To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

YANBU for feeling sad, but YWBBU (future continuous tense - have I just birthed a new acronym?) if you say anything. You can't get around your age - you're an adult, and your parents are at a point in their lives where they probably have fewer mobile, energetic days ahead of them than behind them - and believe me, this will be on their mind a lot. Let them go, with good grace (LTGWGG).

Not the point of the thread but they are taking the piss financially. £600 plus you buy your own food!! Brother pays less so that he can travel!!
No the wonder they can afford to travel a lot...
Move out OP - I'd rather pay lodgings. I'd sort this pretty damn quickly.
There really is no reason for you to have a miserable Christmas though. Different can be surprisingly good. Cook a lovely dinner (or get a takeaway). Plan Christmas films. Play Christmas music. Book yourself into the local panto. Find a Christmas Eve carol service. Have a stash of extravagant treats.
I'm sorry, but you are being silly about a tree/decorations. There's no reason, at all, why you can't make the house lovely for yourself, and plan lots of treats.
Lots of volunteering options if that's your bag.
There's lots of joy in making someone else's Christmas better.
However, you really can have a lovely time on your own, suiting yourself. You might never get another chance to do this.
Things change as you get older - but you can find ways to make the best of things.
Give yourself a day or two to feel sorry for yourself (they are bloody thoughtless) then start planning.

He's only gone for a year

Is that what they said, OP? Or have you taken what they said and flavoured it a little to justify your (understandable) feelings of self-pity?

You do need to grow up, I'm afraid. In fact, I'm not sure this post is genuine - surely any adult in their 20s wouldn't mind one Christmas being on their own?

I get feeling sad about it, and if I were your mother I’d try to find a way to take you too, at least for the actual day of Christmas and some time around it if not the entire time.

However…your brother is their child too. One of you is going to be alone on Christmas and maybe they really want to take a vacation and/or help him settle in to his new home.

When I was 20, my friend’s Mum and Dad moved to Dubai and she couldn’t go out to visit them because she had exams straight after so she came and joined my family Christmas. She had a great time. A couple of years later my brother’s Polish friend from work couldn’t afford to go home for Christmas so he joined us and our family and had a lovely time too. A few years after that, my sister’s best friend’s sister did exactly what your brother has done and moved to Australia and her parents went for Christmas, so she joined us. In fact, I think there were more of my family Christmases spent in my 20s with a house guest than without! Just because your friends have family to spend it with doesn’t mean you won’t be welcome. You never know, you might even surprise yourself and enjoy it. It’s a lovely thing to have someone else open up their family celebrations to you.

That's sounds really thoughtless op in sorry. Could you get a small tree, or get one with your parents before they go? Another option is a fake tree, although I know the tree isn't the main point.

I completely understand how you feel. I have a reputation in my family for hating Christmas, but the truth is I don’t hate Christmas at all. What I struggle with is what years of family experiences have made it represent.

When I was a teenager, my parents became long-term foster carers. While I understand why they did it, I often felt as though I stopped being a daughter and became more like a family friend. God forbid you complain you run this risk of being told your especially selfish and self-centred.

Over the years there were Christmases where foster children were included in holidays and trips while my own family and I were left behind - I’d say maybe 6 out of last ten years.

One year my parents went away with the foster family and didn’t even call us on Christmas Day because they were at sea. Consider all foster children are now adults ….

I don’t have any wider family outside of my in-laws, so those things hurt more than people probably realise.

Over time I’ve had to accept that because I’m independent and have built my own family, I’m often seen as not needing anyone. But being independent doesn’t mean you don’t want to feel included.

So when people say, “Just enjoy Christmas,” they often don’t understand that for some of us it comes with a lot of sadness and disappointment and frankly loneliness.

