AIBU to object after my ex criticised my ring and writing?

[Lilifer]

My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.

i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.

When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.

Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.

The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.

We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:

• I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
• I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
• He has a partner.
• I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
• We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.

So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅

He's your ex. You don't have to listen to anything he says anymore. Don't let him into your house again.

Still wearing the ring on your ring finger is a bit unusual tbh. I can't see why you'd want that reminder but you do you.

Also there is definitely the possibility that people have talked about it, I'm not trying to make you paranoid here but there are lots of people out there who like talking about others, judging their choices etc. I'm not saying it's right, or that you should change your behaviour but commenters saying "no one will have noticed/will be talking about it" is probably not strictly accurate.

But in this case ‘society’ is unlikely to give a shiny shite about what rings the OP wears on what finger or what essays about funerals she posts on Medium. This is just an angry, embittered ex shit-stirring and claiming ‘everyone’ is talking.

Given the environment OP says she lives in I would imagine people are gossiping tbh. If her Ex is a local celeb who everyone thinks is amazing they may think the ring is a sign OP misses him. I’m not sure I’d want people to think that!!!

are you planning to move away once your kids have finished school? It sounds suffocating

You are divorcing (and I can see the reasons why!) and what you wear and how and when you wear it is precisely fuck all to do with him. Same for what you write. If you wanted to strap a sign board to yourself saying “my ex is a twat’ you’d be perfectly entitled, as well as factually correct. Ignore. And tell the DC not to let him in!!

I have this horrible feeling now that people are talking shit about me behind my back, people who I might have thought were friends, or some of his extended family, that gives me anxiety

Bullshit. I mean, sure, there might be one or two people.... his cronies and buddies/his family. But screw them and him. It sounds to me like he has form for making your life difficult and being controlling. And just because he says his girlfriend isn't the one complaining.... I doubt that's true. I bet she HATES that you are wearing your engagement ring on your ring finger.

Trust me, if everyone was talking, you'd know. There'd have been a few sharp/odd/cutting comments or similar. this is ALL about him and his issues and his social circle. Ignore him.

I would have been very unhappy if my ex wrote about my mums funeral online. It would have been massively upsetting and my siblings wouldn’t have been happy either.

Where you sit at a funeral is irrelevant as long as you leave the first few rows for immediate family and anyone supporting them. Eg my partner sat next to me at my mums funeral to support me even though he isn’t related to my mum by blood and we are not married.

Its done now but I would leave his family to him.

He definitely shouldn’t turn up unannounced. That is inappropriate.

I think it’s a bit strange wearing an engagement ring but that is completely your decision.

So the only thing I think was a no no was writing about his dad online

It’s not true at all that you’d have to pay £1000 to insure the ring. It might add a small amount to the insurance but nothing like that. And it needs to be insured if you’re wearing it anyway, so that doesn’t make any sense.

My guess is, between the lines, you’re having a hard time moving on from this eejit, and because he’s a big cheese in the town you still want the status of a known connection to the family - I can’t think of any other reason to write about a recent funeral online.

I understand feeling isolated and anxious to move forward as a divorcee when your own family are not around you - but if you don’t want to sell up and move away - you do need to create a boundary around your new life.

Personally I’d do a clean break: ditch the ring or have it remade, no mention of the family you’re not part of any more etc.

That’s a lot of unpick

agree if coming unannounced he waits outside , till you go to the door

writing - if about his family I kinda get he’s annoyed even if it was a nice piece

def change your user name

ring - I’m torn on this - I took off my wedding and engagement ring when split with dh - my choice

I do like my rings. Maybe one day I will sell. Maybe keep for dd

but my ring finger did feel weirdly empty it has had rings on it for over 25 years

So I decided to wear a ring that my parents gave me for my 18th.

its got Ruby and diamonds for my birthstone and I love it.

I used to wear it all the time when I was 18 but on my right hand and weirdly now it doesn’t fit my right hand it does my left

So I now wear it on what is my engagement finger - This pissed off the ex tremendously

he was actually convinced it was my first husband’s engagement ring which obviously is not.

So yes, I wear a ring on my engagement finger which probably looks like an engagement ring, but I’m not engaged. I’m single but I love the ring so I wear it.

if you like the ring then wear it or sell it and buy a nice replacement ring

He's an arsehole. Tell him to get to fuck.

