AIBU to object after my ex criticised my ring and writing?

[Lilifer]

My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.

i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.

When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.

Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.

The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.

We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:

• I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
• I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
• He has a partner.
• I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
• We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.

So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅

I’m in two minds here,

on one side I see your point, you loved his family, write as a hobby and can wear the ring as you please.

on his side, he sees you writing about his family and wandering round with your engagement ring on your wedding ring finger. So for him it looks like you can’t let go,

personally I’d do two things.

id have thr ring resized to wear it on your other hand, it’s weird to be wearing it like an engagement ring still and secondly I’d not write about his family again. I understand your connection, but they are not your family any more. They are his and your children’s,

Wearing the engagement ring on the symbolic wedding finger will get noticed. Agree with another PP that it could be interpreted that you are not properly over him.

Get it resized and wear it on any other finger. You can still enjoy it without the judgement.

I would not let him get to you in any way. My response would be 'oh is that all? I thought you had something important to say' and close the door. He's just stirring and after a reaction.

Second, he can no longer come in the house. And second not engaging with him, ok thanks for the feedback, anything else...

Crack on and do what you want to do. Even if what you do is 'weird' its of no concern to him.

My ex use to tell me, that people didn't like me, said x,y,z about me. The short version is they didn't... so there is a chance your ex is coming up with this all on his own! My ex best friend still looks as me as family, my friends tolerate him if my kids are there...

Was it in Ireland though? OP says she wrote about the differences, - but she could be the Irish one and the funeral held in England. Anyway, it’s upset him and it is his father after all, he’s allowed to be.
She’s taken it down now tho which I think is right tbh.

You obviously realise that the ring went into his work safe, you'd never get it back. Im wondering g if this concern has anything to do with the upcoming settlement. But yeah, get it resized, whatever, have a bit of tact about your writing, get your settlement, live your life and fuck him and his "standing in the community"

I agree with this. It was his loss, not yours. You shouldn't have written about his father's funeral

This. Create a new life that has nothing to do with him or his family . Stop writing 'deep and meaningful ' stuff online, particularly about people who are no longer anything to do with you.

This.

I's be mightily pissed off if my ex was writing essays about my family online.

She already said in the op that it was the only finger it fit. But I wouldn’t see this as odd. There could be any number of perfectly acceptable reasons for wearing it on her ring finger. Including that it’s a bit pathetic that women are still classified as ‘taken’ or ‘available’ by wearing a ring on a certain finger but many/most men are not.

Edited to add: why can’t she write about anything that she wants to write about? Writers do this all the time. It’s very controlling to suggest she can’t given that it sounds like they were married a long time. The only hesitation for me would be to consider any possible impact of what’s being made public on my kids.

I’m a bit conflicted, I want to be on your side as he sounds horrible but…. Why are you still wearing your engagement ring? Sell it or wear it on another finger. Why are you writing about his father online? I understand you were fond of each other but it at it’s not all about you and your feelings, you need to respect that it’s his father, not your father. The funeral, did you ask your ex if it was okay you going? Again, you could have stepped back.

Your ring, your fingers, wear it however the hell you like and don't be bullied by that stupid man

go to his house unannounced and tell him you are sick of him following you about and checking up on you. You are split up and it’s not appropriate or healthy for him. And say that you will also stay out of his life going forward and that from now on it’s probably better to keep communication to a minimum and strictly about divorce or dc.

She’s already said it doesn’t fit on any other finger.

I’m guessing he’s moved on but he thinks you haven’t as you’re still wearing his ring. You’re doing nothing wrong and the funeral part of it is lovely, we don’t stop loving extended family after divorce

Make it clear to your son and that he is never to be allowed in the house again.

Stop listening to him. At all.
Do not give him that ring.

He sounds like a complete tosser.

He’s a twat @Lilifer , so please stop letting him have this effect on your life. He doesn’t need to come into the house and if he does and has a go then kick him out. He shouldn’t have bullied you when you were married and he certainly doesn’t get to now.
Please put the essay back up, it doesn’t sound in any way disrespect Or problematic. If you want to wear the ring then do so, albeit I would probably sell it.

You have moved on but he still thinks he gets an influence over you and you are letting him, may be have a think about why that is the case. Otherwise grey rock, polite but ignore, don’t let the bastard grind you down.

About the ring OP, you could have it altered so that it fits on another finger. Then it wouldn't look like a romantic statement of commitment, which a diamond ring on the fourth finger left hand is.
If you did this asap and told him you'd done it, he might worry less about the other issues.
About the funeral, I can only say that I am dreading my DH's ex coming to his funeral whenever the time comes. He doesn't want her to be there either, but I won't be able to keep her away. His children are grown up with families of their own, but I bet she will say that she needs to be there to support them. Perhaps your ex and his partner felt like that about you being there?

Perfect. What you do is no longer his concern, he can do one.

I wouldn’t give a shiny shit what he thinks tbh. Proceed as you wish. Well done for escaping this vile man.

For the love of god, do not change your behaviour just to appease this insanely controlling man. For your sake but also to role model for your sons that this is not a pattern to replicate with their future partners.

And even if you asked AIBU, ignore the posters saying it’s weird, don’t write about your life etc. To paraphrase the words of the great Elizabeth Bennett, resolve to act in a manner that will, in your opinion, constitute your happiness, without reference to either your ex or any poster online or any other person so wholly unconnected to you. The only people that do deserve some consideration would be your kids. No one else.

He sounds absolutely unbearable, well done on the divorce.

personally I’d sell the ring and use the money to buy an expensive leather bag and I’d tell him that’s what I’d done so every time he saw me with this gorgeous leather bag he’d be reminded of how little our marriage means to me now

Tell him he doesn’t own you and shut the door next time.

I loved my ex parents in law but the writing about them perhaps feels a bit like you’re making his loss about you and they are his parents. I’d give him that one for grief….

The ring situation is a bit weird weird. Why would you wear it on your left hand? That’s a symbol of love - wear it on your right but most people when they divorce remove all wedding and engagement rings. I loved my rings but they came off when we spilt. Maybe he’s thinking you’re being performative again and by wearing it, you’re stating that the divorce is his decision… If it’s expensive, get it remodeled?

The one thing he shouldn’t do it turn up at your home uninvited. And shouldn’t talk like that in front of the kids. I’d contact him and say in future can you text and we will chat on the phone or meet to talk elsewhere as the kids don’t need to be exposed to their parents disagreements..

It is giving clinging on and I could understand a new partners discomfort . Are you happy the marriage is over ,who's decision was it ?
As horrible as it may be he obviously wants a much cleaner and brutal split form you ,and sees you solely as the kids mum ,he doesn't twat chit chat or small talk or friendship ,or to be reminded of shared memories. So stop trying .
Treat him thensam was he treats you and move on with your life . Keep it business like and give him the ring back or sell it if it's yours .