Aibu to not want shared custody?

[Custodyadvice]

My children have just turned 5 and 3. Husband has moved in with his parents 5 mins away. Eldest is at school. Youngest goes to daycare 4 days and home with me on Friday. I wfh 2 days, 2 days in office and husband prefers to be in the office every day. I want the children to see him regularly but it looks as if the recommendation is every other weekend and one overnight midweek.

I worry this feels like too long for them to be away from him but equally I need them to know they have a secure home base on weekdays. I was considering he do pick up and dinner/bedtime with them on the 2 days I'm in the office and overnight on Friday/Saturday on alternate weekends so they always wake at home on a school day.

I think its not just up to you. And while its important they have a secure base, its more important they have regular access to you both.

I think you need to put that suggestion to him, because it doesnt sound a bad one but id be a bit flexible if he wants more time too

My exh had every other weekend and a dinner together on Wednesdays. He also took them on holiday for a week each year. He did let me have Xmas Eve and Xmas day though. He had Boxing day and I sent kids to him with left over turkey for them because I knew he wouldn't have cooked a Xmas dinner. He wouldn't bother to do stockings either so he was glad to let them spend Xmas with me.

he can’t be trusted with the children alone if he is an alcoholic. i’m
not suggesting he would purposefully hurt them but he won’t be as present if he is drinking and that’s a fact. You seem to be very reasonable op, stick to your guns and your intuition. if he wants to come back it might be too soon to formalise anything so you have time to think about it i guess. good luck

OP, you sound incredibly reasonable but between a rock and a hard place. This is very early days and especially as DH is hoping this is temporary, could you make a plan for the next month and review it from there? Unless he is about to take you to court, I think you can agree something for now that is practical and suits you both with a view to reviewing it once you see how it works out. Good luck. This sounds very tough but you sound committed to making it work for your DV despite the difficult situation.

Having been through family court I would say its far too early to have any sort of idea what will happen next. Your ex is currently hoping you will change his mind . If you don't he's perfectly within his rights to move back into the marital home or push for it to be sold. One or other of you might end up living further away. He might decide, like my abusive ex, to push for 50:50 to avoid maintenence and then dump the kids on parents/new partner.

Courts are entirely unpredictable. Evidence of alcohol abuse can lead to supervised contact. Or it can lead to claims of parental alienation and change of residency. There is absolutely no telling what could happen. In my case there was proven abuse abd alcohol issues and court couldn't care less for several years.

I would do antrhing to stay out of court personally!

Your suggestion and reasoning is not unreasonable.
However, he might not agree.
I think as a child, it must be difficult having two homes. His isn't really a home as it's his parents'. Could he have his custody days with them in the family home?

If his drinking problem is too much of a problem for you to stay with him, then presumably it is not possible for him to have the kids 50:50. How are they going to cope with it?

@Custodyadvice A lot of people do accept the one weekend every 2 weeks and one night during the week so a 5/9 split per 14 days. However, that’s when no one is drinking! That makes a very big difference and the safety of dc will be paramount. So I’d be wary of dc being alone with him but when his parents are around, that’s different. So I’d try and work out a schedule based on work and when his parents might be about. I would not agree to every weekend, or you are all work and no fun time!

If he had a drinking problem are your dc safe at his ?

I had to stop overnight stays as now ex dh as I Divorced him - would buy drink with our child and drink around her

all visits are now supervised

This a million times

nothing sadly will stop dh now ex dh drinking and lying

he has lost

his marriage
his home
seeing his young daughter daily
his older kids (adults)
his grandchildren
his siblings
his job
his van
his health

many times I think he would hit rock bottom but nope nothing seems to be ending to make him stop drinking

he will die drinking and alone

I have no desire to go to court so I think everyone's advice to just take it short term whether that's by day or week and go from there is a good one. He will not want to get a place of his own but staying with his parents will also be frustrating. As it would for any middle aged man who is used to doing what he wants when he wants.

Ultimately he knows he can't force me to sell the house. I paid the majority of the deposit, all overpayments and can afford it by myself as I'm the higher earner. He won't want the kids to move. I'm happy for him to do visits here or at his parents as they're both safe environments. No overnights is also fine.

I'm not convinced he'll push for 50 50. I don't want child maintenance or need it so there's no financial motivation at least. It's so sad to hear of other people who've had partners also put alcohol before the good things in their life.

I'm hopeful he can make positive changes. He's quit before and the drinking ramped up post kids to deal with stress. I am convinced he has depression and he has a lot of support to turn this around. What I'm trying to avoid is him thinking fuck it if we're divorcing I've got no incentive to change.

Just an FYI regarding 50/50 my sister ended up with 50/50 care for her children despite trying to argue it through 2 years of court proceedings and her children were 3 and 2. So courts definitely do award 50/50. This has more recently been changed now the children are old enough to have their opinions taken in to account though.
Although that was a very different situation to yours and yours sounds like it’s much more amicable and if you would feel better having an official documented agreement then mediation would be best no need for the bum ache and expense of court

My plan is to avoid court at all costs. Keep it amicable. Like others I'm happy to separate and not divorce at least for the next year. I genuinely hope he can turn things around.

It seems to me you are doing a wonderful job for all involved and doing what is best💐 please also take care of yourself!

Your suggestion is very reasonable. However i would be wary of setting a precedent of your ex husband being in your home without you. However amicable things might be now... exes can get weird. Especially if (when) you move on and meet someone new. It will be difficult to back down from it if it was part of the divorce settlement.

@Custodyadvice You can go to mediation and agree. However if things change, you should have an agreement to refer to.

Just remember that whilst you’re paying the mortgage and paying into your pension etc you’re adding to the asset pot he’s due 50% of. With your sole income.

Do you really think he will stop drinking ? You said he stopped before and then obv started again

no one wants to get divorced but with alcoholic husband you have to be firm with boundary’s esp with young children

what happens in a years time ? How long do you give him to sort his life out ? If he does stop drinking and then relapses 3/6/12mths etc later then what ?

I can't think forward that far or try and predict it. I hope he stops drinking for the kids but he's going to be in my life for a long time. I'm not ready to give up the hope he can turn things around yet.

Keep solicitors out of things. The only thing they’re interested in is increasing their billable hours not doing what’s best for you or your children or even your ex.

No need for a message like this here. OP is trying to work things out amicably and it’s not OP’s fault that her husband has a drink problem. She’s taken necessary steps to protect her children and is trying to balance that with supporting their father/child relationship.

Agree 100 per cent. It doesn’t sound like you’re at the stage where solicitors or court are necessary. They muddy the water and cause unnecessary expense and it’s more traumatic for the children. So much better if you can work it out. I would recommend mediation but only if you can no longer be amicable, but mediation for the sake of it rather than with court in mind. If he’s refusing to have then overnight anyway, it’s not clear why court is relevant as you can’t force him to take them but also, he doesn’t have the right to drop in whenever he likes either.

Are his parents the sort of people to hold him accountable for his drinking or do they think he can do no wrong?

I would probably try and have a conversation with them about how the children’s safety comes first and if they know or suspect that he was a drinking again they must let you know.

They will not be letting him drink especially in front of the children. They are wonderful people and his dad knows what's going on. I have told him and he's seen it. They won't overstep with me or the kids ever but I know they love and support their son and naturally he will come first.

To me this reads that they will cover if he has a drink as they will know you will then hopefully stop him seeing your dc at theirs, which means they wouldn’t see their grandkids