To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

It's not unreasonable to feel really left out and hurt. But it is unreasonable to feel like that and not say anything about it. You do need to talk to them.

For the rest of it, though, you can get a 7ft Christmas tree into a Mini Cooper by yourself, and put it up by yourself. Ask me how I know. And places like B&Q deliver Christmas trees. Which you could have found out quite easily. So this sounds a bit like self-pity - also understandable if you're feeling very hurt, but it is a bit like wallowing, when from my understanding of your posts, it's only just been announced, and you've not yet had a proper conversation with your parents about it all.

OP you’ve been getting a right kicking on this thread and there’s no need.

You’re just sad because you love Christmas and the people you love to spend it with are doing something you can’t do because of lack of annual leave, and rubbing your nose in it thoughtlessly. You are not being unreasonable. I hope you manage to make plans for Christmas x

I think its really weird of them to basically gatecrash his year long trip by visiting for almost two months instead of staying here, waving him goodbye and looking forward to hearing tales of his trip when he gets back. Do they have a history of favouring him over you?

Id start making plans to be more independent of them in the future - make friends with other young singletons and make plans to spend Christmas with them. xx

But if she’s sad about being alone at Christmas and the rest of her family are getting together and can seeming afford to make it possible for her to be there with them, do you not think it’s unloving and selfish to not make it possible to be there?

Sounds like you're finding excuses deep down not to go but to be upset about it instead. It's a one off. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you're young, you do have family and wallowing does nothing for anyone. Big hugs, I get it probably doesn't feel nice in the short term xx

For goodness sake OP the more I read of your comments the more I see that you are deliberately choosing to see obstacles. Go to Asda and get a 4ft xmas tree for £25 if you insist you don’t want an artificial one.
turn the heating on (why would the house be cold?), buy a load of chocolate, get a Chinese takeaway and enjoy a lovely relaxing day of binge watching Xmas films and stuffing your face. You’re a grown up. Plenty of people younger than you spend Christmas alone in their own homes.
how old are you, seriously? Because you sound like you’re about 16

YADNBU
I couldn’t do that to my DD, or DS if it was the other way round.

If they can afford it, they should have paid for you to go imo.

Let’s face it, you pay a substantial amount in rent to them every month.

This isn't really ok. It isn't a family Christmas if there are important missing people. (Incidentally I wouldn't agree right now to joining them all by video call for hours over dinner as a substitute - take some time to think through what works for you)

It will work out ok in the end but you probably need a bit of time before you're going to be able to plan an alternative Christmas for yourself.

Something I've not seen mentioned is you could arrange your usual Christmas meal with them before they go / after they come back. There's nothing to say Christmas has to be celebrated on 25th Dec. They might want to decorate the house for Christmas before they go. You can fix the Christmas tree problem if you want. There are schools of thought that say Christmas decorations are ok till Candlemas at the beginning of February. There's also Burns Night at the end of January you could pinch for a celebration if you don't purloin US Thanksgiving at the end of November.

Have a think about what you'd prefer between Christmas at home, alone and visiting a friend and their family. Having guests at Christmas can help ease some family tension because people behave better with guests around so don't think your friends wouldn't necessarily want to see you at Christmas. I think you're more likely to be fending off well meaning offers if you tell people you're at home alone. If you're likely to be exhausted from work and not in the mood for interacting with people it's ok to stay at home and find enjoyable things to do.

If you're into exercise there are various Parkruns on Christmas Day. You might want to try a Church service, even if that's not a usual part of your family tradition - nobody would be rude enough to ask you about your faith.

A comedian - I think Sarah Millican, has organised a hashtag for the past few years on Twitter for people home alone at Christmas to connect with each other.

With the house free you could invite friends to you for eg. Boxing Day cheese and biscuits.

If you are interested in volunteering it's wise to make enquiries in the next few weeks.

You can ignore the day as much as possible - file your tax return or similar or travel to an area where there's a big Orthodox Jewish community which will have more open things.

@Messymummy1991 I think that was unnecessarily harsh to someone who is clearly feeling down about this and even sounds a bit depressed generally.

Seemingly her or her parents could afford it. She has decided she'd rather save that money for a house deposit, so to expect to take it from her parents so they have to have a more uncomfortable flight and shorter trip would be unloving in my opinion. (I don't think she does expect that though.)

I would be upset by the way they said they are to have a "Family Christmas " in Australia,when you will be at home by yourself.
I would probably address that, by saying you are very happy for them to be able to go, but that it has upset you ,them saying what they have said, as if you aren't family.
Then, I would change my mindset, and make plans.
I would write down all things that I enjoy about Christmas ,and make a plan.
Are there any hotels locally you could stay at? Or order a Christmas dinner from a caterer that might provide that service? So that you can still have a lovely Christmas dinner?
All your fave treats on Christmas Eve ,watching Christmas movies.
Why can't you get a Christmas tree?
Start buying yourself small gifts, wrap them up as you buy them ,and by Christmas time ,you will have lots of nice surprises.

You could buy an artificial tree from
Amazon, and enjoy choosing some pretty decorations for it. Then as others have said, plan a day of indulgence! Watch whatever you want, buy all ready made foods from M&S or similar, and think of it as a day of relaxation and regeneration instead of commiseration.

I do empathise with how your parents are speaking of it, though, as a wonderful family Christmas, which is what is making you feel rejected as well as sad. It is very insensitive and thoughtless of them. How are they with you, normally? Have they favoured your brother over you in the past, or been dismissive of your feelings before?

