Disillusioned when earning 150k

[Littlezonedout]

I know these threads cause trouble, but this is how I feel. I can’t help but wonder when does the merry go round stop. It is worth it waking up crack of dawn, kids to breakfast club, nursery, after school club, run home, make dinner, bed, bath. Glass of wine because I’m exhausted.
if I stayed at home I’d save 20k on commuting, wraparound childcare, cleaner, gardener, etc.
fine, I can afford a house, but the maintenance, the upkeep, the bills.
not sure why I’m ranting. Know I’ll get pulled to
pieces. Just exhausted

I don’t know if this is too much of an out there suggestion (and one I might get slated for) but if you’re paying that on nursery fees then you can afford a nanny.

This gives you tons more flexibility and removes the pick up / drop off drama from your day so you can also spend more quality time with the kids.

Most Nannys will also do cooking and cleaning, pick up after the kids and light housework so when you come home you don’t have to do these things and can enjoy the time with your children.

I work full time in a high pressured job, both kids now at school, and there is no way I could have kept my sanity without hiring this help.

You forgot the gorilla in the room - you are being taxed to shit, whilst being kicked in the proverbials for it.

What??

Our combined income is about 50k op and when our son was at nursery, before he was 3, it was almost as much as our mortgage per month.

He's at school now and no we don't pay for before/after school club because he can't attend because of additional needs (he wouldn't cope) We get no top up benefits, just dla for him which helps pay for therapies, sensory stuff, classes geared up for additional needs kids. We both work - not Big Jobs with long hours because we need to be around for him and need to be able to function on very little sleep.

I'm (genuinely) sorry you're feeling stuck. I think many people are. It doesn't seem to matter how much people earn now, life is just A LOT! I think especially as parents, it's like you work all the hours then feel guilty you're not present or feel so frazzled and pulled in every direction. Or you take the step back to try and get more balance but then you worry maybe you're not providing enough or future proofing as much. And everything in between!

I guess what I'm saying is, it's fine to feel how you feel. And I hope you come to something where you can get more of a balance and stop feeling like you're on a wheel. Honestly at this point I feel like at some point the wheel it's is close to breaking for many!

But please don't be another person telling those who are also juggling everything and stuck on their own wheel, on half or even a third of the money, that they're somehow not as hard done by.

This - I don’t earn as much as you (but earn a good wage) and also do four days in a job that is 9-5 but due to commute/lack of flexibility, my kids go to wrap around.
I really don’t enjoy the school drop off and pick up on my day off. My kids enjoy wrap around as they get to play with their mates and it’s a more relaxing start to the day. They’ve made lots of friends there from different classes.
So don’t feel bad about it OP as the kids will just reflect it back to you.
Howeber if your job is draining and stressful and you are exhausted, that is a reason to look at a move. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

I make quite a bit more than that and feel exactly the same way. It shouldn’t be this hard on objectively high salaries.

And yes, I know that a lot of people do it in much less.

I am in a near identical situation. Whenever any dares to mention it I loudly remind them that Im paid less because my working hours are shorter.

If its a peer or someone more junior i'll also point out i get as much & more done than they do, in fewer hours.

People don't comment any more and ive stayed on the 4 days for 8 years.

Parent life is hard. At least you have money to soften the blow and buy help/ conveniences.

If it's really too much, consider reviewing your budget so you can go down to 4 days a week, maybe spread over 5 to ease pickup/ drop off.

You downsize and live to your means?

She's already doing a four day week.

The problem is that she's committed to a mortgage that requires her to keep earning this salary, and a house an hour's commute from work. She could solve her problems by downsizing - selling the house and moving somewhere much more modest - reducing her outgoings.

Um why? I earn this and your tax and ni is half that.

This is the reality of many (breakfast clubs, afternoon clubs,being exhausted)...and they don't have the money for a cleaner and gardener, so they need to do it themselves despite being exhausted. You surely have plenty left after paying for all of that so you have it way easier than most!
Can you reduce your hours?

I think you can make changes but the reality is that you’d have to give something up, and it’s whether you’re prepared to do that or not?

If you’re a data analyst and earning £150k I’d presume that you’re pretty bright. You might need a career change that allows you greater flexibility whilst also giving you some kind of work fulfilment. You might need to move to a house with a smaller mortgage. You might have to use some savings whilst you retrain.

Having watched / am watching many mothers in the same position as you I also wonder whether it’s worth it. Obviously no judgement at all if they’re happy with their choices! But many of them seem, and say that they’re miserable and I do wonder what’s the point. So you’ve got more money in the bank than me, but you seem deeply stressed and life is totally passing you by.

