To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

Maybe but she has already said to rent it would cost more so maybe the parents still think she is onto a good deal.
There is also the possibility they are saving this money for her. Or maybe they aren't as well off as she thinks and is unaware.

I can understand you being really sad about this, and it also sounds like your parents aren’t being particularly kind in the way they’re speaking about it- maybe that’s the bigger issue more than the fact you’re going to be having a solo Christmas. But they aren’t unreasonable to go on the trip, IMO.

On the upside, it sounds like it’ll be a one-off if your brother is only in Oz temporarily. I would do as others have said and plan a lovely day for yourself with all the food and treats you enjoy. You could get yourself a little Xmas tree if you want one, or save yourself the hassle if you don’t. But maybe it’s easy for me to say as I really enjoy solitude and am utterly bored of Xmas after enduring 48 of them 😂

OP has quite a shitty and immature attitude from her posts on here. Maybe that’s why her parents want to spend Christmas on the other side of the world from her. Just a thought.

This is one of the strangest threads I’ve ever read on here. If you’re this reliant on your parents to be able to enjoy Christmas in your twenties, hopefully it will provide an opportunity for you to experience life ‘not under their wing’ and catapult you into creating a fulfilling, independent, fun life of your own.

It’s just Christmas. Life happens everyday. They are still having a family Christmas, minus one member. Do you want them to preface it with this every time it’s talked about? Lighten up. It’s not a dig at you.

All of this morbid talk about having to spend it alone, well, they’re off to Aus so it’s entirely up to you how you spend it, if that’s spending it cold and miserable with no tree that’s your choice to make. Or do one of the many options people have listed on this thread.

What are you going to do if your parents get a taste for the sun and decide to retire overseas? Do you think that’s mean and they should stay so you have company?

Enjoy the free house for 2 months, sounds amazing.

I totally get how you feel. Being alone at that time of year makes it worse, I think.

It's okay to feel upset by this.

It seems pretty bad that your parents seem to be able to comfortably afford to travel there and they haven't offered to help you out with the cost. They just seem so thoughtless and it's a pretty unkind thing to do.

Parents aren't obliged to help their 20 something kids but I know my parents wouldn't have done that to me and I certainly wouldn't do that to my kids. Family sticks together.

I would remember this when my parents are old and lonely and I wouldn't feel obliged to have them over Christmas when that time comes. Your brother can always host them in that scenario. 😉

I also can’t believe how unsympathetic some of the comments are that are going so far to delve into your living situation when you only asked about a holiday. Please don’t take them to heart. If my parents did this to me in my early 20s I’d be mortified

As it is, my family (separated) have been on holiday at various times without me throughout my late 20s (which is a bit different as I’m older and was moved out and couldn’t physically go am not fit to fly). I was upset but as I’ve moved out and it wasn’t around any particular important holiday times I wasn’t like… gutted. But I would’ve been really upset to spend Christmas alone, especially when I was living with my mum in my early 20s, and if they all went away without me and started labelling it a family Christmas

You get that 'mortified' means 'dying of embarrassment', right?

@N0ChildrenYet Surely you must realise it’s incredibly normal- in fact probably standard- for families to holiday separately once children are in their late 20s? I’m surprised you were upset! I didn’t holiday regularly with my parents once I was early 20s. I still had occasional trips with them but those were the exception rather than the norm.

I’m on holiday right now and our 20 yo old is with us- this is the first trip we’ve had together in quite some time as nowadays she enjoys holidays with friends and her partner. I’m not saying it’s wrong for people in their 20s to holiday regularly with their parents but it’s certainly a bit unusual, I would have thought.

Sorry you are going to be on your own at Christmas OP. Try to do it differently, I’ve had many Christmases alone. Do not waste any of your savings on going just stay at home as a home is more important.

I don’t think your parents are treating you that well at all. the sooner you have enough to move out I would say the better. Your brother should not be paying less than you that’s really unfair.

Your parents are asking for too much rent imho. A quarter of your wage would be ample. For comparison my DC was paying a quarter of their wage but that included food as well and no travel costs. Otherwise it would have been a quarter after travel. Currently signed off sick sadly due to work related stress so I’m charging nothing at all, paying for all the food and have cleared their overdraft. As I want them to feel better as soon as they can. That’s what parents, or in my case mums, are for and do (mine never did).

as a side note when you have your own home and one year you don’t see them as you have other plans they can lump it after treating you like that.

if you need to have a good cry get it all out OP 💐

I can understand that you feel a bit sad about being alone at Christmas. But there are many things that you could do, from meeting up with friends, travelling yourself or volunteering at a local event.
The biggest silver lining, is that in the future, you don’t need to feel guilty about not being at their beck and call, when they want you to spend Christmas with THEM. They’ve given you permission to suit yourself, which might nit sound much to you right now, but give it a couple of years, when you have a partner/ family of your own, you’ll be very grateful that this happened.

Has it sunk in completely with them that you aren’t going.? Are they just over excited by the idea at the moment and not really thinking about the logistics or you? Or is your DB the golden child?

Sounds like you are pretty much paying market rent for a house share so if it is obvious your parents favour your DB then I would start looking to move out.

I think your parents going on about a ‘family’ Christmas if they know full well you can’t go and it’s finances/leave that is stopping you joining them rather than the fact you don’t want to go is rude.

