To feel sad about this?

[justalittlesad]

I’m in my 20s and live at home. I don’t earn a ton, but what I do earn goes into savings for a house.

My brother has just announced he’s leaving to Australia in September. My parents have gleefully announced that they will be travelling down to see him at Christmas.

We have no other family - it’s the four of us, my grandparents are dead and I am not particularly close with my aunts and uncles.

I can’t afford the airfare down to Australia. They’re talking about taking most of December and January down there. I can’t afford a hotel for that long, nor do I have the annual leave for it. When I asked what about me at Christmas, they shrugged their shoulders.

They’re looking at business or first class flights, but even the cheapest flights with 2 layovers are £1,400, which is basically my entire monthly salary.

I do understand it’s their choice, they’re adults and he’s an adult and it’s his decision to move. But AIBU to feel very sad at the thought of Christmas alone? I work up to December 24th and go back in between Christmas and new year, so it really will just be me. I’m really upset by it, because Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because of the family aspect.

AIBU? I feel like if I say anything I’ll be called selfish.

Does your brother actually want them over for nearly 2 months?

You know what, in my early 20’s I’d of felt the same, but I am in the armed forces and after being deployed over Christmas years ago, I really realised we manufacture our own happiness over the festive season. What that looks like from one person to the next can be completely different mind.

Your parents had to pick one of you if you are adamant you aren’t able to go to Aus, so can you blame them for taking the opportunity for a different type of Christmas and a holiday? Don’t rely on them for your happiness and plan your own Christmas, whether that’s deciding to work & earn extra cash, whether it’s do volunteering and give something back to the local community, spend time with friends or plan an epic self care day. Whatever you like!

Well done on committing to saving though, in my 20’s I’d of put the flights onto a credit card and worried about it later 😮‍💨

I get why you are upset OP, it's very understandable. There are meet-up groups for people to celebrate Christmas together....e.g. lots of people who might be new to an area or can't get home. Have a look at these and plan something YOU'D like to do. And good luck with the house buying...it sounds like getting your own place would be very empowering for you. Xx

Once friends/colleagues realise you'll be on your own for Christmas Day, you are highly likely to be invited somewhere. That's what people do. One year, I had four dinner invites. It's just a bit early to make concrete plans yet.

This. Honestly I can understand you are disappointed, but it's one Christmas. I spend Christmas Day alone every year now (no family) and I enjoy the day. The day is what you make it, you don't have to be alone, you could spend it with friends, or even go away to another town and spend a night in a hotel.

I can’t imagine doing this to my children!
I think it’s pretty selfish & absolutely no way would I enjoy Christmas with one child, knowing the other was alone on the other side of the world.
It doesn’t matter that you’re an adult, Christmas is a time to be with family.
I hope you can spend the day with a friend & their family.

Op, I just wanted to say it’s so lovely thst your family is doing close. The time you spend with your mum before christmas sounds really great. You know for lots of people christmas is full of drama and stress with family so they can’t relate to what you’re saying.
I really cannot imagine leaving one DC alone on their own whilst i go to another across the world.

I think the problem here is that yoir parents thought you would come along initially and now you’re saying you can’t so perhaps it’s hard for them to go back on their word of going to visit their DS for xmas. Tbh, I would go halves with you for your of cost travel, hoping that would mean you could come.

It’s not a necessity to have every single family member there for it to be a family Christmas. I have 5 kids. It would still be a “family Christmas” even if there was only two of them.

Do you have adult children? What happens if one has a partner and a child and wants you to spend Christmas with them but they live a long way away, but you have another child who lives alone. Will you always prioritise the child who is in their own and hope that maybe they will find someone or choose to do something with friends one year so you get to spend Christmas with your other child and their family?

I think as adults it becomes difficult unless everyone remains near their parental home along with any partners and their family also living in the same town.

I assume that poster is coming up with some ideas that the OP can actually use.

It’s one thing to have a moan and be upset but that’s not going to change anything so then you need to figure out a plan.

That poster is probably suggesting what she would do if she was in that situation.
OP doesn’t have to do the same but it might give her some ideas of what she’ll like to do instead.

I feel for you. It sounds very thoughtless and uncaring.

Surely there is quite a difference between 5 children and 2.

FINALLY someone has suggested that OP's parents might be secretly planning to give her some of the rent back when she buys her own home! I've read so many posters on other threads saying that this is what they are actually doing.

I'm not saying it's a good idea btw, or definitely the case, but for first class travellers to charge their daughter what is arguably an extortionate "childhood home" rent when they're not on a low income, it's a distinct possibility.

OP loves her family Christmasses because she presumably loves her parents, so they can't be awful people. I think a few posters have even said "disgusting"! So very fucking Mumsnet.

@CatesandAle I didn't explain it well. SIL2 refuses to travel at Christmas or Thanksgiving (we're in the US) so although the three of them have been invited to various siblings' houses (large family) for these celebrations, my PIL haven't ever felt that they could go, because she refuses to. It's been like this for 20 years. I'm not personally upset by this, but I do feel bad for my PIL who have openly said that they can't ever go to SIL1's for Christmas, for example, because they can't leave SIL2 alone. The other siblings do travel to see their parents at these times when they can afford to but have never been able to reciprocate. PIL are in their 80s now and their traveling days are almost over so those opportunities are gone now.

