Disillusioned when earning 150k

[Littlezonedout]

I know these threads cause trouble, but this is how I feel. I can’t help but wonder when does the merry go round stop. It is worth it waking up crack of dawn, kids to breakfast club, nursery, after school club, run home, make dinner, bed, bath. Glass of wine because I’m exhausted.
if I stayed at home I’d save 20k on commuting, wraparound childcare, cleaner, gardener, etc.
fine, I can afford a house, but the maintenance, the upkeep, the bills.
not sure why I’m ranting. Know I’ll get pulled to
pieces. Just exhausted

£50k in 1986 would have bought a hugely affluent lifestyle. That’s the problem. The cost of living has outstripped salaries enormously. Much of the cost of living pressure is tax though in one way or another.

You must earn a huge salary.

You can choose: money vs time/quality of life,

Working with little children is exhausting, and I was fortunate to work part time.

@Littlezonedout

£150k income

You pay 22k in tax on the amount between £100k and £150k, and £36k in childcare fees?

So putting that extra 50k into a pension and claiming the 30 hours free childcare, you'd actually have more left over each month, as well as 50k in your pension?

Is that right?

Didn’t read properly, 150k. Are you putting enough on pension to save on taxes?

Absolutely. I had to laugh at cleaners and gardners being the trappings of wealth. Hardly. They are all but essental for thevsmooth running of a busy household., And even for a lot of not very busy folk.

I disagree - I could have written the comment you are objecting to and I am a single parent who has had never had any financial help from DC’s dad. I don’t think this post is snippy, to me it reads as warm and compassionate. I also disagree that it’s unhelpful - it could be exactly what somebody needs to hear (although I appreciate that it’s not what you need to hear). I get that you have a different perspective but that doesn’t mean the pp was wrong to write it.

Your income of £150k per year puts you in the top 2% of earners. You also have a husband who works so your household income must be extremely high.

I assume that your neighbour gets help towards her childcare fees. Why are you resentful? Do you still expect to receive subsidies paid by tax payers even at your level of income?

You could take a much lower paid job, but you have said that you are trapped by your mortgage. Everything that you are complaining about is your choice. Your choice of highly paid career, your choice of expensive home. There are so many people in low-paid yet stressful jobs who can hardly afford the basics of life.

It reminds me of the classic Friends episode where Chandler says 'my wallet's too small for my fifties and my diamond choes are too tight'.

Yes you are being unreasonable! We have done everything ourselves on a combined household income of 46k. We couldn't afford to outsource anything, and we worked long hours, commute, make dinner do the bath for the kids etc..... and we had to do the cleaning, gardening, diy etc..... we paid a fortune in childcare, and still have to pay breakfast and after school fees every single day.

You need to look at the privileges you do have! All you are focusing on is the negatives.

I would say a lot of working mums feel like you do.
I know I do but I’m also on 1/4 of your salary.

I assume like me you’re a single parent too and so everything falls to you, which is physically and mentally draining.

If I was on your salary, I would just outsource everything.
I’d get a cleaner, gardener, a hello fresh subscription etc and so when you’re at home then there is less to do.

I find work easy and I find parenting easy but trying to do both on my own is the challenge as there are never enough hours in the day and mentally you’re so exhausted from work that it’s difficult to get anything done.

I completely get how you feel but you’re privileged with your salary just because you can pay for services to reduce your work load.

I think giving it all up to get a £30k job is not going to give you as much freedom as you think it will as you’ll still need to work FT, commute and be a parent.

Is your priority ultimately money or free time? At the moment you don’t feel you have enough of either. Plowing through this period will eventually get you more financial freedom when children are out of nursery, but it won’t necessarily get you more free time/relief from the rat race. Leaving your job might get you more free time (could you find something else that’s part time?), but less financial freedom. Once you decide which is more important to to you, you can plan a way forward.

I disagree - I could have written the comment you are objecting to and I am a single parent who has had never had any financial help from DC’s dad. I don’t think this post is snippy, to me it reads as warm and compassionate. I also disagree that it’s unhelpful - it could be exactly what somebody needs to hear (although I appreciate that it’s not what you need to hear). I get that you have a different perspective but that doesn’t mean the pp was wrong to write it.

Hard disagree. I know its warm and compassionate in its intent, but there's a stunning lack of self-awareness about it which adults should have learned to avoid.

There isn't a working single mother on the planet who doesn't resent the fact they aren't able to spend more time with their children or who doesn't worry about the impact of stress on their health. Having someone who obviously has the luxury of not having to do this pop up, wide-eyed, to tell you your children are only young once is a bit like someone earning £1m a year telling someone living on benefits that they should take more foreign holidays. It's the worst kind of "No shit, Sherlock" comment but with added smug and condescension.

If you have the luxury of being in control of your time please enjoy it but keep the sanctimoniousness about health and work life balance to yourself. We know, thanks. We don't need it rubbing in our faces by people who don't need to make these choices.

I wanted to say that I am so sorry you feel so trapped. It’s a horrible place to be. And also that it feels like it now, but it really won’t be forever. I don’t have an answer for you, but I do feel for you.

Hello OP. I’ve been there feeling trapped by my income and on a treadmill. After a lot of work and reflection I’ve made a conscious effort to choose to do it.

By which I mean - I accept there are a number of issues with my job (stress, hours, commute etc). However it pays well, more than I could probably get elsewhere, and work is interesting. So rather than feeling “poor me, I’m trapped” I make a conscious decision to do the job for now because of the benefits it brings - the private school fees, sustaining the mortgage, options for future jobs, quality of work.

