To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

Yes exactly this - notwithstanding that the rent they are charging the OP is wildly unreasonable to begin with, they could offer not to charge rent from now until December such that she can pay for her ticket.

Honestly, why does it have to be 6ft? This sounds like a bonkers argument.

I went to Australia for 4 days . My Daughter was out there and I had an opportunity .thought if I miss this experience I probably won’t ever get to go. Do I regret it now ? No. Had an amazing time , ticked off seeing koalas etc on my bucket list . Yes , the jet lag was insane when I returned but it was an amazing experience, I will never forget and will never be able to do again. Sometimes you have to take an unknown leap because life is short .

@DressOrSkirt

if the parents can’t afford for all three of them to go then none of them should go. Or they stay home and pay for OP to go visit her brother (providing she feels ok about flying on her own of course)

Why though? Are members of a family never allowed to go on a holiday if they can't afford to pay for their whole family?

Do you take every family member when you go away?

Ask if you could have a family meal before they go or after they come back. Maybe ask if they can help put up a tree before they go.
Then i would plan a christmas on my own, with friends, neighbours or volunteering.

Some very weird comments OP...id feel exactly the same as you! And you definately cant go to Australia for 7 days...waste of 5k.

By the sounds of it your parents are very well off , and i think they sound quite mean not offering to help you fund this trip (annual leave issue aside) and charging you £600 a month. My parents were never well off and I lived at home until i was 23 - they never charged me a penny! Im now early 30s and own a house outright and support them in their retirement before everyone calls me a freeloader 😂

@DressOrSkirt

never. You never stop being a parent.

You are not unreasonable for feeling sad. I had a similar but different situation a few years ago in which I had to spend Christmas alone with my 1 year old baby. I also felt sad. However since my sadness wasn’t going to make things change, I made the best of the situation. I did go get myself a Christmas tree. It doesn’t need to be 6 foot. I got a real one for about £40 and I lugged it up two flights of stairs with the baby strapped to my back in a carrier because we lived in a flat with no lift at the time. We went to a hotel for Christmas Day itself so I didn’t have to cook. We watched Christmas movies and did colouring and crafts. It was restful and relaxing. I FaceTimed family on the day so I didn’t feel as lonely. Ultimately Christmas is just another day. You could also do a pretend Christmas the weekend before your parents go so that you still get to celebrate with them

Damned fine idea! Or cover her pay if she took some unpaid leave....

Maybe we are just soft though as some on this thread say otherwise 👀

Team parents on this. You’re a grown up and presumably they’ll be home for Christmas next year? Make the most of it and let them enjoy a fantastic break.

I've read all your posts on this thread but not the whole thread. I think your parents are really horrible and obviously favour your brother.

I have DS21 and DS23 living at home and I have virtually no income at the moment. They don't pay board. I absolutely couldn't imagine doing what your parents are doing if I was that wealthy. I could understand them charging you say £200 to cover any additional costs but they shouldn't be profiting. I also couldn't imagine being that insensitive and this is being minimised by a lot of people on here.

The problem is that they are the only family you have and you're very attached to them. So psychologically this is incredibly damaging. If you accept that they're not very nice people, you have to distance yourself and you obviously don't want to do that. Anyway, sorry this isn't much help but as you're being completely invalidated by almost everyone, I thought I'd give my opinion.

Feel like a lot of posters are being a bit harsh on the OP 😔

Can I ask why the house will be cold? Are they stopping access to amenities while away even though you pay rent?

Should my dm, who's in her late 70s and in a pension, be paying for me, an employed woman in her 40s, to go on holiday? I think that's silly.

Parents might want to continue to treat their dc as adults, but they definitely aren't obliged to do so every time.

Why don't you get away for a few days over Christmas? There's plenty of organised events and tours where solo travellers join together, each having their own room of course. It's a chance to do something different, meet new people, be more independent. Christmas breaks aren't cheap but it shouldn't cost anything like a trip to OZ. It could be a few days in a UK hotel somewhere nice or a short trip abroad. And there will probably be a nice tree already put up and decorated plus good food. Be bold, be positive.

