To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

So your parents announced this yesterday, in June, and you've already checked that every single friend has family plans for Christmas 2026?

Do they have a habit of lacking empathy when it comes to you? Is your brother their favourite? They sound extremely tactless to keep gloating about what a great time they will have with your brother when they know you will be completely on your own.

Might be time to get to know the up north aunts and uncles? If they’re in somewhere like York Christmas there could be fab! Are any of them single and/or childless? They might be especially glad to start building a connection with their niece.

Finding out you aren’t the favourite hurts, but that’s life, mate. Start saving up now and have yourself a different holiday.

That's a lot of money to charge their own daughter. Is their mortgage paid off? Does that include bills and food or do you have to pay them extra for those?

i understand how you feel, I’d be really hurt too. Would you consider getting a hospitality job over the Christmas period? You could earn extra money and be in convivial surroundings with a team and less time to think about how your Christmas usually is.

i understand how you feel, I’d be really hurt too. Would you consider getting a hospitality job over the Christmas period? You could earn extra money and be in convivial surroundings with a team and less time to think about how your Christmas usually is.

Has your brother also been living at home and paying £600 a month rent? That seems extortionate. I get you'd be paying a similar amount to live independently, but surely the point of being at home is that you're paying significantly less? I can't see how you can possibly be costing your parents that much, so they must be profiting off you. Is charging that much a subtle way to get you to leave?

In terms of the holiday, if you did want to go, would your work consider 'lending' you a week of next year's leave early? A 2 week visit would be more sensible in view of the distance, and have lower associated costs. Could you stay with your brother to save on accommodation?

I don't think you ABU about feeling sad and left out but I do think you ABU about saying that, after this was announced today, that you cannot ask a single friend who will all be with their family. It's coming over a bit poor me and martyrish. You haven't asked anyone and I'm sure someone will either be in the same boat or willing to have you for lunch.

Maybe think about why you feel so left out, do your parents have form for favouring your brother?

I voted YANBU because I can totally understand why you're upset. It's a shock and it sounds like they've been rather thoughtless and insensitive in how they've been discussing it.

That said, you've got plenty of time to make an alternative plan. It feels a bit like you're still a bit bamboozled by their announcement, but once you've had time to process I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something more appealing than 'sitting in a sad cold house alone' with no decorations (cos that sounds a bit like the teen in the news who said with no social media access she would just stare at a wall, and I'm sure that really you will be able to do better than that!). I know if any of my friends past or present was having Christmas alone they'd be very very welcome indeed at my family Christmas, no awkwardness at all. And we have in the past hosted people who had no other plans. Or you can just get some lovely food and spend the day relaxing at home. Or go to a hotel for the Christmas break, or volunteer, or a fabulous restaurant, or... anything really. There are lots of options, I just think you're not yet ready to really think about them because you're a bit shocked.

I think though that really you know you are being a bit unreasonable, but that's OK, I think you need a little time to process, and I do think your parents could have been more thoughtful and considerate about the discussion.

Sorry posted twice

Most families would happily welcome a friend over....it's just a few extra spuds, after all.
You are being a bit wet, OP..... people are making lots of great suggestions, but you're being relentlessly negative. You're 24 - at your age, I did everything I could to avoid having to spend Christmas with the Olds! You have your whole life ahead of you to enjoy, so grab it with both hands, rather than bleating about a cold house (and if a Christmas tree really bothers you, just buy one and have it delivered!).

While I understand your sadness You do need to accept that they are entitled to live their own lives now you are adults.

Sometimes it just seems unfair.
My whole family went off to Australia for 5 weeks and left me and son behind because, in their words “even if we paid your air fairs, we don’t think we could tolerate ‘son’ that long”
(son autistic, me single parent at the time).
objectively they had taken me on many holidays as a kid and two with son and they just wanted a hassle free trip. With son there it would have all had to revolve around his needs. I get that as I wouldn’t choose it with non family (but I might tolerate it for only grandchild. )
i wasn’t overly fussed at the time as i knew it would be hard spending that much time with them.
they are reaping the rewards of their pick and choose attitude towards their disabled grandson as I see them as little as I can get away with (talk with my mum - she’s fine but utterly subsumed in drama triangle).

let them get on with it. This is your chance to plan something different. Lots of people don’t see family at Xmas.

You could always volunteer at somewhere like Crisis on Xmas Day. That will certainly take you out of yourself and enable you to appreciate the really lucky parts of your life.