Its such a fine balance for working mothers. We want careers so we are personally fulfilled and aren’t trapped at home, but we also have a deep instinct to be with our children. I’m a strong believer in wherever possible curating your life to work for you. Sometimes that’s really hard because, like you say, you’re caught up in the merry go round and it’s impossible to find the time to take a 360 look at your life, or you simply have no other options. But you are in a place of privilege because you could make a change if you wanted to. Even recognising that would give you some freedom.

Everybody does that and the majority are on a whole lot less doing it.

School drop off and pick ups are the worst, I hate having to do them on my non working day.

OP I am a single mum and earn considerably less than you. I also have to do all the things you describe but I got a WFH contract so I could balance everything - it's still hard but I live to my means, compressed my hours and out source some things. Despite what they say you can't have it all, we all make choices and you have choices and free will. You find another job and cut your cloth accordingly or you carry on and ask your work for flexibility (or not). Life is hard sometimes but it will get better.

You need a village. If you don't have one then you need to hire one. And if you don't want to hire one or can't afford to hire one then you just have to suck it up for a few years I think. A heatwave is not a good time to make grand decisions though.

We earned around 120 joint in London, due to age getting on the property market we couldn’t afford a house where we had built up support.
One had to leave at 7am the other returned at 7:30pm and there was generally just so much to do all day long.
It still felt like money wasn’t enough, we had to be so much more careful with little things than I ever thought on that salary.
We moved out, live in a low cost of living area due to family links, earn less than half of the previous income now only from one salary and our lifestyle in so much nicer!

It’s not the income. It’s the full time nature of the job + commute + parenting young children. I have significant responsibility with lots of direct reports and have huge income targets. I earn just over 40k.

I have no choice but to carry on because my pension looks terrible and state pension age is now 67. But I’m already in my fifties. I’m trying to aggressively pay into my pension and investments. On £150k I would ensure that I lived a life well below my means so that I could invest invest invest and get out the rat race earlier. Can you concentrate on this and have an exit plan for 15 years time?

Sympathies OP. It's pure shit. As it happens... I started out in investment banking with a very clear trajectory towards a very high earning future. I lasted two years before I burned out. This was way before kids. I used to be in awe of my friends that lasted.

For those who are saying "but you choose this", it's really not as simple as that. We all just do the best we can given our circumstances. At every point along the way, we try our best. My best simply wasn't good enough to stay in banking. I was literally exhausted. But I am totally grateful I didn't make it five more years and had babies. For most of us, having babies traps us into a particular life.

I don't have any advice - just solidarity. I do second the call to look into a nanny. Also - this is probably the worst it will be for you. You are probably completely and utterly exhausted. The kids will get older. Life will become less relentless. It's possible also that you are depressed and that the life you live is depressing you. If you really are trapped, then SSRIs can be life savers. They helped me deal with living a life I had created but was not completely trapped by.

Sorry if my maths is off but you earn £12.5k per month and pay 10k a month tax and £3k nursery fees? Well give up work, you won't need nursery and you will be £500 a month better off. Oh hang on you will also get child benefit for 3. You will be quids in.

I forgot commuting costs so even better.

This is slightly naive though, not least because often in order to earn anything like £150k you typically need to live in or near London which means high property prices. OP is already commuting an hour, generally to reduce her property price she would have to move further which then puts more pressure on the daily commute.

Then there’s the fact than usually the expectations of a 40k role and a 150k role are staggeringly different. You’re generally not leaving at 5pm on the dot to go do a budget food shop and make a meal, there ends up being an additional set of costs because the work expectations are so much, taxis, takeaways etc things to free up the time needed for work.

How did 10k tax in one month happen?

I’m in an almost identical position. Two young kids, work full time, earn so much that I have lost my personal tax allowance and have to pay in full for childcare, don’t earn enough to afford a nanny or buy a decent house in London so have a long commute.

I don’t have a solution, it’s really hard. Try to remember that it’s hard because you are doing something hard, not because you are bad at it. Also try to give less of a shit what people at work think of you. Be unapologetic about taking time off for sports day, commuting in after school drop off and working on the train. Think of it as role modelling good work/life balance for the next generation of younger colleagues, if that helps. Otherwise the cycle just continues.

Read The Mother of All Jobs by Christine Armstrong, this book helped me hugely.

Bonus month I’m guessing.

I stayed at home till my youngest was five. It was fun. But it's a long time ago. However, my immediate thought over women working when they have children is that the revelation that women were doing unpaid work to support capitalism has not resulted in wages for housework (the aim, I think) but in capitalism monetising what had been considered women's work. Capitalism always does this, turning something which was freely given and made lives happier into a way to make a profit - it's a feature of neo-liberal capitalism the aim of which is to make profit out of everything and marketise everything (hence private for profit childcare, surrogacy, etc).

Bit misleading to give figures based on that.