Disillusioned when earning 150k

[Littlezonedout]

I know these threads cause trouble, but this is how I feel. I can’t help but wonder when does the merry go round stop. It is worth it waking up crack of dawn, kids to breakfast club, nursery, after school club, run home, make dinner, bed, bath. Glass of wine because I’m exhausted.
if I stayed at home I’d save 20k on commuting, wraparound childcare, cleaner, gardener, etc.
fine, I can afford a house, but the maintenance, the upkeep, the bills.
not sure why I’m ranting. Know I’ll get pulled to
pieces. Just exhausted

@Littlezonedout I’m out of the loop when it comes to nursery costs, but years ago when I was at the height of my career (an industry also heavily focused on presenteeism and absolutely not family friendly) and we had also moved to a more rural location I hired a nanny/housekeeper as opposed to nursery and it revolutionised my life. Is this an option? IME, Little kids adapt but need you to be happy and caring, not a stressed, shouty version of yourself. Little Kids need you to show up for the important school events, not every single morning drop offs. When they get older as teens I found they actually need you more in terms of emotional support and just being around - by which time I had the luxury of being in a position to be able to tell work what I was prepared to do rather than ask. It all does get easier I promise, but right now you’re stressed because you’ve moved, possibly got buyers remorse over that decision and recently had a baby ( I assume after mentioning maternity leave leave?) It’s a lot.

You need to prioritise yourself for a bit to work out what it is you want. Downsize the house if you want to stay put in your area but with less financial pressure or move back to where you were. You tried a move, it hasn’t suited you in his present form so change things up. There’s no shame in admitting something hasn’t worked. It’s Either the house, the location or work. Consider your options - Try a different firm where presenteeism isn’t the norm. Start your own consultancy in your niche specialism. Work as a contractor in your field of expertise. You do have options. I suspect given the time you have been posting at, you’re exhausted and no one thinks clearly on minimal sleep!

You’ve got this. Back yourself. And you should be sharing all of this mental load with your other half. Having an honest conversation about how you are feeling should be your priority this weekend. I hope you feel better about everything soon.

If your work is making you unhappy, it’s time to find a new job.

If it’s data related, I’m sure you have very valuable transferable skills.

Ultimately you are in a better situation than most re level of income, and making it lower still won’t improve your worries around money.

I agree the nursery thing is a massive pain in the arse and effectively makes a third of your income pointles due to loss of benefits. That in itself does make all the extra effort feel a bit futile, and of course doesn’t deliver any additional lifestyle benefits.

I’ve come to realise that it’s time rather than money that we should be aiming for. Obviously enough money to facilitate that time. And the issue is that that is near impossible now.

Unfortunately I think the rat race has stitched us all up like a kipper. So many people do what you do that house prices and everything else has gone beyond what they used to be. The amount of money spent on other things that simply didn’t used to exist adds to this. (Eg subscriptions for multiple tv platforms, mobile phones etc)

No matter what level of income and house price it feels like we are all forced to sustain it the way you describe. But we are all time poor as a result.

You have made your choices like everyone else does.

I worked evenings and weekends until mine were at senior school, in a middling paid role. My sacrifice was not being able to save as much as I wanted, or live exactly where I wanted.

If you are unhappy with your choices you need to unpick it all and see where the sticking points are.

It does get easier once the children are out of nursery and then again when they don’t need child care.

One thing I do know is that other countries (specifically Japan actually) subsidise child care heavily, especially in the early years. Friends who live there were floored by how much we were paying.

Pleasantly surprised this thread has not torn you to shreds

... yes there is "a trap" vibe to it.
I myself have enough that I'd "lose" a lot but equally you do wonder wtf am I doing this all for.

I got a financial planner when youngest was 1 its the best thing ive done - i see clearer what the plan is and when I'll be able to tap out.
I do think it also helps me not "look at others" I have my own path, I'm executing my plan.

I got a lot of judgment from some quarters about my job (they are only little once, dont you miss X, paying strangers to raise your child) but these are the same women who think its funny tee hee hee we drive an 8 yo Runaround.

My financial plan (if I can keep the train on the track means i'll be home for the kids from when the oldest is about 9/10 and around for the teenage years) this is my "best available option".
Because if I stoped now i'll likely never earn this well again and never get back into the industry. So we spend 9k per month to stand still and pray it gets better once the kids are in school which honestly I not sure it will since wraparound and pick ups and drop off seem insane.

Your dh does need to lean in though or it will eventually all fall apart.

If it helps in any way, a friend with three kids said that colleagues had found the kids needed her more in terms of actually physically present and able to listen, be there and do things during the teen years.

See a coach of some sort and work out a long term plan to work towards making some sort of change.

I’d hope you have a shit hot cleaner on that wage. I feel guilty every time I need to clean and Hoover etc but the kids are around and asking to do things.

I feel for you OP. You need a ‘wife’. That support that big job people have historically had that takes care of everything outside the big job.
Is there any way to get live in support rather than the patchwork of child care that is so exhausting to manage? A nanny or even an au pair who can drive?
And what is your partner doing in all this? If you have one.

Did you max out on your mortgage or have a high one? You've got more than one child? That in itself is expensive, and they won't always need childcare.

Try doing all that on £38 000 pa

Isn’t this just life with small kids? I see parents earning minimum wage and feeling the same as you do. It’s one of the reasons I chose to never have them - too much of a tie, too much stress and too bloody expensive!

The "pressure" of a 150k salary is a choice made by those who earn it.

I think see what the new prime minister will do with taxes . It may make the decision easier because anyone with your level of income will be in his sights .