I remind myself actually, I can leave any time I like, but that comes with consequences on the lifestyle we can have, future plans etc. And so I make a conscious choice to do the job at least for now. I don’t know if this resonates at all but it does help me to feel more in control.

Or put it another way - choose to accept the lifestyle of the lifestyle you choose.

How much are you putting towards your mortgage each month? Your savings? Your pension? You’re able to outsource tasks that most working people have to do on top of full time work (cleaning, gardening).

You’re building wealth and living a privileged life and don’t appear to realise it - zeroing in on your tax bill and feeling resentful you’re not able to build more wealth than you already are is wild.

I'm interested to know what you mean about the pressure of a big salary? Why is a big salary more pressure than a lower salary, or do you mean the job pressure of someone earning more?

I'm interested to know what you mean about the pressure of a big salary? Why is a big salary more pressure than a lower salary, or do you mean the job pressure of someone earning more?

On a £150k salary you should be having a wonderful time - even with work and kids. But so much of it goes on tax and life is so expensive it's not a high salary anymore. The wealth in this country comes from inheritance not salary. We earn the same as a lot of our neighbours but they all have / will inherit so live much more comfortable lives.

It is a high salary and even with taxes and lack of benefits she is taking home more than most people in the country

what it shows to me os that people who are financially motivated are rarely satisfied for long with their life

I’m a year on from you, with a 4 year old and 2 year old, and similar salary and commute and had all the same thoughts. This is what I’ve decided, so far.

Part time isn’t possible in my industry either, but I pushed for 4.5 days a week after a few months back from mat leave. It’s really helped having that protected half day to have with the kids. Also I can work from home two days a week, and on those days I can do drop offs.

We got a nanny for the days we are both in the office, and she does wraparound. I was paying over £5k a month for nursery. The nanny is amazing, the kids can do clubs on those days, and have play dates, and it’s easy as no rushing for drop offs or pickupsI try to work from home one day when she has them both, and I can take them for a picnic in the park for my lunch break.

I have informal approval on a trial to do core hours, then make up the time later. So I don’t need to get in until 9.30am, or I can leave at 4pm if I’m in earlier. My partner does the same, and as long as we work our 8 hours in the office, we can catch up the rest later once the kids are in bed. It’s tiring for us, but having the time with them is better right now for us.

Ive decided to push through for now. It’s stressful and tiring, but I think I have a few more years in me, and then I’ll reassess. Look at a compound interest calculator, do it for your pension and for any savings you can invest, and see what they’ll be worth later. I want to be able to support the kids and give them great experiences, so I don’t want to go too early. Like you, things move so quickly, I don’t think I’d get back in

It is all about unearned inherited wealth you are so right. My job means I have to know who the wealthiest people in the UK are, and I have to track wealth a lot. I also see a lot of wills/estates. It’s breathtaking how much the gap has widened between those receiving inherited wealth and who come from landed wealth, and those without this, but earning a high amount. It’s also unbelievable how many boomer estates are in the millions off the back of very mediocre and average paying jobs. A high salary no longer allows you to live a great standard of life. And those on minimum wage have no chance. The unfairness of the system is mind boggling. But I guess life has never been fair.

You will get pulled to pieces as people are like that here but I know how you feel OP.

I am on nowhere near your income but on a highish one nonetheless. But when I started working 20 years ago I thought getting to my salary (95k) would have me living like a queen! Granted 95k / 100k 20 years ago was a lot more than it is now. But I was surprised at just how far the money doesn’t go and while I can enjoy a few more small luxuries I still have to budget meticulously. And it’s fair to think of what more you could do giving up a chunk of that income and having more time in the home.

I understand, I have left my job as a doctor following maternity leave to be there for my kids. Luckily my OH works so we will have less spending money but can still afford the mortgage although we are looking to move somewhere a bit cheaper. We’re all so much happier already it’s like night and day!

Have you talked to your husband about how you’re feeling? This shouldn’t all be on you. Can your husband stay at home with the kids more? Are you doing more of the mental load/childcare/house stuff even though you’re earning more? Or is it an option for him to retrain and earn more to take the pressure off you?

Also if I were you I would get a cheaper house to reduce your outgoings. And with a lot less of a commute than an hour. An hour is a long commute. And I would also get a lower paying job. Not 30K obviously, but lower than you are on now with less stress and more flexibility. Also, can you ask to go down to 3 days at your current job and job share with someone?

I know you say you want to give your kids the perfect lifestyle, but your happiness matters too.

I suspect you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be the ‘perfect’ parent and successful person, as in have a successful career and give your kids a nice home and everything they want financially, but also spend all your time with them and be the perfect attentive mother. Obviously you can’t do both so you are beating yourself up for working, but you also know if you didn’t work you would beat yourself for not providing. So in your own mind, you cannot win.

But that is a lot to put on yourself. You know traditionally the husband should provide so the mother can stay at home? Not saying I agree with that at all, but you are expecting yourself to be both the husband and wife in this scenario.

Is it wild? Not the OP but similar salary. I get net just over £7k a month. Nursery was well over £5k a month as they put all the fees up to cover the subsidised hours and the NI increases. Commute £350. House is commutable, so the mortgage is expensive, but it’s nothing special. We moved out of London as we couldn’t afford a mortgage there plus nursery.

You can see from those figures there isn’t much left for mortgage and bills. We don't eat out, we don’t get takeaways, I get my hair cut twice a year, all our clothes are discounted and we only recently relented and got a cleaner. I don’t need a tiny violin or anything, but I honestly didn’t expect to still be thinking about whether I can get a haircut once I made it to £150k

The only way to end the inherited wealth gap is to tax inheritances harder

it’s unearned wealth that’s giving people a huge leg up for nothing when the country is struggling to provide dentists and SEN support