To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

Does he actually want your parents rocking up for two whole months, just 3 months after he’s arrived?

Most younger people would hate have very mixed feelings about that. Are they weirdly enmeshed?

I know it sounds odd, but change your mindset. I couldn't go to my families for Xmas one year and actually it was my fav christmas! I had the whole day to myself, not working, I read a book, had a 2hr bath with some posh smellies I treated myself to, watched Dr Who on telly and cooked myself a nice dinner.

Think of it as a 'me pamper day', rather than much else and you'll get through it just fine. Sorry your family are being unthinking.

What a nasty and patronising post.

You do realise the only family the OP is close to is her parents and brother? You expect her to plan a “different type of Christmas” whilst they’ll all be together after spending thousands on business class flights?

I’m assuming you’re not in your 20’s and have no idea what it’s like to try and save for a home on a low income?

I completely agree with all of this.

At some point in your life you will likely end up spending Christmas without your family around you. This is your time.

You do have choices. You can either spend the money and go with them or stay at home or with friends (if you have good friends the likelihood is they may invite you to spend Christmas Day with their family). There are lots of solo trips organised over Christmas too - walking holidays in the UK for people on their own etc.

My parents worked abroad for my 20s and I couldn’t take leave or afford to visit them at Christmas. I was fine. As you will be too. Look on this as an opportunity rather than a disaster.

I don’t blame you for being disappointed in the way they are talking about it as a ‘family Christmas’ but that would make me even more determined to do something positive, spend time with friends and move out at the earliest opportunity.

Honestly, there seems to be a pretty toxic family dynamic here where your brother is the 'golden child' and you are the 'scapegoat'.

They also sound like the sort of parents that massively favour your brother, helping him financially and in other ways but when they get old and frail, will expect you to drop everything to care for them.

I agree

Well it is a family Christmas. You aren't anymore important than your brother. What a great experience for them to have.

You sound a bit defeatist to be honest. Can't get a Christmas tree by yourself? Course you can! Cold house by yourself? Well turn the heating on.

Your in your 20s. You're not a teenager. You can do nice things that day for you and have your family Christmas meal when they get back. You're overthinking it. Lots of people don't have any family left and live alone.

I'm sorry you're feeling left out and rejected, and probably a bit uncared for. Christmas day by yourself can feel a bit daunting because it's made out to be this magical day where everyone is happy and with loved ones and having a fabulous time. In reality it's not and there's lots of people on their own or with people but having a shit time. It's just another day but with all this pressure placed on it.

You have a few different options that folk have already mentioned: volunteering, going to a friend's (don't be too quick to think they're all be happily with family, some may be dreading it as much as you) or doing exactly what you'd like for a day. Other things you could do is to go away yourself, maybe a Christmas Market or something, or somewhere cheap-ish and sunny. My other idea is to have an early Christmas Day/dinner with your parents before they go. Or have your friends round for a Christmas meal but on a different day.

I would definitely move out.

And then come october I would send invites to your Christmas party, add a quick line about how its your first Christmas alone so youre hoping to make it a memorable one. I bet you get some invites back to family meals without you even having to ask.

Gently, Christmas is just a a day or so so I don’t think it will be as bad as you think.
As an adult before my children arrived I quite happily spent it alone on occasion due to work commitments. I stocked up on a few treats, watched what I wanted to on TV etc
I used to make plans to see friends on Boxing Day morning, go for a nice walk or visit the beach.
I think the thing that has upset you the most is your parents still saying they will have a family Christmas despite your absence.
There is enough time to make plans if you want to, lots of places look for volunteers on Christmas Day, make plans with friends for Boxing Day morning and start to look at ways of increasing your circle.
Christmas is always chaos now we have children, so yours sounds as though it has the potential to be lovely if you have a think about what you can do.
My friend and her brother host a Christmas lunch in a community centre for people who don’t have anyone to spend the day with, the homeless shelter in the city centre ask for volunteers and a few animal shelters in the area also look for extra hands at this time of year.
Your parents have been a little tactless, probably because they are so excited for their trip, but you never know, it may be the start for your new traditions to be created.

I hope you have good friends who will invite you over when they hear. It's only June. I know I would if you were my friend.

I also meant to add that over the years we’ve had all sorts of people (single friends, travellers passing through; colleagues; DCs friends) join us for Christmas and/or Boxing Day.

all have been very welcomed and I’m quite certain that with lots of friends at least one or two of them have families who like a busy table at Christmas

that’s new information. So your brother is of a similar age and situation to you and they’ve explicitly stated that they think travel is better than saving for a mortgaged property? He’s not paying less rent because of other factors?

As a parent of adult DC who considers myself entitled to live my life, and for them to be independent of me; hell would freeze over before I'd spend £10k on a first class ticket to see one of them, if it meant leaving another alone at Christmas because they couldn't even afford economy.

I agree. As per my post above I think it’s an opportunity for reevaluate your relationship with your parents (especially give the “rent relief” they give to your brother but not you).

They can do as they please but being mean and thoughtless (which I think this is) whilst also treating you as a cash cow to fund luxury trip means I think they deserve a wake up call and you deserve better OP.

So yes, move out and start building a wider social network for yourself.

Lots of people don't have any family left and live alone

What a thing to say to OP. Totally unnecessary in this context if you’ve RTFT or even just the OP’s responses.

Guilt-trip bingo.

Adult DC living with parents due to cost of living/housing seems hard. But some don’t have the option.

My parents were/are loving and wonderful, but found young adult DC living at home for short stints really difficult. As did we! Small house, little privacy. Frequent conflict between everyone in the family. They had health, relationship, grief and work difficulties going on throughout our teens and twenties, and beyond. They were close to paying off their mortgage (different times) but were otherwise not well off due to loss of earnings and pension.

Luckily at that time rent in decent-ish shared places was much less relative to salaries than it is now so we could afford it.

Your not unreasonable to feel sad, it's completely understandable. You would be unreasonable to put your feelings on your parents, they have done their parenting, they now have freedom to do as they like. I've had friends over at Christmas, do you have friends you could spend time with at Christmas? There are community Christmas dinners in my area that people can either volunteer at or just have a meal with others .

It's true though isn't it. She seems to think she's the only one in the world by herself at Xmas which she absolutely isn't.

I think your parents are behaving very badly. I would talk to them about dropping the rent to match what your brother pays, as it appears you are paying more because of your gender and/or their favouritism - there is no way that 'travel' is viewed to be more important than 'house purchase' and I doubt you'd be getting cheaper rent if your and your brother's plans were reversed.

I would also let your friends know you will be alone at Christmas and hopefully pick up a good invite.

Ignore everyone saying how wonderful it is that these selfish, rich, early-retired (not elderly) people can go away and leave their daughter alone at Christmas when they could go and visit your brother any time. If they can afford to fly first class, they can afford to take you with them.

Excluding the deposit it was more than £600 for rent/bills/tax in a shared flat in an unpopular area of a northern city in England even back then, though. So if you’re down south you’re probably still financially better off living where you are.

I'm sure she knows that. Just because many people are alone at Xmas either by choice or circumstance doesn't mean OP can't be upset at the prospect of it for herself, especially in this specific situation - parents going abroad to spend it with sibling.

Absolutely hard agree.

It sounds as if they are very emeshed with your brother if they can’t have one Christmas without him. And that’s before we even get to the part about him paying a lower rent than you! I think you are bound to be hurt by this. There is a quote - when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I think your parents are being very clear about their priorities which is fine now you know you can focus on what matters to you and put yourself first in future decisions.