To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

🫪

If they don’t go and see their son, would you say they are favouring the daughter?

I think you have every right to feel disappointed. Spending Christmas on your own can be a daunting prospect, if it's the first time. You are in a position where you can't save and go to Australia (putting aside the lack of annual leave), so you have to choose which is more important to you.

I had the chance to go to America in my early 20's or buy my first car. I desperately wanted to go to America but I couldn't afford to do both. Yes, I could have chosen America but long-term it wasn't the sensible option. I opted to buy my car and forego the trip to America.

Saving is clearly the important option to you. So therefore you need to make peace with the fact your parents will be in Australia for Christmas. Ask friends if they will be with their families...you may be surprised, someone might be more than happy to spend Christmas with you or invite you for Christmas. If not, then figure out what you can do, instead.

Stop being a diva. You can get a fake tree on Gumtree for about a tenner. You sound like an entitled brat. Make the most of it. Would you prefer your brother be alone rather than you? Get over yourself. How on earth will you ever live alone if you can’t cope with your parents going away??? Do you have no friends?

I think your feelings of being sad are completely justified and I’d feel the same. HOWEVER you attitude about it and the suggestions people are giving you are very “cup half empty” and painful to read. You 100% could get a cheap artificial tree to make it feel Christmassy. You could 100% make plans with others or look to going away yourself somewhere cheaper. You just don’t want to. Which is fine it’s your money and your life. You either suck it up and get on with it or you continue to feel butthurt and play the martyr to t try and punish your parents for “leaving you home alone”. You have 6 months to arrange a nice solo Christmas or you mope and sulk for 6 months feeling all resentful.

To also add my parents are in their 60s and since they retired was healthy and travelling all the time. My mum recently developed a condition and now is unlikely going to be able to go abroad again/be insured so go your parents for travelling while they can.

You are allowed to feel sad, and I think you should tell your parents that every time they talk about a family Christmas it makes you feel like not part of the family. I'm not trying to squash down your valid feelings. Yes, it is sad to be alone at Christmas.

HOWEVER, apart from that I feel YABVU. Put on your big girl pants, rejoice with your parents in their big holiday, and organise yourself something to do. Arrange a Zoom call with them on one of the days.

A Christmas tree is not a life essential. Spend that money on fairy lights instead if you feel like it, and make yourself a magical grotto. (One of many ideas).

This is your big chance to volunteer somewhere and have a lovely Christmas yourself, making life better for others. Honestly, you can really enjoy doing this (speaking as someone who has spent many, many Christmasses doing just that). Or, if you can't face that, put on a happy face and go spend it with a friend.

If you really can't face any of the above, I want to know whether you have explored all the options. This includes asking work for leave in advance or unpaid leave, and asking your parents for a loan or contribution so that the cost minimises the effect on your savings.

And having said all that, I do appreciate that you've come on here to have a moan, which is totally one of the things MN is for, and you may be a very resourceful strong woman who has already had lots of positive ideas.

Are your parents assuming you're coming too at this point? They talk about a family Christmas, surely they can't be that tactless to say that, knowing you can't afford it. Are they planning to pay your airfare but haven't told you?

What you could do is plan a big family Christmas at home before your brother & parents depart. Have it exactly as you would on 25th, open presents, big meal etc then leave all the decorations up for all of Dec. Then you can have your time at home, watch films, treats etc knowing you've already 'done Christmas.'

Op you can pick an artificial tree up for £20 and decoration packs for £10. Are you able to pick some more hours up at work or increase your skills for something earning more?

I’ve had a fair Christmas and NYE by myself and while it’s always a little bit sad, it can also be surprisingly chill.

I have a coworker who spends most Christmases alone, she’s in her 30s and her parents always book a holiday on Christmas. It’s probably more common than it’s talked about.

I think you're being a little unfair and , tbh, a little immature about the whole thing. Your parents have had to make a choice over which of their children they are spending Christmas with, and they have chosen the one that's 1000's of miles away where he won't know anybody over the one who will be in the house she has lived in for years, in a place where she has friends. You are choosing to put barriers in the way of having a "good" Christmas because you want the Christmas you've always had. It's a fact of life that when children become adults, the Christmas they once knew doesn't exist anymore for many reasons and you need to accept that and move on to find a new way of celebrating.
I haven't spent a Christmas day with DD since 2019 due to distance and work commitments, so we have our "Christmas" in January. The tree goes up, we have Christmas dinner, watch Christmas shows on catch up, the lot. This year Christmas for us was the 16-17th of January.
Do something normal on the 25th December and have your "family" Christmas when your parents get back, or as a PP suggested with your brother before he goes....Christmas isn't just about a day it's about the feeling which doesn't need to be on a particular day.

Yes, this. It's time to grow up. Most 20 somethings would be dancing in the street at the thought of two weeks of freedom!

Sometimes I despise mumsnet. Some of the spiteful responses lacking empathy and understanding are dispicable!

Op, totally understand how you feel and yes, they sound totally selfish and self absorbed. Yes, they are making you feel of no consequence and your brother is preferred. Do they mean to? Or is it them running away in excitement?

My children are similar ages and 2 have just done a year in austrailia (separately) I would never pick one child over another. Nor did I go out there. I did make sure each child wasn't totally alone at Christmas. I regularly sent care packages and a 25days of Christmas box with gifts every day to open and decorations for their vans. And what I did for one, I did for my other children in different ways.

