Disillusioned when earning 150k

[Littlezonedout]

I know these threads cause trouble, but this is how I feel. I can’t help but wonder when does the merry go round stop. It is worth it waking up crack of dawn, kids to breakfast club, nursery, after school club, run home, make dinner, bed, bath. Glass of wine because I’m exhausted.
if I stayed at home I’d save 20k on commuting, wraparound childcare, cleaner, gardener, etc.
fine, I can afford a house, but the maintenance, the upkeep, the bills.
not sure why I’m ranting. Know I’ll get pulled to
pieces. Just exhausted

From what I have observed of families who move rurally, those who appear happy and say the move was a success have either moved to be near family support and get help with the day to day, have two high earners with the paid childcare to match (Nannies) or the mum either doesn’t work or wfh full time. I’ve seen a fair few families who don’t fit this mould move back more centrally.

I was more or less where you are about six years ago and ultimately decided to take a step down on the ladder.

It was a really, really hard decision to make. I had to really check my pride and what others thought of me professionally as I was definitely near the top of the ladder for my role in a very visible and tight-knit sector.

So there was a salary hit, which as the main earner was super stressful in terms of removing a financial buffer. It would be much harder to manage now if my husband lost his job; previously we would have been ok.

But I was constantly working and rarely really present. Two phones in my hand/bag all the time. Calls during family meals out and even on holidays once or twice.

So I decided to stop. I first took a slightly sideways move into a less pressurised role (with a pay cut) and then my next step was one below my old role.

I have not regretted it for a second. It's still a high pressure, fast paced role, sometimes I'm working nights or at the weekend but it's not every night and every weekend. I don't have the same level of board exposure so no panicked 7am or 11pm phone calls. The work itself is not nearly as taxing so I perform well with much less effort.

I dropped my kids at school (for as long as they allowed) and had good chats with them on the way. They can do more activities and hobbies because I have more flexibility to accommodate them. I haven't missed a school event in five years. When my eldest started secondary there was an adult at home when he got back every day.

Does it occasionally sting to see former colleagues promoted above me into really high-status roles? Sure. And there's less disposable income than before.

But my god it's worth it. I'm so much clearer in what my priorities are: work enables me to have a nice life with my family. And I've learned first hand that more money doesn't automatically enhance that nice life if it comes with more work and more stress.

Have a plan. Are you investing enough to get out young? On 150k you should be able to invest 30% and still live well especially since your partner earns too. If your employer does pension contributions you could get close to the max annually, or split some into ISA for availability. Everything is bearable if you have a plan, it’s the drift and affluenza that get you.

I don’t know how accurate your claim is though. Did the nursery say your bill has gone up to subsidise others or have you assumed that? Perhaps their costs have risen - inflation, salary costs. Not all nursery fees are that astronomically high or have seen such dramatic price rises. Many nurseries charge parents for food etc to cover costs that the funding doesn’t. Have you checked companies house to see how much your nursery is profiting?

It sounds like a genuinely miserable existence, op, and I feel for you and also for your kids.

I earn 45k working from home, never work over my hours unless I choose to to earn flexi time to book days off. I’m happy as anything with my lot in life, own my own (4 bed) home with a mortgage, single parent, kids late teens now.

i stayed at home then worked p/t for years. I wouldn’t change anything about it (and I got divorced).

Because people hate taxation and the rich throw a strop at the thought of paying any more , the government can’t afford to fund many things properly - and with both nurseries and care homes it’s pretty obvious that they are charging more to the richer people to help cover the gap

so the rich pay more either way but at least it’s not taxes

There was an email at the time with a grid of prices. They said that the expansion of free hours plus higher NI charges meant the fees had to go up. There had been push back from parents on the consumables fees for the free hours, so they were further increasing the hourly cost and reducing the consumables cost. The baby room costs was further increased (as parents had to pay this and couldn’t use free hours).

We had to pay that for a while (six weeks notice by the way) but us and some of the other parents chose to move our older children to a school nursery and pay a nanny. I’ve also moved my youngest to a cheaper school hour nursery and nanny combination. It works out cheaper, but also we’re really happy with the combination and it works well for us and the children.

But like someone else said, the funded hours are leveraged onto the cost for people that aren’t funded, for things like childcare and care homes

That’s exactly what I’m saying! I agree with you. We will all make different choices. Some are happy to live a frugal lifestyle. Others want a luxury lifestyle. We are never all going to choose frugal lifestyles to become asset rich. Only some will do this.

My original comment was in response to someone saying that boomers have passively became wealthy because of the increased house prices. I was just saying my dad worked hard for it… while others fritter away their money on frivolities … no way is the right way. It all depends on your values and priorities.

Not judgemental at all. My description of the spending was factual 🤷‍♀️ I loved this guy, he was a lot of fun and enjoyed riding in the sports car. It was his choice. Like it was my dad’s choice how to spend his money. I was simply explaining that it’s not always the case that high earnings results in wealth… and my dad managed to create a lot of capital out of not very much due to his discipline and investing young. More difficult now I know

It’s nothing to do with discipline and everything to do with opportunity. I’m sure we’d all love the opportunity to be disciplined and turn £1.50 into 2 million 🙄

Or think of it as take money at the point individuals can no longer spend it vs when they are in their highest earning years when they also have the highest life expenses, help control house price rises a little bit, have money to fund social care where everyone loses some of their savings vs some losing nothing and others everything?

