To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

I can see your point but you should consider this a marker in the sand and accept this is your reality moving forward given your sibling has moved overseas.

At best you will get alternate Christmases with your parents so you have to change your mindset and build an independent life of your own.

They were unkind just shrugging their shoulders but what could they have done to make you feel better.
If I were your brother, I wouldn’t want them in Aus my first Christmas away because it’s difficult enough to settle without having to make accommodations for family within months of arriving. Been there/ done it.

But people who are aging have to take travel opportunities while they are physically able.

Strength and mobility reduce far too soon.

Be generous and happy for them to travel because they are losing your brother too and must be feeling sad.

There is also the view that maybe they feel the brother is more likely to be on his own at Christmas as he may not have met many people.

Maybe they think the OP will be fine as she is home where she can spend time with friends.

I haven’t read all the comments so apologies if this has already been said but I can’t believe your parents charge you £600 rent and then expect you to buy your own food on top!
I’m not saying you should live there for free or anything but it seems they’re making a profit from you.
My step daughter lives with us rent free and contributes nothing(she’s 22) and it drives me potty but I think £600 and buying your own food is taking the piss!
it really wouldn’t be much more at all to go into a house share depending what part of country.

Have you told them yet that you’re not going?
It’s an expensive trip when you’re trying to save for your own house so I get you don’t want to splash out.

You realise people have different opinions, doesn't have to be the same as yours.

Is your brother ok with them going for 2 months? Id be fuming 😅

It sounds like it’s time to branch out OP.

Your family isn’t quite the supportive unit you imagine it to be…

Yes that would sting for me too, the fact they want to spend Christmas with family while leaving you behind! I’d use this to push you even more to save to buy your own place. On the bright side you can get a table top tree and buy all your favourite treats for Christmas and watch whatever you want to. Don’t worry about it, it is only one day. At least you know where you stand with them. When they start needing help, you can ask them to outsource it without feeling bad.

I’d be really upset if my parents did this too. Are they the type of parents to help you out financially? If they’re looking at first class flights to Australia they could afford an economy for you! I just can’t imagine parents leaving one child behind but maybe I’m lucky that my parents wouldn’t dream of going without me at Christmas!

OP if you were my daughter, I'd be paying for you to come for Xmas. You don't have to spend weeks there. I'd do whatever I could to make it happen.

With 8 days off you could be off from 20th Dec (get a night fight on 19th) and go back to work on the 5th. Time to de-jetlag before Christmas and a decent trip. Would your parents reduce your rent to help cover the cost as they did for your brother perhaps? If not that would be very unfair. I wonder if your hurt at the 'family Christmas' comments is making you think of more problems than solutions. Might be better to reframe, join them and have an amazing time (if they can help you financially of course). Don't be your own worst enemy. But also - hugs - as those comments do sound thoughtless and hurtful x

OP isn’t going because she wants to retain her current job (many employers won’t allow many weeks unpaid leave) and save money for her goal - great, and like most people in their 20s.

I can understand your parents are being a bit insensitive, but they are probably excited about their trip. Life is very liberating once your children are no longer dependant.

But why haven't you replied to the several suggestions about volunteering? There are so many opportunities, so you don't have to be alone and you could be making Christmas special for vulnerable people.

I feel sad for you reading this thread. Would suggest saying to your parents I'm really excited for you that you're going but it feels hurtful when you keep saying it will be a family Christmas when I won't be there. I would say I really want to come but don't have enough time off work and can't justify the money when I'm saving to buy a house so that's decision made for me but I value family Christmas a lot so will of course be sad to miss it.

You could also say I'm saving to buy in Australia so please subsidise my rent! Hah! Not a serious suggestion but charging your brother less rent to save doesn't sound fair but is their choice. Would feel even less fair if they are for example, profiting off you living with them whilst knowing you are saving for a house. If £600 includes all your food and bills then living alone could cost that anyway, or more, but (don't know what rent is like in your area) in mine, that is above the going rate.

You can't control other people but you can focus on you. You're going to have a beautiful house one day that's all yours and this Christmas you get peace and to do whatever you want. If a house share is cheaper than your current situation, it may be worth considering that as a cheaper option whilst you save for a house.