My opinion is maybe sit down and explain how you feel about christmas alone. And how they made you feel. Only talk about you and how you feel rather than telling them they are selfish etc. Let them think it through for themselves then. I also feel your rent is far too high! Or my children's is far too low! I make them pay a nominal amount to show intent, and I expect them to save.

I would be so hurt. Do they mean to treat you differently? Is it intentional? Can you play them at their game - ask for rent to be decreased so you can save to travel (but just save to move out - you will be travelling, just not in the sense they expected!).

Just wanted to reply as I hate how nasty folk have been and it's not ok imo. Totally think you have valid thoughts and feelings, dont let others minimise you!

What???

Cost of living sister

suck it up

Stick it on the roof with a blanket and rachet straps.

OP don't worry about solutions. You don't need to find a solution just to please us lot. Even if you wallow until December you'll still have some options open to you for what to do for Christmas (with or without a bloody tree).

You’ve got six whole months to save the airfare - get a part time job! A Saturday gig! Cut out avocados!! 🥑 But seriously - talk to them! say you really want to go but can’t afford the fare and if you get some extra work would they consider helping you out a little bit so you can all go together. It’s a normal reaction to feel sad - but it’s also your choice to give into something that’s six months away and completely in your power to decide the outcome…

It's one Christmas. Your parents won't get to do this again. Think of your parents and set aside yourself for one year, it's not the end of the world.

Maybe your parents want a different Christmas, it happens, make different plans for this year. They want to travel and spend Christmas in Australia, you don't have enough leave to make it worth your while so of course you can arrange a different Christmas for yourself.

This waffle about a tree, do you actually realise that there are single parents who do this every year, putting up a tree. You don't have to chop one down and drag it 9 million miles on your back. You can buy smaller real tree, they deliver. Or buy an artificial one, you can get smaller than 6ft, it's one year, just get one you can manage, I bought my disabled DD one for her room, a beautiful 4ft one and it's a lovely size and was 40euro here in Ireland, she even helped sorting it and she's disabled.

You are saying all this information came at once, your brother announcing he's moving to Australia, it's obviously been the talk of your house as the planning and paperwork for that is immense and your parents announcing they're going for 2 months or whatever, you said you'd probably join them but decided not to due to cost, did you tell them this ? Or are they still thinking you'll go ?

You don't have to sit in a dark cold house, put the heating on, turn on the lights, put up your tree and enjoy the Christmas, you'll be working most of it so it won't be weeks on end sitting alone.

You’re just being grumpy now. 🤣 We get a 7ft real tree delivered every year while my husband is at work and I bring it in and put it up. They’re really not that heavy, I always take it down and put it outside on my own too (and no I’m certainly not tall but I do own chairs).

Even if you wanted to go and choose one, they generally carry it to wrap it up and help you with it on your car if you were really struggling that much.

It is a little sad you’re not enjoying your 20’s though. Travel is amazing when you’re young and are able to do it! It’s really worth investing in good friendships and having hobbies outside of just saving all the time.

Your previous Christmases sound lovely and I’m sorry you’re sad. But things change as you get older. Parents and adult children have their own plans, and sometimes special times can’t be everyone all at once.

why not arrange an early or late Christmas with your parents, and as others have said, make some special plans of your own for the day.

You could organise an online quiz for everyone to play on Boxing Day?

I understand why you’re sad, and can’t remember whether you’ve told them how they’re making you feel by talking about it endlessly, but if you haven’t, do.

People and their lives change, sometimes you have to go with the flow and accept compromises.

and if a real Christmas tree is important, buy a baby sized one and plant it in the New Year. Xx

@justalittlesad is your brother the golden child?

Personally I’d consider paying the same amount of rent he paid for as long as you can get away with it. If asked about it - Tell them you’ve decided to go round South America etc for 3 years so now need to save more so should pay less rent.

how much have you left to save for house deposit? Or how many more months years do you feel you are before you reach your goal?

Start building relationships with the family up north if you can over the next year. We are generally friendly up here.

Do tell your parents that you find the family Christmas comments hurtful but don’t expect too much back from them.

sorry this is how it’s going with them and the thread.

Whilst them having a holiday isn’t an issue. Their comments are unnecessary. Good luck.

No it wouldn’t, I’ve done it a lot of times. With small children, before iPads were invented and with and no other adult. I don’t enjoy it but it’s fine.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect your parents to not go on holiday because their daughter in her twenties hasn’t got enough holiday days left and doesn’t want to spend her money.

I really think you need to put some thought in to have you can become more independent from your parents and how you can create your own life. My dc are 22 and 19 now and we are a close happy family but we are definitely at the stage when I am asking them what they are doing for Christmas rather than just assuming that we will still be doing exactly what was happening when they were eight. My dh and I are looking forward to having more freedom now they are adults.

Can you not suggest the idea of a family Christmas before they leave? So you have a Christmassy weekend, put the tree up, exchange presents (maybe you leave yours for Xmas day) and have a Christmas dinner?

I know it won’t be the same but it at least solves your Christmas tree issue and you’re getting a Christmas with them, even if it isn’t on the actual day.

I haven’t read the whole thread, sorry! But it seems like they’re going to Australia so their son isn’t alone (or they don’t like the thought of their son alone) at Christmas. Instead they’re now leaving their daughter alone to an empty house?
That’s the price you pay for travelling. Been there done that lol.
I think it’s worse to leave someone alone where they would normally spend Christmas with others, think they could visit him at another time of year and the OP wouldn’t be bothered at all.
Could you maybe find a community event for Christmas lunch and have lots of nibbles/tv for when you get home?
And get a tree in a pot!