To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

It’s ok to be sad, but the good news is you have plenty of notice they haven’t sprung it on you last minute.
in the kindest way you need to buck up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Make a plan that you feel good about.
Why can’t you have a tree? Can a friend help you get it? Or buy a fake one. Maybe you could have a mini Xmas before your parents go where you all put up the tree together, have a special meal and swap gifts (or they give you gifts that you save until the day)

I understand not wanting to crash a friends family Xmas. Why don’t you do lots of activities in the lead up and then have a quiet day by yourself.

start planning a decadent menu that you can manage for yourself. Start buying non perishable treats now, so it’s not so expensive in December.

Actually op I’ve read more of your replies. They’ve told you TODAY they’re going. They’ve not been rubbing it in your face for weeks or months. Everyone is piling on you, just get off this thread now and get some fresh air and come back in a week or so when you’ve got some perspective.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. If it was just a case of money then I understand why you would feel like it was unfair as they could have maybe cut costs on their flights to include you. However, now you have updated and said you couldn't go anyway I don't think it's unreasonable of them to take the opportunity to go.

You are an adult and, while you still live at home, your parents shouldn't have to put their lives on hold and refuse amazing opportunities in order to keep you company. It's obviously understandable you would be upset again being along at Christmas but I don't think that can be a reason for them not to go.

She has said she couldn't go anyway due to work so it wouldn't matter if her parents helped her out financially.

Shouldn't have posted in AIBU, OP, people are absolutely vile.

It's really thoughtless and horrible of your parents to have broached this with no diplomacy or care that you'll be alone for Christmas. I'd be upset too and I think this would really make me reconsider my family relationships.

Of course you have a choice, but it is a lot of money, so I understand why you wouldn't want to go.

Take some time to feel sad, then have a think about your options and what you could do to have a really special Christmas. Luckily, there is still time to plan.

It's crossed my mind due to determination to be miserable and not take on any suggestions.

OP if you have no friends who'd add you to their family Christmas that says a lot. Time to adjust your attitude to life.

Stop focusing on home ownership and start living. Move out and get some interests. Join a running group or similar will save on gym fees. Your parents are charging you market rent and the life experience will be worth it to be independent. You can't afford Australia, you're right there and you'd need to go for 3 weeks.

Or: Tell your parents you're saving up for travel and get a cut on rent too. I'd go travelling actually. Life's too short.

A mini fake tree costs maybe £30 from home bargains. Get one as an investment in your independent future. Use your parents baubles if you must.

I'd make plans with friends. It might mean inviting yourself along. When I was your age I'd barely be at home I was always with mates. My ds is 15 and going the same way. I think you need to detach from your family a bit.

It's OK to be hurt but it's not going to change anything so wise up, make your own plans and take the hint from your parents to change your life.

I think you have to accept their plans are different this year. Wish them well and make an alternative plan.

Loads of options for those aline at Xmas. Volunteering, cosy Xmas alone, retreat, spending time with friends.

You could even work some shifts over Xmas (e.g pub hotel restaurant) to make some extra cash towards the house fund? Lots of opportunities as, of course, there are very few people wanting to work over Xmas. So much stuff you could do.

honestly, if I were you I’d take your 8 days and work most of it- cash in the bank. Combine with some catch ups with friends for a mince pie or 2.

Youre allowed to be disappointed OP, but you cannot expect family Xmas to be the same forever.

But it’s June. She has six months. She says she has ‘loads of friends’ but that they are all busy but she only found out hours before she posted about her parents.

Have all of those loads of friends really said to her that they can’t include her in their Christmas? In June and straight away.

It’s completely valid to feel sad about this, but you definitely have enough time to plan a lovely Christmas for yourself. Perhaps a mini break somewhere? See a lovely concert? Meet up with some friends - don’t feel like you’re crashing their Christmas if they invite you, no one wants people to feel alone at Christmas. Or just a completely indulgent 48 hours under the duvet with all your favourite foods. It’s not nice to feel like you don’t have a choice, but a normal family Christmas can be really tiring and comes with a lot of obligation. I couldn’t be with my family one year and gosh it was so restorative xx

Yes, she had clearly not spoken to all of her many friends in the several hours between her parents announcing they were going on holiday and posting here. But it’s pretty clear that the OP enjoys wallowing. She’s closed down every possible suggestion for how to have a good Christmas and is busy hand-wringing about the impossibility of having a Christmas tree during a Christmas six months in the future.

