Friend has gotten really funny due to my weekend away with man

[Laurenn25]

I’ve been single for three years, single Mum to primary age DC who I’ve put first during that time. Only recently did I start looking to date again, I’ve met someone who I get along really well with and we’ve arranged a weekend away for mid-July.

My best friend had been on for a while about the two of us going away for a weekend, but for various reasons I didn’t outright commit to this. I told her it would depend on a few factors including finances.

I’ve told her about my planned weekend with the man I’m seeing and she got really funny and asked is that why I can’t go away with her. I said it wasn’t as simple as that. She said we’ve been friends for years and as soon as I’ve got a ‘sniff of cock’ I’ve dropped her. I haven’t dropped her at all.

It’s true I probably could have gone away with her, but I didn’t commit to it and can’t afford two trips now. She has made me feel a bit crap.

The "friend" is massively overstepping boundaries, she sounds jealous and entitled.
And actually, even without the guy in the picture, demanding that a single mum who's not particularly wealthy goes on a luxury holiday with you just because you want it, is not ok.

I'm sorry, but I disagree with most of the posters here. She should be happy for you that you have found someone to spend some time with after being on your own for 3 years. If it was me, I would wish you luck, and be happy for you - that's what a good friend would do. She wants you to put her first, and you are putting you first, I see nothing wrong with that. Enjoy your weekend!

Goodness! I think the friend is being unreasonable! I can totally see why you may have chosen a weekend away for some private time with a new partner, particularly if you have a child. There are things you may want to do with a partner which you can't do with the friend! I am guessing it is much easier to have 'friend time' from your home environment over the course of an evening or a day. Don't get me wrong, a weekend with a friend is great, but when you go to bed, you go to separate rooms/beds. Private time with a new partner may be what you need to either cement the relationship and really know whether it's going somewhere, or decide it's not for you. I think your friend is being selfish, begrudging you time away when you're probably feeling happy about romantic possibilities. I imagine if the relationship goes wrong, she'll be quite unpleasant to you then as well. Friends who don't support you being happy may not be the best of friends after all. I am also not sure why she is so upset about you not going 'away' with her. Does she want to spend time with you? Is that it? In which case, there are other ways/means. You could do a few day trips or just commit to time together near home if money is an issue. Is she jealous? Has she been single for a while? Life is long, time is short, and you need to grasp chances of happiness while you can. She's clearly upset; no harm apologising, but I don't think you've done anything fundamentally wrong that a good friend wouldn't understand and forgive. I also think friends who get angry with you and tell you off (as it sounds like she is) are a bit like boyfriends who do the same... maybe not the best... if she just told you you'd hurt her feelings, that would probably be easier to deal with. At least you could have a talk about it and explain your point of view. Once someone is 'offended', all bets are off...

Jesus the replies on the first few pages are bonkers; I swear half of MN must live in nunneries. Is it really that bad that the OP is prioritising a bit of free time away from her kids with a man for the first time in THREE YEARS over going away with somebody she sees all the time? The friend sounds like a pain in the arse who thinks she's entitled to have first dibs on the OP at all times and to have an effective veto on the OP getting serious with another man so long as there have been vague conversations about going away at some point. I honestly think if I was in the friend's position I'd be encouraging the OP to go if the OP had good vibes about the thing. Apologies if this has already been answered, but I'll take a wild stab that the friend is single?

All these people waffling on about how she’s got a point. Maybe the bloke paid for the weekend away. And tell me if someone you were interested in wanted to go away with you you wouldn’t jump instead of going away with your friend. The woman’s been single years and put her child first , surely she’s owed a naughty weekend away. The friend sounds jealous. If she’s that desperate to get away hasn’t she got other friends to go with? Obviously not with her bad attitude. She should be happy for her friend. Honestly the self obsessed entitlement of some people really riles me. Don’t worry about her get yourself away and enjoy sniffing the cock or whatever else you wanna do to it.

Wow no, I’d never drop a friend for a new bloke. Shocked you think thays hugely reasonable.

op, I also think your friends got a point and some of your comments are really unpleasant,

So you think it's OK for a friend to say to you that you are 'choosing dick' just because you want to spend time with a potential long term partner, not forgetting the fact her time away suggestions were not within your budget. I'd happily drop this type of friend due to her lack of support regarding my date & her controlling jealous behaviour.

Well if you're 13 I suppose you might think a friend prioritising somebody else other than you one time, when you hadn't even made any plans, amounts to them 'dropping you', but being a grown up I understand that the world doesn't revolve around me. This 'friend' clearly hasn't got that far yet.

