AIBU to say no to my teenage daughter?

[NoTeaForMe]

My 15 year old DD wants to go to the beach tomorrow with a few friends (school is closed due to the heatwave). It’s around 1hr 15mins away by train and they want to stay all day. Trying to give bare minimum facts, what would you say?

The other parents are being irresponsible IMO. Don’t be swayed OP

To be picky that’s a year older than my DD. They’re in year 10 not 11. But also it’s the heat that’s the issue. Yes, the sea too but the heat mainly.

Is it a beach with lifeguards? That would make a difference for me. I’d much prefer my kids at a lifeguard manned beach than other water areas.

The train could be an issue though depending exactly where you are.

It gets cancelled and? how on earth did parents raise kids in the past without neurosis?

do you have a garden they could all come to instead! Paddling pool shelter food on tap and toilets!

No. I was a bit shocked when my 17 year old went down the river at 5.30 this evening. It's too hot.

We live 2 minutes from the beach and tomorrow, like today, will be indoors with the blinds down, house cooled overnight as low as possible, drinking water. The temperatures are exceptional and many people don’t realise the dangers of sunstroke and heatstroke coupled with severe burns. We’ve seen first hand the emergency services being called to deal with the above. Not party poopers but just aware of the dangers - it’s not just a day to go to the beach. You are not being unreasonable.

Was that with her BF's family? How old was her BF when she was 15?

I would say yes, based on the following:

• it is agreed exactly which train times she will use to come and go (ideally buying time specific tickets)
• she is required to "check in" by text every couple of hours (eg "thats us just arrived x")
• she applies spf 50 sun lotion under your gaze before leaving.
• she takes spf 50 spray with her and promises to re-apply every 2 hrs (just after she texts you)
• she takes water with her and promises to sip it throughout the day
• she has some money with her, to eat and in case of some emergency
• she feels confident enough in herself to undertake this day out
• she understand that, if she f*cks this up somehow, she wont so much as walk to the end of the street alone in future

I would bet money she will totally ace it and show how responsible she is, under these reasonable conditions.

And I am an authoritarian, patriarchal ogre - "a man" - if I can give her a chance, so can you!

When my daughter was in Primary 5, she came to say her friends were going to shops about 15 mins walk away, and asked could she go too? I asked how she felt about going - she confidently said she wanted to go and so I consented - but we agreed which exactly way they would go and return, in case I needed to look for them.

Having spent a couple of hours on a train today, the air con was broken and in fact for some reason the heating appeared to be on, I wouldn't recommend train travel. There were lots of cancellations too. I'm not even in the extra-hot area.

I’d so no I think, it’ll be very hot and very packed But then again I would have done it when I was 15 and it was fine. It was never this hot admittedly

I am in Australia and had this exact issue with my DD16 last summer when the temp was going to reach 41 degrees. I initially said no way but she kicked up such a stink I let her make up her own mind after explaining heat stroke, sun burn, skin cancer and skin damage risks. She sensibly decided to stay home. I think the main issue was she wanted to make her own decision and made the right one once control was given back to her.

I'm assuming all of the people saying 'no' because the heat is a 'risk to health" never go on holiday abroad.

It would be a definite no from me for so many reasons. And if you get the “all my other friends are going”…my standard reply is “but I’m not their mum. I love you more than I love them. It’s a no”

Not all teenagers are idiots. Some of that will come down to who they are as individuals, some of that will come down to their upbringing.

If the conditions are a concern, they're a concern for all, regardless of age.

If OP's daughter isn't sensible or hasn't yet been educated on the dangers / given the freedom to learn gradually, then that's something else.

But a 15 year old absolutely could be perfectly safe to go on this jolly (provided the conditions aren't the issue).

I would say yes.

If you know and trust her friends and her, and they understand how to avoid sun and heat stroke, then I would be fine with it. Will be cooler by the sea and they can dip regularly to keep cool.

15 is the time to be doing these things!

No

This sort of heat is going to happen more and more frequently.

I assure you that the good 15 year olds of warm countries manage to prevail. Unless she is going to be locked in a car I cannot see what on earth you are fussing about.

Good grief. She is 15 not 5!!!

It’s not the heat.

It’s that she’s out of your control. And in a year’s time there will be another issue that means you won’t be around her every second of every day. And so you’ll have another reason.

When our children are tiny we know they will walk and fall and cut their knees. And that’s hard and painful. But it’s also how they learn. If we go the other way and cushion them too much, they can’t make any decisions to do anything unless they have parental or coach approval.

Definitely on my watchlist,

Oh do give your head a wobble. I have never heard such a pile of sanctimonious crap.

You love your children more because you wrap them in cotton wool. Dont be so bloody daft!!!

There's your answer, then. Absolutely reasonable and rational conclusion. Explain it to her in those terms - you / other adults wouldn't do that tomorrow, because of the conditions, and as a fellow human being the same safety concerns apply to her. You can do the whole "I know you're old enough to understand this now, so I'm glad it won't be an issue like it might have been when you were younger". If there's push back then "Your lack of understanding shows your immaturity and lack of appreciation for the dangers which only further justifies my decision".

It's much cooler by the sea.
As long as she has sunscreen she'll be better off than where you are.

Id let her go with a parasol, suncream, a rash vest that must not be removed. My dd 15 is sensible and she'd stay shaded and hydrated and cool.

Literally in her first sentence Mystic Meg.

Yep. I absolutely do when it comes to situations like this. Nothing sanctimonious about it. You’re allowed to say no to teenagers you know. And yes. Just a bit of balance.