Sad that Dh can’t make Dd’s show

[Pretendingtocareaboutthefootball]

Dd has a singing, end of year show this week at 10 am, it only lasts around 20 minutes. He says he’s unable to get time off work, Dd is sad and asking him to please come and it just breaks my heart

Probably because most don’t agree with her

Honestly, if she has at least one parent going I think it's ok? 10am on a work day is a ridiculously inconvenient time to ask parents to attend.

We talked quite openly with our dc (from younger than 8) about having to work to afford the things we need. School events were often a juggle of whichever parent could get time off, or sometimes a grandparent would go, once it was our childminder.

It's just part of life I'd say.

Not everyone has the kind of job where they can justify taking time off for something like this. That's life, and you need to gently get your DD used to the fact that it isn't always going to be possible for both parents to attend every extracurricular activity. It's fine to be disappointed but saying it "breaks your heart" is a bit guilt-trippy and melodramatic.

I assume you either don't work or work PT?

Having said that, he does need to play his part. If it's always you who is having to do these things and he never does them that's a problem.

Sometimes it is just not possible to get time off.

For example it’s likely that none of your daughter’s teachers will be able to attend any of their own children’s end of term performances.

8 is old enough to understand that Mum is coming and Dad is very sorry that he won’t be able to but is looking forward to hearing all about it when he gets home.

Resilience is a very important life skill. No ones heart should be breaking about this.

She’s lucky you’ll be there, it’s a shame both parents can go but hardly unusual. We go to as many things as we can but 10am is a crap time, our school does stuff they want parents at first thing straight after drop off. You seem to be blaming him, maybe he’d like to be there and just can’t.

Not all parents can attend every school (or non-school) event. Taking time off, can be difficult as most people only have a limited amount of annual leave. It may not be possible for some people to use the 20 minutes as part of their lunch break. They may work far enough away from home, that it's simply not feasible.

Yes, it's understandable your daughter is disappointed. However, isn't disappointment part and parcel of life, it's an emotion that children do need to learn to accept in life. It would be better to downplay it to your daughter, rather than feeding her disappointment.

My husband couldn't go to every event at school, there were times when I couldn't either. I explained to my son, that it's not always possible for both of us or even one of us to attend every single event. The less you make it a big deal, the less it will be a big deal.

He works. You can go. Some kids have no one to wave to - it happens at Xmas plays etc

I always look out for a friends child if she can’t make it due to work and wave to them so they know someone in the audience

Always felt frustrated with the primary school for putting in so many "opportunities" for parents to come into the school. It fine and great for the kids whose parents can attend but unfair for those whose parents couldn't. It was the same kids impacted every time. DC are very resilient now but I still feel the school let them down.

Interestingly the parents who were teachers always seemed to manage to attend.

Its my DDs birthday today.
She saw her dad for 5mins this morning before he left for work. Hell be back tomorrow evening... hopefully before 10pm.
Is his absense due to lack of care? No. Its just life. He didnt chose for this conference to be this week. He would prefer to be at home.

10am is a very painful time!!

I agree.

I understand that teachers can’t be expected to endlessly give up their own free time for this but sometimes these things are stunningly poorly thought through.

My DD is in secondary school now but her primary school used to constantly put pretty important meetings in for parents (things like curriculum updates) slap bang in the middle of the working day, often with three or four days notice.

I can’t help feeling that many schools do default to the assumption that all families have a person (a woman, invariably) who can deal with these things at the drop of a hat.

I do think the schools put too many things on at silly times

It's sad that your DH can't get time off but that's just life unfortunately, all companies are different, my partner works at a company that isn't flexible with these things so he wouldn't be able to pop out for half hour and see something he would have to book the entire 12 hour shift whereas my company are very flexible and would let me go see the show then come back to work

Most schools allow this, they just say don’t post on SM and only show to your family.

I recently lost a close family member and it was beautiful watching back his old school performances. Stop judging, you never know when someone would cherish watching back on memories.

I film my DDs performances for DH because he too can’t make most of them. I don’t have my head stuck in my phone, I know it’s hard to envision, but is entirely possible to press record on a phone and look at a stage directly with your head next to the camera.

We only ever have one family member attend these kind of things. Me, or DH, or grandma + grandpa if they are in town, or auntie if she’s in town etc.

But I have 3 DC so there is no way we could all be at everything.

Weddings, graduations, big sporting grand finals, and birthdays are the only things that we’ll all attend I think.

I think it's very unreasonable for you to make a big fuss about this. Work > 10 minutes of group singing. There are going to be endless situations where someone can't go to a child's event because of work - if you're there, your child is already ahead of many others.

My husband and I work full-time so we don't always make it to everything. We try to take turns to cover most things, but sometimes we just can't make it work. We almost never 'both' attend something as we'd quickly run out of leave / our workplaces' patience / ability to reschedule everything... etc.

I hate going on my own too.

our school always is asking us to come in - family phonics, teddy bears picnic, easter egg hunt, sports day, end of year shows etc etc etc cant do them all! sometimes one of us comes sometimes neither of us

we've never both made it!

we have always just explained why this is and that sometimes mammy can come and sometimes daddy and sometimes we just can't unfortunately!

She sees that not everyones parents are there too so she seems to get it (she's 5)

What makes you anxious about it? It's not a long thing - just show up, clap, go home. I think if you aren't working then these sorts of things are mostly going to default to you - haven't you been to other things before now? P1 was endless with it - nativity and singing and assembly and visit the class day and on and on.

I'm not sure many events like this are much fun for the adults tbh. If it helps, I bet you won't be the only solo parent there. Plaster on a smile and do it for your dc.

The more events you go to, the more chance you'll start to recognise other parents to chat with.

It’s only 20 minutes, you’re there to support your daughter, you’ll be fine.

Can he not work over and make up the time?

Do you think he can't get the time off or do you think he doesn't want to go?

She’s 8. There are going to be loads of concerts, sports events and meetings that both parents can’t attend. Is really rare we both attended school stuff- we just took it in turns.

you’re making this into a much better deal than it is.

I think one parent there for an 8 yr old singing is enough. I wouldn’t dwell on it. I’d just be breezy and matter of fact. Dad’s at work but it’s lucky I can get time off to watch you. There will be plenty of other events he can go to.

I don’t understand why you hate going on your own? Parents who can go will literally dash in, watch show and clap and dash off to work. Some kids will have no one there, some will have sent grandma etc. I think you’d be unusual having mum and dad there.