If you save and invest for 50+ years compound interest does magical things. Most people have the opportunity to make lifelong savings, starting with small amounts.

We’re in a tricky spot in the U.K. because to expand coverage and increase the quality of care, education etc would require increasing taxation and that’s a political death sentence so the government is forced to push the pennies around.

People want improved services but don’t want to pay for it. Wealth is globalised and the rich can easily evade taxation. The stock markets have been doing so well whilst the working and middle classes attack each other scrambling to divide the scraps.

You’ll be in a much better position once your kids are out of nursery and it looks like you’ve already found a more affordable solution, with your original comments now coming across as somewhat disingenuous.

As a modern example we have a share investment scheme at work and 5% of my salary goes into it every month (2.5% I salary sacrifice and 2.5% my employer matches). After 23 years of that I have about 1.5x my current annual salary for having invested 1/3 of my current annual salary over those 23 years (so for every 1k that went into the scheme I now have 4.5k in shares). It grows faster now because the dividends all get reinvested for more shares.

Some people I joined the company with never joined the scheme and some used it as a fund to cover Christmas or an annual holiday once they had kids. None of us are wrong as it’s our money to use as we choose and as the kids get bigger we may well cash some in for a one off experience sometime too (let’s face it you can’t spend it once you are dead) but it’s a good example of how value compounds over time. In my case as it’s very tax efficient I’ve effectively lost about £350 of net pay I could have had in past salaries for every £4.5k I now have in shares. I didn’t really plan to keep it but just there was never anything we had to use it for so we left it alone.

How is incentivising people to die with nothing going to help anyone pay for care?

If you are going to tax people "when they can no longer spend it" anyone with any sense will spend it while they can.

It’s not disingenous. It is slightly more affordable now in term time, and then obviously we have to pay a lot more in the school holidays. But we had to pay that for months, and some parents have had to continue as couldn’t get a nanny or couldn’t have the uncertainty of scrabbling around for alternate childcare in the holidays. That is the reality for a lot of people. Between £100k and £150k, with two children in nursery, you don’t see a penny of any pay rise until you hit £150k. That can’t be right, when those people are paying thousands every month

In tax - sorry pressed send before I finished!

Of course some will but many won’t. They will want to live in their houses, pass money on to children etc. Alternatively those who spend it all you raise extra VAT and you give the economy a boost.

I feel for you having to pay so much taxes. Focus on savings up, investing and maybe some sort of exit strategy

I had something similar, huge US company, did the share save thing when I joined, never thought about it much but didn’t miss the cash as I’d never had it. I put 10% of salary in over 13 years.

after 3-4 years I sold them all as we were buying a house and needed the cash. Restarted the contributions, the company went through a huge growth period and the share price rocketed. I sold them last year as share price seemed to be peaking, I had a significant sum which I have invested abroad.

I get the thing about feeling trapped. And parenting through thier early years - nursery and then the unwritten demands of primary school to juggle it all is very hard particularly on working mums. I wonder if you can look at it differently- have a plan. Well done for earning well. So why not earn really well for x many years, drive down the mortgage and then when ur kids are going through exams and teenage years - you will make the change then to be more present. I do think that children needs when they become young people really need thier parents to be present. And certainly in 10 or 15 years uiu will likely be the boss and be able to change those outdated cultures in the workplace that don’t suit working parents. I do agree with other folks that have recommended therapy - it might help you understand what is driving these feelings.

Yes exactly. I’d personally never have managed to save it if the money was just sat available in a normal account but as taking it out of the scheme is a bit fiddly and not instantly visible I forget about it most of the time and when I remember actually stop and think before spending it so would only take out for something similar.

I guess as long as you have any capacity for discretionary spending then if you are disciplined enough to put £10 or whatever in some form of stocks and shares based savings every month you similarly don’t miss it that much and it will most likely grow significantly mid-long term. I’d find that hard to stick to though whereas the share scheme was so easy. We were saying the other day if we do one more 5 year fixed rate on the mortgage when we renew next year it’ll mean we are ready to renew again just as eldest goes to uni and by that point we could pay remaining mortgage off and then use that money to very comfortably fund the kids through uni and have a few years with some very nice trips away pre retirement.

Why wouldn't be able to return?

Where is your partner in all of this?

Are you doing it all and paying for it all?

I think some people completely underestimate just how exhausting commuting is.

An hour each day is a lot.

I would choose a small house, bank extra money for that two hours every day.

The big house an hour away is not worth it IMO, it is simple a golden cage of your choosing.

Can you seriously look at making different choices before burnout and health issues make choices for you?

I appreciate everyone’s perspective and can’t answer everyone individually But am listening to all the replies.
those saying just sell up and downsize. It’s not so easy to just move house overnight. People are saying this is s situation of my own making? Meaning what’s the point in having a successful career?