To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

That’s my theory, @PebbleDashAtOne.

Also, I am surprised at the number of people missing the point of the OP’s problem. It’s not about her spending Christmas on her own, it is the fact that her parents are going on about looking forward to their “family Christmas” with their son in Australia, in front of the OP, who they know is not going to be joining them. This, despite the fact that as their daughter, she is also presumably a member of the family, but she won’t be spending Christmas with them and they don’t appear to care about that at all. This has nothing to do with how much rent she pays, whether they should pay for her to join them, how much leave she has at Christmas, how she should spend Christmas on her own, and everything to do with the fact they are not including her as part of their family.

OP has 8 days annual leave left, that doesn't mean she can only go for 8 days. She actually said in a later post she can go on December 22nd and would want to fly home on January 3rd ready to go back to work on the 5th. So she could actually go for 12 days.

She also said she agreed originally until she saw how expensive flights were, so I don't think the annual leave is the issue really.

Celebrate Christmas with them and your brother before he leaves, then do some voluntary work during Christmas. I can't believe you do not have friends you can spend time with. We all have friends or should have, who we can rely on to step up when we feel lonely. I acknowledge your feelings are real, but it is time to grow up and to cut the apron strings. What will you do when you get your own house? It sounds to me like your parents are looking for a way to make you more independent.

If I were you, I would really spoil myself and have a “me” Christmas.

Book a nice hotel for a few nights. Preferably with a pool and sauna. Have long walks and films in the hotel bed. Have a few drinks on the local pub. Buy nice snacks for the room from M&S. Eat your Christmas dinner as room service.

I’d buy myself nice new pyjamas and take face masks and books.

Really indulge yourself.

I’m sorry they’ve been so thoughtless. They are probably just excited about the prospect of a different Christmas and not really thinking of all the implications.

Your parents don’t sound great OP. Hope you work out a Christmas plan - plenty of time to go.

This! I'm agog that

1. you're paying your parents market rate for rent whilst your brother was paying less
2. they're totally happy to leave you on your own for Christmas without even talking to you first.

I would absolutely never even consider this. I'd rather fly economy and at least offer to pay for the other child to come too than leave one child behind.

In fact, I had a similar situation when I was in my 20s, my parents paid for me to fly abroad with them to see my sibling and we had the celebration altogether.

Honestly I would think about moving out, and try building a more independent life.

It's 24 hours in the dead of winter. They sound awful Do your own thing.

Honestly I struggle to understand how this is a true representation of your life as there is such cognitive dissonance between the things you describe

On one hand you describe

• lovely close family
• laughs amd smiles and happy memories all round
• no fraught east-enders style family events it's all Brady bunch harmony...

On the other hand your parents are:

• charging market rent when they have no need for the money and thus doubling the time taken to save a deposit... (which i think is fucking disgraceful given you are gen Z... im a millennial and think gen z have been dealt an appalling hand as a generation...and your own parents want to twist the knife? Wtf????)
• not offering you even an economy flight despite being highly financially solvent
• keeping secrets... the fact you just found out about your DBs plans but in reality its likely been discussed at length and the only person its new news to is you...

These two "truths" dont lie well together.

I am not sure your family is as close and happy as you maintain...

Christmas day isnt an issue - get soke fancy party food and watch nice TV.

I'd also be looking to move put and lodge. I think your parents sound cold as ice and id never treat my kids that way.
No decent loving parent would behave like this...

Well you can't change your parents plans, so really this is about making the best of it. Plan some things around Christmas, so the time feels busier eg Christmas nights out with friends. Go see the latest Christmas movie. Accept you might feel a bit weepy on the actual day. So order yourself a nice extra gift. And new pjs. All your fav foods in etc. This time will pass.
Also if I was your brother, I might not want my parents joining me on my trip!
Will you be able to buy your own home next year?
I do think £600 rent, not including food, is quite steep.

