To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

I think your parents are being unfair, or at least insensitive.
They don’t owe you a holiday, but you are family, and I would have thought that they would have wanted to include you in a family Xmas.
Our son lives in Canada and we paid for daughter (in her 20s), to come with us to visit him (flights and accommodation).
We are not wealthy, but family to us is the four of us, and we were going to celebrate his special birthday.
It would not have been the same without her.
She had limited time off work, so we went for 10 days.
We may go again, on our own and stay longer, but for a first, it was lovely to have us all together.
We stayed in an Airbnb to make it a little more affordable.
She was very appreciative, and paid for a couple of lunches and cabs.
We are aware of her financial situation (she has a mortgage) and, while we don’t have to, we were delighted to treat her.
I think your parents are a bit tone deaf, and could have been more sensitive to your situation.
All this, you should be independent, is all very well, but if parents can afford it, I would have thought that they would have wanted to share.
It would have been nice if you could have gone for the first week, or so, of their stay, then flown back yourself.
I hope they rethink their decision.

Is it possible your brother might decide to stay in Australia?

Are they expecting you to be at home while they’re away - house sitting, any pets or plants in the household they’re relying on you to look after? Is the lack of rent reduction because they don’t actually want you to move out? Just thinking aloud. If you could somehow make your presence scarce , they might take you less for granted.

He does sound like the golden child. They might not even realise it.

It depends what you mean by afford though doesn’t it. I can “afford” lots of things but it doesn’t mean it’s a sensible use of my money. On her salary and extortionate rent it would take the OP a long time to save up that kind of money again and she will be stuck in her situation for longer. Surely the parents can see that.

You'll probably get a lot of people telling you you're an adult now and to deal with it but it seems pretty cruel.

My parents aren't the most thoughtful/generous and even they wouldn't do this at Christmas without offering to pay for me to join.

Ignore everyone saying negative comments towards you.

I’d be actually raging about this tbh. They blatantly treat you both differently. Also, what have they got to be ashamed of you for. You’re, buying a house they should be over the moon for you.

£600 is way to much to be charging you for rent as well, esp if they’re loaded.

As for referring to family Christmas, that’s scandalous.

It’s a bit thoughtless of them 😞
i suppose on the other hand this is your parents chance and time of life to travel a bit and see the world so they shouldn’t not go because you can’t afford it.

but still, I get where you’re coming from and it would be nice for them to think of you.

you could ask if they’d lend you the air fare and you pay jt back gradually.

or, if you stay back, if it was me I’d probably try and have a completely different type of Christmas like volunteering at a community lunch or something, rather than recreate what you’d normally do but on your own.

Yes, that goes for OPs parents' money too.

I think it is a bit thoughtless of your parents to be talking about the family Christmas so much knowing you are not going and I also appreciate that you would be sad being your first Christmas alone. However, I think you need to get into a better mindset about it and stop moaning about the tree. Artificial trees are not that much and you will have one ready to take with you when you move out. See it as an investment. You could also probably get a friend to help you get a live tree if you wanted to? They are not going to be having family plans every day in the weeks before Christmas. Get some lovely food in, plan on what movies/tv you are going to watch and do as many friend drinks get togethers as possible on the days around Christmas. It is just for one year.

wow, calling it a “family christmas” when leaving one behind willingly that’s not parenting. Yes you may be 20 but you never stop parenting, I couldn’t imagine leaving 1 child behind, yes OP has savings and a job, but they are paying rent and they’re saving for something massive, 5k towards a house deposit is huge! As a parent I’d be proud of what you’re doing and I’d either be paying for you or we wouldn’t be going, other sibling chose to move out there not you, it’ll be like a punishment for you, that’s absolutely not fair. No absolutely not. And if your parents were my friend I’d have told them that.

OK, then going isn't a possibility.

So plan for Christmas. You don't have to be cold and sad. Put the heating on.

You probably will be a bit sad, but at least be cosy and sad

I think you sound a bit entitled. Instead of being so defeated by the whole thing, think about
(1) Flying out and staying with your brother on the sofa rather than a hotel. It's Christmas. Chaos and close living is part of family Christmas.
(2) Ask your boss to work remotely for two weeks meaning you can be there for three weeks. I'd have no problems with any member of my team doing this.

