Disillusioned when earning 150k

[Littlezonedout]

I know these threads cause trouble, but this is how I feel. I can’t help but wonder when does the merry go round stop. It is worth it waking up crack of dawn, kids to breakfast club, nursery, after school club, run home, make dinner, bed, bath. Glass of wine because I’m exhausted.
if I stayed at home I’d save 20k on commuting, wraparound childcare, cleaner, gardener, etc.
fine, I can afford a house, but the maintenance, the upkeep, the bills.
not sure why I’m ranting. Know I’ll get pulled to
pieces. Just exhausted

A 'normal' data analyst does not earn £350K @PunnyPlumPanda
Be interested to know where and for which company. Maybe a data scientist but they'd need to be working for an investment bank or maybe google etc and a managerial role.

I suppose you have opted for a certain high standard of living and are now running to keep up maybe?

At £150k monthly gross salary is £12,500 per month, how did you pay £13,000 between tax and nursery. People won’t have any sympathy for someone exaggerating their tax liability.

Can your DH/DP become a SAHP? Do you have much equity in the house? Can you buy a lower value house in the same area?

Failing that, live in childcare?

Have a look at some local authority roles in your new area. They are often hybrid/WFH and you would cut out commuting costs, a lot of tax, be eligible for help with childcare costs...

That monthly figure is a years salary for many. I can't get my head around it.

You shouldn’t ‘lose’ any employment benefits by staying/ going part time. They should be the same as full time workers or pro rated.

To be a part time worker - to be anything really that is important to you - you need to be hard faced and care nothing for anyone else’s views. Unless you think they’ll try to get rid of you, ignore the negativity and concentrate on your own priorities. Working mums have to be tough in a sexist world.

You won’t want to take on anything else, but if you’ve got any capacity ( and AI can help with much of it) you could be sly and see if there are any industry or similar awards for excellent / flexible / pro women employers that you could volunteer to try to secure for your workplace .,,,,

I'm afraid you're not doing this.

You have said something like you're quite happy with your job - I can't remember the exact phrase but you don't love it. You're commuting loads, working loads.

You don't have to do this. What's the point of spending your children's childhood working so much in a job you don't love and feeling unhappy?

You've bought a house and lifestyle you can't afford without massive sacrifice. It's just not worth it.

You could make some decisions now. Move to a smaller house with a smaller commute, move onto a lower paid job with a smaller commute and less pressure. There are ways you can get out of this if you want to.

Your kids will benefit from a happy mum.

Ultimately only you know if it’s worth it. If it really isn’t you surely have some options between sticking exactly as you are and jacking it in entirely and earning £30k doing something else?

Clearly you won’t want to share too much detail but even niche roles typically build skills that can be applied more widely. In my work we have loads of people earning £50-75k doing data analysis of various types. It’s based in the north so cheaper to live and there are plenty of roles that are hugely flexible. I work from home 3 days a week & can choose to disappear for a couple of hours for school stuff then work in the evening & similar.

Do any options to move geographically and do something broadly similar on that kind of salary range exist? If they did would you even want to? Assuming you have a decent chunk of equity you would likely find you could buy a very nice house in a cheaper part of the uk for a lot less money. Of course long term you’d be less wealthy when the kids are gone and you retire. There is always a trade off

Op, your numbers don’t make sense, 10k a month tax is 120k a year, from a 150k salary, why would you pay ten k in tax?

You could change your lifestyle and move, it won't be as disruptive as you imagine. But what will feel hard is that you've created this image of your life that you want and it isn't living up to reality.

Stop comparing yourself to others, that wil never make you happy. Of course there will always be people who get an easier ride but many more who have worse.

I'm not a mega high earner like you, just a teacher but my children are teenagers now. I made the difficult choice step back and be part time so I could be present when they were little. I worked 2 days a week when they were really small, then 3 days a week. I had to drop my additional responsibilities at work and spent 13 years living in a pokey house while all our friends made the jump to their dream homes, I drove bangers, scrimped and saved.

