To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

You're not unreasonable at all. Do they still think you might be able to come too? If they know you won't be able to come, talking about a 'family Christmas' is very odd, especially when your family is small.

Agree make a plan to do something really positive so you sre not moping around

seeing other people who have it way worse will put your sadness into perspective

it sounds like your parents could be more sensitive with how they are talking about their holiday but really for you to resent them having this amazing holiday because you will be alone on Christmas Day is - with kindness - a bit much for a woman in her 20s.

You could have a brilliant time and great sense of community volunteering, just do something different and don’t try to replicate your normal Christmas - in my 20s I wouldn’t have bothered with a tree or decorations etc, honestly, it isnt such a big deal.

OP. I find it hard to believe that all your extended family and friends have plans set in stone for an event 6 months away.

Bizarre that your parents are excited about a family Christmas without you.

Anything could happen over the next few months, you could meet someone and want to spend Christmas with them (assuming that you haven’t got a partner as you haven’t mentioned). Your brother may even not like Australia and want to come home.

I’d volunteer somewhere Christmas Day. Might make you see a new side of Christmas. You’ll
meet new people, make new friends and have a completely different Christmas experience.

It's okay to feel sad. You have 6 months to come up with a plan for yourself. Wishing you the best.

I really feel for you!
Have your parents addressed the fact you will be on your own at all??
As a side note, we have known our daughters really good friends since Yr 7 or before. ,
There is no way we would see one of them be on their own over christmas

@justalittlesad I hope you are over the upset now and thinking what you could do to have a really fantastic Christmas. Could you plan a little party? You might be surprised how many of your friends want to get away from their family Christmas!

FWIW if my friend told me she was going to be alone on Christmas Day I would be offering her a seat at my Christmas dinner table.

I had a really bad fallout with my Mum one year and was going to spend Christmas alone and several of my friends offered for me to spend it with their families. I ended up staying at my flatmates parents house for several days and it was lovely. Not the usual Christmas but I still had a lovely time.

I feel for you OP. I totally get where you’re coming from. It will be really weird being home alone for Christmas, and there is no way in a million years I’d park myself on a friend’s family. I have plenty of friends but no way would I rock up on Christmas Day.

How is your day to day relationship with your parents? Do you get on? I can totally see why they want this trip but I’m surprised that if you have a close relationship with them, they haven’t come to some agreement. You mentioned they’re flying first class? Is that true? If so they must have plenty of money, like plenty. I flew to Australia in the last few years and thought fuck it, let’s go first class, but for my DH and I, flights one way were £11,000 each. So 22 grand for us to get there, not including return flights. We couldn’t justify it. If they’re doing that then I think they’re being a bit cruel, could you ask to lend the money and pay them back and take unpaid leave?

OR…reading between the lines, do you think they want a once in a lifetime trip on their own? I appreciate they’re seeing your brother. How old are you? I know you said in your 20s, but are you 21 or 29? There is a big difference and if you’re nearer 30, they may be trying to ease themselves away for the parent / child relationship. Maybe they don’t want to be subsiding kids still.

If you have a close relationship with them, I can’t believe they’ve just said ‘right we’re off to see your brother for Christmas, you sort yourself out’. Are you sure they’re not paying for you as well?

I think you need to chat to them and be really honest. Tell them how you feel you’re being excluded. This scenario seems at odds with the picture you paint of wholesome family christmases.

OP, I totally understand why you are sad but you’re in your mid 20s and it’s about time you left the nest. Your parents going to visit your brother at Christmas does leave you on your own and then talking about a family Christmas is thoughtless and a little unkind but maybe this is your wake up call to build your life out of the family home?

I appreciate you are saving to buy but what else is going on in your life? Friends? Partner? Hobbies and clubs? Volunteering?

A full life outside of parents and siblings won’t remove all sadness but it will fill some of the gaps they’ve left at Christmas - and help you become more independent.

You have two choices, be sad, miserable and hate that your parents are going away or, look at this as the moment to start building that full life where your immediate family don’t have such a key role to play.

It is hard but as someone who has had Christmas days alone when I was much younger, it will be what you make it. And only you have that power.

Why don’t you ask if anyone would like to book Christmas dinner out as you’ll be on your own and would like some company. You might find people might change their plans or even invite you over to their house and it’s stops the awkwardness of inviting yourself somewhere.

You are perfectly entitled to feel sad that your parents won't be around fof Christmas. They do seem to be tone deaf and insensitive in the way they are talking to you about their family Christmas and you woukd be entitled to explain how sad you are about it. However, everyone makes choices and you have decided to save your money to buy a house, which is a really sensible decision.
You now have to make plans for your Christmas, how, where and with whom do you spend it. Do your friends know you will be alone? You may find they will rally around. You can make plans for Christmas Eve, look at events that are on over the holiday period

Self pity is a poor companion.

This

@justalittlesad OP, I'm sorry you're getting such harsh and unfair response ls. This is mumsnet at its worse unfortunately.

In the real world, it is unfair and a little bit cruel for your family to leave you alone for Christmas. This would never happen in my family, no matter how old you are, for is Christmas is about being hospitable and family orientated. I would never leave a single family member alone for the day if I knew about it.

