AIBU to accept my parents' £1m+ gift when my sister gets nothing

[ForEagerRobin]

My parents have recently told me they want to gift me assets worth just over £1m while they're still alive. It's a mixture of investments, funds and cash.

The problem is they don't intend to give my sister anything.

My sister is absolutely furious and says I should refuse the money unless they split everything equally between us.
For context, we had a very happy childhood. Our parents were loving, supportive and provided us with every opportunity. There was no obvious favouritism.

As adults, however, our relationships with them have been very different. I see them every week, help them with shopping, appointments, paperwork and generally make sure they're OK. They're in their late 70s and increasingly need support.

My sister has never really made much effort. She can go months without seeing them. A recent example was when they needed a lift to the airport. She was free and lived closest but simply couldn't be bothered. Another relative ended up taking them.

My parents are very hurt by this and have told me repeatedly that their decision is based on years of feeling ignored by her.
The thing is, I don't actually feel responsible for their decision. It's their money. They're mentally capable, fully understand what they're doing and have made their views clear.

My sister says that may be true, but by accepting the money I'm endorsing their behaviour and choosing money over my relationship with her.

My response was that turning down £1m doesn't magically mean she gets it. It simply means none of us do.

She says a decent sister would refuse it on principle.

DH thinks that's easy to say when she's asking me to sacrifice something that could transform our children's futures.

So AIBU for thinking this isn't my decision to make, and that refusing the money out of "solidarity" would be completely irrational and stupid.

I care for my sister but she has thrown away her life by herself. We came from very good backgrounds with potential, she chose to waste that. I am now in my 40s, I live a very modest life, DH is an engineer, I work for civil service I’ve been in the civil service for almost 20 years so I have worked my way up. I am not a luxury type of person, DH and I share a car, it’s over 10 years old we bought it brand new XC90 it does the job very well, our children are at private school but it’s not eton it’s very affordable and does the job too. They’re doing very well at school, we go on 3 holidays a year, we invest for them each year we save from them a certain amount tax free and my parents top that for them. They do the same for my sisters children. My sister has no bothered to do anything for her children. All the savings they have is from our parents which is quite sad. What kind of parent has children when they can’t save for their futures. She has a new car all the time, lives wayy above her means yet nothing to show for it just new things all the time. Conspicuous consumption. She is pushing 50 and has wasted her potential now wants to cry to me. We are both oxbridge educated, went to very good private schools, the world was our oyster.

So you quietly split the gift with your sister an dyou say nothing

Have you suggested they skip your generation entirely and leave everything to the grandchildren equally? Surely that's the obvious and fairest solution.

Shouldn't you be working right now? I'm not one to moan, but hopefully our tax isn't subsidising your Mumsnet time?

That’s right and I’m the one in the middle. I have had multiple discussions with my father but he will not change his mind. I can’t do anything about it as of yet, it’s a lot of processes to go through before I even get the cash and the investments. I do not plan to just cut out my sister but right now I cannot do anything.

Either way their investments and savings were meant to go to their children it’s not something new that’s always been the plan. The same way my investments and savings will go to my children that is all set up and they each get equal amounts from DH and I. I see the errors of my fathers ways but I’m not him I can’t change his mind I’ve tried. He is of sound mimd and has been deemed able to make whatever decision he wants.

If he has paid for her kids schools and uni, then that's a substantial amount over the years. Why does he not just gift you that amount?

I’m flexi I do not work on Wednesdays not everyone works Monday to Friday that’s the whole point of flexible working you choose what works for your family and lifestyle.

Stop defending yourself. You will never be able to satisfy the perfect women of Mumsnet.

Take the money, of course you should take the money. Your kids should be more important to you than your sister.

Everyone here will wank off virtue signalling, but if actually faced with a £1m choice they would take the money.

It is easy to say you wouldn't when you dont have the option.

Mumsnet hates anyone who has their shit together.

What kind of parent has children when they can’t save for their futures.

If only those with enough income to save for their future children had children, the birth rate would be a fraction of what it is!

And loads of people, probably the majority of parents, can't afford to save for their kids when they first had them, but as their careers or businesses took off ended up being able to help them financially later on. My parents, and those of many of my friends, were in exactly that position.