@BakedPotatoBeansCheeseColeslaw

right?! If parents can’t afford to take all their kids regardless of age then they simply should stay home and not go on holiday. It won’t kill them. It’s just one of the many sacrifices of being a parent 🤷‍♀️

That it will involve being away over Christmas doesn't make it different to other holidays.
That's just being disingenuous. Are you doing that deliberately?
I speak as someone who hates the whole Christmas fuss, doesn't have good family relationships and doesn't spend it with family. But Christmas IS different/important for a lot of people. Saying things like, 'It’ll be a family Christmas' and 'what a lovely way to spend Christmas' makes clear that they ARE going to Australia specifically as a Christmas thing, and saying these things knowing that the OP can't go is very cruel.

I think a lot of people on here are being mean, actually.

That’s not what’s happening though. It is only the OP being left out. And she is being left out at Christmas. The parents are choosing to take an absolute fortune from her a month which it now looks as though they are spending on a trip. As I said above, they could not charge her rent for a few months and then she could afford to go. They’re just being mean basically.

@BakedPotatoBeansCheeseColeslaw

yes, they shouldn’t be indulging themselves in first class travel while their poor child sits alone in a cold dark room at Christmas

@Cherrytree86 The OP could probably put the lights and heating on herself and also has the option to leave the room and indeed the house, being as she is an adult.

@Waitingfordoggo

shes only young she might not know how to work the central heating

Time she does then!

I’m sorry, but you’re being utterly ridiculous now. Unless you have a physical disability that would prevent it, why on earth can you not put up a 6ft tree by yourself? I’m a petite, short arse of a woman and have managed to put my own 7ft tree up each year - both real and artificial.

If you don’t feel you can manage, then get a smaller tree, or just continue to look for reasons to be negative and do nothing to make yourself feel better.

People who post to give advice really need to understand that no one owes it to you to follow your advice and make you feel good about giving it. The OP isn't harming anyone by wallowing, the options will still be there and Christmas trees, artificial or real will still be available in a variety of sizes.

She's in her 20's. It's a sad state of affairs when a grown woman cannot do a simple task like putting the heating on.

Well she’s got 6 months to practise!

I went on holiday without my kids when they were 17 and 19 (I know, how cruel. Posters will be relieved to know that we discussed it in advance and I went away with their full blessing) and they managed to operate the heating, cook their own meals, go shopping for groceries, lock the back door, use the dishwasher and even get themselves to and from work and college all by themselves!

I get that you’re feeling unhappy but there’s also a lot of feeling sorry for yourself and excuses.

Get a smaller live tree - doesn’t need to be 6 foot. Or get an artificial one that you can use in your new home (because you also won’t be able to put up a 6 foot tree solo then!). Ask on local freecycle type groups if anyone has an artificial tree going for free, or pickup cheap from a charity shop.

Assuming you work standard week days, by my calculations you can turn 7 days of leave into a 16 day window (19 Dec - 3 Jan). And having done it many many times, it is possible to go straight back to work without recovery time. Just accept you’ll be extra tired for a bit when you return.

I live away from family and have spent many Christmas afternoons/evenings being ‘adopted’ in by friends who are always happy to welcome me in if they know I’m on my own. I’m sure yours would do the same if they knew.

Ask a friend to join with them, i had a friend who had orphans xmas for others who had no one to help.
A charity xmas meal? To offer to help?.
I wouldnt get upset its bound to happen sometimes.
Minature tree...heat the house and have a treat..or something

As an adult, if I knew my parents were choosing worse flights and hotels so they could pay for me too I would refuse to go.

There's a lot to unpack here. I don't know if YABU or if your parents are.

What stands out is that you are paying them a lot in rent to live at home. When parents have plenty of money and their young adult is living at home and saving for a house deposit, they tend to charge them less than they would pay if they were renting a room in a house share. Your parents are charging you £600 per month and it sounds like you pay for your own food too. I'm trying to work out what your parents motivation might be?

How into your 20s are you? Do you think they actually would prefer you move out and rent and they are charging you a lot to try and nudge you that way? Are your property aspirations realistic if you are earning minimum wage? Do you have plans to earn more than minimum wage? Will you really be able to afford your own home and all the costs that go with? Do they perceive you to be living a too insular life and they are trying to encourage you to just get out there and do stuff with other people your age?

I can understand why you would feel upset OP. Of course, but I think it depends on whether you are 22 or 27 how unreasonable I think your parents are for leaving you home alone for Christmas. I couldn't do it to my DDs who are under 23 but I might feel differently if they were 26.