If you do have to stay home, I would have no problems if a friend asked to join my family Christmas. It would be more the merrier at my parents. We've had a whole host of randoms over the years and my Mum has also cooked and plated up spare plates for people spending it alone who weren't comfortable coming over.

I think you should talk to your parents though.

You arent being unreasonable, but maybe a little selfish. Ive had a few Xmas's on my own for various reasons and loved them. They are not the same as the whole family Xmas but can be something to look forward to. You will do the facetime stuff remember they are 12 hours ahead though and in the middle of a heat wave probably. You can have a faux one before they leave? Then I make my day a fully cherishing and lovely day full of the things I love doing and food I love. Your parents are doing something really different, it wont feel like a proper Xmas to them but it will be fun. No matter what you do it wont feel the same but it can be ok.

I went to Australia for 8 days for a friend's wedding and it was absolutely fine. Cost me £1187 in flights (in January over Australia Day) plus £364.22 for a studio apartment in Sydney. Got an Oz SIM card, caught the bus everywhere using the app, paid for food, ate out in restaurants every night and did a few trips (wine tour, Sydney Harbour Bridge climb, Manly Beach, Blue Mountains). Nowhere near £4-£5k! Cost me max £3k all in.

Every year can’t be the same. You suck it up and make your own plans. This is your parents opportunity while they are in good health to go to Australia and have a wonderful time with your brother. I am sure if you mention you are on your own to your close friends someone will invite you over! Or you could just have a fab time by yourself. No idea why you are obsessing over 6 ft and 7ft trees?! Depending on when your folks are leaving they might source the tree and decorate before they leave. And if not just get a small artificial one, it is only you, so you don’t need a massive tree. Learn to adjust to circumstances and try to be resilient. Life is not always going to be exactly the same.

I get that you’re feeling hurt, but the tree thing is ridiculous. You could:

a) buy a smaller real tree
b) buy a potted real tree
c) buy a fake tree
d) ask friends round for a pre-Christmas tree putting up party
e) have Christmas early with your parents (including a bloody tree!)

Think of it as an opportunity; instead of taking time off, see if you can get some extra work that pays well for the Xmas period. I loved working in pubs at Xmas - everyone is happy and friendly, and they used to pay double/triple time.

I'm shocked. No wonder they can afford holidays. £600 for a bedroom, use of the kitchen and bathroom. That's a lot of money. Unless they're saving it for you.

I'd tell your friends. I'm sure their parents can add another place setting. I would if you were one of my kids friends.

@justalittlesad I'm sure something nice will turn up.

The tree has been mentioned a few times but I'm curious - How small is your car? Are we talking smart car or similar? I got a 6ft real tree in a swift and set it up on my own. I'm not quite 5ft5. It was a bargain (and surprisingly light weight). If your car is truly minute, why does the tree have to be 6 ft? Me and my mum went through a stage of getting a small tree when it was just the two of us. It was dead cute.

As for the costings, I'm slightly confused, if the flights are 1.5k how are you spending 3.5k on accommodation for a week? I understand you have to have a certain amount of money in the bank, you don't have to spend it? Surely your brother won't be staying in expensive hotels? What about hostels? You could still meet up with your folks even if you're not sleeping in the same place.

To be honest though, that's probably by the by as I also wouldn't want to go to Australia for a week. It's a long way to go for pretty much 4 days. 2 days travel at either side. I think the problem is that "technically" it's doable (which is no doubt why you've got a lot of push back) but it wouldn't be worth it as it wouldn't be enjoyable.

The situation does sound rough and like your parents are being thoughtless and playing favourites. Who knows though. You read a lot of posts on here of parents giving back rent when their child buys a house (because they were only trying to teach budgeting or were making themselves into a secret saving account or some other reason). You say they dropped your brothers rent. Maybe (if giving back was the plan) they will balance it out then and whatever went on his travels in rent deductions won't end up in a house deposit for him. At the end of the day though, the not having time off work is the biggest restricting factor so maybe they're simply not offering anything as they know you won't go for a week anyway.

