefully accept the gift and not mention anything.

Someone asked, I got DH some expensive socks (he's very particular on socks) and some other bits for his hobby.

Another one here, though we do tend to go away for a few days.

Please tell me it wasn’t Chanel no 5. Supposedly dept stores do good sales on Chanel no. 5 on Xmas eve to husbands who have no imagination.

I’d be annoyed too, OP. Low effort.

I can honestly say that not once in the 48 years that DH and I have been married has DH ever bought me an anniversary present! To be fair, I haven't bought him one either!

If you want those shoes, OP, just buy them yourself!

All this shilly-shallying about, having to tell someone what you'd like to receive and then waiting for them to buy it for you (and then the annoyance or disappointment when they get the wrong one!) is reminiscent of childhood. Set yourself free from it and just buy your own stuff in future - and let him buy his.

Thoughtless present. If I let dh loose he’d buy a bag I don’t like. Goes back every time, now it’s a Harrods or Selfridges gift voucher so at least I can chose something I like!

I think you sound spoiled. I find this demanding what you want for a present really mercenary. Perfume is a nice gift. What did you get him?

I was responding to a PP who said someone's bar was too low due to not giving/receiving gifts

I'm happy for others to do whatever works for them. I was expressing we don't need gifts and my bar isn't low.

I take it gifts are important to you?

Exactly. Didn’t take long for the ‘you are lucky. I would have been happy with a lump of coal’ brigade to turn up.
I am sorry OP. That’s not good enough. .

Maybe I am spoilt! I don't think I demand what I want though. He asked me very early on in our relationship to tell him what I would like because he finds choosing gifts stressful.

I got him expensive socks (very particular on what kind of socks he'll wear) and some bits for his hobby.

Me and my husband do anniversary presents, my friends do too. It's not unusual at all. Unless you're a very different generation (older?) I'd probably just ask nicely to return the perfume and find the trainers you like online. No point looking at it and being reminded of the lack of thought.

You’ll get some posters saying they expect nothing and jump for joy when their partner remembers their name but ignore. It’s important to you which is what matters here. It seems like he didn’t put any thought in which is annoying - can you swap the perfume for one you do like?

I would suggest that if he finds present buying stressful you stop. My husband and I realised that is all got a bit silly just performatively buying things for each other at birthdays and Xmas so we decided that we would spend the money doing something together so we either have a night stay at a hotel or go out for a nice dinner or we would buy something for the house together. It just took away all the stress and if we want something specifically for ourselves we just buy it. It stops bad gifts and wasteful spending.

I totally get this OP. My husband is terrible or amazing at gift giving and nothing much inbetween. One Christmas I got a band tshirt of a band I can't abide, no idea what he was thinking. Another year he took me to New York for a long weekend! There is no rhyme or reason to him.

For years now I have simply bought my own gifts instead and asked him to get me something small that I don't know about til I open it. This year I bought myself a watch for Christmas and he got me a Grinch snuggle blanket (for a child) t for the sofa (we have three HUGE coordinated blankets for the sofa already that he uses so obviously knows about them!) and it reminded me WHY I get my own gifts all over again!

I'm guessing husband maybe knew he knew the perfume but couldn't recall why, or he assumed you'd bought it for yourself before? I mean at least he tried... I would have left it sealed and regifted it tbh 😂

We don't do anniversary gifts either better things to spend money on

I think you’re being a bit precious and spoiled tbh. No particular problem with anniversary gifts if you want to do them but its unorthodox and the lack of a gift isn’t something to kick off about.

I know it sounds weird and old fashioned but I am firmly in the “its the thought that counts” category. If someone has put some thought, effort and money into buying a gift for you, you are blessed. No one is entitled to get exactly what they want. Certainly not for an anniversary present.

That is low effort . My mum is exactly the same if she can’t be bothered to source something . The shop sold out is her go to phrase . Lazy .

But you know that most people do, don't you?

Poor guy lol. You're setting yourself up for upset with this relentless gift giving schedule. Bday, xmas, anniversary, mother's day, valentines day, and goodness knows what else. All of which, it sounds like, have to be special and thoughtful gifts.

You know hes bad at gift giving so come to another arrangement. Maybe only gift on 2 occasions per year and agree in advance what to do about the other days - A nice meal or something. Or tell him to ask your mum (or whoever you inherited the gift giving love language from) what to get you. But yeah the current setup is just hassle for him and disappointment for you.

If you're gonna do anniversary gifts then perfume is more apt than running shoes. Just buy some running shoes if you need them. It's a bit prosaic, like asking for a toilet seat or cagoule. But ofc pointless to get a perfume you don't wear/like. If he's crap at gifts, don't add extra ones on top of birthday/xmas and just do dinners out or something, while buying practical shit you need yourself.

Keep it for a year and give it to your mum. Buy yourself the trainers. Job done!

Not particularly. I buy what I want for myself.

Your comment absolutely reads as though you are dismissing gift giving as not important, regardless of what reply you were making.

I got a garlic press one year 'because you said you wanted a new one".

Yes, I did say that - because ours broke. General observation that this household thing had broken and we needed a new one, not that I wanted one for a gift!