Ok, and what about whether you've suggested the grandchildren option to your father?

You are soooooo not responsible for your sister doing the wrong thing. She did not support or help your parents. You and your DH did which really comes across as real love and concern.
Give her nothing, she deserves nothing! I am in a similar situation with my sibling who lives abroad. They own two houses, yachts (yes plural!) and can’t be bothered to keep in touch with them even though he was the favoured one growing up.
I call my parents at least twice a week and see them as much as I can as I have to fly from the UK to a European country where they live. But I do it because I love them and want to make sure they are well. My DH speaks to my Dad every week and yet his own son doesn’t bother!

OP, did you say your DF has paid for your Dsis' children's school fees and uni? This is quite significant. Did you say she had 3 children?

Assuming it wasn't boarding school, day schools are probably £10k per term on average (assuming it's not London or one of the top schools). So £30k roughly per child per year - £90k per year for all three - x 14 years of school = well over a million he's given her already (about 1,200,000 by my rough calculation). Then there's uni in top - including their accommodation costs I think you said...?

So can this not be framed to your DS as, "I paid for your kids education over 14 years. As Im not doing this for 'ForEagerRobin's" children, I am giving her family the money instead in the interests of fairness among the grandchildren?

There seem to be a lot of perfect mums on here judging me. I'm not perfect, and I've never claimed to be. I was simply giving examples of things my sister has done over the years. I thought Mumsnet was generally against infidelity, or is that only when it's men who do it?

I never said my sister was an awful person or somehow less worthy than anyone else. I love her, and I've always supported her, but she's made decisions that weren't great, and I don't think it's unreasonable to acknowledge that. She spent money on cars worth more than school fees and then later asked for financial help. She could afford those things at the time. She also ran off with a married man. When that all fell apart, I still supported her. She stayed with me many times and I never turned her away.

I've always been there for my sister, but I can't honestly say I've had the same level of support in return. I had a stillbirth less than a year ago and received very little support from her. Even so, I've continued to be there for her because she's my sister and I try to understand her. However, we're not in our twenties anymore. At a certain point, decisions have consequences.

This doesn't mean I wouldn't share money with her. In fact, I'd much rather my dad let go of his resentment and include her in the inheritance. I've spoken to him about it several times, but he won't budge. I don't want to be stuck in the middle of all this, yet somehow that's exactly where I've ended up.
I'm not perfect, but I've always made time for my parents. They're my parents, for goodness' sake. What else am I supposed to do? I watched my parents care for my grandparents in their later years, and I always thought that's just what families do. Helping them doesn't take away from my own family. I live close by so I'm able to help when they need it. I might be the odd one here but it brings me joy, DH struggles not being able to see his parents as much. They live in the states we go as much as we can because it brings him joy to see his parents. That’s probably also where my perception comes from, a lot of people I am surrounded by are in contact with their parents as much as possible and often want to go in and support them. My cousins do the same for my aunts and uncles to us that’s just the norm it’s what you do it’s not an expectation but if you live close by it doesn’t hurt to go do the shopping or go take them out for a coffee etc.

My parents are in their seventies and eighties now. They need support from time to time, and I'm happy to provide it. Nobody forces me to. My dad has been quite ill recently, which has understandably taken a toll on my mum. They've been together for fifty years and built an entire life together. I want to be there for her because I've always been close to them both.

They weren't perfect parents, but they did their best. At some point in adulthood, though our own choices become our responsibility. I have my own life and my own children, and they influence every decision I make. My sister has always lived rather differently. She continued to do what she wanted regardless of the impact it had on others.

There were periods when her children chose to live with their father and wanted very little to do with her. It was heartbreaking for her, and I did everything I could to support her and help repair those relationships. They're young adults now and make their own choices, but they aren't particularly close to her. There have been times when they've come to me with problems instead of going to their mother. I've always encouraged them to speak to her because I don't think that's fair on her, but sometimes they've refused.
It's things like that which shape my perspective. I've never claimed to be perfect, but I have always tried my best for my children.

