AIBU to resent my husband’s weight loss and his mum’s comments?

[Pipiscoming2023]

My DH started taking Mounjaro a few months ago and has lot 3 stone since then. He’s back to the weight he was in our 20s/when we got married.

I categorically don’t want to take medication to lose weight and work hard at the gym (at least 3x per week) and eat well. I’m strong but still a size 18, it’s slow progress but I’m okay with that.

Anyway, his mum is obsessed with our weight (I know it’s a her problem but I still find it hard to deal with the constant comments). So she’s has been heaping praise on her wonderful son for losing so much weight and asking me how often I go to the gym etc… clearly with the undertone of “why aren’t you losing the same?”

He doesn’t want to tell her he’s on the jabs. Fine, that’s down to him. But I’m starting to resent him for eating what he wants, not going to the gym and losing all this weight (and being praised incessantly for it) whereas I’m working hard and trying to make myself strong and healthy, and feel like I’m being judged and made to feel terrible.

Babe, by the way you’re talking you’re clearly not okay. Calling me fat and whatever other vitriol you’re spilling is a real projection of your own self hatred. Not sure there’s a jab for that yet but I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you x

OP you seem unhappy generally inc here and I hope you find your peace with MiL. As irritating as it is she is probably just caring in a perverse kind of way. Well done on the gym. No harm in jabs either.

Ah mothers-in-law...idolising their sons and making their daughters-in-law absolutely miserable.

First time I met mine, when we announced our engagement, that evening when I said yes to second helpings of crumble she responded "you won't be able to get in your wedding dress". DH did actually snap at her. Same weekend she looked at the dress I was looking at in a magazine and said "that really wouldn't suit you with the shape of your thighs." 22 years later the comments about everything, especially about how little she eats and what other people eat, mean I am so angry all the time that I can barely look at her. Everything her sons do is marvellous, her daughters-in-law and daughter come in for lots of "funny" little comments loaded with criticism. It's exhausting.

I haven’t told my parents. My mom would read one clickbait horror story and convince herself they will kill me, and my dad would send daily emails linking to similar articles and then text me to check I’d seen the emails.

Adults don’t, and should have to, tell their parents everything.

You dont eat what you want on mounjaro. It doesnt work like that. You have to count calories. I lost 6 stone over 2 years and it was bloody hard work.
Mounjaro just helps you feel less hungry thats all.
If you havent lost weight its because you are eating too much. End of.

You're doing the right thing for for the long term OP (though it must be a nightmare to hear your MIL's comment). All the evidence shows that, while weight loss jabs are often a brilliant way to lose weight, unless you change your eating and exercise habits, you will put the weight back on when you stop taking them. So the chances are that your husband will just put the weight back on unless he stays on the jabs long term, whereas you will have built sustainably healthy habits.

I’m sorry but if you are a size 18 then that’s not eating well especially if you exercise a lot. You are overeating by a lot to get to and remain that size. Its diet and cutting calories that will see you lose weight even though building muscle is obviously great for long term health. I’d take another close look at your dietary intake, maybe see a dietitian.

Just tell his mum that you exercise a lot more than him but she knows what it’s like as a woman vs a man. She will nod sagely.

This isn’t entirely true. Studies show that people who lose a lot of weight without medication also put a lot of it back on when they stop dieting. Obesity is complex and people who have obesity often struggle to remain a healthy weight even after spending years getting there.

This is exactly what I would do 🤣

OP I totally get it! He does get to eat what he wants, as in the type of food, just less of it. And that must be really annoying.

What his mother thinks she is seeing is a beloved son who has, all by himself, developed a miraculous super strength willpower (might not be the right word but you know what I mean) to resist eating how he was before and shed the weight, alongside she's seeing a lowly DIL who should be able to follow suit as miraculously as he has.

What she doesn't know is his willpower is medically induced, and he in fact isn't a miracle. I think it's amazing he's taking control of his health in whatever way needed, but I get why that is indirectly annoying as the better his willpower looks to his mum, the worse yours looks.

I think you need to just steer clear of her, as the only other solution is to dob him in, which also isn't advised.

It works like that for some people. For many, if they're not hungry they don't want the food, or stop eating after a small amount of it because they feel full and satisfied.
That isn't to say that it's a recommended way to do it, but plenty do. Not everyone experiences side effects if still eating high fat foods either.

And that’s absolutely fine - your choice. But you can’t bitch about someone else enjoying the effects of a medication you know you could take, but don’t want to, while you don’t get the same effect.

Talking clear undertones, the one is your posts is “I’m doing it properly, he’s cheeeeating!!! And he’s getting better results than me! It’s not faaaaaiiiir!!!”

