AIBU to be disappointed in this anniversary gift? Probably going to sound like an ungrateful cow here

[Caffeinepleasenow]

It's our anniversary this weekend. DH isn't great at gift giving and prefers for me to tell him exactly what I want, which is fine by me. I pointed out the exact running shoes that I wanted in the shop a couple of weeks ago and sent him a picture of them too.

This afternoon he gave me some perfume, that he'd bought while out running errands with our toddler. He said they didn't have the shoes I wanted anymore. It's nice perfume, but not something I particularly wanted. I have mentioned some perfumes that I liked, after getting some samples, so maybe he thought any would do.

What's slightly weirder is that it's the exact same perfume that he saw me buy for my mum's birthday a couple of months ago.

It just feels very low effort. I would've preferred he order the shoes I liked online, or asked which perfume I liked again.

AIBU to be slightly disappointed?

This is what I think happened. He didn’t want to have no gift so just grabbed something. Can he return the perfume and you order the shoes online? Just be honest

I genuinely didn’t know couples buy anniversary gifts for each other.

I’m not married but have parents / aunts and uncles / friends who have been together for decades.

OP - YANBU. Buy yourself the shoes.

We do the traditional ones although last year we were about to buy a house so didn’t buy each other anything

Well it isn’t great but atleast you got a gift! 😂 My DH usually does get a gift but totally forgot this year. He was suitably apologetic and we had a takeaway to celebrate. Bit of a pain to go out on a school night. He also told me to go ahead and get myself something so I bought myself a back pack I had been eyeing from Michael Kors. So it was fine overall. If he generally puts in the effort then don’t stress about the one off when they mess up!

She asked for trainers, so she is not being precious about old-fashioned lists!

Not sure where you are based but that is an expensive perfume in UK even with the discount so a pretty decent gift as long as you like perfume. My mum only like chanel so I somehow associate it with an older woman, but it smells great. Not a bad present in my eyes, not great if they buy the same thing annually!

Same, we’ll do a card, maybe go for dinner. Married decades - it’s not that important in the grand scheme of things for us to receive a present.

We don’t do gifts either. We will go out and DH will get me flowers and we do cards, with nice things written to each other which I cherish.

I also think he remembered you buying the perfume so his brain linked it to something you would like.
If this was dh he would have bought the shoes in plenty of time, if they were out of stock he would have waited to see if he could get them anywhere else and if not told me. He would probably order the shoes and give them to me once they were an available and buy me another gift to give me on the day.
I once asked for trainers for an anniversary gift so it’s not unusual.
So what if some people don’t do gifts, that’s not the point.
As an aside my mum once gave me the perfume she had asked me to buy her for Christmas. I don’t even like it!

Yeah and me - a card and flowers were enough. 👍

Id be disappointed too but I wouldnt say anything. If you really want something buy it for yourself. Sending him pictures of what you want is not going to be a surprise is it? He clearly didnt do it on purpose but he got you something he thought youd like. Its you that needs to change your mindset or youre going to be forever disappointed and it will eat into you. What did you give him? Perhaps next year just go out somewhere nice as a family. You will remember those anniversaries more than a pair of running shoes. Youre hardly going to look back in 10 years and say oh darling do you remember our anniversary when you bouggt me those running shoes?

If my DH told me he found choosing gifts stressful and then still didn’t buy what I asked him to then we’d just be buying our own gifts. I also wouldn’t be buying his family members gifts, he can’t even be bothered to buy his own mother a gift. He’s just lazy and selfish!

We don't really give each other anniversary gifts either, although one year I did give him a daughter!! I went into labour on our anniversary, so instead of going for our planned meal, I ate a slice of toast on a maternity ward.

Ever since then, our focus has been on celebrating her birthdays. We give each other a card and go for a meal either a few days before or after our daughter's special day.

I joke to my husband that he would never be able to match or beat the present I gave him when i delivered a daughter. She is our best anniversary present.

OP, there is no right or wrong when it comes to anniversaries. Couples should celebrate however they wish. It is nice he got you perfume. If you still want a new pair of trainers, can you not order them? It's nice to treat yourself sometimes. Happy anniversary

Why not just buy the shoes yourself?

I’d be disappointed too. It’s quite weird that he bought you the same perfume you bought your mum, which ke knows.

Shoes are not really anniversary gifts and he did get a perfume you liked enough to give to someone else. Maybe ask for shoes for your birthday.

I do get the general gift giving thing though. I'd rather not get anything or get some money than something I don't want that is just going to clutter the place up. My mum always gives me money and suggests a household item I could buy with it ( Her ISA matured this year so the money was more than usual- she suggested I buy a new dishwasher-I bought myself a bean to cup coffee machine)

I get it, OP.

We've actually stopped gift giving and card buying. I love sourcing and finding well thought out gifts. I love writing a personalised note in cards. My DH is the opposite. I find them pointless if you're just writing to/from, in them.
After a few years of being disappointed, I've reluctantly accepted we're just different. He's great in all the ways that you'd want from a DH. So, again, reluctantly 😅, so I focus on that.

There have been too many times that he's asked me what I want for birthdays/Christmas. I've gave him weeks in advance notice of a particular thing, telling him to get it asap because it will likely sell out. By the time he waits last minute to get it, it's sold out.

For father's day, he waited until last minute to buy his dad a card, wouldn't go to a nice card shop so went to B&M. His dad ended up with a child's style Fathers Day card. But in his mind, he's done his obligation. I've told him I never want anything out of obligation and a shit, last minute thing just because it's 'the thing to do'. I see now that he's not that way out so I've made my peace with it. Reluctantly 👀🤣

I'd be disappointed too OP.

I guess the question is, did he go to purchase the shoes two weeks ago, or did he wait until the day before your anniversary to go to the shops? Men shopping last minute eg Christmas Eve is so low effort.

Even if they were sold out, he could have gotten you a gift voucher for that store, to choose a replacement yourself, or ordered them online and let you know they were on the way. How on earth does he cope at work when things don't go to plan, if he can't even sort a very straightforward gift request?!

You said yourself he’s not a great gift giver. Shame he couldn’t get the trainers you asked for though. But he did get you something! My DH is exactly like this; too much choice of what to buy, feels completely overwhelmed, doesn’t ‘get’ the whole gift giving thing anyway as if we generally want something we just get it, also remembers things like a perfume I wore in 1985 so he’ll get that even though it now smells awful on my aging body and gives me headaches 😅Your DH sounds the same tbh. He tried. Some men are just wired differently!

Don't gratefully accept it, that's absolutely crap. Get a refund and buy the shoes you want (which you can probably find in 2 minutes on Google if the shop genuinely doesn't have them / can't order them in for you).

It's not the gift, it's the effort. If he'd bought you a perfume he'd spent some bloody time selecting and had done so with a bit of thought then yeah suck it up and slap it on. He clearly hasn't so get it returned.

Spot on!

I think running shoes is a really weird anniversary present!

we tend to do a card and something silly for anniversaries . Like when it was our paper anniversary, I bought a notebook and DH bought me cinema tickets. Might that be a better idea in future? And if I needed you running shoes, I would just go and buy the ones I wanted.

What did you get your husband for his anniversary present?

Sorry, just saw you bought him something nice.