To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

So your rent is £600 and you pay for your own food. If your parents' mortgage is paid off, they are actually making a profit from you.

They don't sound like very nice people. The clear favouritism towards your brother isn't surprising either.

I think your parents have been quite unkind in how they are phrasing this. It's fine for them to decide to spend 2 months in Australia with your brother but to shrug their shoulders at you and rub it in by mentioning their 'family Christmas', is thoughtless and not nice. Once you've had time to let this settle, have a look at what your options might be and plan a Christmas day that will keep you busy with other people. In my local area, a lady organises a Christmas Day lunch for people on their own so maybe you could find something similar to join/volunteer at. I suspect that your brother will regret having them come for so long once he's made friends and had better offers for Xmas Day than spending it with the parents he moved half way around the world from so you may have the last laugh!

I'd be upset, does your brother want them there, he might want to have a bbq with his new friends instead, either way one of you would be on your own. I'd not mention it, plan something nice to do, volunteering and you get a nice lunch, facetime them if you want to.

No I agree, that’s a lot of rent in those circumstances.

I’ll hold your hand as I say this… You need to grow up.

I appreciate the disappointment, but you’re just being difficult. I get that you can’t attend the celebration in Australia, it’s not feasible with your available leave. But… You don’t NEED a 6ft real tree. You say you can’t put it up by yourself but say you have loads of friends? You’re literally just coming up with any excuse to not be rational and push away suggestions made by PP’s.

My parents dropped dead, Christmas changed, that first Christmas was hard. But this is ONE Christmas, you still have your parents and your brother, it’s ONE year. You’re in your mid 20’s, not 16. It’s not unreasonable for them to expect you to be an adult and either go, or stay home.

Have you expressed this to them? I'm sure they'd be appalled if they realised that's how you feel! They're probably so excited at the prospect of a new experience that they don't realise how you're taking it.

As someone with dual UK/Aussie citizenship, I have a funny feeling they may come home somewhat deflated by the experience. Not that I want them to, obvs. But in case that helps you feel better!!! 😆

your parents are being massive arseshats over this.

if they can afford first class x 2 to Aus at Xmas, they can include you, so they should at least have the conversation.

maybe having a Xmas apart is okay but they should engage you in the discussion and appreciate your financial concerns.

I feel it could be a really good opportunity for personal development and exploring why you feel that way.

I guess in general you are someone with quite a family-focused mindset.

In the future, things will change. You may move away and have a family of your own, and be the ones not spending the holidays with your mum and dad. Your brother may move elsewhere, even abroad, and have his roots there. Your parents may choose to buy a holiday home abroad and live there 6 montsh a year. Anything could happen.

People are not tied to the place where they are from.

You can't control the actions and decisions of others, you can only control your own feelings and reaction, and how you frame it.

Don't let it ruin the next 6 months for you.

Find tools that will help you respond positively to this situation and they may well give you the skillset to deal with adversity in the future.

I feel sad for you that your parents haven’t said get 2 weeks leave at Christmas and come with us, we’ll pay.
I can’t imagine our similar family leaving a close relative alone at Christmas.

You are just wishing you had a little more consideration and empathy from them for how you feel. And that’s absolutely valid.

I have a family member who is on her own and I always let them know my plans if we can’t have her and check how she feels and what her plans are. I don’t change my plans but I check in with her. It’s basic compassion and you are their daughter. Your feelings of hurt that they didn’t think to broach it sensitively are absolutely valid.

Goodness me. £600! Ds pays me £350 which includes food 25 per cent council tax and electricity. Our gas is dead cheap. I do not have any mortgage or rent. I would never expect such a large amount to be paid to me.

You would be better off renting a double room in a home owners property as they are treating yoy just the same as that where you are an actual lodger.

They are ripping you off big time. I would never look to profit from my son!

You will never buy a house this way anyway and this is not your fault.

Why is your salary £1,400 a month - could you up your hours to full time?

I think they sound really unkind. To be honest, I would struggle to get past this. It’s the way they’ve done it - not “look, we realise this puts you in a really awkward position but we’re considering doing X”, but “we’re having family Christmas in Australia! Without you!”. Going forwards, I think I would match their energy - I wouldn’t bend over backwards for them after this. I certainly wouldn’t forget this.

Admittedly my DDads from a culture where you don't accept money from your children but I'm really shocked at £600. I'd understand taking some housekeeping money if things are tight or taking money to save for later if the person wasn't saving money.

If anything I'd be concerned that if you do try to move out they will try and sabotage as they won't want to lose the £600 a month. I've seen that happen myself.