Going against the grain somewhat but yes I think it’s worth it. The baby/toddler years are a hard slog balancing work and your day sounds like mine used to on much less money. However, once you’re out the other side, you’ll be financially strong, and in a good career position having not taken a break.

Unless you are at breaking point, stick with it. Enjoy holidays and treats where you can take them to keep you going.

Doing school drop offs is over rated.

lots of people don’t make mum friends and hate doing them.

my kids still remember the after school club because of the fantastic jam sandwiches they made.

being there for your kids comes in many ways but doing the school drop off and pick up isn’t necessarily one of them.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp it’s when they’re into clubs and sports etc that we are finding it complicated. Their social lives suddenly can get really busy around age 7/8. Though it’s also a godsend if they’re able to have friends over and play well together.

My eldest missed this stage due to Covid (he was 7 in 2020) and actually a lot of his mates simply couldn’t come and do play dates without it becoming ridiculously wild because they’d missed out on learning the boundaries there. They all do sports together and it seems to have been simply how they have to socialise. My eldest is perfectly able to with the right character but hardly any of his friends seem to be able to. Now bloody cricket matches appear to be weekday evenings all over the place (used to only be weekends). Luckily dh is committed there but it means juggling a lot of unpredictable logistics.

Youngest (8) is developing a good social hangout habit. We’ve been through a couple of wild play dates where I had to be there the whole time and boundaries were drawn and now it’s lovely and they can hang out while I get on with random crap that needs doing.

It was the talk of the local area when the after school club stopped doing jam sandwiches

Also, both mine have made more friends, made loads of different crafts and got into playing football due to the after school clubs. (Neither were natural football kids)

You are clearly not happy….you only have a very short time on this ball of clay….the children will be grown and have left home before you blink, trust me it happens right under your nose and you will be far too busy to even notice…people will try to tell you but you will most likely shrug it off. Pull back, enjoy the time with your children and most importantly take care of yourself! The house is just bricks and mortar, simply material things…not important to have the big house etc etc etc. I would happily go back and live in a tent if it meant me having the chance to do it all over again. In a heartbeat! Nothing is more important than your health and happiness…NOTHING. I do hope that you are able to work it all out and make the best decision for you. Do what you feel is right and follow your heart. Good luck and take care. Xx

My heart bleeds for you 🙄 get a grip and some perspective on life please

You've trapped yourself by buying a house you can't afford which ties you into commuting for two hours per day. This is the problem - not that you earn x amount, but that you've commited to live an hour from work and borrow a huge amount of money.

Are you a single parent? If not, is your partner doing 50% (it sounds as though you're doing both ends of the day with drop off and pick up)?

If you're unhappy you need to reduce your financial commitment by downsizing radically and moving somewhere more modest closer to work - then you can stuff all your money into your pension and cheat the system (legally) or just take the career and benefits disadvantages and go three days a week at work to get the subsidised childcare you're eating yourself up with bitterness about.

You're trying to "have it all" at the moment - the house was the mistake and the millstone around your neck, without that you could have the same options as every working parent - it's a bit of a world's tiniest violin situation if you "can't live without" the house an hour from work which you need to be earning 150k to afford the mortgage repayments on.

The obvious answer is to think about transferable skills and start looking around for alternative career paths. Or even just ‘a different logo’ as you put it - the culture doesn’t sound great in your current place so you could find another employer with better more flexible policies and agree to hybrid role. WFH some days would
make a huge difference to your life.

The drastic option is a cheaper house to release some of the financial pressure - kids don’t care where they live they just want their parents.

You say post maternity so I’m guessing you have 1 baby and 1 at school which is a really tough combo.

longer term could you swap your day off for an early finish most days? Thats when I think you get most ‘value’ with the kids, not at drop off.

I agree with others, this isn’t about how much you earn, it’s just life as a working mother. It’s shit. I earn less than half what you do and it’s still shit. I think the only way out is if you can somehow work less. But then you have less money. It’s difficult. Society has royally fucked our generation over I think. We need two incomes because of housing/cost of living. Yet children still need to be raised. I have no answers, just solidarity.

You mentioned maternity leave? Is this a recent return to work? I always found that adjustment particularly hard.

This was me and DH once and we ended up selling up and moving to a rural but much cheaper location (different part of GB) and now I run my own company and wfh mostly. I earn a small salary compared to what I did but the cost of living here is so much smaller and I have got off the hamster wheel. Bit of a big life change, not for everyone, but worked great for us.

I’d accept that I needed to move house and downsize. There’s nothing on this planet that would make me work full time with kids, I think it’s usually miserable for everyone involved, but especially mum.

@SquirrelGG I don’t disagree - and everyone will have their own experiences but the reason I put myself in those shoes if it helps broaden your scope somewhat….

My dad was a controlling prick who financially and physically abused my mum. The charmer then killed himself so there was so life insurance payout. He then secretly funnelled his will into extended family so my mum was left with three kids and no career and no money. His last “fuck you” to her.

I watched her fight tooth and nail to build any semblance of a normal life for us and work her arse off. But still, sometimes we were hungry (she was starving), we all wore second hand (kids are cruel) and we missed out on things because there was no money or no means of transport. She got us into a really good place.

So I am where I am because I don’t want my kids to ever feel the way I did as a child.

The pressure of turning up to work for £35k then raising three kids is a world apart from earning £150k and raising three kids. But I can give them the life I didn’t have.

You don’t know Ops story or why she’s chosen this path. She’s fucking tired @imtootiredforthis and she’s allowed to be. She works hard and is raising kids. It’s a phase of life. Some empathy wouldn’t go amiss.