Aibu to not want shared custody?

[Custodyadvice]

My children have just turned 5 and 3. Husband has moved in with his parents 5 mins away. Eldest is at school. Youngest goes to daycare 4 days and home with me on Friday. I wfh 2 days, 2 days in office and husband prefers to be in the office every day. I want the children to see him regularly but it looks as if the recommendation is every other weekend and one overnight midweek.

I worry this feels like too long for them to be away from him but equally I need them to know they have a secure home base on weekdays. I was considering he do pick up and dinner/bedtime with them on the 2 days I'm in the office and overnight on Friday/Saturday on alternate weekends so they always wake at home on a school day.

My husband is "having some time away" not because of drinking but because he needs to sorf himself out and decide to commit to his family. We agreed he wouldn't have overnights at the start (his parenting style is difficult for everyone) and he seems to be very relaxed about seeing them. He has hardly spent any time with them at all since he went. He keeps telling people he wants to see them as much as he can, but I am waiting for that to start....

I am so surprised as I thought he was a good man with the same values as me, but what do you know.

Do you trust him to drive kids and not be drinking?

I do trust him not to drink drive but he has been drunk whilst in sole care of the children hence why I'm only comfortable with him being with them at his parents or out so yes short trips are fine to soft play or the cinema. I don't want to feel like I'm putting them in danger. They have to come first.

Ultimately, you work out the custody arrangements that work best for you all. Also remember, unless it’s a court order, there’s flexibility.
My DD has never done 50/50 with her Dad, just wasn’t practical. We’ve been separated 4 years. He moved into a rental initially but then moved to the other side of the city near his girlfriend. She’d have to be up really early to get home to go to school.
To start with, she went EOW and he had her for tea 2-3 nights a week (depending on my work shifts). Later it was 1 night a week due to a change in her schedule. Now the relationship has changed (for the worse unfortunately) and he’s not having her overnight at all. So many changes in those 4 years.
I’d suggest trialling the arrangements you’ve mentioned. Saying trial implies you do think the split could be temporary as well, which might encourage him to make changes, but I’d say you should be a plan to review after a few weeks. See how it goes.

Then you're going to really blur the boundaries for everyone by having him in the house twice a week. I wouldn't do this.

I disagree that it's not his parents problem, they raised him, and they're their grandkids.

Him picking them up and taking them to his parents for tea when you're working is a good idea. He's supported, you know they're safe. But he knows there's no time with you.

Do his parents know about his drinking?

We all arrange childcare around our work because that's real life when you have to work. Kids tend to understand that.

Presumably you only mean short term? When he has his own house he might want them more- have you asked him what he wants?

I wouldn’t tolerate so little custody and neither would my ex husband. I think the “recommendation” you’ve had is wrong- 50:50 is usually cited

Lol what MRA bullshit is this?

For an untreated alcoholic?

neither of us can say what would be deemed suitable not knowing how much the drinking impacts his life or parenting

I wouldn't agree to 50/50 and he wouldn't be able to cope with it. Nor would they recommend that for a 3yo. Realistically hes lucky to not have to do supervised visitation. The drinking is recorded. His parents and dr know. Hes been seeing a psychologist who specialises in addiction and prescribed medication to reduce the cravings. Hes not disputing that alcohol is having an enormous negative impact on his life. He just doesnt seem able to decide he wants to give up and stick to it permanently but he's not in complete denial.

i think you’ve had some quite poor legal advice. This isn’t the legal process at all- yes the court want to see mediation attempted before you end up in court but one or both of you can refuse. Counselling has nothing to do with the court.

courts don’t really like to get involved in custody at all- it’s only a last resort. You appear to be absolutely nowhere near this. Just suggest what suits you for now and see what happens

Yes but again I dont expect them to be responsible for monitoring him. He has to want to quit himself.

It absolutely would be recommended for a 3 year old. The drinking is absolutely an issue, you’re right (although let’s face it plenty of children are in the sole care of alcoholics) but it wouldn’t take much for him to get 50:50 if he wanted it. Just be prepared

Of course OP ahould try to arrange access around what suits her working pattern, all working parents do this!

@Custodyadvice

I agree that his parents don't have to have the DC overnight if they don't want to. Or maybe it's more a situation of 'can't' (small flat, health issues, etc). But if they're only 5 minutes away why can't it be EOW 'days only'? He could pick up the DC on Saturday morning and have them til just before or after teatime then bring them home, rinse & repeat on Sunday. I'd think that would provide some consistency.

My esDH (we're separated, not planning to divorce) is an alcoholic. We were married for 38 years before his drinking spun out of control. It's been over a year and he's still drinking. I will just say that you're in for a rough ride. Only about 1/3 of alcoholics get and stay sober. I suggest you contact your local chapter of AlAnon or SMART Recovery Friends & Family. They will be an immense support and source of knowledge for you.

I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.

I may be wrong, but I suspect OP didn’t choose to have children with a man with a drinking problem. I’m hazarding a guess that the children came first??

You'll wish you went 50/50 when they hit the teen years.

If he has a drinking problem is he safe to have overnight access especially of young children? What about driving them? I have been through this rodeo myself and had to insist on no overnights unless another responsible adult was there, and absolutely no driving. I'd advise speaking to a family law solicitor ASAP.

Very hard situation for you but surely if he has a drinking problem, the children aren’t safe being left with him overnight at all

If he has a drinking problem, he shouldn’t have them overnight at all. You never know when he’ll think “just one”
drink is reasonable, then it snowballs wtc

Pick up and tea a couple of times
a week, plus a daytime visit EOW, with his parents present, sounds best.

Their safety comes before his feelings/ preferences.

Probably this will not be the wake up you expect. He has not hit rock bottom and losing time with the children will not make him reconsider the role of alcohol in his life.

Absolutely! This is par for the course when dads want to fit around their working patterns.

It’s not realistic for him to be coming to your home to care for them. It’s confusing for the children, blurs the lines of what your relationship with him actually is and it will get awkward and cause issues if either of you were to get a new partner in the future.

You’re right that the new routine needs to be consistent but it shouldn’t be what you’re currently suggesting.

He needs to get his own place, prove he’s not drinking and stick to routine with having his children.