Aibu to not want shared custody?

[Custodyadvice]

My children have just turned 5 and 3. Husband has moved in with his parents 5 mins away. Eldest is at school. Youngest goes to daycare 4 days and home with me on Friday. I wfh 2 days, 2 days in office and husband prefers to be in the office every day. I want the children to see him regularly but it looks as if the recommendation is every other weekend and one overnight midweek.

I worry this feels like too long for them to be away from him but equally I need them to know they have a secure home base on weekdays. I was considering he do pick up and dinner/bedtime with them on the 2 days I'm in the office and overnight on Friday/Saturday on alternate weekends so they always wake at home on a school day.

So his mum doesn’t know what’s going on?

It I were you I’d be popping round to see them when you know your ex won’t be there.

You need a clear and distract chat with them to tell them exactly how bad their sons issues are and you need to make it clear that they need to be letting you know if he’s drinking whilst staying at theirs.

You no longer share a house with this man and therefore he’s looking after your children in a different home. You need to know that they’re safe and being cared for by someone who is sober.

You’ve said their son comes first. Does that mean you think they’ll cover for him?

That’s how I read it as well @DaisyChain505

Make sure you discuss this with him and name the drinking in writing so he can’t deny it later.
its still his home you can’t really kick him out, does he just drink after their bedtime? If so you could try nesting where he does dinner and bath and puts them to bed in their own homes and then you come home (from late work, the gym, seeing a friend) IF and only if he won’t be drunk around them, if this is a risk he can only see them with someone like his parents supervising.
if he has moved out he needs to pay you child maintenance which can go towards babysitter if needed

I'm not getting into details honestly but his mum had health issues that mean she wouldn't and shouldn't be under any pressure. They won't cover for him. I trust them. They're good people. There's a record of his drinking so I'm not concerned about him denying it and sadly no its not just when they're in bed.

Exactly my tboughts. Massively blurred boundary. His contact needs to be elsewhere

I have to give you a lot of credit OP that you are willing and wanting to see your husband get better. There is a very vocal segment on the his site that say throw out leaving your partner at any inconvenience. Don't get me wrong, sometimes leaving is for the best, but so is fighting for someone. I'm rooting for you and your husband.

This man has an addiction so strong that he has lost his family because of it. Please do not trust he would not drink drive with the kids. He will. He is an addict. He is not the person he is when he is sober.

My ex had our 2 and 5 year old overnight. Started drinking in the evening, put them in the bath to entertain them, carried on drinking, forgot they were in his care in the bath as he had got out of the habit of having them every day, ran out of alcohol, locked the house and went out to the shops to get more, then the pub. The kids were alone overnight before anyone realised. They had to get themselves out of the bath and into pyjamas and go to bed alone.

Addiction destroys people.

I'm sorry @SullysBabyMama that sounds absolutely awful

Of course I can't guarantee he won't drink drive with them in the car but unfortunately I can't control him and refuse all contact just in case and nor do I want to.

I'm trying my best to safeguard them and put them first but I can't always be worrying what if. They could get hurt in any number of ways and I don't want to alienate them from him.

I dont expect perfection but I am being as hard-line as I can be. He's going to an aa meeting which is a huge step and I'm supporting him without trying to take responsibility for his recovery.

I know enough to know if he changes for me, it won't stick. He has to want it. But he's also not a monster. He can be and frequently is a fantastic dad. I think he deserves another chance.

OP, what your solicitor is suggesting is a kind of “standard” template for shared custody but in your case it’s different as 1. there are concerns about his drinking and being in charge of the kids 2. He sounds like he isn’t actually pushing for overnight contact or 50/50 right now at all and it sounds like the kids could very much do with stability right now - please don’t feel that by suggesting the kids generally live with you and he spends time with them, you’re alienating him, it’s totally fine to have one parent with primary “custody” and the other free to see them regularly if that works for everyone 3. Both of you actually hope to reconcile ideally and he doesn’t have his own place.

What works for both parents and the kids can look hugely different in different households. And as long as everyone feels it works for them that’s fine however non standard the solution is. Plus it can change over time depending on various factors.

So think about first your children’s safety and wellbeing (this is what family court would consider if and when it ever needed to go there). I am worried you may still be slightly in denial about how safe they are with him if he has been drunk in charge of them before. If that’s the case I’m not sure his taking them out to soft play etc is a great plan? Or does he only tend to drink at home? From what you’ve said so far, it would not be unreasonable to insist that in the short to medium term, either you or his parents or someone else you trust is with him when they are with him too until he has been completely abstinent for a long period of time (like months).

