AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Hindsight’s a wonderful thing. Was your response the most mature and appropriate way of handling this given your SD’s struggles? No. Was it a mild and natural reaction to feeling hurt by their bitchiness? Yes. It’s done now and I think it was quite obvious that you were reacting to what they said and not just randomly decided to be cruel. You were talking about your body, not hers/theirs. Your dh should be backing you up now in saying their comments were unkind and hurt you. If they do this to other people, they will get much worse responses than the one you gave. All that said, I don’t think you should stop them coming over, they are only teens and clearly dealing with difficult things. Hopefully they’ll learn an important lesson from this.

I think your response was fine and warranted - I think people are being quite harsh towards you. They are old enough to know better and I think your SD knew exactly what you meant and was projecting because she knew she’d said the hurtful things.
You can’t ban them from unannounced visits though as that’s up to their dad. You do need to address it head on once you’re both feeling less upset.

One of the most ludicrous things ive ever read on MN.

I don't think she lied. I think she got the wrong end of the stick due to projecting her own insecurities onto the conversation.

The OP said 'I'm just going to put a dress on, cover up all these wobbly bits'

If the girl was in very skimpy clothes herself and is either overweight or perceives that she is, she could easily have taken that as a passive aggressive dig against her own 'wobbly bits'. The subtext she's hearing is 'you look a fat state in those shorts and vest. You should cover yourself up.'

When the OP says she smirked, the meaning she intended to convey was 'I heard you and I am letting you know I heard you.' But the girl thought the comment was about her, so she perceived the smirk as being 'looked up and down.'

The golden rule is that no one in the household should be on a weight loss diet whilst treating an ED.

I honestly don't see why OP should adhere to that, this girl is not her daughter and does not live with her. She has herself and her own health to worry about.

Actually I’d be a lot more annoyed by the fact they lied to their dad about what happened, than the initial comments.

Yes the initial comments were hurtful but they are teenagers and crucially, they didn’t think you could hear. So yes ok they were being quite rude and judgy between themselves but they weren’t trying to hurt your feelings.

The more worrying bit for me is that they made up a story suggesting you had been hurtful to them, to cover their own mess up. That’s quite manipulative and I’m glad your Dh now believes your side.

I don’t think either bit warrants banning them from dropping in though.

They said you had wobbly bits and loose skin and shouldn’t wear a bikini

you said you were going to cover up said wobbly bits - making it clear you heard them. Your comment was a response not anything about them or their appearance?

I don’t see that you’ve been bitchy or done wrong, rather just responded to their nastiness (quite mildly!)

DH should be supporting you here. From what you’ve said you didn’t mention weight?

As someone who has managed to get over an ED myself, OP should be allowed to lose weight and wear a bikini in her own garden.
ED’s are not just about weight - the weight is about getting control of a life which may have slipped out of it.
So this young DSD’s could be due a number of factors but OP won’t be one of them, although the divorce may be.
I think both girls were being bitchy in a way that teenage girls are, and froze when they realise they’d been heard.
Instead of apologising, they’ve run to their father, and to be fair OP’s response was a bit sharp but again she was in her own garden just wanting to relax.
Sadly, being a stepmum can be a minefield and you have to accept it’s not going to be easy.

What a load of nonsense.

Your DH feels the need to take sides, wtf, there should be no sides needed. They made a nasty comment about an adults body in the adults home and felt embarrassed they were heard.

It should be seen by all as an opportunity for them to eat humble pie.

But from the updates, it appears the DH is the coddling kind.

I imagine we're all guilty of having made a bitchy comment about someone at some point in our lives. It's awful to know people are laughing at you and they absolutely should have been pulled up on it. The embarrassment and hurt can feel intense in the moment and cause knee jerk reactions, but I'd question whether or not it's worth blowing up your relationship.

Don't say anything in haste, it may be once you DSD's have calmed down and thought about their behaviour, that they will apologise. Being 'caught' saying something you shouldn't also causes people to have the knee jerk reaction of being defensive.

The OP was in her own home in her garden when the girls came around unannounced and let themselves in.

The idea that adults cannot wear standard beachwear at home in their own garden for fear of offending teens is ridiculous.

OP was clearly feeling good after losing weight. Good enough to wear a bikini in her own private garden. These two took the wind out of her sails and hurt her. How about we consider her feelings. She wasn’t spiteful, it was an initial knee jerk reaction.

These girls have keys to OP’s home and visit whenever they want, including when their dad isn’t home. OP now knows they have no respect for her, so I think it would be perfectly acceptable for OP to ask for the keys back and to insist that, for a while at least, they only visit when DH is there. Being step children doesn’t automatically give them a free pass to be rude and hurt people, any more than having had an eating disorder makes it acceptable to be rude about others’ appearance. And at 16 and 18 they’re old enough to realise that actions have consequences.

What they said was wrong but the way OP dealt with the situation made it worse.
She is supposed to be the grown up.

Semantics. If there's people around other than my husband, I'm dressed appropriately.

And as far as I know, OP wasnt at the beach

Plus of course the 18 year old does not have an ED and was equally bitchy. Their rapid running to Dad (or Mum where applicable) was more the behaviour I’d expect of girls a few years younger and less mature.

So OP should not wear a bikini in her garden in case her SDs come by unannounced?

you do realise that obesity can also be caused by an ED and that the jabs can be a help?

If I had been disrespected like this, they would have been asked to hand over their house keys pronto. It’s OP’s home. Unlike a lot of step parents she opened it up to them and welcomed them anytime, including when their dad wasn’t there. And in return they’re making snide personal comments behind her back. Enough said.

The only thing that happened after the interaction was the kids manipulated the situation by getting to their dad first. They knew they'd been overheard, knew what OP meant and were didn't want OP to tell their dad. They knew they were wrong. OP has a DH problem, though.

This^

So a bikini isn’t appropriate to wear around people other than your dh?
Why would anyone wear one at the beach if it isn’t?

Gosh those teenagers are going to struggle if they ever go away in a beach holiday. Women being topless and all the rest…..

A bikini in private garden is entirely appropriate if that is what the OP chooses to sunbathe. Plus of course she was alone in her own home, the girls turned up unannounced.

Its ridiculous to suggest that an adult woman cannot wear swimwear in her own garden because younger women are present. Its also a great way to give teenagers a complex about entirely normal bodies.

It’s batshit. The free passes some posters are prepared to give for this tyoe of behaviour kind of explains why there are so many rude, self centred and entitled young people.

But you've already admitted you were passive aggressive and smirked at her instead of just letting them know you'd heard and their remarks hurt you. I hope you've told him that

Why didn’t you just say, “I could hear your chat about me, you know. You need to be more careful about where you bitch about people.”

Girls tend to be catty.