To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

My dh experienced similar when he lived at home. Parents announced months earlier that they were going away with BIL and SIL for Christmas, leaving him home alone. There was no way dh could afford to go and they all knew it, so he resigned himself to Christmas alone. Prior to that BIL and SIL had always gone to her parent's at Christmas and there was only dh and his parents together every Christmas day, so he was even more hurt getting "dumped" by them as they were well aware that he would be left home alone. However, he met me in the Autumn and my wonderful mum, on hearing he was going to be alone, invited him to join us for Christmas day, which he did and has done every Christmas day thereafter. To top it off, SIL decided she wanted to see her parents as usual on Christmas day, so her and BIL cancelled their plans to go away with his parents and it ended up just the two of them at home on Christmas day. They actually had the nerve to say they were quite hurt that dh chose to spend Christmas day with my family! Since then, we've never felt any obligation to spend Christmas day with them, as they were the ones who "changed the goalposts" in the first place, even though it didn't quite turn out as they expected. If I was you, I'd plan a lovely day alone, with all your favourite food and drink, watch a couple of films and treat yourself to a new book/magazine and just enjoy yourself. I certainly wouldn't sit in a cold house, I'd be whacking the heating on full blast if it's their gas bill. There might come a time in the future when you want to make other plans not including them on Christmas day and now you know you can go ahead without feeling guilty.

We sit down to dinner, then do presents, sit and watch doctor who and telly before bed.

I hate to break it to you OP but there is no Dr Who planned for this Christmas..

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c621ln7vx7qo

But that’s a good thing, right, as you won’t be missing out on watching it with your parents.

If your parents have the time (retired?) I can totally see why they’d want to do it. Who knows what’s round the corner health wise and this is an opportunity for them to travel.
its June so you’ve plenty of time to plan something else. I often went skiing with friends over Christmas during my early 20s. Get something arranged.

Can you not put up your parents decorations? Have a Christmas party before they go?

You could chill out on Christmas day with box sets and treats.

Don't use up your savings and well done for that. Buying a home does require sacrifices. It's just the one year.

My parents would never do that to me, they'd be paying for my flight or spending it at home with me. I'd be pissed off too!

Honestly, I can see why you are upset about them being tone deaf but you also come across as a bit of a martyr. There is no need for the house to be cold, you know how to put the heating on! And “apparently I’m not part of the family”- are you 13? Just have a frank conversation and tell them you’re hurt by their phrasing. It’s patently obvious they love you.

Why cant you get a christmas tree alone? Youre an adult. Its not like theyre leaving a 16 year old to have christmas alone

How exciting for your parents. This sounds a one off opportunity for them. At the end of the day it’s one day and one year. If you’d planned to spend bit between Christmas and New Year with them that’s a different matter but if sounds like you are working the whole period.

You’ve got 6 months to plan something. Join a friend, volunteer etc. I have a very small close family and we’ve always kindly been invited to others for Christmas Day.

OP seems to be long gone but I’ll reply in case she is still reading.

Your parents are not being very considerate of you, and that’s hurtful, YANBU to be sad.

The solution is to embrace the opportunity to do something different this Christmas.

You could volunteer for Crisis at Christmas or similar charity. You could volunteer in a care home and spend Christmas with other folk much lonelier than you.

You could ask a friend (eg. A school friend who’s family you know) if you could come along - I have hosted many random people at Christmas and always enjoyed the extra person round the table chatting and playing games. Equally I have spent christmasses with other families and never felt strange about it. Christmas is a charitable time!

Alternatively buy yourself some excellent M&S Christmas food and a couple of bottles of champagne, spend the day watching your favourite movies with a face pack on, sipping champers in a hot bubble bath with loud music, and enjoying the peace and quiet while you have the house to yourself!

Christmas is a fab time of year and I love it but a big issue for many people is the insistence that it must always remain the same. Embrace the change!

I can absolutely see where you’re coming from with this - yes, it’s a trip of a lifetime for them (although it sounds like they already do lots of trips and travel!!) but I think some sensitivity would be appreciated? And I think that’s all you’re really asking - I haven’t seen you once state they shouldn’t go. I don’t understand why everyone else is obsessed with the rent you’re paying or whether you can carry a 6 ft tree yourself or why can t you just drop 5k on a week to Aus. That’s a huge amount of money and a seriously long flight for essentially a few days there, som of which will be the public holidays so it’s not even like you’d get to enjoy Aus in the same way as you would in a normal week.
Clearly, it will be hurtful being on your own for Christmas, when you as a family normally have these lovely traditions. It probably would help, although I know it won’t fix it, to try to plan some lovely treats and nice things for the day so you can get cozy and enjoy yourself.
I wonder if the other issue is the clear disparity you are describing between your treatment by your parents and your brother? Differences in rent for the same (I’m assuming) sort of room, calling it a ‘family Christmas’ without you there and I think planning first class tickets, when actually they could ‘compromise’ on business class and include you? In some families it might be worth discussing this with them, but I suspect not in this case? But I do think it’s worth asking your parents for a little bit of sensitivity - maybe they could chat less about the trip while you’re there? I hope you start to feel a bit better about the situation soon!!

That does sound upsetting. Maybe you could volunteer to help with the Christmas Dinner for local homeless people, so that you're not alone? Also, express your disappointment to your parents

I can’t believe your parents would be happy to leave you alone on Christmas without a thought about how it would make you feel. I’d find that pretty unforgivable

I don’t know if this has been suggested, but is the brother even on board with this plan of theirs?

I mean he’s actively planned to spend a year away travelling. That means freedom, and that includes from the parents.

If I was planning to escape travel for a year I’d be a bit pissed off if my parents announced that they’d decided they were going to be spending some of that time with me.