Either way, I think that the only way forward is acceptance and trying to make the day as good as possible for yourself.

How do you know that OP is getting free accommodation?That's quite an assumption.

You were very quick to unjustly accuse OP of being incredibly fortunate and pampered. In fact, her brother is the pampered child who was allowed to pay reduced rent so he could save up to go to Australia. There was no such discount for OP who is saving for a house deposit.

Well I’d be paying for my DD to come too or we wouldn’t go. If that’s a stretch for your DP they could get the air fair and ask you to pay for yourself over there. Your folks clearly want a lovely trip to Oz and don’t want to pay for you. Sorry they are so selfish.

No, they aren't subsidising her. She is paying them rent at market rates (£600 per month) and buys her own food.

I disagree, anyone who I their 20s can't fathom how they would get a Christmas tree alone is pampered.

I'm surprised so many people think this way. At what age are parents allowed to go to Australia without paying for their adult kids to come too?

OP i really do have sympathy for you and think it’s mean of them to leave you, but you’re staring to sound a bit “woe is me”. I’m 5’ 4 and manage to buy a real tree from the supermarket, get it home in my Citroen c1 and put it in the stand all by myself. Stop acting helpless. Be honest with your friends, tell them you’re alone and give them the opportunity to invite you. Yes it’s shit but you’re making it shitter by wallowing in it.

Then she should move out.
She has said it's cheaper because the rent is lower than elsewhere, she doesn't pay bills, and she knows the price won't go up.

Im sorry but saying you cant possibly get a christmas tree or put it all up all by your self is a bit pathetic. Why does it have to be massive real tree. Get one delivered, pay a man in a van to get one, ask a friend, put one up before your parents leave. Just get a tabletop fake one. Its only for one year. Im a single parent and I spent the Christmas before I gave birth on my own, no drinking, no family around. You make the most of it. Who can say whether one of your friends will be single at Christmas. You havd 6 months to sort out something to do, do something kind for someone else. Volunteer somewhere or book a hotel for the weekend....dont be such a victim.

Not sure why so many people are being so critical of the OP.

Her parents charge her DB lower rent than they charge her because... they want to enable him to save for travel?! Unless there's some huge missing backstory here, this sounds like ridiculous favouritism.

Nothing wrong with her parents enjoying their retirement and their money, no, but speaking personally, there is no way I would be charging my kids anything in the region of market price rent if I could afford first class travel anywhere, or multiple holidays a year. The only exception would be if I had come to see my kids as being huge pisstakers in some way (eg I'd let them live rent-free / low-rent but they weren't saving, or were ploughing most of the saved money into things I thought were ridiculous, or were treating me in a way I found rude and disrespectful to the point where I didn't want to share my home with them). I don't get the impression that this is the case with OP, although again of course there might be some big backstory missing.

And talking to your DD about a 'family Christmas' that you know she won't be able to attend, when your whole family consists of you, her and your son, does sound really, really harsh. Thoughtless at best; sending a strong message of her lack of importance at worst.

So yes, OP is surely justified in being sad and anything else she feels. (Well, we all feel whatever we feel whether it is justified according to someone else or not, so I always think these threads have a bit of a faulty premise). And for someone in her position to spend thousands of pounds to go out to Australia does not sound worth it, so just because there might technically be a solution doesn't mean it is a good one. Finally, even if she did chuck loads of her house savings at this holiday, it wouldn't take away the part of this sadness that comes from her parents' seeming thoughtlessness and exclusion of her.

Having spent some pretty important occasions, including Christmases, away from my family (with whom I'm very close), my advice would be not to try to make it something it's not. In your shoes I would accept that it won't be the sort of Christmas I love but would make my own little tradition somehow... volunteer somewhere on the day, or spend it having a movie marathon, or get a takeaway that is completely non-christmas themed, or plan a lovely walk by yourself, or go to the cinema if any near you are open (I know for example of some non-Christian families living in this country who go for a chinese and a film for Christmas). Something to take your mind off the loss and make it a lovely day just for you. If you really want to honour it more traditionally... well I've put lovely fairy lights and my favourite baubles on a house plant before and cuddled up near it on a pile of pillows and blankets, eating snacks and getting quietly tipsy alone. Not ashamed. I actually weirdly loved that christmas. I hope you find your own version.

As for the deeper hurt about family... that isn't so easily coped with or healed, perhaps.

Pretty diabolical of them I think to be honest you sound a lovely person. I'm sorry... how is your relationship with them normally? My mum and dad would never have done this I can't believe they haven't offered to pay for you it would make me wonder about all the other past "family"Christmases when they can jet off to see the other sibling who is only over there for a year or so

I feel you should point out that you feel very left out as you'll be alone at Christmas whilst they are all having a jolly old time with the family.

You don't begrudge them it, but it's a bit harsh to feel like they are rubbing it in that you will be all alone in the season of goodwill. Are they going to leave your xmas present for you in Nov or whenever it is they leave?!

They are probably carried away with excitement and haven't really thought through the practicalities for you alone.

I'm honestly surprised they haven't offered to help you fund coming along, my son is 25 (still student) and I wouldn't dream of leaving him out of something like that! I'm honestly more shocked though that your parents value travel over buying a place to live and he has paid less keep to stay there!!!

Can you get a few days leave ? It would be a trip of a lifetime? Can you stay with your Brother or find a hostel? Can’t see it will cost £5000 ? You have years left to save and buy a house . If you have savings , treat yourself. Or could you ask a friend to come over maybe for Christmas Eve or do something New Year’s Eve ? So you have something to look forward to?