AIBU to mention past lack of support over MIL staying?

[ItWasCalledYellow]

Please help me see if I am being horrible. My DH asked me yesterday would I have his DM stay for the weekend as she is discharged from hospital and needs support. I have no issue with her staying except he is away on a trip which was planned months ago,

I said I do not mind helping but had plans myself with our 3 DC which I will cancel. I also said I feel that he never supports me when my parents have had serious health issues in the past and that only his family seem to matter, and it has taken over our lives helping them for prolonged periods and each time I was pregnant they stayed with us as they needed support though their health issues. So today he literally blew up saying I was being selfish and always being dramatic and a load of other thing were said.

I know this all sounds so petty when I write it down. But AIBU to have raised some historic things that annoyed me? I probably shoukd have raised separate to this conversation. I had said I have no issue helping but feel support is both ways. None of his 3 siblings are available to help for various reasons, Actually very upset here that I raised issues that were annoying me and told I’m horrible, now getting the silent treatment also.

You’re the default carer and he’s annoyed that his wifebot is malfunctioning. YANBU but he probably won’t listen

Tell hi. You need to stay with your own parents this weekend because they need support. So his mum is down to him

He blew up because he knows you’re right but how dare his domestic appliance suggest that any degree of reciprocity or effort on his part should be required.

He should cancel his trip unless essential to his job security.

Hi as someone who cared for their mil as nobody else would, don’t do it. Just tell him you can’t this weekend and one of the siblings will need to cancel whatever they are doing.

I will add that I also work full time in a very senior role and I am working right up to Friday evening, he was not annoyed that I said no it was that I brought up history of stuff that annoyed me. I have helped his family so many times and have had them for Christmas and Easter almost every year for 20 years.

He comes home from his trip because you have planned things with kids.

There's 4 adult sibs yet her care is to be dumped on you, an in law? I think not.

He sees you as his parents' caregiver. Time to change that. You are not being unreasonable.

Also, if his mum is being discharged without a proper care plan it is better that she is not discharged - for her and your family. The hospital will take the easy option but you will have little recourse once she is with you if she has care needs. It will be a long hard battle to get help and your dh will not help you fight it

Tell him your parents called and you need to go over friday evening and spend the weekend with him as they aren’t well, if he bitches you tell him you will look after your parents and he can look after his going forwards. Don’t back down.

Is it a work trip he's away for? If it's not, then he should cancel to be there for his mother. Not fair to expect you to take that on as well as caring for your 3 children. If he can't be there, she can't be there.

I agree on all replies, I just wish I brought up being annoyed about historic stuff another time, it has not helped this situation of just saying no

You have every right to challenge him on it. He just wants to shut up and be a free carer.

You need to be kind to yourself. It sounds like this is the straw that has broken the camels back.
it’s you repeatedly being the caregiver to ILs at the detriment of your own downtime and plans with DC.
there are other ILs who aren’t helping and your DH is away. If this trip for DH is unavoidable then someone else steps up.
sooner or later you have to put your foot down or it will keep happening.

So your MIL has four adult children who are all busy next weekend so you need to look after her? I'd definitely say no. I'm sure that at least one of them could cancel their plans for their own mother (if they really do all have important plans, which I very much doubt).

He's a hypocrite if he is never helpful when your parents are involved but he expected you to support his parents with their various health issues, even when you were pregnant. He's taking the absolute piss.

I would help her, as long as she has been decent to you-it must be miserable to have been ill and have no one there (and a lot of people that age might have no family or friends able to provide enough care).
Yes, it's terrible your husband hasn't helped you and your parents out, but that is not her fault.

I would say yes she can stay but dh needs to change his plans and the caring for her.

If he truly is ok with you saying no, then stick to that. He can change his trip, call on his siblings ( or indeed their spouses 🙄)

Unfortunately, when we feel put upon, when that last straw lands on our back, we do all have a tendency to bring up the old stuff, the ‘well you are a bit useless ‘ stuff.

Your DH is reacting to hearing the truth, and realising that you are not to be taken for granted.

I do feel sorry for your MIL , but it’s not you who lets her down.

He can be upset. How dare he think it’s ok to leave you with three kids and his mum to look after whilst he and her other siblings are too busy!

I'd have happily taken care of my MIL but that's because DH loves my mum & dad and is happy to put himself out for them also! Tell your husband it's a two way street. And frankly I think it's ridiculous that none of poor MILs four children have stepped up to look after her!

Who has told hospital that there will be support for her when discharged?

How come if there are 4 siblings you have to do Easter and Christmas nearly every year? Where does your family fit in?

He sounds awful. He should stay home and look after his mum. Women are expected to do far too much caring for far too little respect, gratitude and reciprocity. It was absolutely right that you should bring up the historical stuff as it is directly pertinent to your refusal. You are not refusing to care, you are refusing to do so because it has not been valued or reciprocated in the past. None of this sounds petty or selfish. Please don't let him get in your head like this.

He needs to cancel his trip - surely his mum is more important.

@Pistachiocake yes I totally agree it is miserable being ill with no one to help, but I have done so much in the past gone above and beyond to help MIL, more than most would of done especially when heavily pregnant. MIL has also not been very nice in the past despite all the help I have given she has actually been downright nasty.

My own parents had serious health issues yet ILs health was always a priority and I’m just fed up and have enough going on myself, I do not mind at all helping her and I brought up historical stuff which has caused this tension. I feel I should have said nothing as it was in the past what’s the point it’s not going to change.

Well you have a husband problem @ItWasCalledYellow and if you can't resolve it with your husband you have to say no and mean it.

Quite apart from the fact that you seem to have ended up as the default carer for his family…

Why did you cancel your plans with your children……. Rather than him cancelling HIS plans to assist HIS mother?

Why are his siblings’ prior plans also more important than yours?