Obviously, this is different to the OP's parents, who are quite happy to leave the OP behind, but that's the extreme version of what can happen if one adult child expects their parents to provide Christmas for them every year IYSWIM. I agree that the OP's parents are being thoughtless about this trip, but equally, the OP can't begrudge them the option of changing things up sometimes. It's a balancing act and it sounds as if they're keen to do something completely different.

Are your parents aware that you can’t afford the fare? Have they not offered to help you out? This is surprising if they’re so well off and if you’re a close family. Something isn’t adding up.
But if you really can’t go, at least now you have 6 months to plan something. Start sewing the seed with friends. If they are with their families, so what? I’m sure your friends parents wouldn’t mind having an extra person at the table if they know your circumstances. This wouldn’t be an issue for close friends surely.

@Moonnstarz Yes, this is exactly what's happened to my PIL, because SIL2 refuses to travel at that time of year. She's fine for her siblings to do it though if they want to see their parents!!

I’m just going to be in a sad cold house by myself.

You can turn that around and make yourself a fab Christmas.
Do what you want to do, slobbing in front of the telly, taking a walk, take in a healing podcast, youtube have wonderful meditation music.

You're a big girl now.

Don't let family bring you down.

It's hard I know.

OP I feel for you. I don’t know what to suggest. Do you have close friends that you can spend Christmas with?

Tbh, I think this is shitty of your parents. They could go a day or two after Christmas so you’re not alone on Christmas Day.

Not the best time to come to Aus. It can be unbearably hot, storm season & school holidays are in Dec & Jan so ridiculously expensive.

I think their decision is purely selfish & has nothing to do with you. If my DB or cousin invited our DP's to visit / go away for Christmas they'd accept without a thought for me. As you get older, you realise your time to physically have these adventures is limited & you become selfish about it. My DP's just booked a random trip for that reason. DM admitted they invited my cousin, that they spend more time with than us, because she wanted someone else to do all of the work navigating, food etc. It had nothing to do with me. Just functional.

I'm betting your DB doesn't want them for two months of his year trip anyway. I'd be pissed off if I planned a year away & my DP's announced they were joining me!!!

If I'm still healthy enough (I have a life limiting condition), I'll be planning on an almost identical trip over Christmas/New Year '27/'28. DD will be there alone as part of her studies and I know she won't get home all year.

DS lives at home with all the benefits that brings. I don't feel guilty leaving him. He'll be mid twenties and is also saving to buy a house. He is able to do so at a hugely accelerated pace compared to if he rented somewhere.

I don't think leaving for one Christmas is too much. If it meant that much to you, you would go. A friend who emigrated recently came here for a week (funeral). You could ask for a contribution towards accommodation as a Christmas gift from your parents to make it more affordable. You would have to raid your savings, but on your salary you could barely save anything if you didn't live with your DPs.

You also have six months to save hard and or earn extra money. If you choose not to go there are lots of options. Many local organisations in my average sized town offer Christmas lunch to anyone wanting one. I know those who've attended or volunteered at these events have had a brilliant time.

If you have any waiting on/kitchen/bar experience and offer you'll find plenty of establishments would rip your hand off. I was paid triple time before I had DC for working on a Christmas Day or you could volunteer at any number of places.

Plenty of people set up the ulimate pamper day with their favourite food, drink, films, etc.

Ultimately it's one day. What happens if you marry and have DC in the future? It's usual to alternate Christmases. Will you insist on it being with your DPs every year?

If you really feel you can't go, please don't guilt trip your DPs. Until I had DC, DH and I worked in catering. He still does, but closes on the day now (I medically retired in my 40s). You have six months to plan, don't waste it.

I understand you feeling sad and left out, but I don't understand why you don't have a single friend you could join for Christmas Day. You're allowed to join families despite being solo. If you really don't have any friends you could join, you could try seeing what's going on in your area with other poeple who are at a loose end on www.meetup.com

I mean this gently, but I think you are being unreasonable! It's time to toughen up a bit. Christmas happens every year, but your parents won't go to Australia every year. It's a big deal for your brother. I think you should be happy & excited, instead of making it about you.

If nobody else does, I feel for you, you're allowed to have feelings and in your shoes I'd be pissed off too.

How do you & your brother get on, I'm assuming he's younger? Is he at Uni and this year in Australia is part of it?

Is there a reason why he's going at Christmas, and does he know anyone in Australia? Did he invite your parents or did they invite themselves?

You sound like you've got your head screwed on & you know exactly what you want for yourself with your house savings/purchase - good for you 👍

Have you had any discussions with your parents about all the 'why's' or are you angry/sad because it's caught you off guard and you feel overlooked - that's understandable.

What do you enjoy doing besides gym?
Do you like swimming/pampering perhaps? If you were to treat yourself to an 'alternative Christmas' what would it look like - bearing in mind you haven't got much choice 🫤

One day you'll have your own house & Christmas will be different again - you'll get to make your own choices and your own decisions.

Why?

Can’t see why it matters when you’re talking about family events including everyone.

Went out for a birthday celebration this week and one wasn’t there as they were working so they “missed out”. It’s just how it goes.

Didn’t make it any less of a family event because they weren’t there.

Do you have close friends that you can spend Christmas with?

This was unsurprisingly suggested right at the start of the thread, but the OP shut it down straight away.