AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

[Converselyit]

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

I'd be the same. Snobbery or not, I'd feel there was something very unsavoury about this woman and DH's history with her. She will always be part of your lives, and unless she miraculously turns her life around you'll embroiled in all her dramas. You're already affected by her problems with childcare, child protection, alcohol, criminal associations, social services...

Do you really want to live like that? Does your love for DH conquer all? I'd be thinking very hard about my next move OP. And it definitely wouldn't involve having a baby with DH.

Although your husband reconnected to his daughter's Mum via social media, I'm assuming they didn't meet up regularly or have any kind of in-person friendship? Did your husband know what this woman was truly like before having sex with her? From what you're saying, it appears he didn't or at least wasn't aware how bad she is. Yes, he chose to have sex with her, and yes I assume contraception wasn't used or failed. He made an error of judgement, and if he probably could go back, he wouldn't have chosen to have sex with her (no matter how much he loves his daughter).

Your husband could go for full residency of his daughter, if he's concerned with her living with her Mum. If he hasn't taken those steps, then why not? He can support SS, continue to provide his daughter with as much stability as possible and love.

You can't change what's happened. You can blame your husband for making a mistake, but how long do you hold his decisions against him? Your step-daughter's Mum is a shit parent, who puts her own wants and a man before her daughter. That's never going to change. Equally OP, you married your husband knowing all of this information.

OP, why shouldn't you be judgy?
I am about what you describe.
It's all very low class behaviour, from her and him.

I would be appalled if my daughters got involved in such a situation, much less married into it.

I would be similarly appalled if my son had sex with a vulnerable old school friend who needed his help, and it resulted in a pregnancy where he was one of 3 possible fathers?

I know my husband would be beyond appalled at our sons lack of decency and judgement in the situation.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having standards of expected behaviour that you believe in.

You have met and married him and become a stepmother very quickly, perhaps too quick.

As for him being broody🙄, I really wouldn't pay that much heed.

Choosing the father of your is a big decision and not one you can take back.

You are not unreasonable at all to look carefully at the character of whom you are choosing.

You cannot help feeling what you feel about this situation.
It certainly isn't a conception story I would be sharing of getting misty eyed about.

Its all rather distasteful and it now becomes part of your story and the family story of any child you might have.

Definitely explore how you are feeling before trying for a child.

Your feelings are valid and so understandable.

Hmmmm OP I think you have unresolved issues from your own Dad. It's concerning that you 'can't be in the same room' as your DH. I'm in the same situation with my grandson being accidental and my son bitterly resenting and disliking the Mum. But in fact I like her shes a goid Mumand we get on well so that's v different.
Consider couples counselling to get to the bottom of this. You sound like a caring Stepmum and would obv make a lovely Mum. Your DH doesn't seem to have done anuthing wrong imho.

How did you feel about this when you got engaged? And between the engagement and the wedding? How long was the gap between these two things?

This is the kind of thing it would have been really important to think through before getting married. But even if you did think it through and thought you had made peace with it then, or if you avoided thinking about it, you still don’t have to destroy your future because of your past.

If you made a mistake and this is no longer the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and have children with, you don’t have to.

It doesn’t matter if it feels awful for saying it or if DSD is a lovely daughter. You have one life, don’t tie yourself forever to a future that you don’t want.

While you’re very right to keep in mind he has another child to worry about and that he will sometimes have to prioritise over yours, it’s not truly an issue unless you make it so. My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage, we have 2 of our own. It’s never bothered me in the slightest and I must admit I don’t understand why or how it’s an issue for you. if anything you’re lucky to be able to see what kind of Dad he is. I worry that you feel this way because you have idealised and unrealistic ideas about relationships and parenthood, and a blended family isn’t perfect enough for you.

You are looking at a negative that is really not bad. He supported his baby after a 1 night stand. Many men would have walked away. He has his child more than most divorced men do and jumps in when the mum can’t be bothered. And now he is keen to have a baby with you. All planned this time. He sounds amazing to me.

Hi op at the end of the day most people have a past and in this case he’s got baggage he’s a bloke he was offered sex he took it with consequences but also has a beautiful dd from it. Which you love. I think your over thinking the ons he had no scruples but stepped up as a father and if it wasn’t for him doing this your sd could have had a terrible upbringing. Op she may also love the idea of a brother or sister ask her how she would feel. Maybe therapy might help you get your head in the right place first you don’t want to have a baby for the wrong reasons. Also things will be different with your baby as it will be there all the time he is still only a part time dad to dd. If anyone should be miffed it’s the mum she got 1 shag your getting the whole package. You are married and you knew about ons then so I don’t think it’s fair to judge him now. Also her mum is a nightmare but you’re giving her the love she needs. She might eventually end up with you full time if ss get involved again.

@Converselyit Do YOU want a baby? If the answer is no - or not sure - don't have one just to keep your husband happy.

This time 1 million
If he wants lots of children, he can stay at home and look after at least 50% of them
You do the first six months of maternity leave he can do the second

I have read all your answers and would say this.

Your husband had a ONS, owned up to it and, accepted his responsibilities. How many other men have not regardless of circumstances.

How many women do you think have a ONS. Certainly perhaps not as many as men however, the reality is that it happens on both sides. Technically given they had a relationship from their extreme early teens it probably was not.

He is no doubt trying to keep the peace with the Mother of his child. It sounds very much as if she has major issues stemming from childhood and teenage years. He got caught, he stood up and is still dealing with it.