Being part time and earning just enough money to pay the nursery fees was shit because we had no money. It was also crap at work, I felt left out of everything. And looking after two small children while my husbands career took off was hard too, I felt envious of his success.

However, I have so many wonderful memories with my children nd a great relationship with them. In a flash they are growing up. The eldest one is about to begin A levels and is talking about University. I am back at work full time, back in the slog with a promotion, on relatively shit money for the hours I work because I'm public sector but that was my own foolish choice and I stuck with it for school holidays which I have undoubtedly benefitted from. Inwouldn't change it for a second. Looking back it has been so fleeting and I am glad I took the time to enjoy it. I dislike working full time and how all consuming teaching is, once both kids are done with education we plan to downsize our (now much larger and more expensive) house and drop the relentless jobs.

Only you can decide which version of your life you want but the reality is most women can't have it all. Neither is the right or wrong choice. I just thought you might like the perspective of someone who let their career slide a lot. If you step back from your career now when they are young you would have time as they grow up to retrain in a new area.

Not really comparable, if a yearly salary is £13k that person, particularly in a similar situation as OP with 2 kids, will be hugely topped up by benefits, both in terms of direct payments, child benefit, childcare tax subsidies and most of the childcare paid by UC.

FWIW op I wouldn't do it if it were me. For me the money would not be worth it. Particularly as so much of it would go in tax, national insurance, student loan, pension (ok you will see that back if you don't die early), childcare and commuting. I mean what is your net take home compared to your salary?

Could you do the same role but 4 days a week instead? I bet you wouldn't find you'd lost significantly more money and you'd feel a lot better.

I know what you mean, OP, but some of us (I mean me) do that on half your salary!

You could apply for a career break or sabbatical, and ask your mortgage company to restructure your payments until your children are a bit older?

*Could you do the same role but 4 days a week instead? I bet you wouldn't find you'd lost significantly more money and you'd feel a lot better.(

Jesus, no. A 4 day week is usually worse - you end up cramming in 5 days of work into 4 or still logging on 'for a bit' on your day off. Your brain never switches off from work on that day.

Where is your dp in all of this? Cant he/she do school drop offs/picks up or have more flexibility? When our dc were younger, dh and worked four days a week each so could do two days of drop offs and pick ups between us and then negotiated a later start or earlier finish on some of the other days.

What do you do when your kids are ill?

You have to think long term.

Are the kids suffering long term damage if you are always on the treadmill? If not, I'd suck it up.
How much damage is there long term to your earning potential if you step away? Be realistic - having money makes life so much easier.
I was on £250K but gave it up when DS was 3 because he really needed to spend more time with me and I was worried about long term impact on him. Took a break. He changed, became more confident, started school. I went back to a £80K job 18 months later and it took 7 years to rebuild earlier earning capacity. It's fine because I was above the breadline, but it's a financial calculation everyone should make.
You have to balance the long term damage to the two.
But if I was the only one suffering, I'd suck it up, because it passes and things get better.

A four day week works perfectly well in some roles.

I think your catastrophe a little bit there people can always move back in particularly if it’s an industry. Your knowledge won’t disappear overnight. You could give a new job six months and see how you get on.
Or if it’s not the job, but it’s the employer that that’s fairly easily fixed if you’re in an niche
Could you go self-employed or consulting?

It sounds like you particularly resent your employers stance on presenteeism - was there wfh during covid which has now been revoked? I agree with a pp up thread re modelling the behaviour you want and disregarding colleagues who make remarks.

I wonder if proposing to up hours to 4.5/5 days but take 2 wfh gives you more work life balance, as you are more present/have less commute on another day AND you’re upping your salary to move away from the sharpest drop off? Could be time-bound (eg til youngest is out of nursery) or whatever?