Look into helping a charity put on Christmas for people who don't wish to have a Christmas meal by themselves..

Local churches or the Salvation Army or soup kitchens.

You have a lot to give if you love Christmas.

Face time with your family. It's not ideal but it is fair that your parents visit your brother if they wish.

Hopefully you will be able to sort out something in the 6 months before Christmas, volunteering, joining other single people, maybe even splashing out on a couple of hotel nights. In 2027 you'll probably have your parents with you, unless they decide to go again, and your brother will be alone, 12 000 miles away. Sadly it's what happens with the level of mobility we enjoy now.

You won't feel like this at the moment, but they have done you a favour.

You need to establish a more independent life away from them. Don't waste your young adulthood on saving and hanging round your parents.

Get a houseshare, work out what you want for your own life and go for it while you are young. They have liberated you.

How "in my 20s" are you? There's a huge difference between barely 20 and almost 30 for instance.
That being said, I'd have been upset as well, if my parents just announced that they were leaving me home alone over Christmas.
Have you actually talked to them about your feelings? Is there any way you could join the trip as well, if your parents helped fund it?

Of course though, as you still live at home, I'm guessing at minimal cost to you, perhaps this is your parents way of saying-without-saying that it's time you stood on your own two feet a bit more? That they're not willing to put any more precious retirement time on hold in order to support you? I've learnt from bitter experience that the years of healthy retirement can be quite short. My dad for instance, "retired" at 50, after getting 2 sets of inheritance, then dropped dead at 62. He got 12 years, when in reality, he should have still been working.
Not unreasonably, your parents want to live the high life, and gallivant a little, while they're healthy enough to do it.

It's all well and good saving every penny towards a house, but you also have to live a little, as well as accept that your parents may not want you around that much longer.

Some of the responses to OP have been horrendous.

Sorry you're in this position. You must be very disappointed and it has shone the light on other unfair treatment you've received from your parents.

Your parents should definitely pay for you to join (£600pm rent is ridiculous and trapping you to stay with them to fund their trips!).

Since you can't afford to go, perhaps renegotiate the rent for the next 6+ months so you can afford to leave - equal to what your brother was paying anyway, as they are overcharging you. A couple of rent free months while you look after their house (when they desert you) would be a nice Christmas present.

So sorry they are so selfish, insensitive and inconsiderate. I hope you can find something lovely to do at Christmas...trashing their house is tempting 🤷🏻‍♀️😂.

I can absolutely understand how you’re feeling and why. As a parent I can’t imagine doing the same. However, have you tried speaking to them about how it’s made you feel? Maybe they just aren’t aware at all and that makes it feel like they’re rubbing it in your face? I’m sure they aren’t meaning to, they are probably just excited.

as others have said, make plans either with friends or have people to you or volunteer or do something like that. Allow yourself to feel how you do then make a fun plan xx

I think your parents are being incredibly selfish and unkind. Why are your brother''s wishes more important than your feelings? If it were my child I would go after the Christmas break.

You say you're in your 20's, guessing from your posts, you're early 20's and unfortunately this is life.

Be happy for your brother, you're free to spend Christmas on your own and try to make it as special as possible.

Looking at everything negatively won't help matters.

I moved away from family at 19, had Christmases on my own and managed to get a tree delivered and put it up myself.

I missed my family on the day, but I also put on a lovely spread for myself and watched my favourite shows.

Don't dwell on the negatives, and hopefully you can visit another time.

In that case then I think they are probably just taking the opportunity to spend Christmas there whilst they can and they have the excuse to go as your brother is there. it’s a big trip and they probably feel like they won’t have the opportunity to do it again.

I do feel for you and the thought of Christmas alone is upsetting, but it doesn’t have to be. You can still make it nice, even alone. Or like others have said you could volunteer somewhere.

I know it’s a bit shitty, but at least you will be at work a lot of the time and not sat on your own for that long week inbetween Christmas and new year.

Came here to say this, so you just don’t save for a few months and go to Oz? Yolo! I saved whilst living at home and bought my first house aged 35 probs could have got it quicker but I did some travel and had some fun in my 20’s and have zero regrets! You don’t need to go business class and maybe if you go your parents will consider Airbnbs or something more cost effective for you all to share together. Maybe think about it x

Rather patronising.
I think it's fine and healthy to work through feelings of disappointment and sadness. Sure, if OP's back here in 3 months feeling the same, having taken no action to change her situation then I might agree with you.
OP says her brother only just announced his move recently so it's all very fresh.
Hopefully OP is reading and when she's feeling less raw will be able to take on some of the suggestions.