AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

[Converselyit]

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

It sounds like you're repulsed by your husband bringing along a woman with a somewhat chaotic, unsettled situation with him because he had a child with her and you resent him. Yes, her life will affect yours because they share a daughter and you married him. That resentment will grow and spread to his daughter. This is a man who seriously wants more kids and you are sad and repulsed at the thought of having known ds with him.

Individual therapy. Figure out if you really want to stay in a marriage where you're repulsed by his past and how it affects your present and unpick these complicated feelings. You're either going to have to come to terms with things you don't want to deal with or end the marriage.

I think you're over-thinking this and need to come at it from a different angle...

SHE is the unstable one. So questioning her parenting and suitability as a parent isn't being snobby, it's being sensible, as a child's welfare is at stake here.

Your DH was trying to help an old friend and got caught up in the moment, probably somewhat coerced by her, that resulted in his DD being conceived. Nothing more. He certainly isn't unstable. He just made one mistake 7 years ago and it is really unfair to punish him. Everyone makes mistakes at some point.

And no, you will never be the biological parent to DSD, but what you will be is the stable "mum" in her life, the one who listens and cares, and the one she will come to rely on more than her biological mum one day.

Why on earth did you marry this man when you are so heavily judgemental of him. This was his history when you went on your first date and it would have been very easy to just walk away then.
I think having a baby with him in these circumstances would be a dreadful idea.

I didn’t feel like this until recently. I was aware of his history, and I accepted that this is what happens sometimes - people have children outside of relationships. It’s not something I’d do, but after DH had had sex with DSD mum, it was out of his hands. He made a reckless decision and there was consequences. I admired how much he was involved with his daughter and how he was as a father.

over time, maybe with the drama from DSD mum, I’ve felt more and more uneasy about it.

i always wanted children. I thought I wanted them with DH. But now it’s come down to it, I can’t shake the feeling that a potential child is bringing brought into this frankly odd set up.

that’s why I’d be happier if it was his ex wife or partner. He’d have at least some respect or history with her, he’d know about her, what she was like. Now it feels like this random hanger-on who doesn’t parent properly but influences our lives. I’m judgemental I know.

Sounds like you're making excuses, dramatic excuses, not to have a child with your husband. So basically you don't want a child with him because he's already had one? Very odd. SD wasn't brought up in a loving relationship so yours would be totally different. My husband had a child full time when we met. It didn't put me off wanting a child with him. The language you used in your OP was very very strong in a negative way. I get the impression your husband isn't the husband for you. Maybe address that first.

Your subconscious is telling you something. He is not meeting your expectations. Who you thought you married is not matching your expectations of standing his ground for his daughter. Is the mother controlling the situation because she has the child custody? Are you thinking or mulling over about the welfare of the child you want to bring into the world and how him and this situation will impact your child ( protective instinct)? And you cant express this to him perhaps? Is this where the sadness is stemming from? Is he trying to be between love/ care for his child with this woman and trying to meets your needs too?

I think I understand it more from your later posts. It might be judgemental but you can't tell your brain to stop worrying. So let's consider some of the worst cases.

You have a baby and you and your husband need to take full custody of the stepdaughter for her safety. It's messy and chaotic with a very upset child in the middle of it and you having to be mum to two kids.

Or another scenario: your poor stepdaughter hits the teenage years and her unstable upbringing means she has mental health issues and expresses this through difficult behaviour. You have younger kids and you don't want them around her but your husband is torn.

These scenarios might not happen but I think it's what you are really worried about. So the question is, if they did happen would you regret choosing to be with him? Do you feel your relationship is worth it and you can face any challenges together?

It probably is going to be chaotic but there are no guarantees in any family. It's a really difficult one and I think your DH is going to be blindsided by this.

I think you need to talk to a professional to unpick your feelings. At first it sounded like jealousy but this now feels like a deeper fear.

The point is this situation is never going away. It might get better. It might get worse, but it’s not changing or going anywhere.
And yes, it can happen in biological families as well
But why invite drama?
You’re a woman that’s completely unencumbered. You don’t need to accept this situation.
I wouldn’t, and I wouldn’t want it for my children

It sounds that you probably need counselling or you will ruin the relationship with your DH.

I voted YANBU because I think your thought s are very genuine. I also appreciate the fact you are really thinking about this situation and if you're ready to have a child with your partner. Too many children are born "accidentally" so I think it's great you give it some thought .

This is well above the mumsnet pay grade. My advice would be to talk to a therapist. Maybe there is something deeper. Then, under their guidance, I’d talk to your partner.

My daughter was unplanned. We were long term friends who got a bit too drunk and.. well we have a child together. I didn’t have much contact with my family so I was worried I wouldn’t have the support. He wasn’t great during the pregnancy and then she was born early. Even now - years later- I get resentful I didn’t have the pregnancy I wanted. But that’s life. It doesn’t always go how we’d like it to. We just have to make the best of it and change our view of what we thought we’d have.