Tell me you’ve never been to Australia without saying it 😀 the travelling takes 2 days one way and it’s a nightmare, that leaves her with 4 days there and will cost her £4-5k, yeah really worth it! Not! 🙄

I understand where your coming from, your parents are not being very understanding of your feelings, if I were them I would at least offer to help you with the cost so you could go along with them.

Some people seem to think you stop needing to parent when your children turn 18, or that just because you are an adult you shouldn’t need parents anymore. I’m 33, my brothers are 28 and 36. We ALL need our parents.

I don't need my parents to pay for me to go on holiday to Australia. And I don't need them to miss out on travel if I can't go with them.

Yes you’re justified in being upset! It’s weird that they would prefer to spend ££££££ flying first class than offer to bypass a couple of months rent for you to be able to join them
for family Xmas. Especially if they’ve been giving your bro discounts to afford his travel. I’d be miffed but no point hating announce to some friends you’d be up for friends Xmas and you’ll host at your parents and I’ll bet some will be glad to abandon their families to join you!

That’s not the problem, as I see things. @justalittlesad is going to be on her own, without her family for the first time at Christmas and her parents are so excited by the thought of the trip that they’ve not acknowledged what Christmas is going to be like this year for their daughter.

@justalittlesad i hope that you can plan a Christmas that you will enjoy

Sounds like your brother is the absolute golden child. I hope you stop feeling sad and start feeling angry OP! 'Family time' when 1/4 of the family isn't there is rude.

Yes I can see that would make her sad.

My comment was in reference to the people who think it's outrageous for her parents to go on holiday without paying for their adult daughter to join them.

She hasn't mentioned him dying, so I assume not.

I lived alone quite far from my family in my mid 20s (I’m early 30s now so not that long ago!) I used to get a real Christmas tree in my Nissan micra and put it up myself at 5’3. I worked on Christmas or Boxing Day waitressing so couldn’t go home. I used to have great Christmas days watching trashy Christmas TV and eating a huge cheeseboard.

I remember being in my early twenties, living in America. Christmas morning DH was working so I was on my own until about seven pm. I phoned my mum back in the uk to chat and say Merry Christmas. She cut me off halfway through a sentence and said she had to go as the ‘family’ had arrived (my brother, sister in law and niece). Then put the phone down. I was so lonely and so hurt - but also realised that she was excited to see them, especially my lovely little niece.
It was tough but I got on with it, only one year after all.
I think your situation is very hurtful - especially as he is only there for a year!

Especially because OP has posted that she pays rent and food.

If they didn't go to visit, would your brother be spending Christmas alone? (assuming he's not willing to come home for Christmas)

Its a no win for your parents if so, it means one child will spend Christmas alone no matter what they do.

Under those circumstances it does seem fairer for them to spend it with your brother, as he'll have less support over the whole Christmas period of long term friends, familiarity of where he is etc. You have to admit it is also a really interesting oppertunity to experience a southern hemisphere Christmas, in the summer! And this is the only year they can do it as he'll be home by the next Christmas.

It is neither your parents or brothers fault that you don't have the time off or disposable income to join them.

Sounds like the repeated referral of it as a family christmas is possibly out of guilt and trying to justify it to themselves, that they are spending it with family (just unfortunately not all of them) and its not just a jolly where they're abandoning the family sentiment Christmas has always held.

OP, apologies if I have missed this, but have you actually mentioned any of this to your parents?

I'm sorry how much?? Come live with me for half that, that is ridiculous. I take it he is the golden child?

I really feel for you but I also think you're being a bit unreasonable.

They won't be seeing DB for months in the run up to Xmas and also want to make the most of a big trip, which they are entitled to do.

In the nicest possible way, their plans aren't about you. I know that doesn't help but if you see it from their POV the trip is understandable.

I agree that saving to try to get away for a few days over Xmas would probably help. If you stay home you will be thinking about what you usually do with family.

You are perfectly within your rights to feel sad, OP.