As for people complaining that I don't work full time, I honestly can't remember the last time I worked five days a week. I have children, and naturally my working life changed when they came along. In terms of education and holidays, my husband works too and earns considerably more than I do. That's why we're able to afford the things we can.

It was probably ignorant of me to describe our lifestyle as modest. My perception is influenced by the people around me. Within the wider family, we're probably considered the poorest. We have cousins who live far more extravagantly than we do. That's the context I was speaking from.

I've already apologised for being ignorant on that point, and I accept that criticism.

I'm an Oxbridge educated accountant. I've spent 35% of the last 5 years looking for work after various redundancies and am lucky enough to have a temporary job, with the possibility or a permanent one. My boiler broke yesterday, and I'm actually kind of relieved because it's not in February. I didn't help my parents out a huge amount over the last few years - this is because we live 100 miles away, had three DC in 21 months and no help as DW's family live over 200 miles away. My sister on the other hand lives 10 minutes from my DPs, her DH has a property portfolio he bought to the marriage, she works part time and they have considerably more time and resource than we do. They have a 2016 Porsche Cayenne but they bought it second hand annd they don't go on quite so many holidays

All this to say; I'm glad you're not my sister, as I can see a parallel here, AS I'd be classified as the neglectful scrubber with poor lifestyle choices and you being the sensible, well organised smug AF cash grabbing judgy-knickers

No that has not been suggested. This is all fairly new and still in talks my father is still speaking to his financial advisor and sorting out things with his POA. It’s not as if I am getting millions tomorrow things could change he could decide to cut me out to which I’ll accept. End of the day he is still my father I love him to bits seeing him getting closer to the end of his life has been tough but hopefully he has at least 10 more years in him. I’d rather have my parents alive than money in cash or investments.

Hi OP. This is unfortunately one of those threads which has produced an awful lot of noise and, in reality, very little of the perspective you asked for.

The relationship you've described between your parents and sister sounds exactly like the one in my own family. To give one example, my sister and I each got gifted £60k to get on the housing ladder with which she bought a three bed terrace outright. Our Dad lived abroad, and when he came to visit she wouldn't even let him stay in the spare room of the house he paid for, but sent him a list of hotels nearby. There were several periods when she went for years refusing to speak to him, for absolutely no reason other than she wanted to show him she could.

During their lifetimes our parents were scrupulously fair, and her attitude just got worse and worse. It was all take, take, take with absolutely no gratitude, never mind the slightest amount of interest in anyone else.

I would not have been at all surprised if our Dad's estate had been left asymmetrically. Most of Dad's friends were actually really surprised it hadn't. I've often wondered how my relationship with my sister would have worked out if I'd been left more than her and the answer is this - it would have made absolutely no difference because my sister was thoroughly horrible to our Dad, that attitude was refocused on me and my family the minute he died, and she has been absolutely vile to me ever since. Her only interest in our wider family is how much money she's getting, and although she won't lift a finger to help wrap up the estate, sell the house and businesses etc she questions absolutely everything I do, regularly tries to wreck my actions and often accuses me of cheating her out of her exact half.

The involvement of money has simply enlightened me that my sister is not a pleasant person even to her own family, that I would not have any kind of relationship with her but for some shared DNA, and that no amount of 'fairness' is going to change that.

The whole situation was sadly reinforced by the death of another distant relative more recently. This one had been mentally unwell for a long time, I lived nearby and had been her carer for ten years. Not a single other relative visited her in her last 20 years. Her will was split five ways, including with my sister. Honestly, while I get that people can leave their estates to whoever they want, when I've been out of the job market for ten years because I'd been looking after her, I absolutely fucking resent that people who have refused to have anything to do with her for decades now phone me every fortnight asking when they're getting their money.

TL;DR: take the money now and don't feel bad about it. People who are horrible will still be horrible even if they've been treated scrupulously fairly.

