AIBU to object after my ex criticised my ring and writing?

[Lilifer]

My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.

i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.

When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.

Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.

The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.

We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:

• I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
• I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
• He has a partner.
• I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
• We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.

So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅

I like the phrase ‘fair enough’, I then ignore. Every time. If he just comes round to have a go, tell him to stop coming round. He sounds like a twat.
The wearing the ring on your left hand is a bit odd, I can see why people who know you/him might think you are clinging onto something there. However it’s none of their business, so if you are happy doing it that’s fine. I kept mine and moved it to my right hand.

Wearing the ring is a bit odd. Your reasons for wearing it are a bit odd too. If it's that valuable can you get it turned into a necklace or a ring that isn't an engagement ring or even just resized to fit another finger?

I wouldn't leave it in his safety deposit box though in case it goes missing or there is a misunderstanding.

I wouldnt like an ex writing about my family in such a public way but I'd have to accept it.

For the love of god, do not change your behaviour just to appease this insanely controlling man. For your sake but also to role model for your sons that this is not a pattern to replicate with their future partners.

And even if you asked AIBU, ignore the posters saying it’s weird, don’t write about your life etc. To paraphrase the words of the great Elizabeth Bennett, resolve to act in a manner that will, in your opinion, constitute your happiness, without reference to either your ex or any poster online or any other person so wholly unconnected to you. The only people that do deserve some consideration would be your kids. No one else.

Wearing your ring, up to you. Sounds like his new partner probably has a thing about it.
Personally I’d have it remade into a different design and made bigger, or a new piece of jewellery. No way would I be putting in his safe!

The funeral sounds completely normal behaviour to me, you went to support your children to say goodbye to a man who you were close to. If you’d have walked in with family, sat at the front and done an impromptu speech, then I’d get it, but you didn’t. He’s an arse.

I don’t know how I’d feel if an ex wrote about such a personal thing on a public forum, I guess we can write what we like, within reason, and this was clearly very personal to you. . If writing is your thing I wouldn’t stop, but I’d be mindful of what I wrote because quite honestly I wouldn’t give him an excuse to be in touch. Maybe a name change and some details changed from now on so you’re less identifiable?

He does sound like a bit of an arse tbh, thankfully you’ll soon be free of him.

Tell him to fuck off - he can’t control you or tell you what to do.

You haven't done anything wrong @Lilifer. It does sound to me as if the grass isn't greener on the other side because if it was, your Ex would not care a jot about you or what you are doing . I say carry on regardless and ignore ignore ignore . I wouldn't go to his home because that could be construed as stalking . Just let everything go over your head and do not engage with him or his partner.

Surely the key word here is “ex”.

Whatever I think of your choices (and the ring thing is a little odd), it’s got fuck all to do with him.

It's a ring you have worn for years , it's yours so do what you want with it. The writing is also yours , you don't need to take it down. Someone actively sought out your ex to talk shit about you , I'd be looking at my circle differently . His opinions are irrelevant to you now. How old are the children, how much contact do you need outside of say graduations or weddings other big celebrations?

He’s overreacting but I would definitely resize the ring and wear it on the middle finger. It is a bit weird as culturally you would wear a ring like that to signal you’re engaged

My ex husband came to my mum's funeral, he drove a 12 hour round trip and slept in his van to be there. A couple of people found it curious that I had two husbands there but the general view was that it showed lovely respect. He's the father of my mum's grandson and they were very fond of each other. Unless your ex is abusive or your parent didn't like them I can't see why you would find this annoying.

Oh who cares

As someone who has been in a coercive controlling relationship, from the information we've been given OP's exh does not meet the threshold for "insanely controlling", especially as plenty of responders here agree that he might have a point.

There are many grades of arsehole before actual insanity comes into play.

i paid £45 to get my ring resized. go to a reputable jeweller who womt steal your diamonds and replace wirh cz, and wear your beautiful ring on another finger.

or, dont listen to that stupid little man and his jealous insecure partner.

personally I’d double down and buy a fiver silver wedding ring from ebay and wear it too 😂. Let them talk!!! That’ll give them somwthing to talk about.

If anyone said anything i’d tell them i was fully engaged with my children’s upbringing and wanted to fend off potential male advances hence im looking like a married woman as im not interested in dating for the foreseeable.

It is a bit weird as culturally you would wear a ring like that to signal you’re engaged

I’ll say it again, who cares? I mean who looks st other peoples (well womens) hands to check if their engaged or not?

He has no right to have any opinion on any thing you do and is just trying to tear you down because he is an abusive fuckwit. Realise this. Release him and never do anything for him again.

@Lilifer omg.....tell him to FUCK OFF......what an absolute bell end

Bet you're glad you aren't with him anymore....knobber x

@DimwittedSkaterypur post made me smile with my morning cuppa - thank you - that is exactly how I feel. I also feel sick of being told that you cannot use a certain finger for a ring unless you are married or engaged, it’s a bloody finger and I think anyone who’s scanning what a woman wears on that finger and commenting on it needs to get a life, I’m 56 years old so I think it’s time I had the right to wear what the hell i want where I want, I salute you 🙌🏻

re possibly moving, I don’t want to move from the home I’ve lived in for 27 years just to get away from him, I have a beautiful house overlooking a lovely view, it’s my haven when it’s not being invaded by him. It is hard though and after the latest episode I have this horrible feeling now that people are talking shit about me behind my back, people who I might have thought were friends, or some of his extended family, that gives me anxiety as I already feel a bit of anxiety being on my own, divorced in a small rural town which is very far from my own family and hometown and he is such an influential figure in the town, rugby club captain , chamber of commerce chair, large employer, landlord etc etc and I had a health scare last year which meant I couldn’t drive for the last year and I have felt really isolated and the writing was a great outlet for me to express myself, and I was really enjoying it, had even gotten paid subscribers etc and now I just feel like that’s been shat all over

The kids love my articles and read them all the time so it’s not upsetting them

But it can be resized/altered to fit if she’s so determined to keep it, keeping and wearing an engagement ring from your ex husband on the finger that symbolises being married is an odd thing to do.

Or maybe she just sees it as a nice ring that she has wore everyday for 20+ years so will continue on doing so as she pleases.

I think it’s odd to still wear your engagement ring. Clearly that’s not a fashionable view…..

I have this horrible feeling now that people are talking shit about me behind my back, people who I might have thought were friends, or some of his extended family

He says these things about his friends and family so that you feel like people are talking about you. Their not. Nobody is that interested in other people's lives. And like you said, none of these people know your maiden name for your site.

He wants to make you feel like people are talking about you, so you feel uncomfortable.

And I bet he's not as well liked as you believe.

@ItsNotMeEitherwhere did I say I was putting everything about myself online? I write articles which are a mix of personal, like albums or films that I like, observations on life/culture/society and the occasional personal anecdote that’s never overly personal or over sharing, and I have had nothing but positive reaction from friends family and strangers who subscribe to me, apart from this episode with my ex. I don’t agree that just because I live in a small town I can’t write a blog, there are a few of us in the town actually who do all write similarly on this platform, no one has an issue about it and I am not ashamed of it. How weird to say I can’t write publicly

Society? As much as people would like to say it doesn't mean anything, it actually does. That's the whole point of engagement/wedding rings, it's to symbolise something.

I think we all can agree wearing the ring is a bit odd bla bla bl

No we don't all agree. I don't see anything odd in it at all.

Very decent of him to bob round like that, just to confirm how sensible you were to divorce him. I’m sure you found it very reassuring. 🙂