Most people are on this hamster wheel in some way, I suspect you’re just afforded the luxury of being able to question it more because you have more flexibility to downsize your life if you wanted. People on a third of your income are doing it for survival, you’re doing it to afford a higher standard of lifestyle (this isn’t judgemental by the way).

There are options, you could work in my organisation in the public sector that does a lot of data analysis, you’d be able to WFH, own your diary, and generally have the most lenient levels of flexibility you could reasonably expect, but the max you’d earn is around £80,000-85,0000 (assuming you were top level before getting into the director level roles, which wouldn’t be doing data analysis).

I personally went for the balanced approach choosing the flexibility and £85,000 salary which alongside my DH’s salary and not living in London still affords us a good life and genuinely not very stressful.

I’ve hit my 40’s and perimenopause is killing me. I’m totally exhausted most days. My kids attend bf and after school club only on one day and my DH does the drops and pick ups that day. The rest of the days I drop and pick them up. But this means my days are packed tight as I take my lunch break at a later time to pick them up. I WFH full time in a role which is very busy, fast paced and often stressful.

I was thinking exactly what you are thinking, is it worth it if I am so tired! I earn about 1/3 your salary. DH earns the same as you, sometimes more due to extra shifts. But he does hardly any chores as he leaves at 7.20 am, returns between 5.30- 7 pm and says he is knackered. He also works a few weekends so then he is working for two weeks continuously without a day off. So I am sure he is tired. He does the dishwasher daily and the bins weekly. He also does pick and drop kids from bf and after school on the one day they attend. I do everything else. I have outsourced a lot by getting a cleaner, gardener, window cleaner, handy man when required. But I am still exhausted.

Need to get my iron levels checked again as the last time they were abysmally low! Not sure what the answer is. Maybe frequent holidays or breaks to make you feel it is all worth it?! That is the only thing keeping me going. I have done Portugal, Malaysia and India this year already.

I’m in the same ‘trap’ @Littlezonedout and have been since the nursery years, it does get easier as they get older and start school and the nursery costs drop off (we immediately redirected that money into mortgage overpayment and 7 years later it’s made a huge difference!).
I think understanding the silent pressure of a high paying job can be difficult, not only the day to day expectations of the employer but also knowing that as an expensive resource you could be first to go if the company needs to save money and that there are not many roles generally paying those salaries so finding alternatives mean massive compromises (I lived 10 miles away from my ‘big job’, got the chop, took 6 months to find the next role which is now 60 miles away!) Also there is a huge disconnect with what lifestyle a £150k salary could facilitate 10 years ago versus what it does now, especially down south.

OP, there are a few things to think about here.

I think that your unsupportive employer and unhelpful colleagues must wear you down. They sound quite toxic, tbh. Unfortunately you'll have to ignore them, unless you decide to change jobs.

Remember that nursery doesn't go on forever. Things get easier when that expense disappears - and logistically easier when all kids go to the same place of a morning.

Can you get a nanny instead of nursery/wraparound care? That would reduce your domestic load significantly. Ditch the gardener if you need to save money and put it towards the nanny instead. You could also reduce pension payments for the time being although that might be disadvantageous from a tax perspective.

Stop guilting yourself. You're allowed a career.

Set yourself a deadline. If you still feel this way in, say, a year, then think about a new job and work on an exit strategy.

You're just having a dip in energy and attitude. It will pass.

It won't be forever. You know you and your family will be better off in the long run. You cannot reduce your financial outgoings and you cannot reduce your commute. Your life is busy, but a lot of us have been there. Always enjoy your kids and their company, no matter how busy you are. Stay organised with chores and routines to release as much leisure time as possible.

Make sure you get plenty of quality sleep. Skip the wine, as it damages your sleep and go to bed a little earlier. Make your commute enjoyable with an audio book, Alexa/spotify in the car for music, or a good radio station.

Remember to enjoy your kids. Children are wonderful creatures.