This changes things for me. It’s one year, so it makes sense that they’d make the most of it too. If you could go, I’d have hoped they would have helped you pay for it (given you say that they’re looking at Business/First Class tickets, it sounds like they could have at least given you something towards costs as a Christmas present). But you say you can’t go anyway, so I think this is just one of those things and you are old enough to pull yourself together and make something of it. You could go somewhere for a short trip that will feel special at Christmas, or just ignore the fact that it’s Christmas at all and just spend the day doing something you really like but don’t always treat yourself to. I also think you’d be surprised at who would be more than happy to have you join them for Christmas once people know you’re by yourself - we’ve often had people join us when they’d be alone otherwise and I love it - that’s what Christmas should be about!

I would have to say something. They’re either treating your DB very favourably or they don’t realise they are doing it. Do they actually know that you won’t be with them or do they think you’ll go?

As for the money you’re paying them?! Where do they live such that this extortionate amount of money seems reasonable? You could surely rent a nice place of your own?

I wouldn't go without my daughter at Christmas, so we'd either pay for her to come or probably go after throughout January.

I do understand how hurtful it is op. When I was in my early 20's and at Uni my parents suddenly announced that they were no longer celebrating Christmas at all and were going to celebrate hanukka instead. No Christmas dinner, presents ( although they were never big on present giving ) etc. I asked if they weren't even going to have a Christmas dinner we could share and they said no just poached eggs on toast ! I honestly felt devastated because every previous Christmas had been normal. Fortunately I had just met my bf ( now dh ) and we celebrated together but had I not had him I would have found it very difficult.

I can see with sides here. Your feelings are valid and feeling upset about something you always look forward to, only to find out it isn't happening is sad so I can see how you feel like that. However, as an adult in your 20s, this is an excellent time to do whatever you fancy this year. Volunteering is definitely worth considering

Yes, that seems to be the crux of it, from everything you’ve written so far, @justalittlesad. Your parents seem to be excluding you from your family and counting only your brother for their “family” Christmas. I think that’s very hurtful of them. I don’t know why people are being so unkind to you on this thread, if I were in your position, I would feel exactly the same, as though I wasn’t part of the family at all. I haven’t read everyone’s comments, has anyone here mentioned the “Golden Child” syndrome to you? It is something I have come across on MN and it does seem to be a thing, where for whatever reason, one child is always hugely favoured by their parents over the other(s), to the detriment of the other(s), and the “scapegoat” child(ren) is/are completely disregarded except when they are required to do something for the parents that the Golden Child would never have to stoop to or put themselves out to do. I don’t know much more about it, but it does seem to me as if this is what is happening to you. You might find information and advice if you have a look at and post on the “but we took you to Stately Homes” threads on MN.
As others have said, you’ve got six months before Christmas to sort out your feelings and what you might be able to do on your own at Christmas. I’m sure you won’t have to spend it on your own if you don’t want to, hopefully one of your friends will ask you over once you tell them about your situation. I completely understand your unwillingness to forfeit your hard-saved money for a a very short time in Australia and agree it is completely unfeasible in your position. (I’m another mother who in the same circumstances, would have paid for you to come along - or at the very least, not gone on about having a wonderful family Christmas in front of you whilst knowing you weren’t going to be able to come.)

Book yourself a pub Christmas dinner or cook your own. I would love a day like this. Just plan a day of sheer indulgence.

I understand that until now you’ve had that family Christmas so it’s going to be a shock, but just as I’d say to your parents if you met someone and decided to spend Christmas was them instead, life moves on and you can’t expect them to plan their lives around you now your an adult. You will still be living with them and seeing them every day, your brothers going to be living on the other side of the world and they’re excited to visit him.

I understand why you’re feeling sad, but yes I think you’d be selfish for saying anything

Where we live you could get a large double room to cover all bills and rent for £600 (midlands). You would be no worse off and just live with the home owner. Cheaper than full housemates I think. I would check out Spare Room.

OP has implied she’s in the southeast, flatshare rent and bills will likely be much more than £600.

OP can I ask: what do you want your parents to do?
pay for your flights and accommodation?
stay home and let your brother be alone on the other side of the world?
pay for your brother to come home for Christmas?
Honestly it’s just another day.

Sounds impossible to buy then