It would have been nice for you too to share firsts. It will be new to him to have a partner he cares about raising a baby together as opposed to the odd scan here and there. You’ll get to plan a Nursey together, pick babies first outfit etc. Your SD will also get to be a big sister which can be so exciting for her and lovely for you to be a part of. There will be loads of firsts.

I have to be honest, I cannot understand the problem. You are upset because he had a baby with someone before you, but wasn’t in a proper relationship with them at the time?

Therapy might be helpful but honestly you seem very judgemental and hung up on being “first”. Life is messy and sometimes shit happens 🤷‍♀️ when DSD is older she’ll be told the truth in a safe and appropriate way, her parents were friends or had been, they weren’t in a relationship but ended up making a baby. I don’t think it’s traumatic to appreciate families and babies come along in a myriad of ways?

Is your DH a good dad? Kind, present, safe, loving? If so, then massive green flag for stepping up the way he has and being a source of stability for his daughter. You can judge DSD mum all you like but essentially they had sex because they wanted to & consented. I don’t think it’s deeper than that, he had sex with someone you think is less the desirable, he’s married to you now!

Ultimately I thibk if you want a family then focus on building that. Make memories that are yours and don’t compare to his ex.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

exactly this - he didn’t have a baby with a woman he loved/s (although he loves his daughter) - with you it will be completely different and like the first time because he loves YOU

If you both love each other deeply enough to bring a child i to the world then his experience of a new baby will be a completly new and loving experience. Your dsd will be over the moon to be part of a secure happy loving family.
You need to get over your own feelings or whats the point of being in the relationship if you feel this way .
Maybe he does need to know your feelings so you can talk about them and lay this feeling to rest x

So sorry for how you are feeling. It sounds confusing. Do you think counselling might be helpful?

I knew that for me was a non starter to have a child with someone who already had kids (knowingly). I never went as far as having a relationship with such a man let alone marry him. I understand your feelings; as PP suggested it’d be best to talk to someone independent (therapist) and explore why?

I think the way he behaves as a father is the most important thing here. There are plenty of men who have never had children with anyone other than their spouse and yet fail miserably as fathers. I think yabu to hold this against him. If he were a shit dad to dsd I’d say don’t do it.

Maybe if you try to mentally reframe this that your husband has a proven track record as an excellent, involved father you will be able to look at it more positively. You knew he had a child when you started dating him and were still prepared to give him a chance and he has shown you that he is reliable and a great partner to you. He will be beyond excited about the whole pregnancy because he loves you and wants to have a family with you. Given all the feckless, non committal men out there, you are lucky to have found a good man so try not to let his past worry you.

I understand your feeling of claustrophobia. At a time when you want everything contained and child centered, your DH's past decisions mean there is always going to be a loose canon in your lives.

I think you need individual therapy and couples therapy. If this relationship needs to end it would be better sooner for the child's sake.

I don’t blame you for feeling this way at all. I would feel the same.

Has your partner ever talked about marriage and could that reassure you? I could only imagine having a child with a man I knew wanted to make a commitment to me, I would feel too exposed otherwise, especially if he already had a child.

Your hesitancy is your gut telling you something. Listen to it, but also talk to him.
It would be instructive to see how he reacts when you discuss your fears.

OP - I assume you had the conversation about having children together before you married? What did you say at this point?

Bearing in mind that DSD is 6 and your DH has been in her life I assume all that time?, when did you meet him - how long ago?

Has DSD's mum always been erratic and used DH as a childminder outside the one week on/one week off or have they had different arrangements over time?

He must feel torn - I say that because it sounds like he'd rather look after DD than wonder where her mother will dump her instead. I fully understand how frustrating the whole situation is for you, getting married is supposed to be a wonderful experience but living in the marriage sometimes isn't what you expected especially when his sort of ex appears to be dominating your lives with her couldn't care less behaviour.

Sometimes the new partner/wife is the one that suffers most, they think they're getting someone they always dreamed of but in reality they inherit their problems too and although trying to support their new other half they realise that they're actually half the problem. Things can soon go downhill and even in marriages where there is no baggage, once the children come along the dynamics change - the trouble is you don't know that until you're in it either.

I completely understand not wanting the complication of a blended family and I’d avoid it like the plague personally, but that doesn’t seem to be the issue here? I don’t really understand what you’re finding difficult about the fact your partner wasn’t in a relationship with the mother and how that’s contributing to your feelings?

I feel sorry for your husband he's literally done nothing wrong, he's stepped up and been a great dad which unfortunately not many men do, i think that says more about his character than a one night stand, or who that one night stand was with. I dont know why your judging him for things that are literally beyond his control.

Anyway you need to talk to him and decide if you can get over it, he wants more kids if you dont want the same thing he deserves to know