AIBU to think a last-minute invite means you’re not wanted?

[Lessexpected]

To think if someone invites you to something important to them like a ‘confirmation’ at the last minute (a week before) and you’re the god parent - they didn’t want you there in the first place?

Why not ask the parents why the invitation came late?

I was guilty of this with my daughter’s birthday party this year but because it was genuinely booked late. My mother is very unwell and we’ve known it was terminal for 18 months so it’s been a waiting game. This has made future planning almost impossible for the last year of so.

However, in your case I think the god parent
part clouds it slightly. Also, depending on how close you are to the parents, you will know if there’s something going on in their life that might be affecting ability to think and plan this sort of thing. Saying all of that, I have come to a place in my life now where I would decide if I wanted to go or not regardless of the invite timing- life is too short to worry about only getting seven days notice if you actually don’t want to go to something.

Yes but you can choose to try to work out if its a signal or not or you can just choose based on your availability whether to go or not without having to do the extra bit of trying to work out their motives. That bit can be exhausting and you can't truly know.

I would take the invite as an invite and decide whether to go or whether to carry on and enjoy my alternative plans. Which option is how you most want to spend your weekend?

No, if they didn't want you to turn up, they wouldn't have invited you. They invited you, so they'd like you to turn up.

That doesn't mean you have to turn up. If you don't want to, if you've got plans, just say you're busy.

But you're overthinking this massively.

They must have known we’d have plans.

Why "must" they know you'd have plans ? That makes no sense at all.

If you sent me a text now and asked me to go somewhere this evening with you, you'd effectively be asking if I had other plans this evening or if I could come to that 'thing' with you. You wouldn't "know" what my plans were until you invited me. Quite frankly, even if you knew I normally did something on a Monday night, until you asked, you wouldn't know whether I was happy to miss my regular game of badminton or book group or choir practice for the chance to go to whatever it was you were offering as a one off.
I've been to the theatre with 2 different people twice in the last year, having been offered a last minute ticket an hour or two before. Obviously, the person they were going with couldn't go at the last minute, but my thinking was 'how nice that they thought of me and how nice I can go and see a show I hadn't previously got a ticket for', not 'how terrible I might be a reserve choice'.

I think what I wanted from this thread was to see if other people thought it was a signal that they didn’t want me to turn up.

No. We don't think that. If someone didn't want you at an event, they wouldn't invite you to it. You are being ridiculous.

Sorry this is not a great comparison. This is a family occasion not a ‘can you come down the pub, mate?’

I would assume disorganised or possibly didn’t think you would really want to go so didn’t want to put you on the spot. (Confirmations are long and boring)

As is a wedding a 'family occasion' , which I posted about on the previous page.

It doesn't matter what the occasion is.
If someone invites me, and I am available (or can make myself available), and I want to go then I would go.
Obviously if I couldn't make myself available, or didn't think the 'occasion' was something I was prepared to rearrange something else for, then I wouldn't go.

I wouldn't be deciding whether to go or not, depending on how last minute the invitation was.

Not that a week's notice is last minute is the point being made in my last post .

No, am invite it’s an invite. I don’t think people would bother inviting you if they didn’t want you there.

It could have been capacity, crossed wires or just forgetfulness.

I was chatting to someone about my wedding quite the thing and then realised with horror I hadn’t invited her! She is a friend separate from all other friend groups so when I had been thinking about people she didn’t connect with anyone or fall into any category. I invited her on the spot and she came! I am sure she knew she was forgotten but she came and had a great time and I’m so pleased she was there!

No I wouldn’t necessarily assume that. I’m not sure how relevant the distance you are away is. I’d be more likely to assume it was an oversight. Thoughtless, rather than a deliberate attempt to exclude you. Even the most organised people can make a mistake now and again. Or as someone else said, maybe they thought they invited you.
You could always just ask them.
Whether you go or not is up to you. If you have other plans that’s their bad. If you just don’t want to go that’s ok too, again, sorta their fault for making you feel like an afterthought. However it’s not the young persons fault, so I might be inclined to overlook that and just go.

The fact that you say you aren't nearby may have given them pause originally, thinking they could be inconveniencing you and you may feel expecting you to travel for anything short of a wedding or funeral as self indulgence on their part. I'm sure they want you, they chose you to be godmother once. Go. Have a lovely catchup hopefully.

If you're feeling uncomfortable about it, decline the invitation.

You’re clearly not religious. For a wedding you know you have to have, roughly in order of priority, bride and groom, brides parents and grooms parents, bridal party. If it’s for the child’s confirmation, the order of guest priority is child, parents, godparents, any other close family. There is no comparison at all to a friend chucking you a theatre ticket, it’s much more like not inviting the mother of the bride to the wedding.

Why would they invite you if they didn't want you to go? When did they invite other guests?

There are two ways to look at a last minute invitation.

One is to take it to heart, to feel overlooked or like you were an afterthought, and then either decline because you’re hurt or go along feeling put out.

The other is simply to be glad to be invited. If you’re free and you’d enjoy it, you say yes and have a lovely time. If you’re not free, decline politely because you already have plans. No drama, no overthinking.

You are assuming they intentionally left you out because they're usually organised, assuming they should know your schedule or that you ought to rearrange things. There's no reason they should know what you're doing, and likewise you can’t keep dates free for events you didn’t know were happening.

Seems much less angsty to not make any of those assumptions, just accept the invitation if it suits you, enjoy your existing plans if it doesn’t, and don't overthink the timing or that it means anything about how wanted you are. Sometimes people just organise things late, and sometimes late places open up for various reasons. Might not be the case here but they did invite you, now it's up to you whether you want to go, are able to go, and will enjoy yourself while you're there.

Are they actually religious? I know some people who don't see Confirmation as a big deal. They may normally have everything planned in advance but maybe not this time.

Go if you want but go with good grace. Don't go with the attitude that you are unwanted there and spoil the day for the child when you do not know why the invite was late.

I'd be quite interested to hear your definition of 'religious' if you can apparently decide that from my posts.

Not inviting you would mean they don't want you there. How would they know whether you have plans or not. If you do, just choose and do which you prefer (assuming plans can be rearranged) otherwise, just say sorry you already have plans. Don't over think it.

For some people they invite people lastminute because they don’t want them to attend…

Do you want to go? Would you have a good time? If so, go. If not, don’t. Their intentions are not your concern. If they really didn’t want you there they’d just not have invited you at all. Maybe it’s only a small party and one of the inner circle has dropped out, maybe it was genuine oversight, maybe they know you’ll be generous with the gift, or maybe you’re just out of sight out of mind.

Nah, you’re overthinking it.

OP is correct, some invitations are for appearances sake and delivered so late it's insulting and impossible to get there. OP knows the hosts and this is what she feels is the situation here.

I would advise OP not to attend, and not to send a gift.

If the OP wanted to play the game, wait until after the event to respond, saying you've been away and hope they had a lovely event.

Only in your imagination.

True story: my dad’s wife did this to me so I couldn’t attend his funeral!! (It was overseas so flights involved). Not. Even. Kidding. So if you have lived in a world where everyone is pleasant all the time, this will colour your responses, which I do understand.