If you love your DSD so much, have you thought of seeking 100% custody given her chaotic lifestyle and subsequent partners. Have you even thought of that, let alone given it as an option to your husband.

Was he even there for the birth, sounds not given DNA needed to be done on two other potential fathers thereafter. Why would you even consider that should affect you now.

It sounds more like you have an issue not your husband. Do you actually want a child or are finding excuses not to have one. If you were as secure in your relationship and loved your DSD like you say, then it would not matter one bit.

The onus is on you not him, not his ONS and certainly not your DSD.

Your problem seems to stem from the fact she was probably his first love and you are not. It does not negate his love for you now and wanting a family. He married you and did not stay with her despite the pregnancy. That should tell you everything.

Get over it, move on and be a happy unit or, as they say now, a blended family.

If you can't do that then leave, and let a very good man have a chance at having a proper family life like he is asking for.

Good luck at whatever age you are now finding a man that has not had a first love, is without kids, actually wants some and, more is the point wants marriage.

Look your gut is telling you something here, albeit too late, but it’s worth taking a step back

personally, I think your concerns are valid. This isn’t how you envisioned your marriage or pregnancy/parenthood to be. He did possibly have sex with someone he hates for the sake of it, someone who was known to be vulnerable and chaotic etc. and it’s valid for you to feel that it she would be disruptive in future / be disruptive to your own children

but ultimately this may mean the end of your marriage, given you can’t stand him atm it’s probably a good thing to split up before new kids are involved

I don’t understand why you got married to him if this is the case . Surely you discussed the issue of having children before getting married . Anyway now that you are in this position I would definitely not have a child with him . You are in no rush and he shouldn’t pressure you . Leave it a while and see if your feelings change .

I managed to find a good man who was in his early 40s and had no children - I had two from a previous marriage (about 6 and 9 at the time).
We are now married with a 6 yo daughter.
His first and last (he's had a vasectomy).
Don't think we'd be wanting any more at 45 and 50!! 😆

So why did you marry him then if you can't stand him?

Hi, OP. This is quite complicated, and you would benefit from finding a good counsellor to helo you disentangle the various threads in this situation and understand your feelings.
You don't have to deny how you feel because some posters on here are telling you that the situation is not bad. It is about your valid reactions, whether or not other people think you are reasonable or not. A professional advisor is what you need here. Please don't get pregnant before you have sorted this out in your own mind.💐

I do understand a little where you’re coming from. My Dh has a daughter from a previous marriage. We all get on ok. No issues. I didn’t feel the way you do now when we had our son but I did get a little upset when his ex wife gave us a lot of baby things she had kept from when they had their daughter together. It was lovely and well meant by her. Lovely things etc. but it was things they picked together for their baby. I get upset and it felt irrational really but it isn’t.

however, if you want a family with your husband and children. Don’t put it off just because he has done it before. He did it before with someone he had a one night stand with not with his wife. He might have gone to scans etc but there will be so many things he will do for you and with you that he wouldn’t do with someone he wasn’t in love with, nighttime cuddles with you and bump (not in this heat), foot rubs, spending nights together and just being there. It won’t be the same experience for him.

take care and think about the positives if this is something you really want.

I am sorry that you are struggling with these feelings OP. From previous posts it seems you are not alone. But try to set all the baggage around the circumstances of DSD’s conception aside and focus on what you want. You love DSD which is wonderful. Do you still see DH as your life partner, and do you want children with him. Once you know the answers follow your heart.

I hear what you're saying, but remember - that first experience he had might mean that now he really wants to engage with your pregnancy, in a way that he might not have done so well if he'd not 'learned' from having his first child and that tricky experience of her not being planned.

A lot of men do it badly when they have their first child with their partner, and then try to make up for it by doing really well with a second child. I'm not saying he did it badly - I know you said he did all the right things. What I'm trying to say is that he might genuinely be so excited and engaged with your pregnancy especially because he knows it wasn't perfect for his first time round.

Hope that makes sense. x

This is one of those threads on Mumsnet that leaves me absolutely baffled. I cannot believe how many posters are trying to convince the OP that she should have a child with this man despite the way she’s feeling. So many posts saying she needs therapy to overcome these feelings or that she’s just idealising parenthood and should accept this situation.

OP I don’t understand how you got yourself into this situation in the first place. How can it be a shock to you now? But, you can absolutely call it a day here and say “this
is not the life I want.”

I don't think this is the sort of issue that should have a vote.

If you want to have an abortion for any reason that is fine. You don't have to go through pregnancy and labour to suit anyone else. Contact Marie Stopes or your GP to talk it through. Think about the advice you'd give another woman and put yourself first.

That said I don't think it would be odd for a woman who conceived a child after a ONS to want a second child when she was in a secure, loving relationship. So I'm hardly likely to think it would be odd for a man to want a child in similar circumstances.

Absolutely this.

The two situations are so different, they're really not comparable.

So many men turn out to be shits once children come into their Iives- at least you've seen how he is with his daughter and know he'll be a responsible and decent father.

Because she didn’t feel like that when they got married ?

Maybe it's not really those things, but that you just don't feel he is the man you want to have a child with - if at all.

When you're not ready or decided that you want to, his constant 'when are we going to have a baby? I want loads of them' sounds more like pressure from him than anything to do with the child he already has.