I'm assuming your brother is the golden child and has long been the favourite, I think for your own peace of mind you're going to have to accept that and find your own family/tribe. Perhaps therapy could help? In the meantime, I would start volunteering or go along to your local church. Find something or somewhere to go this Christmas so you can celebrate with others.

I would also focus on getting out of your parent's house asap and build an independent life away from them. Hope that helps a bit.

It’s not pleasant to feel sidelined but you could do something totally different this Christmas. Why not consider volunteering at a local care home, hospice, hospital, homeless shelter, animal shelter? You could start looking at this now, get yourself established and have the best Christmas ever by giving something back.

Totally fine and normal that you're disappointed, that you feel sad about it being a different Christmas than you're used to, etc. But you do also just need to... get over it? I don't mean that as meanly as it sounds, I just mean, that's life - you've made decisions that mean that this isn't possible for you, but it doesn't mean that they can't be excited about it or not do it. You're getting to live at home more cheaply than you would elsewhere (I know you say you pay 600 to live there and that's similar to local rents, but that's not including council tax, utilities, insurance, etc) so your parents clearly love you and want you to have an easier ride of things than other 20-somethings - I didn't have that option post-uni because my mum didn't want me at home. So you're really lucky, and you're clearly very dedicated to saving hard for something you want, which is good - I agree that going wouldn't be a sensible financial decision.

So you just have to square the fact that it's alright to be disappointed, sometimes. It's okay to feel a bit hurt that you won't be with them, it's okay to be sad that priorities and finances don't line up. But don't let it cause you to make this into something bigger than it is, and don't martyr yourself over it - ask friends if they've got room for one more instead of assuming everyone will be too busy, and if nobody does then order yourself a banging M&S Christmas dinner for one and some wine and enjoy the novelty of a cosy Christmas to yourself. Or find somewhere to volunteer on Christmas day (our local foodbank serves Christmas dinner, I know a local charity does visits to elderly people who are alone, etc), or take yourself away somewhere to a nice hotel (much cheaper than Australia but still a treat) or something. If you spend the next 6 months thinking it's the worst thing ever and letting resentment and sadness build up then yep, you will be absolutely miserable come December. So let yourself let it go now, and then you can make the most of it.

Hey, I live on my own and I tend to spend Christmas alone due to family issues. You absolutely can get a tree on your own. I like to book a short holiday to somewhere sunnier too, if you can manage it.

You are not unreasonable to be sad about it but you do sound a bit needy.

You are an adult, imagine you didn’t live at home but did have your own place, would you still feel the same? If so you have a problem.

Of course Christmas will be different but it doesn’t mean you can’t have a tree or do something. Maybe your parents don’t want to be trapped in the family Christmas they have been in for the last 20 years. Maybe they want to do something different?

Me & DH are the same age as your parents, DS in his mid twenties lives at home. I’m ok with that but sometimes I want my space to live my life, possibly your parents have a bit of that going on.

Maybe a sea side break,for a few days,cosey log cabin,walks on the beach.something completely different.a lot of places will provide a tree etc.im sorry,i feel for you.xxxx

Both my parents worked for the NHS so all celebrations were moveable feast, then I married an emergency services worker and moved to the other end of the country knew no one, our first Christmas we had together we celebrated on the 23rd then I volunteered Christmas and Boxing Day at a food kitchen, 36 years I still remember the wonderful 2 days seeing others relax and enjoy themselves.

I still volunteer now and it’s changed so much but this could be the beginning of something positive for you other than worrying how you can get a 6foot tree think what you can give back.
You do sound very selfish to me and need to look around the world we live in and count your blessings.

A lot of people in their 20's have left home. Of course your parents should go if they want to without worrying how you are going to manage Christmas on your own. You could volunteer at a homeless shelter or similar on 'Christmas day and then you will see there are folk a lot worse off than you and make you more grateful you've got a family and a home.

I agree. Friends won’t be offering invitations as yet as very few people have their Christmases planned. Especially young people.
I think as soon as friends realise OP will be on her own at least one will invite her.
I still think her parents are awful though. They should be paying for her to travel with them for this family Christmas.
Some people’s awful behaviour never ceases to amaze me.

Ouch. I felt that for you OP.

I think they have been pretty thoughtless, especially that ‘family Christmas’ comment.

I think saying that you feel hurt that they didn’t think of you is not selfish to say. You cant expect them to change their plans now you are an adult, but you should be able to expect some consideration. Rather than gleefully telling you, they could have said what they were thinking of doing and asked how you felt. Not to do something different but just to acknowledge the loss for you. And it is a loss - a loss of the family Christmas you have all always enjoyed.

And, life moves on and changes. That’s inevitable so once you have processed it (and you are absolutely fine to feel sad, hurt or even angry), look for the positives. Think about how you will make it good. May be it’s not about the tree etc this year. May be it’s about something different completely.

I once chose to have Christmas alone rather than travel to family. I cleaned my house before, got myself some of MY favourite foods and relished time in my own. What’s your ideal thing to do but you can’t because you share with your parents?

It does sound quite crap from your point of view.

I have done volunteering and can recommend it. You would also meet interesting staff and fellow volunteers.

If this is any comfort to you about 1 in 10 spend their Xmas alone.

Aww that’s really sh*t. I could never do that to my child. It might be up to them what they decide but I don’t know how they could go and leave you and not even offer to take you with them or pay half of your costs to get there. I’m really sorry they’ve done that. Sending you a hug xx