Disillusioned when earning 150k

[Littlezonedout]

I know these threads cause trouble, but this is how I feel. I can’t help but wonder when does the merry go round stop. It is worth it waking up crack of dawn, kids to breakfast club, nursery, after school club, run home, make dinner, bed, bath. Glass of wine because I’m exhausted.
if I stayed at home I’d save 20k on commuting, wraparound childcare, cleaner, gardener, etc.
fine, I can afford a house, but the maintenance, the upkeep, the bills.
not sure why I’m ranting. Know I’ll get pulled to
pieces. Just exhausted

How old are your kids?

I took a pay cut when mine were early primary and joined the civil service purely for the flexible working hours.. Started full time but with 2 days a week at home (pre-pandemic so more unusual), then moved to compressed hours and did 10 days in 9 and then 5 days in 4.

I left when my youngest started secondary and moved back to the private sector - no more childcare as children are old enough to be home alone and also hybrid working. I'm now contracting (also niche area but in demand) and getting to dictate when I work. I'm about to take the summer off, and has been great to have less responsibility.

Does “pick your battles” similarly trigger you? If military families with actually close relatives still currently serving can overlook it, I’m sure you can.

I don't think two parents working full time is ever ideal. Some people will say it's unavoidable but I think that's rarely the case. If I went full time we could have a 'better' holiday and a newer car? That's not worth the trade off for me.
The things we view as essential today are probably not. There's certainly a lot we think we 'deserve', I'm definitely guilty of that on occasion.
Sometimes when I see a gorgeous big house I fantasise for a moment but then I remember that a house like that would probably be a full time job in itself. I couldn't afford it, I'm not sure I'd want it even if I could. I'd love to travel with my kids a bit more but then wouldn't we all? And look what happens to our gorgeous planet and its beauty spots when we do all try to see, be, and have, it all.
People have a cleaner but then it emerges that can be a difficult and stressful thing to manage.
Ditto childcare and pet sitters. Never mind trying to manage all the goddam stuff we own.
A nice, normal life is very, very underrated.

Right, so a nurse on 35k whose decisions can be a matter of life and death knows nothing about pressure compared to someone who with a Big Job In An Office.

Could you hire a nanny OP?
That would probably help and as others have said, there are people on the same wheel with much much less.

Oh don't be silly, it is an idiomatic phrase that is totally part of the language now and reflects our history. You must spend a lot of time upset.

Indeed. I also think trying to pass off something from 3 generations ago as their own personal trauma is pretty distasteful tbh.

I wonder what your children like. They effectively have a full-time role too

You are in the difficult years. Hang in there. It does get easier.

Giving it all up means far fewer options. You are paid well so assuming you are paying into a pension proportionately you will be able to retire very early and will have do many options rather than keeping going for money.

You’re laying foundations now for an easier life in future. The nursery fees will end and you can use that money to either leave the workforce or just job sooner (invest in a S&S isa) reduce hours, more holidays etc

This is known as the tricky bit, raising young kids is expensive, building equity in the house etc. but you have options to downsize etc.

You are also very lucky to afford help . Having all that help is an absolute luxury so count your blessings. Others have to do your commute without all that help because they’re not paid £150k

Perhaps it would help writing Out what the alternative would like, all the positives you have and doing some financial modelling of your investments and pensions to see what a strong position you are in. Use ChatGPT to coach you - it’s surprisingly good at this. You are probably in the top 5% of the population for net wealth which will eventually give you financial freedom!

Terrible idea. Cut out the parts of the support system that keep the entire show on the road? A cleaner at least isn’t a “trapping of wealth”, it’s what makes a high pressure job feasible at all.

1. it will get easier
2. I would drop another day, to 3 days. Even if it is frowned upon, you would likely massively appreciate the improvement in work / life balance and barely notice the drop in income.
3. your future self will thank you for the healthy pension fund

Are you definitely sure you can't afford to overpay your pension so you get subsidised nursery? It might be worth doing the numbers again as 3k nursery is a lot! (I'm in a similar situation and wish you well, it's hard)

Meh, I am home, have to be (trailing spouse) and I am exhausted and depleted and don't get enough adult conversation or any solitude ever, and have facilitated my husband at the expense of myself and am tired of being the point person for kids (Dh steps up but they default to me) and however good he is about money (regards it all as ours) it still doesn't feel like I have the same right to spend or the same independence. I'm trying to kickstart freelancing but way more spare time goes to DH work events and master's degree because we need his income. It can be really shit.

@Sinescure A nurse earning £35k isn’t on the same level as stress as a consultant surgeon on £150k.

Not at all the comparison I made, try reading it again. Nice try.

I don't think you deserve to be slated.