It’s very sad for you. I don’t think that should stop them going though. You could do a Xmas in England too before they go - a day off work, Xmas day and games etc.

That’s exactly what I was thinking.

How are her parents subsidising her if she is paying them £600 in rent which is the going rate for their area?

I don't know any parents who would charge their adult child rent at a market rate when they are saving to buy their own home.

Im the opposite to you, but over 20 years ive spent maybe 6/7 christmases away from my family. Either because of travelling /holiday/ escaping. I feel a little bad for my parents when i did go away over xmas time, but they never stopped me or made me feel bad. I enjoyed the christmases we had together.
Its nice for your parents to be able to travel for a few months and enjoy a different country for a few months. Maybe you could go somewhere else on holiday for a week if you dont want to be alone. Skiing in Europe, or group trip for 1 week to thailand or similar?
It does sojnd like they cohld have been a bit more sensitive with their comments, but i would use this time to enjoy freedom. Hey youll have the house to yourself for 2 months! Wow. A dream!!!!

I think this is a good suggestion re negotiating the necessary leave with work. Honestly if your brother is only going to be there a year I’d be tempted to take advantage of the one-off opportunity for an Australian Christmas. If your relationship with your parents is good, could you also ask whether they could give you money towards the flight for a Christmas present, could you pay less rent for a few months so you can afford to come, etc. It all depends a bit what your relationship with your parents is actually like, it’s hard to tell from your posts. But if you all get on then surely a family Christmas all together in Australia is the optimal outcome for everyone?

Yeah, that’s a shitty thing to say to you.

OP I don't think you are being U to be upset. While I can understand your parents wanting to see your brother, it is very thoughtless of them to leave you alone at Christmas and not to have even discussed it with you beforehand.

Of course inevitably on Mumsnet someone will come along and say you shouldn't have any feelings or aren't entitled to feel anything about it because your parents can do what they like. I see this in discussions re childcare, inheritance, spending more time with one set of GCs over the other etc as well.

It is the only relationship, that with your parents where you are expected to put up with all manner of bad behaviour, thoughtlessness, or downright meanness and soldier on with a smile and a thanks.

I know when I was in my 20s there wouldn't have been a ready bunch of friends who could take me in for Christmas or a Hallmark movie like volunteering I could just slot myself into. Friends had their own plans, lived in other cities/ towns or I was not close with their family. I loved my family Christmases in my 20s and would, like you, have been incredibly sad. Your parents can do whatever they like, but you will never forget it.

My post about subsidy was before OP said what she’s paying for rent/bills/tax

£600 seems a lot, but we don’t know her parents’ financial and personal situations, preferences about living with adult DC vs alone, or the market rate for alternative options in OP’s area.

Unless there’s other context, eg OP’s brother being favourite, I still think OP is U about her parents taking this trip and it being over Christmas.

I have a teenage daughter and honestly can't imagine behaving like this - as you say OP, it's not just the fact that they're going to Australia for 2 months but the fact that they're so excited and seemingly completely ignoring the fact you'll be left on your own seems insensitive at best. In their shoes I would have offered to pay for, or at least contribute to, flight costs for you.
I think your best option is to chat to some friends and I am sure you'll find that someone would be very happy to have an extra guest even though they're with their families.

Hi op maybe tell them it’s great that they can go to Australia for Christmas but can they stop saying family Christmas because it’s not really with you being home alone btw the rent seems really high is it a massive house? It must be about a third of your income. I think that is something I would be more miffed about tbh.

I think the fact they can afford a two month first class trip in Australia says a lot.

My brother has been paying less rent to save for this trip, because they think travel is more important than home ownership

Going somewhat against the grain here I feel it’s (more than) a bit shit.

He's not emigrating long term and they could choose to visit him at any period in the year he’s out there.

Framimg it as a family Christmas is bloody thoughtless and I think you have every right to be sad about that.

I wouldn’t do this to my adult children. I’d visit later in the year and I’d pay for my other child to come also.

I also think they are charging a hell of a lot in rent - no wonder they are talking about flying first class…

Personally I’d see this as a bit of a wake up call and an opportunity for a reset.

From what you’ve said you’re paying market rent anyway, so I’d move out asap and start forging a path to be more independent.

You might even be able to find a flat/house share and find out you are with people in a similar situation at Christmas and spend the day with them.

Otherwise I would tell your friends what’s happening. My DC’s friends are lovely and I’d have no problem with one of them spending Christmas with us (especially if the alternative was them being alone).