So I reckon you have to just say to your parents that since you can't come, maybe they can make their plans with your brother without involving you in the conversation (I personally don't think that's too much to ask of them as some others seem to - you don't have to lay on a guilt trip!) .... and then set about making plans for your own Christmas. You've said more than once that friends are with their families, but that doesn't mean you can't mention you've found out that you're going to be on your own to them and see what they say... When I ended up on my own for Christmas, I initially thought about volunteering but decided it wasnt really for me. I ended up having a lazy morning and then drove to a friend's house in the afternoon so I didn't crash their whole Christmas day. They offered after I mentioned I was going to be on my own and I was very happy to take them up on it! Incidentally, when I was in a flat with my ex, we regularly had people round for Christmas dinner who couldn't make it home to their families due to work scheduling. Also, when I was travelling, I had several offers of places to spend Christmas from people I didn't even really know (and they all had families they were spending it with too). It actually irks me, the vibe that Christmas is some kind of sacred family time that mustn't be disturbed and everyone has to lock themselves into their own house and no one can visit outside the family. Doesn't seem to be what the spirit of Christmas should be all about. We sit around watching films of people being welcoming and then act like that particular kind of friendliness should just be reserved for the movies! The irony.

Anyway, I hope you get something sorted and end up having a good time! And I reckon you're not being unreasonable for being upset on finding this out. It's what you do with your options now that will decide whether you let that spoil Christmas or not. Best of luck. X

If your brother is the golden child don’t be surprised if he gets help with a house deposit further down the line. Is he younger?

I've been think8ng about this today trying to see it from your parents' perspective. I'm not saying they're right in their decision-making but maybe they want to help settle your brother in and be around for the first couple of months in case he doesn't settle. It could also be a reason to visit Australia - who wouldn't go for 2 months if they could afford it - it's their Summer at Christmas & it's bloody miserable here weatherwise. It's probably a once in a lifetime opportunity for them, assuming they're both fit & healthy, or maybe not - they've got a reason to go & that's your brother. I'm guessing he's younger than you & leaving home for the first time, he'll be on the other side of the world for 10 months after they get back - no family around - in that respect you have a better deal.

You did your leaving home to Uni a few years ago, assume it was 3 years? I can tell you that as a parent it's so hard emotionally when your first child leaves home (albeit temporarily) and would imagine it's equally as hard when the youngest moves abroad for a year. If both parents are retired - it's either time to celebrate their children reaching adulthood successfully and enjoying their freedom, or mourning the loss of their childen to adulthood and being miserable. Being a parent isn't easy by any means and thankfully yours have completed the parenting years with their health and retirement intact - sadly not everyone does.

You mentioned that grandparents are no longer around, your parents suffered their loss just like you did at the time but far worse I would imagine to adjust to as adults and parents. I think they want to enjoy their retirement years while they can because nothing in life is guaranteed.

I'll just leave you with my sad story and then you might see things a little differently. When I was your age I lost both my parents, I was 22 when my dad died aged 55, and I was 25 when my mum died aged 56 - neither reached retirement and I've had to live 30 years without them already. Cherish your parents & let them live a little, they've given you the best years of their lives.

Obviously I don't know the story of your family - leaving at Christmas is harsh for you but hopefully you can see the other side of parenting x

Look, as an immigrant myself, I'd say that sadly, this is what happens once a member of the family emigrates. Parents have to choose between being with one child, or the other. Personally, I make a big effort to travel and be with my mum and brothers for Christmas in my home country, but this means I have spent many Christmases away from my husband, who can't always travel due to work. I take my son with me, and my husband agrees since he knows it's very important for him to share Christmas with his grandmother.
What I mean is, once a member of the family is in a different country, there will be many Christmases when the family will not be together. Accepting this may make it all easier. Try to have a quiet, enjoyable day on your own, do something you enjoy - chocolates, a warm house with a movie marathon and your favourite book, a long walk in your favourite village, or something you really enjoy doing.

Yanbu. If theyre looking at first class etc, whike you wouldn't expect it, it suggests they could pay for you to come or at least help. Not saying they are obliged, neither are you. But I understand, it sends a message. Personally I've spent many Christmases working and not able to travel to family, abroad or in covid not allowed so totally alone. Most times we have had a mini Christmas in January

And ill say it again. Mn is wild. One moment you can't leave a 16 yo overnight snd can't charge an adult more than £50 a week or leave them out of a holiday, the next op is unreasonable for feeling sad her parents will leave her alone for Christmas knowing she has no other options lined up

The more I read, the more I'm sad for OP. Absolutely no need for the pile on.
Wonder if any of you spent Christmas alone