I agree in the long run (I know you’re hoping there won’t be a long run but who knows right? Best to start as you mean to go on if you are not able to reconcile), it’s going to be easier on the kids and also you to avoid blurring boundaries and not have him care for them at your home.

If and when he knocks the alcohol on the head you can look at the whole thing again and might come to a different arrangement while you are still living apart for a good while to make sure it sticks, or if you decide you are splitting for good, but the alcohol is no longer a factor. At that point you might do what the solicitor suggested, or some families also do one week with each parent for example, there are various possible templates for shared custody.

If you decide to split for good and the alcohol IS still a factor that will be a trickier conversation. But if you start things off this way, it becomes the status quo, and even if he was unhappy with it later and it went to court, they’d likely factor the alcohol issue into the equation and think about the children’s best interests when considering whether changes should be made at all and if so, it would usually be built up slowly over time and usually only if he is able to prove that he has managed to get on top of the alcohol problem.

You seem to be truly considering what is in your kids best interests so trust yourself as their mum to know what will work best for them right now if your husband is amenable to your suggestions. You don't have to decide how it will work forever for now, just think about what’s going to keep the kids safe and well and not expose them to unnecessary stress. And then try to come to an agreement on what that looks like for you both for the next few months. And keep it under periodic review. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re pushing your husband out somehow that’s not what this is about at all.

You CAN refuse all contact if you reasonably believe your children to potentially be at risk in his care. That’s not controlling him, that’s safeguarding your children. He can oppose your stance and take you to court over it if he wants, and then the courts will decide. I understand you’d rather keep it out of court and I agree that’s wise if at all possible but not at the expense of taking risks with your children’s safety.

Yes, they could get hurt in any number of ways but as a mother you try to prevent predictable harm from coming to them, you ask them to wear their seatbelts in the car, you take them for vaccinations etc. And I think it’s totally reasonable to add to that list that you don’t trust that their father who has a problem with alcohol, has been drunk in charge of the kids before, and who hasn’t stopped drinking yet, is safe to be in charge of the children without someone else you trust (or you yourself) also being present to supervise. I know it’s so hard to accept that there is risk there but there absolutely is. Which isn’t to say he doesn’t have many good qualities as a father outside of that specific issue or that he doesn’t deserve another chance. He may well deserve another chance, but he needs to make the changes with the alcohol first for their safety. Imagine you were a judge making a decision about a stranger’s kids in an identical situation. Or if you were advising a friend in an identical situation. Do you think you’d make the same judgement call?

I’m interested in who has put it into your head that you cannot safeguard your children without alienating their father. You have no intention of alienating him at all. In fact you ideally want to reconcile with him. If he is as you say a good father deep down, he will surely understand himself the sense in his having to address the alcohol issue before it’s safe for him to be in sole charge of the kids. Why would that alienate him? If the shoe was on the other foot would you feel alienated if he were to take that stance? Even though if you were to stop drinking not only would he be happy for you to have 50/50 custody but actually he’d want to get back together and live as one happy family again? That’s not alienation.

I don’t think your husband is a monster at all (please ignore that poster who said you made bad choices, honestly so smug, shit happens sometimes in life, it’s not your fault that he started drinking for goodness sake), and I very much hope he takes this opportunity to stop drinking once and for all and you can all have a happy ending. But currently there are risks there that are not ignorable. Please take it seriously. You do not want your kids to end up in the situation described above by @SullysBabyMama. Or worse. Anything could have happened to those kids. Remember that story in the papers a while back where I think 4 little kids died in a house fire because their single parent had left them alone in the house.

I fought for over 2yrs. Gave chance after chance

he lied all the time , denied drinking when it was bloody obvious he was pissed

but my daughter is more precious to me then dh. She is a child and deserves to be in a happy safe non shouting home

she says we have a happy home now

yes I get @Custodyadvice wants to try , I did, no one wants to get divorced , and that’s why I asked earlier how long will she try for, how many times will she forgive the lies, drinking, and possible danger to her kids , what is her limit or boundaries

as addicts aka alcoholics will push boundaries and if you give an inch they will take a mile

obv if he stops drinking and stays sober then Happy days but it’s very possible he won’t sadly

I get it. I've been asking him to drink less for about 3 years but things have definitely got worse in the last 9 months. I've now got to a point I need him to stop altogether. He has moved out temporarily before but only for a few weeks. I don't know how long I need before I would feel comfortable with him coming home. But I know if he returns and it happens again then I will need to separate permanently. So I'm not in a rush. I want to know he's got some runs on the board.