To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

if this was one of your friends, you’d have them for Christmas, wouldn’t you? Swallow your pride and either ask to go to a pal, or think about trying to embrace a nice time on your own. You’re not wrong to feel sad, just as they’re not wrong to go, but Christmases like everything else changes over time x

I don't think you're BU. My parents moved to NZ when I was in my early 20s and it was the first time I didn't have family to spend Christmas with and didn't seem like they'd considered it and it made me sad. I also think, given how much your parents are spending on luxury flights, that they could've considered covering your plane ticket - I would do that for my DC if I could afford to especially if I thought a 'family Xmas' was important (are you sure they're not planning to surprise you given their weird 'family Xmas'' comments?). Anyway, I similarly wasn't sure about approaching friends about visiting as Xmas thinking they would all have their own plans but, it turns out, lots of people don't like the thought of someone being on their own for Christmas and when I mentioned it, I got loads of offers and actually had a lovely time with a friend and her family. I think you'll find when you chat to some friends about it, without even asking if you can crash, you will find you have loads of offers of company over Xmas and you'll probably end up having a different but great time.

Having read more of your posts OP your family don’t sound very nice. It might be better to be shot of them for a bit. How they’ve dealt with this is crass and insensitive and they sound grasping to be taking almost half your monthly salary in rent when they’ve got plenty of money. They sound like cunts to be honest

I wish people would have a bit more emotional intelligence to realise it’s not about the practicalities of the tree. When someone has been hurt and let down by the people who love them, small insignificant things like Christmas trees seem much bigger.

OP I think it’s mean of your parents no matter what your age. I don’t blame you at all for being upset or at paying your parents £600 in rent plus food.

I'm a little late to the party, but I just wanted to say that your friends being with their own families doesn't mean that they wouldn't love to have you there as well. My single friends still spend christmas with their parents, while I have a husband and kid. We would still welcome them with open arms and be more than happy to have any and all of our friends round for Christmas, if we wouldn't then we're not proper friends, friends are people you want to spend time with.

I don't think @justalittlesad is coming back to this thread. I think maybe some of this was a knee jerk reaction to the news. She posted the day that the parents decided to go away, and that they kept mentioning family Christmas (we have no idea exactly how many times this was even said). It may be that once they had told her and mentioned it (maybe a few times) no more has been said.

There is a lot of debate over what she could or couldn't do...the reality is she is an adult. The stuff about the tree was melodramatic, as is the idea she would be sitting cold in the dark. She says she went to uni so I assume she either lived alone or in a house share, so unless she relied on housemates for everything then I would hope she can work a light switch and central heating! She also is saving for her own home, so if she is really incapable of doing these basic tasks then that is more concerning and she should not be living independently.

Also a lot of people raging about how much rent the parents ask for. Again that is entirely up to them and even @justalittlesad has said this is lower than prices for renting in her area, so while it might seem excessive to most to her it still works out better. This is still her choice to make and her plan to save is her priority, else she could move out and be more detached from her parents if she truly wanted.

Hopefully she has now had time to sleep on it and can see a lot of her thoughts were irrational and that there are a lot of things she can do now moving forward.

The thing is, one chose to be alone. From experience, it's also infinitely easier to be travelling with lots of other solo travellers at Christmas (added bonus of it being nearly summer and party season where people are spending lots of time gathering outdoors) than it is to be alone at home where the culture is extremely insular at that time of year. Don't get me wrong, I think OP should be able to manage either way, I just don't blame her for being sad. If parents were concerned about choosing between one child or the other to not leave alone at Christmas, it's not an even set of circumstances to choose between. The fact is they're wanting the holiday, which is fine, but I don't think anyone gets to argue the case that the son would be as put out as the daughter for spending Christmas without the family.

She really isn't saving a tidy sum by living with her parents as they charge her rent at market rates for their area. She also buys her own food.

I presume that if they had been a bit more sensitive to their daughter's feelings by not raving about having an amazing 'family Christmas' in front OP, she wouldn't have been so upset.

It's also clear that her parents favour her brother as they charged him lower rent so he could save for his Australia trip but offered no such 'discount' for their younger child so that she can save to buy her own home.

The thing is we only get one side of a story on MN.
We don't know whether the parents supported her financially though uni (and maybe the brother didn't go) so this is there chance to even things out.
We also don't know whether they will make a contribution to the house fund. Maybe once she has saved a reasonable amount they will turn around and say they will add to it to ensure she has the deposit covered.

Just use some of your savings and go!

OP’s parents should pay for her to go first class, and standard themselves. That would solve the financial issue

But the OP feels she doesn’t have enough annual leave left, and that there is also the cost of accommodation to consider.

If I was OP and was worried about being alone at home while everyone else is having cosy Christmases, I would book a 4 or 5 day trip to the Canaries and just have a non-Christmas there.

What about a couple of festive dates from dating apps? You won't be the only one at a loose end around xmas.

Volunteering like others have said could be a plan too. I work in a day centre for the homeless and I know making the day even a little bit better for the most vulnerable and marginalised will make you feel better.

