To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

Fascinating. Are you 20 too?

Course you can. You can get a small one on the backseat of a tiny car. I've done it many times.

And you can definitely get an artificial one delivered which doesn't have to last just one year - you can use it in your new house.

You are very negative.

I'm not sure what's worse, excluding one child at home or tagging along with the other child for two months of his trip to Australia.

Your parents need to grow up.

Not anymore no.

Not that it's relevant as 20s (OP said 20s not 20) is an adult.

This. I bet the dc having a year away is horrified. A visit by the parents for 2 months of it

Well have you said to them aren't I family when they apparently say this?

You sound like you are moping around rather than using your voice. Can't you just mum, dad I know you are excited and it does sound great, but could you please stop saying family Christmas and say Christmas with your son. I am not going so am I not part of your family anymore?

Also you are being silly over a tree. An artificial tree doesn't have to cost £££ as you put. Get one from Tesco for £20. Job done.

I personally think it’s disgusting of them to do this to you. As a one off, they could treat you to flights and hotel and even pay for you to have an extra week off work. This could come out of your future inheritance. You are also paying a lot to your parents, when I lived at home to save for a deposit I didn’t pay that much rent. It’s a once in a lifetime trip. And yes, they are leaving you out.

I empathise with both you and your parents here, but it does sound like their chat and language around the trip is hurtful!

Have you expressed this to them?

That said, they are having you live with them (rent free?) so you can save every penny to buy a house in your 20s. That is a pretty privileged position to be in tbh and your choice how you allocate your money.

You are in your 20s - see it as a chance to make your own fun plans and asset your independence!

I understand the “family Christmas” reference has upset you, but gently - you are reading too much into it. A family Christmas means one with people in your family. Sometimes my brother and his wife/kids come to us, sometimes they go to his in-laws - whether they are there or not doesn’t affect if it’s a “family Christmas” if I am with my parents, and I would class a Christmas as a “family” one with my MIL there and not my parents. It doesn’t have to be your entire family - the difference here is that your family is so small that it feels that way.

You do have a choice here. You could use the money and annual leave and go. You don’t want to - and I agree, it’s probably not the best way to spend the money - but you have a choice, so don’t make out that you don’t. Not having a choice would mean having no savings and no A/L to take.

FWIW if one of my close friends were going to be alone at Christmas I’d have her over to mine in a heartbeat. Please don’t assume that your friends won’t, just because they’ve got families of their own.

And if that’s not an option - there are loads of opportunities to spend Christmas Day with other people. Volunteering at a food bank or homeless shelter is the obvious option, or you could treat yourself to a lovely meal at a nice restaurant, or (my preference), order some delicious treat food and champagne to eat and drink at home, plus lovely bath oils. Start the day with a luxurious bath, put on nice clean PJs, open your champagne, eat your lovely food, watch whatever you want on TV and have a really indulgent day. It’s one day, ultimately, and in ten years’ time this will seem much less significant.

I think you are wanting to feel sorry for yourself. Why does it have to be a sad cold house? Are they not letting you use the heating while away?

Anyway you know now so make plans. Parkruns are on xmas day morning, join for a walk or run. Ask your friends, I wouldn't mind one of my kids asking a friend over. Or just have the day pampering yourself, cook something special. Volunteer somewhere. There are options.

@Hadenough32 OP says she is working on Christmas Eve and also between Christmas and New Year’s Eve, so a trip to the other side of the work is pretty much impossible. And certainly not worth it.

'That said, they are having you live with them (rent free?) so you can save every penny to buy a house in your 20s'

I thought she was paying a whopping and grabby £600 a month or did I misread?

Yeah, I get that's what the problem is and I agree. I wouldn't have liked it done to me if my family were going on about a family whatever with my sister when I was younger*. I certainly wouldn't do it to one of my kids.

*I'm older now. I'm not bothered about being left out. My family are hard work. So is my MIL. I'm more bothered about my own kids now. Many of the people on here probably aren't bothered either, now that they are older and most have their own kids. I think that's why people are being a bit harsh.