I earn significantly less than you but I can still sympathise. It's all relative, isn't it. I also think the caps are ridiculous on child benefit / childcare funding. If you're that high an earner, you will be making sacrifices left, right and centre that you wouldn't necessarily have to make on, say, minimum wage (I appreciate those on minimum wage have their own issues but they don't diminish yours). You will have additional costs that very low earners won't have (home maintenance and repairs - which are extortionate - high council tax, childcare costs, student loan payments, life insurance etc). It's disheartening, at best.

I also think, when you're working in those sorts of jobs the mental load is crazy and so you need outlets more than if you work in something less demanding... Let's face it, there has to be reward for the hard work.

I say this as someone who has worked a minimum wage job and topped it up with three part time jobs (70 hours per week). It was tiring, sure, but I never brought any work home with me and, ultimately, the job itself was piss easy compared to what I do now. The responsibility was also minimal and the consequences of cocking up were very small in the grand scheme of life.

I saw one of your comments that you can't put your finger on the cause of your unhappiness which is a really positive reflection. Things can look absolutely hunky dory but the satisfaction isn't there. It may be a passing moment. It may be something deeper rooted. But changing one's circumstances isn't always easy - finding a different job would mean a drop in salary and possibly relocation... Those are huge things to do, especially if you love where you are.

Sending you a hug!

You do realise most of the NHS runs out because of people earning less than £50k right?

What you are describing really doesn’t sound like giving your DC a perfect life, sorry.

Do you feel you have been sucked into valuing material wealth over everything else?

@Sinescure That’s the exact comparison you made and what I said is correct.

The further up the chain, regardless of sector or industry - the more responsibility.

I never said that nurses are never stressed, or have to make tough decisions. Or that they are never tired. Of course they are. But a nurse earning £35k will not have the same level of responsibility - the buck doesn’t stop with a £35k nurse.

I'm sorry, I know this post is well intentioned but this sort of view is profoundly unhelpful for someone like the OP or me.

Posts like this are invariably from women married to a wealthier man who don't have to work to support their family. I've been a single parent most of my daughter's life (now in a relationship so not technically single but I'm solely responsible for my daughter's financial upkeep). If you're the main or sole breadwinner it's not possible to "do what you feel is right and follow your heart" and snippy comments about "they are only little for a while" do absolutely nothing but make us feel guilty and stressed.

I don't earn as much as the OP but I'm similarly locked into a job which I'd leave if I could but leaving isn't an option at the moment. I have a large mortgage on a house near to my daughter's school. Selling up and moving right now (year before GCSEs) would be extremely disruptive to all of us and would leave my daughter feeling unsettled and dislodged from her friends and would probably harm her academics. It's just not that simple.

And as others have pointed out, whether you're on £150k or £20k pa is sort of irrelevant once the 'locked in' factor has set in.

It's fine to emphasise the importance of having a long-term gameplan but I wish people would think before making these sorts of comments.

If you're doing it to pay the mortgage and essentials then fine. But for luxuries then no it's not worth it imho. But if you have tied yourself to paying a large mortgage it 's a big upheaval to downsize.

OP, I kind of get you. I feel similarly. I earn £70k, DH on a lot more. Both full on jobs where we can work into the evenings after small kids bedtime. We have a nice house (big mortgage), nice holidays, pay for lots of help in the house, often feels like we barely see each other for weeks. I cannot leave my job; I would never get the same role again. I often feel exhausted and think we could both jack it in, cash out the equity, buy somewhere cheap and quiet, live simply.

But... I am also fulfilled by my work. I enjoy living in an interesting city. Life would be slower and simpler on a lower income but it wouldn't be stress free (what if the boiler breaks, what if the kids school is terrible, what about retirement?). I'd still have to do a job, and I'd have to do more of the housework I hate. I like being able to provide my kids with experiences beyond what I had as a kid. I like not worrying about money (and I've had to in the past).

There's no perfect stress free option.

Same OP. And generally speaking (not always) there is a big upturn in responsibility for higher salaries. So you might not work more hours overall (but often will) but the always “on and available” is more
likely which is stressful. I find it astonishing that we have a tax system that actively encourages people to drop hours and work less and then wonders why growth is so poor. We don’t all want to put our salary in our pension. Some of us need it to pay our mortgage. Or spend in small businesses. On top of that the tax collection system is a mess so my experience is that come actually doing your tax return despite being paye and hmrc being fully aware of your annual salary at the end of the year you get told you have underpaid and then need to find £££.

I think a nurse is a poor example as they are a formal professional regulated by their own governing body and that carries personal responsibility. But otherwise I agree with you.

You’re feeling trapped because you’re stuck in an unpleasant situation all of your own making, tying to be ‘ perfect’. I’d suggest therapy.