My FIL continually talks about ‘all the grandchildren’ but actually means only the children from part of the family and doesn’t include ours in that (and ours are full blood so not a step issue) So will message DH that he has been to visit ‘all’ the grandchildren but he hasn’t seen our DC. It’s so rude. Very rarely see him now because of the different treatment

I have a 21 year old son and a 19 year old daughter and I can’t imagine purposefully leaving one of them alone at Christmas. I feel very sad for you. But as others have said try to make plans elsewhere if you can. Or just accept that this Christmas will be different and plan accordingly. Do they know how hurt you are? Has your brother not thought to mention it either?

So your salary goes mostly on savings?
Any reason you couldn’t fund yourself a return flight for a 2 week stay over Xmas and new year?

£600 pcm savings x 12 months each year is just £7200 towards a property.

Surely you wd need 10 years savings even to buy a modest house in the south East and by that time the properties may have increased in price?

I doubt it can be achieved to be honest. Like many young people.

You are an adult and your parents have given you plenty of notice. Most people I know don’t spend Christmas with their parents. I think I’ve only spent Christmas with mine twice since I turned 20 (I’m in my forties now).

Do you give your parents money each month to pay towards bills, food, etc? If you don’t, maybe they feel that you’ve received plenty from them financially and now it’s time to spend time with your brother if he hasn’t received as much from them.

I would recommend spending the day volunteering somewhere and keep yourself busy. Book things to do in the run up while they’re away and plan things to do afterwards.

I understand saving but you need to find time and money to have some fun too.

Say what now? I think 2 or 3 years should do the trick!

If £72K is a 5% deposit then that's a house worth well over a million. Not your usual first time purchase.

£72K for a deposit? I know the SE is expensive in places but I'm sure there are places that aren't quite that expensive?? If you don't plan and save for a goal then it will never be attained.

Yes, you absolutely are allowed to be saddened by this - but then you pick yourself up and make your own plans. There are plenty of charities who would love a hand on Christmas Day - make it completely different.

Ouch - the harsh realities of adult life. What an exciting adventure for your parents to be planning an extended trip to Australia. Please try to be happy for them.
At some time in most families the 'Christmas bubble' gets burst, as children grow into adults and move elsewhere, start relationships or have children, that changes the dynamics and considerations. The first one is always the toughest but as you have lots of advance notice, you've got lots of time to plan.
As others have said, there are many charity and church Christmas events that you could volunteer at - there's so much to be gained from helping the homeless, or those who would otherwise be alone. Your support would I'm sure be very welcome. You may also find there are friends or acquaintances who will also be alone, so you have an option of organising something with them - either lunch out or you host.
Take some time to get your head around a different Christmas, and once you've got by the initial disappointment, get your mind in a positive place so you can plan the best alternative Christmas.
I've had a few Christmases alone for various reasons, and it's actually been ok. And you get to choose what to watch - or not watch - on Christmas Day TV!!
I hope you find your peace and can own and enjoy a different type of Christmas.

The way that they are talking is disappointing and the fact they were charging him less rent so he could save to travel is quite telling. I can't imagine charging my kids differently unless maybe as a % of take home.

I think I'd try and consider putting a few plans on place. It's not ideal and I know you must feel really hurt, but it's in your power to make the best of it. Have a look at any charities that might want a volunteer for a few hours, mention your solo Christmas to your friends, plan some fancy food and a couple of films if you are alone for the day, maybe get a small potted tree to make things feel festive.

You might be surprised with your friends. Not everyone has a fun family Christmas, and even if they do, someone might be up for joining you in the eve. Or someone may invite you round for Christmas dinner. Or you could see if anyone fancies a boxing day walk. It can be a lot to spend that much time with family.

In my 20s I knew a few people that would get together as they would otherwise be alone and I used to join them in the evening sometimes (when my parents would inevitably have fallen asleep in front of a film).

Bet your brother was cursing them in his mind when they said they were visiting for two months of a year long trip. He was probably looking forward to living it up in the hostels with the other travellers.

OP spends £300 on her own food. As her parents are retired, I assume that their mortgage is paid off so they are actually making a profit from OP's £600 rent.

Her brother is obviously their favourate child as they reduced his rent so he could save to go to Australia but won't reduce OP's rent so that she can save up for a house deposit more quickly.

Have you actually told them you’re not going because up thread you said you said you would go, then realized you couldn’t afford it? Don’t try to make your parents feel guilty - start making your own plans. How about a stay in a hotel where you’ll be a part of the celebrations over a couple of days? Or once they know what’s happened your friends might invite you over. Don’t wallow in self- pity - look at a house share with people similar to you. Yes keep saving but maybe relax a bit or think about getting a job that pays more, move somewhere where housing is cheaper perhaps. I’m sure your parents aren’t deliberately trying to make you excluded - they’re probably just excited about the trip. They may also be planning to give you back some of your rent when you buy a house.

I don’t get why everyone’s telling the OP to grow up. If I was in my 20s, 40s or 60s the prospect of a Christmas spent alone whilst my family were all together on the other side of the world would be upsetting.
Just an idea OP, maybe you could treat yourself to a solo trip elsewhere if staying at home will be depressing and Oz is too expensive. Maybe some winter sun in Morocco or Tenerife?

I think that’s pretty bad of your parents . Your brother is only going in September , he will barely have settled. Surely they could have waited a year to give you a chance to save/plan. I have three grown children and would never leave one alone like they are doing over Christmas, on the plus side, in future you can plan all your festivities to suit yourself with no regard for them as they age . Try to plan a night out or two over the holiday and embrace a perfect day totally self centred on Christmas day