Tbf @Ladybyrd the OP could be 29 for all we know, she hasn't stated her exact age.

I'm a little on the fence with this because while I agree that her parents are handling this all wrong, I do have my in-law's example to compare it with. One of DH's sisters is 50, single, has her own house, etc. My in-laws never spend Christmas with any of their other children (who live further away) because she's on her own. It's been like this for years and they've missed out on so many celebrations. This particular situation is extreme, but I don't think that the OP should expect her parents to "always" be with her at Christmas IYSWIM.

This!

I can see me being in a similar position. My youngest def wants to travel after uni. There's no way I'd go visit her at Christmas knowing my other child would be here alone. I'd want to make sure they were okay, plus it would the youngest choosing to go.

I imagine my youngest would be horrified if she was heading off for a year and DH and I joined her just a few months later and stayed for two months.

While your parents are entitled to do what they want, they seem to be very unthinking.

Can you start letting your friends know now what the plans are, I would always find a space for a friend at xmas in this situation.

Can you look at booking a holiday for yourself, perhaps the Canaries? You might find a friend would be keen to go with you.

If not, get an artificial tree, decorations up, lots of your fav food and snacks, a new book, nice bath stuff and totally treat yourself.

@BerryTwister she has said she could book annual leave but doesn't want to.

Surely if you have good friends one of them will invite you? It’s probably too early for most people to think about yet but I reckon at least one friend would be happy include you?

Urgh I can completely understand why you feel rubbish about this.

I had my first friends Christmas in my twenties because of a similar situation to this one and it was the best Christmas ever just eating party food and making cocktails, and watching Christmas-y films. If your friends are unable to do this with you, ask for a fake Christmas on the 26th or 27th and invite them to your free house. On the 25th just plan your perfect day or even go and volunteer somewhere!

I think you are being very tight with yourself. Saving for a house is all very well but the opportunity to splash out on a lovely artificial Christmas tree and choose lights and decorations that you love is very therapeutic! You can take the tree and decorations with you to your own home so it’s not a waste of money. I did this on my first Christmas alone and it brought me joy. It’s not a huge spend…£200 including decorations would get you something lovely. Consider it an investment ready for your independent future!

She’s just found out all this today. Maybe give her a chance to lick her wounds and feel sorry for herself for 24h before she adjusts? Oh and have a medal if you want it 🏅

Our garden centre does small ones that can easily fit in the back of my little micra if you really want to get a tree.
Personally I wouldn’t bother to get one and stick to some nice fairy lights that you can take with you when you move. There are some beautiful silver Christmas tree ones online

Yanbu about feeling sad about this, but presumably you have friends you can spend Christmas with?

You're in your 20s so yabu to expect your parents lives to revolve around you. My parents did that with my sister and decades later she still practically live with them and they never get to go anywhere wiyhoug her.

As for not being able to sort out a Christmas tree on your own. I'm sorry but you need to accept you're an adult and act accordingly OP.

Theoretically I could - I have 8 days.

so let’s say I somehow manage to get 22-24 off (not a guarantee because of staffing in the office), 29-30 off (again not a guarantee) and 4&5 off, that’s my 8 days used.

I’d need to be home by the 4th of January, because I’d need time to get over jet lag, get myself organised and prepared to go back to work, so I’d leave on the 3rd.

I’d fly on the 22nd, so not arrive until late on the 23rd/24th. I’d be jet lagged for Christmas, not really enjoy it, and by the time I’ve got used to it, it’s time to go home again.

notwithstanding the fact I’d not have any leave left for the final four months of the annual leave period, so if I had any doctors appointments/anything else come up, I’d have to either make the time up, or lose pay. It’s just not feasible when working full time.

If I was your mum I would have offered to pay for you. X
Our church asks if we know of anyone on their own at Christmas, and then that person is teamed up with an appropriate family, should they wish.
We always used to set an extra place just in case.
I know you want to be with your family, do hope it all gets resolved ♥️