Sending you a hug. Being left behind while the rest of the family spends the holidays elsewhere is incredibly painful, and your feelings are completely understandable. I have found making my own plans keeping busy really helps - as does blocking social media photos of matching ‘Christmas PJ’ photos and hashtags

Thank you! I plan to copy your list, sounds great xx

I understand feeling sad about it, but honestly this sounds like the trip of a lifetime for them, particularly if your brother is only going to be in Aus for a year. This is exactly the type of thing everyone looks forward to their whole lives while working and raising kids etc. It’s one year. You’re in your 20s, you’re a grown woman. You will be okay and will have plenty more christmases to celebrate with them in future. I have tried putting myself in your shoes and yes I’d feel sad about being alone for one Xmas but overall I’d be so happy and excited for them. You’re not BU to be sad about it, but you would BU and honestly a bit selfish if you kicked up a fuss about it.

Hey, justalittlesad, I usually don’t post on here, I just read the posts instead and don’t comment (have done for about 15 years!), but I felt I really had to say something. I’ve noticed that Mumsnet is getting more and more arsey, and has done for several years. No idea why this is happening but it’s been getting worse. So I see lots of people trying to prove you wrong, suggest that you are over reacting, justifying the other side or pulling your lifestyle choices apart. This happens so often now on Mumsnet, I actually wonder if it’s causing some quite severe mental health problems in the population that read it. It actually nearly sent me into a downward spiral when I was trying and failing to breastfeed years ago, but that’s another story…

I actually find that using one of the AI systems to ask about problems is now more empathetic and understanding than real people on here.

Anyway, I totally understand where you’re coming from and I’d be very hurt by this too. It’s like your family have discarded your presence and told you you aren’t really part of their family. Their description of a family Christmas must really sting. Are they usually so much in favour of your brother rather than you? At best they are just not thinking and haven’t considered what this looks like to you.

Like you say, it doesn’t seem like you are going to be able to go with them. So I suggest your best bet is to feel justifiably sad for a while that this has happened, then come up with a plan to make the most of the situation. I’m going to suggest you do something but it might sound bonkers… give it a try. It’ll cost you a bit (let’s say £50-£100) but that’s a small price compared to an air fare to Australia.

Get a pen and paper. Try to image you are a friend and you yourself are another person. Think about some things that your ‘friend’ (you) would really like if they were feeling a bit sad and needed cheering up. A swim? A hot bath? An evening with a book, or an opportunity to sleep till 1pm? Whatever it is, write it down. Then get yourself over to a supermarket or discount store (something like B&M bargains or the like). Go around picking up lots of little bits and pieces that you fancy. Anything you like: a face mask, a new shampoo, a packet of your favourite noodles or a chocolate bar? Put it in your basket. Then buy some cheap tissue paper and one of their big bags. At home, roughly wrap all the items you have chosen and put them in the bag, then seal the bag and put it somewhere out of the way with the list. On your calendar, make a note around Christmas to ‘Open Bag’. By the time Christmas comes around, you will have forgotten half the things in the bag and it will be a little gift bag just for you… from you.

During Christmas, make sure you work through the list you wrote and tick off the nice things you wrote down as you do them. It’s bonkers but you will be putting yourself first, which is a very important thing to do.

i agree that volunteering could be good too. If there’s something you find that you could do, that would be positive.

i really hope this hasn’t knocked your confidence too much. You are doing a grand job with saving up, and I hope that you get your own place in the not too distant future and can enjoy your own little sanctuary.

Take care!

That’s the feeling I’m getting, obviously they’re not unreasonable to go away over Christmas so there’s a few sprinkles of embellishment to make them look bad too. But that’s obviously a guess and I’m probably just being ungenerous

TBF AI is an echo chamber that tells you what you want to hear. It’s not bad advice, as sometimes that’s nice, but be mindful when AI is telling you you’re right, it is programmed to do that

OP, you will have almost six months to get used to the idea. I've had to spend a few Christmases away from family for reasons that could not be helped. I got over it by planning a really good time for myself. All my favourite food and drinks, outings, Christmas Markets, Christmas films to rewatch etc. The day does pass quite quickly

Not RTFT but I think your friends' families might be delighted to have an extra at the table for Xmas or Boxing day. My sister has had an extra these past 2 Christmases as niece had friends from uni who live overseas & couldn't travel home. She said it was really great to have them.