It'd be interesting to know whether those defending OP are the type of people who expect their friends to fade into the background when they are in a relationship and magically re-emerge if/when said relationship ends and they need a shoulder to cry on. I think most of us have met people of that type, and for all we know OP may have past form for this.

Of course you can’t give the same attention to friends when you start a new relationship in the same way that you can’t give the same attention to friends when you have a baby, have a demanding jobs or have parents who need looking after. Your good friends understand this and adapt to when you can see them and in the fullness of time things change and maybe in the future you will have that weekend away together. I wouldn’t dream of talking to a good friend like that who was excited about a new relationship- you learn this lesson when you’re a teenager hopefully.

...and for all we know she doesn't. In fact given she's been single for three years it seems probably not. Comments such as yours are bizarre - like you can EITHER have female friends OR start a new relationship but definitely not both. In the real world people manage to strike up new relationships while keeping their friends without any trouble at all. But then not all friends are jealous needy children like the one here seems to be.

If you've never met the kind of person I'm talking about, you won't know what I mean, so in that context I can sort of see why you might find it 'bizarre'. Doesn't change the fact that there are people out there of the type I described in my previous post, who are not capable of maintaining friendships and relationships at the same time and expect their friends to be OK with being picked up and dropped according to their own relationship status.

Then again, if OP is being a shit friend generally, this might feel like the final straw for her friend. Friends can only be expected to 'understand and adapt' if they are still treated like they matter in someone's life, as opposed to 'well, I might go on holiday with you or I might not, depends if I get a better offer.'

But that’s not what the OP said to her, is it? And from the sound of it she’d be better off without this so-called friend who doesn’t care whether the OP can afford the weekend or not and dismissed all her suggestions.

We have no way of knowing how OP manages this friendship, or friendships generally. That's why I have been speculating on this and not stating my opinions as fact.

Speaking as a chap - if I had a single mate (who'd been single three years) and we were talking about going away for a weekend without ever committing to it, and he then informed me that he's started seeing someone and they're going away together so he can't afford to do a "lads weekend" as well, the reaction would be "good for you mate, hope it goes well, see you in the pub Saturday?".

Is this because male friendships are less committed/intense than female ones ?

You could say that about anyone who posts, we don’t know them but we take what they say in good faith, we don’t assume they’re lying or what is the point? I believe most people post in good faith.

No, although the posters defending the OP are the type of people who would take a non judgemental step back if their friend was single & had the chance to spend a weekend away with a potential Partner. Why would they interfere & make vulgar suggestions like 'choosing cock' in order to place a guilt trip on their friends decision to accept the date. The OP made the right decision but I'm not so sure about this particular choice of friend.

Well, personally I'll admit I do judge people who mess their friends around whenever there's a man on the scene, if (I said if) this is what OP is like as a friend. Because that's not how good friends behave.

The friend is clearly very hurt, either way, and that might be related to more than this incident.

Good friends respect romantic relationships & give the couple space. It's even more important if it's a new relationship which requires time & effort to develop into something long term. There is no room for possessive or jealous behaviour. Before I was married I had a friend who would literally have a strop if she called & asked me to meet eg on a Friday night & I refused. I would suggest Saturday & it was usually a case of can you not change meeting....... to Saturday. It was incessant so eventually we parted company.

The test is when it all goes wrong, in general, then people expect the friends they have dropped to have to listen to the contstant drama of being dumped or whatever has gone wrong, being friends is about give and take or it should be

And no even when I was first with my husband I was still me a fully functioning adult who was capable of doing more than one thing

I think if she was a real friend she would understand. The dating world is tough for single mums and she should be happy for you. You could offer to do something cheap on another weekend or babysit her kids so she can go away with someone else another time

You’d think she would be happy that you’re getting a sniff of cock tbf.

Not surprised she's upset

You chose to prioritise new boyfriend over her

And if she sees this thread, she'll drop you

The OP had not committed to going away with the friend. She had already told her she couldn’t afford it and suggested alternatives which the friend refused. The fact she is now going away with a new boyfriend is totally separate, and she has continued to see the friend, she hasn’t just dropped her. When my best friends became less available when I was young because they got into relationships I found it a bit upsetting at first if I was single because I knew they’d be less available to me but I got used to it and it didn’t mean we fell out. Yes boyfriends come and go but you give your friends space when they need it, you don’t throw a strop. And they do the same for you.