When friends find out you will be alone at Christmas you will very likely have invitations extended to you. I’ve done Christmas alone, and plenty people invited me for Christmas dinner. Grateful as I was, I enjoyed peace and quiet, watching my favourite films and eating as much chocolate as I wanted.

I understand why you are hurt, but try to change your mindset to looking forward to having the house to yourself for weeks at a time when things are usually frantic. And there’s nothing to stop you from decorating and putting a tree up.

The problems with humanity and society are reflected through this very thread. It's so sad to see so many PP being so harsh to the OP, telling her to grow up etc. These posters are either trolls, deliberately being unkind or seriously lack emotional IQ!

OP, I'm sorry that your parents are behaving this way. I think most people would be upset, unless they are completely emotionally void! Sending love xx

Focus more on spending time with people in the lead up to Christmas if your friends will all be busy on the day itself. Get a couple of friends over and do the tree together and watch a Christmas film, go to a carol service with another friend, christmas market with another etc.
I had an unexpected Christmas alone 2021, it didn't feel like xmas at all but I was quite happy with a book and a bottle of wine! If I'd known in advance I'd have planned the perfect day of peace.

That all said, I do see their words were hurtful. I hope they were just thoughtless being caught up in excitement and they wont carry on like that up to departure.

No, but your definition of a parent is very different from mine. My parents taught me independence. I still expect things from them, like quality time and emotional support. But I do not expect them to pay for me to join them on holiday to Australia, or for them to stay at home from a trip of a lifetime if they can't/don't want to pay for me to join them.

While I understand that you are really upset about the way this has been presented to you and I think it is okay to perhaps tackle that with your parents after the initial announcement has been made (they are allowed to be pleased about this and it is really exciting), I wonder if with the level of rent they are charging and their pleasure at this trip, that they actually might feel that you still being at home is a bit much now and they are inadvertently that letting slip? I know that is really hard to hear, but it's not awful of them to have plans and expectations for themselves after caring for kids for 20+ years.

You are working, but the choice to save for a house deposit is yours, that means that you are being partially supported by them in order to do this, and you are also self-restricting what you are able to do. They are allowed a life without always considering or paying for you in every decision.

They have been a bit insentive about the practicalities and realities of Christmas abroad without you, but you are an adult and we all make decisions to suit our priorities and agendas (there is the possiblity that they believe in you more than you do yourself and think you will cope fine). Your choice, which they have acquiesed to (it is not a given), is to live at home (and this is an imposition to some degree) for a subsidised rent while you save for a house, theirs is to go to Australia for a couple on months. These are both valid, but they are choices and right now you don't like or respect their choice, but they are expected to like and just live with yours.

I adore my kids, but navigating their needs and wants as adults is a whole different parenting game when they live at home. I want to give them everything, but I also want to do what, I want guilt free, sometimes. I think this will be very hard for you to really understand till you are there yourself.

I’m shocked her to see that two-thirds of posters think the OP is being unreasonable. Yet it’s perfectly accepted that a young person decides to do Christmas without their parents, either because they’re travelling, or with a partner or possibly even with a partner and their own children. Op has been away to university for three years, how common is it when people go away to university they never return to their home town and don’t go home for Christmas, but that is acceptable .

The OP’s parents have two DC. One is going away to the other side of the world, is it too much that they should choose to spend Christmas with their son who they will now rarely see? Op is an adult. Shes not 14 years old. Honestly, normally I’m on the side of parents who show concern and want to help out their young adult DC and the MN consensus seems to be that as an adult they should stand on their own two feet. And the OP’s parents aren’t saying to her that as an adult she needs to move out and be responsible for herself. All they are doing is going away on an extended holiday. It just happens to be at Christmas time.

Is your brother, perchance, the golden child?

Things change @justalittlesad . You're a grown up, if things follow the usual pattern you will have many Christmases without your parents, because they will be dead. We all go through this.

Just try to have the best time you can, strike out for yourself, because you are not entitled to the Big Family Christmas you've always had, as an adult. Maybe as you think they favour your brother over you, maybe they don't, but it doesn't change the fact that you need to be the captain of your own life.

So in your opinion, parents should never ever go on holiday without taking an adult child, and if they can’t afford to pay for them and the adult child, they shouldn’t go but they have to pay so the adult child can go on holiday? Really @Cherrytree86 ?