We also have a big Boxing day with all of us, & have had various friends/ partners of whoever join in the general madness/ buffet/ silly games. If you don't put it out there & see if someone is up for that, you'll never know.

Why should the OP be more important to her parents than their son? Depending on the health etc they may feel there won't be another opportunity. The OP will have them for the rest of the year/years, it sounds like she's the uncaring one. if there has to be one, wanting to be the centre of the family.

Gosh you are sounding like a petulant brat given you’re saying your bro is only going for a year or so.
Thus your parents should take every opportunity to travel while they can, given the distance involved here. Life is short!

You should be happy for them instead you feel grievance.
And ……when you reference your £600 rent being comparable to local rates, you likely forget yours is inclusive of council tax / heat/ light/ water/ food/ home maintenance/ cleaning/ laundry etc etc.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel hurt by the way they expressed this OP. Perhaps their excitement and enthusiasm meant they did not stop to think about the impact on you.

I am Australian and have a sibling who is also UK based. I was not able to go back for Christmas every year due to job and similar Annual Leave issues. The shortest visit I made was 2 weeks and that was brutal jet lag wise. Sibling was able to go at Christmas due to job. My parents were always sad I couldn't be there. We Skyped regularly. I did do what other PP have suggested and went on a short adventure so that I was away. I understand this is difficult, if you want to save.
I also understand not wanting to intrude on others' Christmases - that said, growing up, we often had people over who were far from home/no family, and I think people are generous and welcoming.
I think just sit with the upset for a bit and try to express it to your parents, if you can but make some plans so you can say that you will be doing x, y or z.
I went to some fab places at Christmas with people who, for various reasons, wanted to avoid it. One year, I was invited to a friend and one year I spent it at home on my own.
I hope you can find a way to make this Christmas a bit special for yourself in spite of this

I get it. It’s the ‘family Christmas’ comment that’s the issue. Your bother is also not treated the same way as you with how much rent you pay.

Are there other things like that in the way your parents treat both of you differently too?

It’s very thoughtless of them to not consider you.

So your brother's only there for a year. Your parents want to go for Christmas in that year. You think they should stay at home with you, except you'll be at work most of the time. OK.

Reframe your thinking here, yes it is a shame that you won't do Christmas with your family, and Christmas will feel a little different this year, but don't write it off just yet.
Let's be honest here, even if you did go, even for part of the time you will be using valuable money from your deposit to do so.

Now
You are working xmas eve and are working in between xmas and new year anyway so it is just a couple of days.

I'm quite comfortable in my own space if I had xmas alone it would be pj's, pizza and binging a box set or super cheesy xmas movie!!
You could have a virtual xmas lunch with them all? I know that would depend on how the time difference works out.
Or maybe reach out to others in your local community that may also be spending Christmas alone? Even offer up some volunteering somewhere like a homeless shelter or residential home.

Of course get a tree! Even if it's a artificial one if you feel that it would be a little upsetting getting it alone.

You can still have a lovely time!

I'd feel hurt by this, too. I think all you can do is plan a nice Christmas by yourself or see if you can spend some time with friends. Maybe see it as a day to relax etc rather than thinking of it as Christmas. On the plus side, given that they haven't shown any concern for how you spend it this year then you shouldn't feel guilty for doing your own thing for Christmas in future if you want to.

Try to see it as an opportunity to mix things up a bit and do something completely different with the leave that you have.

Spend time planning what that might be - use your initiative!
You are young and should be flexible enough to take on board one Christmas which will not follow the usual routine with the usual people?

and here come the curmudgeons