If your DH is basking in the praise and not telling his DM to back off when she's grilling you about the gym, then time for a cryptic response. "I'm going quite often thanks, to build up my strength. It's a slower way to lose weight but I'm ok with that. We don't all want to take the easy option". Up to her what she makes of the comment.

I’ve been on the since March last year and don’t eat clean or especially healthy (ND so limited diet).
I haven’t had any side effects other than a few headaches and a bit of indigestion.
I know several people also on the jabs and none of them eat clean either.
I obviously do eat in a strict calorie deficit in order to lose though.

Honestly, the next time your MIL says anything to you about your weight, I'd definitely tell her that her son is on Mounjaro. He doesn't show you any loyalty by telling his mum to stop her snarky comments to you so you don't owe him your loyalty. He is basically lying by omission as it's obvious that his mum believes that his weight loss is all due to his will-power and healthy eating, neither of which is true.

Your diet is much healthier than his.

There are multiple things going on here that need to be separated out.

Your MILs behaviour is completely inappropriate regardless of who's taking what. He ought to be backing you up there, for both of your sakes and also your kids. This will get worse as they get older and she starts on them.

He shouldn't be buying the kids unnecessary shit regardless of your weight, his weight or anyone's weight loss methods. He IBU.

YABU to resent him for simply existing as an WLI user and wanting to maintain privacy. It's not his doing that people comment on his weight loss and he has no obligation to share that information with anyone just because you would like him to. MIL also sounds like a particularly bad person to share that kind of information with.

You are also BVVU to centre yourself so much in his weight loss. It exists independently of you, and it's not his problem that you've decided to do it in a particular way.

Lastly, he IBU to buy so much crap for his part of the cooking. Again this would be the case regardless of anyone's weight or dieting choices. You also have no obligation to listen to him whining about feeling shit when he eats crap. In the same way you feeling bad about the impact of your choices as compared to his isn't his problem, his guts aren't yours. Tell him to shut up.

I have similar issues with my MIL - she'll gush about how well my OH looks since starting the gym but never even commented when I'd lost 1.5 stone and was wearing an outfit that really showed it. She'll also never comment if I've have a haircut or colour change - she just cant bring herself to compliment me ever since I pulled her up on being a shit grandparent to some of her grandchildren.
Ignore the old trout and crack on with what you're doing - your steady weight loss is more sustainable than his with the jabs, especially if he stops them and continues to eat like crap at work.

Totally unreasonable of MIL. Your weight is precisely zero to do with her, or anyone else.
YABU to resent your DH though. You could use the medication if you wanted to, it is not reasonable to resent someone for making a different choice to you.
And, at a size 18, you are over eating, which I suspect you know. He is eating crap, and loosing, you are eating crap and not. That is where the resentment comes from I think?

If he won't call out his mum then any time you absolutely have to be in her company, you call her out yourself.

If she asks how often you are going to the gym look her in the eye with a serious face and reply "why do you ask?". Any comments or questions that are an indirect dig at your weight when you've already told her this topic is off the table, call her out on it.

Your DH is a wuss not to just tell his mum, especially when it means you are getting vitriol and he is getting praise.

Perhaps any time there HAS to be a visit HE can visit or host and you can be at the gym enjoying some peace in a judgement free zone.

His mum must have her head in the sand to not immediately assume WLI!!

I do

OP has said nothing to suggest DH won't remain on the jabs long term, so I'd be careful saying her weight loss will be more sustainable. If he does keep taking them, actually statistically his will be. But it's in OPs interests not to think of it in comparison terms.

I think the jabs can be massively positive.

Your husband will put weight back if he isn't medicated. He needs to improve his diet to be healthy. He isn't winning.

I can understand why your husband doesn't want to tell people. He needs to be supportive of you though.

People are so judgemental of larger bodies. Talking about weight and your body needs to be completely off the table.

My DH eats what he wants, I eat healthy, hardly drink and stick to c1000 cals. I get it can be frustrating. I'm doing me.

Let her wonder. Not everyone wants to use tnem

The irony of a post that is discussing the MIL having opinions on their weight... while having opinions on how her husband has chosen to loose weight and how it makes her feel. That's you projecting onto him in the same way MIL is projecting onto you.

Good for you for working hard but you also have the choice of jabs, for whatever reason you don't want to take them is fine but it's not fair to then be annoyed with him for making his choice.

And for all the posters saying tell the MIL... its not MIL business or Ops business to tell her.

Mmm, I understand the temptation, but it essentially seems to be going along with her behaviour. Which needs to be challenged, for the sake of the kids if nothing else. Of course DH has to take his part in that.