I'm gonna play devil's advocate and say it's your ring, and your hand. Just because society/history/tradition has dictated that's a special finger doesn't mean you have to listen or adhere to anything. It's not really anyone's business, especially if you don't care what they think.

I have worked with a lot of young people for the past 10-15 who wear whatever jewellery they like on whatever fingers they fancy because at the end of the day they know their status and it's noone else's business.

Nice of him to drop by and remind you how much better off you are without him!

I’m amazed that some people think YABU. And I don’t believe people are offended by your wearing your engagement ring or writing a tribute to your beloved FIL. It’s just him, trying to bring you down.

Your only fault has been in failing to curtsey when you pass him in the street or kneel and kiss his feet when you meet socially. Maybe you should carry a basket of rose petals whenever you go out, so you can walk backwards in front of him scattering rose petals in his path.
Or just tell him to mind his own business.

From now on he's not allowed in your home. What a piece of work he is!

Do you believe him when he said people were talking about you though?

He could have made it up to try to give providence to what he was saying. Or it could be that one person said "why is she still wearing her engagement ring?" or maybe a couple of people have mentioned it in passing then shrugged and realised they don't care.

I like looking at people's rings so probably would have noticed. As I said above I'd think it was odd (and if I'm being honest, I might assume you were still feelings) but then I'd move on and not give it a second thought because it's your business.

Don't move just because your ex is being a bit of a dick. He'll still be a dick wherever you are.

I'd sell that ring, it's just a reminder of the awful person who gave it to you. If you really want to keep it, take it off your ring finger and put it on a chain around your neck, that'll keep it safe. Are you making a statement by keeping it on the ring finger or what?

As for the rest of it. Ignore the muttonhead. For good.

Next time laugh in his face, then shut the door. He is being absurd.

Can you sell the ring? I’d wouldn’t want to wear it at all. He sounds a total jerk and I wouldn’t be listening to a word he says and certainly wouldn’t be pondering over his words afterwards. In fact if this was my ex I’d be interrupting him with ‘blah, blah, blah, have you finished your witterings yet? And then walk off.

Can’t believe folk are saying you shouldn’t wear the ring. It’s yours, you like it, you want to keep it safe. Wear the bloody ring on whichever finger you choose.

I agree she can put a ring on whatever finger she likes, but personally I would rather sell it and buy a different one. I did sell my jewellery and now the only one I wear is my late mum’s engagement ring. I just put it on the finger it fit best.

You need to tell him his hang ups his comments and others supposed opnion is of no concern to you.
Whatever the size of the town, coty he can.stay outside your door and ask before coming at you.
I am sure if we needed to hide a valuable ring i would find plenty of places around the home hidden..ring is abit odd.

You both sound weird to be honest.

I am still quite close to his family. They still invite me to things. I’m going to be at an event his brother is organising next week and exH will be there with his partner. (Dreading that now) I thought we all got on ok as I have invited them both to my home when throwing birthday parties for our kids turning 18, and 21 etc I thought it was good for the kids to see an amicable relationship. Because it’s a small town I frequently bump into them in pubs etc and apparently this is where people have talked in his ear about me wearing the ring.

re holding on to feelings about him, I was the one who left him and instigated the split. I can assure you I have no regrets about that and am not subconsciously hanging on in hope.

my kids love their cousins so they and their parents (his siblings) are in my home a lot, it’s worked pretty well up to now. I think he does not like that. Understandable maybe, but it’s good for the kids to see as much of their cousins as they want to and I still get on with his siblings and mother.

I say keep doing what you want to do. You've broken out from under the control of this awful man and he doesn't seem to like it - too bad for him! I agree with the poster who suggested this is a last ditch attempt at exerting some control before the financial arrangement runs out. Your success and independence are probably getting to him - good.
For those who wouldn't choose to do what you do, they can do them. You keep being you.

Then best to take Oscar Wilde’s stance about being talked about.

Personally I’d be flattered if so many people thought I was worth talking about. 😁

This. I bet the gf has been doing a bit of online detective work and getting herself worked up. Then giving him an earful until he goes and says something.

Both my brother's ex wives came to my granddad's funeral with their kids (one brother completely abandoned his kids). I sat with them in the pub after the service because I didn't want them to feel out of place and appreciated them coming. You go to a funeral to acknowledge the person you knew or support the relatives. Fair play to you for going.

You're divorced, you can do what you like with your ring and your writing. You've done nice things for him with no acknowledgement. Time to stop that.