Hang on - if they can afford to give £1m now, what's the rest of the estate worth? Presumably they're not liquidating everything to punish their other daughter congratulate the OP's lifestyle choices. If they have £1m spare, and they're at that age, I'm expecting property of another £1m + as well as further savings and other considerable assets too

Are they going to be divided equally, or is this the "pull yourself together" test to make sure the OP's DS does as she's expected in order to get some of this

I can't help feeling this is a wind up post. The bragging about 3 annual holidays, the investments and savings, the private schooling, the Oxbridge education. Then criticising parents who aren't wealthy and can't afford to save for their children. Are you saying only rich people should have children OP?

As an aside, if your parents have £1m to give away, why can't they get a bloody cab to the airport? Maybe your DSis resents them expecting free help when they're wealthy enough to pay for things. I think your parents sound horrid and you come across as a bit snobby.

I suspect it's a bit late for that since they want to give the money now, but FWIW I've never known anyone who's made the sister's choices to take this attitude ... IME they just want to moan when others make choices which don't suit

It doesn't sound as if you're especially close to her anyway, OP, so frankly I'd take the money; you can always treat her to something lovely if you wish, providing you make it clear it's a one-off and that you won't become a piggy bank

Something else I spotted - OP congratulates herself (after being given a MN chinese burn to admit that maybe her lifestyle isn't as modest as she thinks) that she's made the best of all opportunities yet also admits that her husband considerably out-earns her. Is her DS married? Maybe he earns a normal amount? I don't think that's something to feel superior over

I haven’t said everyone had to help their parents out. We live quite close to them sometimes to go certain places for our children we pass their house. It would be odd not to call in and just check on them.I’m not judging but some decisions aren’t great there comes a point where as an adult you try to make the right decisions. Running off with a married man isn’t great ? Having an affair isn’t great. What she does with her money is up to her no one had policed that but buying cars then saying you’re not able to afford a food shop isn’t great when you can sell the car and buy another car it’s just her. I’ve always supported her and it’s not as though I won’t give her any cash it’s just that I’d like better for her. She had not been made redundant, she’s quit multiple jobs has been fired for gross misconduct before no one has cut her off when she needed us most but she has taken the mick. Not coming to see dad in the hospital when you’re more than capable to visiting even just for a hour but then asking him for money when he’s out of hospital. My parents have resentment towards her I’ve tried to remedy the situation but there’s only so much I can do I can’t change their minds at all on anything they’re stuck in their ways and that’s that.

My sister isn’t married she is single which is why we have all been more than happy to help her. Helping someone who then chooses to waste it isn’t so great but we do continue to help as she is family. I won’t be cutting her off her inheritance but at the moment the cash/investments aren’t mine yet so I can’t do much.

I’ve addressed that and apologised for my ignorant take. In my family they call us poor it’s all a joke but that is the context i am coming from. Not a great context I have admitted that.

You really don’t seem to like your sister, so you can probably live with the fallout if you accept the gift. Personally I could not imagine benefitting from such a large gift without sharing it, if not with your sister, then in trust for her children.

They can get the cab to the airport but they’re stuck in their ways they’re used to someone in the family giving them a lift to the airport.
I will say DH and I too, I don’t think for the last 15 or so years we have gone to the airport on our own normally a family member just offers to give us a lift to avoid all the hassle.

You’re right maybe she does resent them for wanting help I haven’t said she’s wrong to resent them she’s right in how she feels. She’s not obliged to help them but it’s nice to go see your dad when he’s not very well I think that’s what’s caused this major rift. Domino effect one thing has led to another and that’s what my dad chooses to be most hurt about it. That’s his choice I cannot change that I’ve tried but he will not budge

@ForEagerRobin if it was me - and i have done that in the past with my own parents for a different reason - i would call my dads bluff.

I would say, either you bypass us and gift it all to the grandkids or you cut me off too. No way in this world would i condone my sister being cut off entirely regardless of the past.

i m principled like that yes, but most importantly and i have said before, sisterhood should be celebrated amd your parents must be reminded of that.

there is a karma, i believe so.

but i have read the entire thread and all
your responses, i dont believe at all that you ll do the right thing. Not at all whatsoever. You are so entitled.

I’m not sure what their exact plan is. I’m not his POA my dad has specifically chosen a POA that is not attached to the family and is in talks with his financial advisor. I don’t know the full plan as of yet but I am not planning to leave my sister dry