Im working this year so will be having my Yule on a different day. I move it most years because I have shared custody with one of my children living with the other parent plus two of my children being adults with their own lives. They make the effort for their youngest siblings but its rarely on the 25th Dec (or the 21st/22 nd for Yule) its usually the 24th or the 26th.

Or another idea that has popped into my head does any of your friends or family have a dog you like, that would keep you busier and give you cuddles?²

Op, if you’re still reading this I think you’ve been really unfairly given a hard time.

The issue is not that your parents are going away and you’ll be alone. It’s how they are talking about it (in front of you) and I think if they were honest most of the people giving you a hard time would be upset by this attitude too.

Your parents seem to favour your brother, and the way they are talking is confronting you unavoidably with that fact. You said you feel like a disappointment and that is awful. You said they just shrugged when you said you wouldn’t be able to go and that’s awful too.

I wonder if you could spare some of your money for therapy as it sounds like there is likely more to this family dynamic and this incident has just shone a light on it for you.

All that said, I would buy a small tree - one year when I lived somewhere too small
for a “proper” tree, I bought a little potted one and decorated it and I was surprised how much I enjoyed it! Little lights, tiny baubles - it was fun.

Treat Christmas this year as a time where you will show yourself the love your family don’t seem able to show you.

I feel for you, OP. I'm from a family where the boy was favoured, it didn't mean my parents didn't love me, just that his happiness came first.

I think next time your parents mention the 'family Christmas ', I'd point out that it's not a family Christmas, because you won't be there; you'll be on your own.

I also get it's not about the tree or the friends or any of those things. You're hurt your parents haven't considered you or your feelings. It's sucky behaviour.

He didn't chose to be alone. He chose to go to Australia, and she has chosen to stay at home. Now she is choosing to be alone, she could go with them or she could organise something else in the next 6 months until Christmas.

@justalittlesad, I hope you’re ok, you've not posted for a few days.
I’m with the posters who feel that these events indicate parental favouritism of your brother - please don’t feel that this makes you a disappointment, it’s an unhealthy family dynamic which, as PPs have said, you can find support for on the Stately Homes thread in Relationships.
If your parents are going away for 2 months, I imagine they are relying on you to house sit as insurance generally requires a house not to be left unoccupied for more than 30 days or so. Therefore reduced rent would be applicable.
If you say this, and they refuse, maybe it’s time for you to find a local flat/house share ( will be cheaper than solo renting) and make this the catalyst for you moving out and leaving them to it, ideally before they go. You are more than their cash cow, and it’s about time they realised this. Good luck

Edited because I managed to miss the quote! When I say "chose to be alone" I mean away from the family. He chose to go to Australia and be away from family for at least a bit.... I suppose it is indeed possible that he only organised the trip because his parents promised they would spend Christmas out there with him (maybe he also couldn't cope without them at Christmas) - it takes all sorts!

When I say "chose to be alone" I mean away from the family. He chose to go to Australia and be away from family for at least a bit.... I suppose it is indeed possible that he only organised the trip because his parents promised they would spend Christmas out there with him (maybe he also couldn't cope without them at Christmas) - it takes all sorts!

It's not really much of a choice though is it? Be alone at christmas or spend thousands to join her family and use up all her annual leave to be jetlagged for the majority of the time. Neither are good options, but the latter is a ridiculous option.
The brother chose to go to Australia, she didn't choose for him to go. His choice is the catalyst, not hers.
The parents are being selfish calling it a "family christmas" when they know OP can't go. That's what she's most upset about, which anyone would be when their immediate family isn't including them in the family!

Those aren't her only choices. Ask to join friends, organise a friend Christmas, volunteer, go on holiday etc. Or embrace Christmas alone.

You are acting like she has no agency. She has chosen to spend Christmas in her home town.

Yes, I do find that mean, but it seems like it was only for one day, for which part of it they thought she could join, so there may have been confusion.

And you're acting like she's not allowed to be upset at the situation. She's still young, isn't used to being alone at christmas and was struggling to come to terms with how her parents were treating her. I've posted earlier in the thread that friends would probably welcome her for christmas, but that doesn't make it easier for her to ask! Think back to how you'd have felt in your early 20s if this had happened to you, and you felt awkward asking things of other people, before you became a bitter old (I assume) woman.

No I'm not, I've said she can be upset, not that she needs anyone's permission.
I'm challenging all the commentators saying her parents should either pay for her to join them or stay at home. As she doesn't want to go (thinks it's not worth taking the leave) that's really implying her parents should stay at home to appease her.
I'm 31 and OP is in her 20s (so could even be 29). I remember how I felt in my 20s and I didn't feel entitled to my parents money, or entitled to force them to only spend time with me and not my siblings.
I've also asked others who think she's is entitled to those things when does it stop - which is apparently never.

OP when the time comes you’re gonna be too busy partying to care about a tree and Christmas dinner! You’re young - enjoy all the works dos, nights out with mates etc 🥂

Hi @justalittlesad

i think you are entitled to feel sad about this.
but there is some time to sort out a plan.

some of my single mum friends have struggled when their kids have gone to their exes at xmas and theyve been on their own.

They have joined friends or gone on breaks. One went to Iceland. Another volunteered in a shelter for homeless and others joined friends on the day.

please dont think there's only two choices. There is time to research more options and it could end up being exciting x