Personally I think they’re out of line to think that they can just show up and be there because they say they can. He’s an adult, and they sound incredibly controlling, deciding that they’ll be spending Christmas with him, that the OP can just suck it up. I wonder if he’s getting away for a reason.

My daughter didn't want to celebrate Christmas with us one year. She decided to volunteer at Crisis in London. On her return home she said it was the best one she had ever had: Lots of chat, jokes, laughter, everyone mixing in and helping as much as they were able. Since then we have spoken to others who have volunteered and have said the same.

When your parents come back you can have a lovely dinner with presents with them. We don't necessarily have a big meal and presents on Christmas Day. Don't make your parents feel bad about leaving you, look forward to them returning. You can then tell them about your amazing different Christmas. Do something positive.

Why? OP is an adult (maybe young) who is responsible for her own happiness.

Eh? How do you think all single women cope? It’s me and my daughter. We manage to put up a bloody 6ft tree. I am 5’6 though so maybe those extra 3 inches make all the difference 🙄

Ouch. Adults still benefit from others looking out for them and considering their feelings.

@justalittlesad my parents lived in Australia for over ten years when I was in my twenties and me and my sister used to go over for Xmas, mostly for 5 or 6 days. It was tough with the jet lag but worth it for us to have Xmas all together.

its doable, you get some winter sun and a different experience of Xmas like seeing mall santas wearing shorts

I understand where you are coming from @justalittlesad . I would feel the same way too as I am very invested in the coziness and love of a family Christmas with my parents and siblings. I'd be really hurt that I was being abandoned especially if there was no attempt to include me and it was known I couldn't manage it financially.

Your only options are

see if you could make it work some how. You say quite definitely that you going isn't an option because of your annual leave situation. Are you sure about that? Is there something you could do? could you ask your parents to help you with the airfare? or use some savings? it would be a once in a life time thing probably and fun to be abroad for a one time thing.

talk to your parents and your brother about how you feel, explain it and see if they are persuadable so that your parents can go after Christmas (New Year say) or at another time. They don't have to go for Christmas. It won't be so bad for your brother because he'll have the excitement of a new country and new friends where as you will be all alone in the UK thinking of them together having fun. They can do that anytime they don't need to do it at Christmas. If you want to do this, go gently though because as you say they are adults and can do what they like. I wouldn't leave someone alone like that and I don't think my parents would but people are different.They may not know how upset and hurt you are.

suck it up. I'd still tell them how you feel but that you are going to suck it up and make your own plans for something fun.

I don't think you are BU at all. It would make me sad. I'd bear in mind thought that all the responses you get here will come with everyone's own projection. People who never had tight loving family Christmases will be aggressively saying you are crazy. People like me who did will project that too. You feel how you feel.

Or from another point of view, you live in their house at their expense to allow you to save to buy a house, and now you also want them to limit travel and seeing your sibling to accomodate you further.
Look it's fine to feel upset about being alone at Christmas, but it's unreasonable to expect, as an adult, everyone to prioritise you.

Did you read all the OP’s posts? I, like some others on this thread, feel that actually, the OP’s parents are profiting from her rental payments, particularly given that her brother has been paying less rent than her to allow him to save up to travel. And she is feeling upset because of the way her parents are treating her and calling their Christmas in Oz with only her brother, knowing full well she can’t go, a lovely “family” Christmas - as if the OP is not actually part of the family. THAT is what she is upset about, she’ll cope very well on her own once she’s got her head round the idea of a different kind of Christmas for herself.

It's sad that they can't see how upset you are that you are being excluded.

But make plans for a nice Christmas doing what YOU want to do at home.

Have a google for pop up Christmas trees. Really easy to put up, ready decorated and include lights. I am disabled and got one so I could put it up alone. Dh is a bit of a grinch & wouldn't bother if I didn't do it. 5-10 minutes to put up & take down. Easy.

Start putting money aside for your favourite food stuff or put onto a supermarket saver card to use for a Christmas shop. No putting up with sprouts because dad simply won't go without, or mum's lumpy gravy because that's the way she does it.
Get what you want. If it's a roast you love then plan one. If you want to just graze all day on nice buffet bits then do that. This year it's your choice.
Long soak in luxury bubbles Christmas morning because no one will be banging on the door because they want their turn. Have a pamper day. Treat yourself to some nice lotions, potions and perfume.

You can dress up nice or spend the day dancing round the living room in your pyjamas

Nice velvetiser hot chocolate & waffles with strawberries for breakfast? Blt bagel? The choice is yours. Plan & look forward to the luxury of peace & not having to consider anyone else.

And don't let parents impose stuff or volunteer you for anything whilst they are gone. No you will not be walking the dog for Mr Jones round the corner. No you will not be watering the plants while Mr & Mrs Smith are away. This is your holiday time to enjoy too.

I hope you end up having a lovely time & make it a Christmas you look back on & smile 🎄🎅💐

I’m so so sorry. I think they’re being really horrible tbh with you

Have you done any travel before? When you're in your twenties (I think you said you were 24?) jet lag really should be the least of your concerns. When you get there, you're full of adrenaline, have a coffee and get on with having a great time. When you get home, yeah, it takes a few days, but you pull up your socks, have an extra coffee and deal with it. You don't seem to be a neurosurgeon or a commercial pilot. I would imagine you can be tired but functional.

You sound very rigid, OP, on the house savings, jet lag, getting a tree vs not, etc. Why not take a jump and go have a great time? Australia is beautiful!

Adding that I'm also surprised you know now what your friends' holiday plans are. We've had many last minute Christmas, Christmas Eve and Boxing Day guests over the years. Do you not know anyone who's a the more the merrier type?

And just to add I bought my pop up tree 2 years ago for approx £35. So not horribly expensive.